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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

311 replies

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:47

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

OP posts:
Vegetus · 07/12/2023 18:13

I wouldn't let anyone I don't fully trust man or woman look after my pets never mind the most precious thing in the world to me

AnonnyMouseDave · 07/12/2023 18:14

What have I just read?
Men who want to work with children are ‘weird’?
FFS.
I can’t even begin with this.

My perspective is that most adults like spending their time doing "adult" things, not playing kids games or trying to control groups of children. The caveats are one's own children and that women are much more drawn to and good at nurturing than men are (as a rule, obviously, not in every case).

As a man I do not want to work with kids because I want to be thinking and doing adult things. I have never - and I swear this is true - seen any indication from any man, ever, that spending time with other people's kids is enjoyable. One does it because you have to at barbecues, and someone has to run the under 11 team your son plays on so it might as well be you, or the quite like explaining things to others and they find teaching easier to get into than adult education. I have NEVER met a man who has ever given me any indication that hanging around with other people's kids is something they would actively choose to do. In fact more common is my perspective... if you want me to teach Primary then I need £200k per year (despite earning much less than that in my current job).

As I made clear, maybe my perspective is all wrong, but I honestly think most men want to watch adult stuff and have adult chats, and time with other people's kids is one of the big downsides of having your own. I am suspicious of any man who wants to teach.

When I think of my own middle school there was only one male teacher (I was never in his class). All the girls loved him and all the boys were terrified. How and why was that? My son had one male teacher in primary - by far the worst (at teaching), least empathetic and most disliked of all the teachers my son has had.

I am not saying all men, and I think women who want to work with kids are weird too, just not as weird because they are naturally much more nurturing on average

Flibbertygibbetty · 07/12/2023 18:18

YANBU after doing a huge amount of safeguarding for jobs with young children I have been completely horrified by the prevalence of child SA. What is wrong with people? It did make me very aware of protecting my children and thankfully as far as I know nothing bad ever happened to them. However I know of lots of real life paedophiles and people who have suffered SA and have to live with the consequences. My mum was very aware and protective and it later transpired someone who delivered to our home was paedo and we used to be alone in the house. Luckily she always made us lock the door.
Ithink you should always go by your instincts and not worry if you appear abript or rude if it means keeping children safe. Also teach clearly about private parts of the body that noone can touch. You are good mother.

FaeWings · 07/12/2023 18:19

Part of safeguarding my DD is creating a norm where she doesn't have 1:1 alone time with adults outside of a very small circle of family members (her parents and grandparents).

Her one exception is a weekly half hour piano lesson, but even then I'm parked right outside during the lesson and her teacher is a friend I've known all my life.

But that's not to say she can't ever interact with other adults in case they are abusive. We have a great community and wider network of friends and family, which includes men who I love dearly, respect and think they are great role models for DD. She can have a healthy and appropriate relationship with that wider network by interacting with them in group settings.

And yes, if someone made me feel uneasy we would back away from them. Got to trust your instincts.

Spatchcooked · 07/12/2023 18:21

You don't have to let her go to sleepovers. I would advise against it. From bitter experience, I think your level of vigilance is wise.

takemehomecountryroads · 07/12/2023 18:21

I’m the same OP. I have personal and professional reasons for being so. Don’t apologise or excuse your reasons for being protective of your child.

CurlewKate · 07/12/2023 18:23

@Disco50
"I currently work with men in prison for sex crimes, and there is a very definite type"

I do think that rather extraordinary statement needs back-up!

Spatchcooked · 07/12/2023 18:25

I would have no more concerns leaving my child with a trusted male friend than a trusted female friend.

Sickeningly naive.

flowerchild2000 · 07/12/2023 18:25

We are vigilant because we have to be :(

SMAfan39 · 07/12/2023 18:26

As someone who was sexually abused by my own father I am very wary of men in particular around my children. They have much older half siblings who I trust thankfully but I am definitely on alert when dealing with men around my children. My friends husband enthusiastically offered to take my children to the toilet at a party once which made me even more cautious of him so I try to keep my children away from him. I have the nspcc poster pantasarus up in our house and it’s always been important to me to explain you can say no to hugs etc. your privates are private etc. I have a child with sen which makes him more vulnerable and I struggle with this as I’m so scared for him. So many of my friends have been victims as children too so yes I’m wary and I won’t apologise for it.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 07/12/2023 18:31

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:56

@AllProperTeaIsTheft She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her.

Would everyone else leave their child with a man who wasn’t the father?

She is statistically more likely to come to harm via a close family member than a random.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 07/12/2023 18:34

@Begsthequestion

That's despite all the measures you list, like police, safeguarding, individual vigilance (which you seem to be arguing against), jail etc

I have no idea how you can possibly conclude I'm "arguing against" vigilance.

So what makes you think that society needs to descend into anarchy before children are abused?

Again, I have absolutely no idea how you can possibly have arrived at this conclusion.

My point about anarchy is simply that the study quoted purports a situation akin to anarchy, or lawlessness and zero vigilance at the very least, and therefore is not in any way representative of the society we actually live in.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 18:35

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:56

@AllProperTeaIsTheft She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her.

Would everyone else leave their child with a man who wasn’t the father?

Honestly? Yes. My brother in law who does an adequate job parenting his own sons. My friend I've known 20+ years who's a great Dad took my son's to the loo for me with his. DHS best friend altho I'm not sure he's know what to do with them 😂. DSs year 4 teacher. The Beaver Leader. I have male friends from volunteering and in the unlikely circumstance where it was needed, I'd trust them. I'm worry more about approiate supervision and monitoring of dangerous play than them abusing my child. Maybe that makes me an awful neglectful mother tho.
Conversely, I hate seeing single Moms introducing every bf they meet to the kids immediately and wouldn't if DH and I broke up. And I do have the odd intrusive thought about how would I know if... And that includes DH, but I recognise it for what it is and worth past it.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 18:36

sprigatito · 07/12/2023 17:09

This is unsustainable, though. What are you going to do when she has a male nursery worker/primary teacher/sports coach? What about grandfathers, uncles, close family friends? School friends who have single fathers? Your DD will absolutely know that you're insanely overprotective, that you can't have relationships with men other than her father, and she will either be crippled by fear of men or very, very resentful of you - probably both. You need to work on this now before it really impacts her (and you!)

Teachers etc. shouldn't be alone with a child 121 though surely?

GirrlCrush · 07/12/2023 18:38

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:59

@Greenshake I hadn’t thought about it much until recently, wanted to see if others felt like this to some extent? I mean, it’s not like I’m sat there worrying about it, but it sometimes crosses my mind and I just know I wouldn’t leave her alone with a male aside from Dh

Most abuse occurs in the home.... with people known to the kids involved!

AllWeWantToDo · 07/12/2023 18:38

No i don't worry about it to the extreme that I don't trust anyone.

There isn't a type and there's a fair few women about as well ime

salamirose · 07/12/2023 18:39

This thread has made me so anxious. I had no idea there were that many. What world have I bought my little one in to.

AnonnyMouseDave · 07/12/2023 18:39

@SMAfan39 said My friends husband enthusiastically offered to take my children to the toilet at a party once which made me even more cautious of him so I try to keep my children away from him.

That is part of what I was getting at. I know I am stereotyping, but women do not want to go to the toilet with kids, but they will very very often step up because they either want to support the struggling mother, or their nurturing instinct comes out at seeing a distressed kid. Meanwhile a man is much more likely to offer to make sure that all the other men's beer glass is full so that his wife's time is free to do the toilet duties. A man enthusiastically offering to take other people's kids to the toilet is WEIRD, ie unusual. He might be weirdly nice or weirdly caring or weirdly paedophilic, who knows, but he is a walking safeguarding red flag whatever the truth.

icallitasplodge · 07/12/2023 18:40

Several narrow misses make me hyper vigilant. And yes I am suspicious of women and some children too.

Kendodd · 07/12/2023 18:40

I grew up with a mum like this, it was horrible and I hated my childhood. I left home as soon as I was able and she couldn't stop me. I'm very low contact even now in my 50s.

GirrlCrush · 07/12/2023 18:40

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 17:00

I always had those concerns about my kids when they were little, and who could babysit etc.
I currently work with men in prison for sex crimes, and there is a very definite type. I wish I knew it when my kids were younger.

So do I

But to me they are so 'normal' and of no particular type.

icallitasplodge · 07/12/2023 18:40

Narrow misses for me as a child I mean.

Greenandgreed · 07/12/2023 18:44

As a child on 2 occasions I avoided friends of my parents - one was convicted about 15 years later and the other did something which I as an adult now realise wasnt innocent - I had no clue at 5/6 . My DS asked me about someone who lives near us and I had had a similar vibe . I personally think we have instincts and need to listen to them . Teach your DD what to look out for and trust your own instincts . I have sons - one of them though was very pretty as a little child and I was definitely aware of the risk . Neither of mine went on sleepovers till about 9/10/11 .

Begsthequestion · 07/12/2023 18:46

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 07/12/2023 18:34

@Begsthequestion

That's despite all the measures you list, like police, safeguarding, individual vigilance (which you seem to be arguing against), jail etc

I have no idea how you can possibly conclude I'm "arguing against" vigilance.

So what makes you think that society needs to descend into anarchy before children are abused?

Again, I have absolutely no idea how you can possibly have arrived at this conclusion.

My point about anarchy is simply that the study quoted purports a situation akin to anarchy, or lawlessness and zero vigilance at the very least, and therefore is not in any way representative of the society we actually live in.

I have no idea how you can possibly conclude I'm "arguing against" vigilance.

You said: "I don't really see the value in wasting time worrying about how some people might choose to behave in a hypothetical setting that is vanishingly unlikely to ever come to pass."

Being concerned about CSA is never a "waste of time".

Your point that it would require a breakdown of society to make child abuse a real concern is painfully wrong, because it is inside many of today's institutions that the worst offenders are able to abuse, and they are often protected from prosecution by said institutions.

GirrlCrush · 07/12/2023 18:47

Also, I'd like to make the point that many many woman facilitate the abuse if not participate

Turn a blind eye....help set it up.... it happens.

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