Page 8 | To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

Bournetilly · 07/12/2023 19:57

At first I thought YABU but it sounds like she has a lot of help and could manage if she budgeted better. If she needed it for food and necessities I couldn’t be mad at her though.

I think the best thing to do if you do this again would be to take her on the nights out and pay, take her shopping and pay, take her for meals and pay, rather than giving her the money.

ManyATrueWord · 07/12/2023 20:01

I'd be annoyed that she frittered that money away. YANBU.

BoredofBlonde · 07/12/2023 20:06

It is pretty obvious why she has no money! Sounds useless with budgeting. I hope she realises how lucky she is having such amazing support from you all.

What on earth has she spent £500 on "necessities"? £50 ok, but £500? She is taking you all for fools.

Does she get Universal Credit too? Hope not, if so is there ANYONE who isnt supporting her?!

AllWeWantToDo · 07/12/2023 20:08

fetchacloth · 07/12/2023 19:11

I feel the same 😞

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Why the sad face, op has already said she pays towards food and fuel for her dm each week, her partner pays all bills and holidays and they have no mortgage so ops mum is being heavily subsidised already

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 07/12/2023 20:18

telestrations · 07/12/2023 16:27

Unless there is more to this you are annoyed that your mother is poor.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women. She will continue to work and struggle unless her family steps in and tops her income up for her which is what many adult children do. I do and am just happy that I am able to.

Again unless there is more to it perhaps you should consider topping up by a regular amount each month

Quite frankly I can't imagine leaving my parents without food, petrol or pet food

Edited

Somebody this age would have known 25 years ago that the retirement age for women had changed from 60 to 65 - its now 67.
People in their late 50s and early 60s are very lucky if they can afford to work part time and have money topped up by family.

Original poster

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 20:31

tescocreditcard · 07/12/2023 18:54

OP are you British? I only ask because in British culture money goes DOWN, not UP. It's very unusual for children to sub their parents. It's even more unusual for a healthy 60 year old to only work part time hours.

But your post doesn't really make much sense - if she needed the money for food then why are you annoyed and if she didn't need the money for food then why are you giving it to her?

I am British. When you're poor, there's nothing to go 'down', really. I was giving it to her for spending money for Christmas, really.

OP posts:

Bluebelle82 · 07/12/2023 20:31

I'm with you on this. My MIL would happily fritter away any money we gave her, while also refusing to get a full time job.
When we had children I put my foot down - when she starts making an effort to help herself (get a full time job like the rest of us) then we will help her if she is still in need.

Moonshine5 · 07/12/2023 20:32

fishonabicycle · 07/12/2023 16:14

Well, obviously if she has no money of course she would spend it on essentials. Should she not eat from now til Christmas so she can buy tinsel?

This absolutely

MrsHarrisAParis · 07/12/2023 20:34

Lots of British DCs sub their parents. It's only the privileged who assume otherwise.

Anyway OP it's a matter of semantics really. Just pretend she spent her Christmas wages on the groceries and that her Christmas wages will be your ringfenced fund. Ultimately it shouldn't matter to you what order she spent the money in. But it did matter to her because she needed it just now iyswim.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 20:39

MrsHarrisAParis · 07/12/2023 20:34

Lots of British DCs sub their parents. It's only the privileged who assume otherwise.

Anyway OP it's a matter of semantics really. Just pretend she spent her Christmas wages on the groceries and that her Christmas wages will be your ringfenced fund. Ultimately it shouldn't matter to you what order she spent the money in. But it did matter to her because she needed it just now iyswim.

Quite!
Ive had to pay for my parents rental deposit, loan them money to carpet their home etc. No money is coming ‘down’ this way. It’s really not that uncommon in poorer families for children to fund their parents.

Foxblue · 07/12/2023 20:46

OP if there's a specific reason she only works part time then fair enough, but otherwise... why are you subsidising her the rest of the year, how does that help her get better with budgeting?

itsgettingweird · 07/12/2023 20:48

I'd be more concerned she's used £500 on essentials this month - how is she managing the other 11 months of the year? These costs she's spent it on didn't just spring up in December - hence why you gifted her extra for December to cover costs.

It's there any way that that £800 could be gifted as cash monthly throughout the year to help her meet essentials each month?

Original poster

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 20:52

People are piling on a bit so I want to say something about necessities and budgeting.

Let’s say you get your weekly grocery shop from Tesco with all your usual items – that’s a necessity. But then you find yourself popping into M & S for wine, Percy Pigs, chocolate nuts, pizza on a Friday and then you go to Morrisons for bread and flowers and pretty soon, that ‘necessary’ food shop has cost you twice as much.

Or clothes. Basic clothes are a necessity but what if you buy a top one day, and then you feel that you need the right shoes with it, and then you see a scarf you can’t resist… and on and on.

This is what my Mum is like. They are necessities on some level but she is also impulsive, she doesn’t tally her spends and she has more free time to roam around and spend than someone who works 40 hours a week. She will spend £70 on a haircut and a bunch of flowers and then be aghast when the car is running out of petrol. It is a mixture of bad budgeting and not having the means to cover all the ‘extras’ that other people might take for granted.

When I was growing up, my Mum and I were bailiff-broke, gas-cut-off broke, no-money-for-school-shoes broke and she was out of work for a long time. Then I got a decent job and Mum’s DP entered the picture - things got a hell of a lot better very quickly and she adjusted to a different lifestyle. I help her out because a) I am fortunate to be well paid and I remember those shitty days very well and b) although her DP pays for a lot, he expects personal spends like make-up and hair and whatever to come out of her wage and it genuinely doesn’t leave a lot.

OP posts:

Sallyh87 · 07/12/2023 20:52

She spent it on necessary stuff, not booze etc. Cant really see why you are upset. You gave her money, she spent it.

Original poster

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 20:59

CombatLingerie · 07/12/2023 19:39

@catskittens 😂Is your mother’s cat a lion OP ? That would explain a large pet food bill. My late DM was always crap with money. I gave her money luckily I could mostly afford it. I don’t really understand what exactly the OP’s mother was supposed to use the money for? Or why it matters what she did actually use it for. As PP’s have said once money is given as a gift it’s really impossible to dictate what it’s used for. Maybe just get her a F&M hamper next year.

No 😂but at one point she had 6! She has 2 now.

OP posts:

LardyCakeAgain · 07/12/2023 21:00

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 20:52

People are piling on a bit so I want to say something about necessities and budgeting.

Let’s say you get your weekly grocery shop from Tesco with all your usual items – that’s a necessity. But then you find yourself popping into M & S for wine, Percy Pigs, chocolate nuts, pizza on a Friday and then you go to Morrisons for bread and flowers and pretty soon, that ‘necessary’ food shop has cost you twice as much.

Or clothes. Basic clothes are a necessity but what if you buy a top one day, and then you feel that you need the right shoes with it, and then you see a scarf you can’t resist… and on and on.

This is what my Mum is like. They are necessities on some level but she is also impulsive, she doesn’t tally her spends and she has more free time to roam around and spend than someone who works 40 hours a week. She will spend £70 on a haircut and a bunch of flowers and then be aghast when the car is running out of petrol. It is a mixture of bad budgeting and not having the means to cover all the ‘extras’ that other people might take for granted.

When I was growing up, my Mum and I were bailiff-broke, gas-cut-off broke, no-money-for-school-shoes broke and she was out of work for a long time. Then I got a decent job and Mum’s DP entered the picture - things got a hell of a lot better very quickly and she adjusted to a different lifestyle. I help her out because a) I am fortunate to be well paid and I remember those shitty days very well and b) although her DP pays for a lot, he expects personal spends like make-up and hair and whatever to come out of her wage and it genuinely doesn’t leave a lot.

Now we have the bigger picture, I really feel for you, as one of my parents is the same - even down to the spending free time wandering various supermarkets buying treats. One pension between the two of them doesn't go far when someone doesn't keep track of what they're spending (and "tap to pay" card machines have made it even worse). Sorry that you feel the savings you all made went up in smoke.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 07/12/2023 21:00

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 16:09

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes you sound horrible, your poor mother

Sickofpineneedles · 07/12/2023 21:03

I get what your feeling OP, my DM is absolutely terrible with money in the past I've put myself and my extension my children into financial risk to help her and she just lurches from one crisis to another.

15 odd years ago My sibling has paid off tens of thousands of debt and bought her a nice car. The car is gone (obviously) and she's back to the same level of debt.

Her siblings have bought her a car and even my grandparents who are in their 90s have bailed her out.

I just won't do it anymore especially as I'm taking money from my husband and children they have to be my priority.

I've given her thousands over the years.she needs to grow up.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 21:03

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 07/12/2023 21:00

Yes you sound horrible, your poor mother

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Well If that’s being horrible I’d like someone to be horrible to me to the sum of hundreds for Xmas and more each month.

ToWhitToWhoo · 07/12/2023 21:03

YABU. Necessities trump luxuries.

ExcitingRicotta · 07/12/2023 21:04

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 20:52

People are piling on a bit so I want to say something about necessities and budgeting.

Let’s say you get your weekly grocery shop from Tesco with all your usual items – that’s a necessity. But then you find yourself popping into M & S for wine, Percy Pigs, chocolate nuts, pizza on a Friday and then you go to Morrisons for bread and flowers and pretty soon, that ‘necessary’ food shop has cost you twice as much.

Or clothes. Basic clothes are a necessity but what if you buy a top one day, and then you feel that you need the right shoes with it, and then you see a scarf you can’t resist… and on and on.

This is what my Mum is like. They are necessities on some level but she is also impulsive, she doesn’t tally her spends and she has more free time to roam around and spend than someone who works 40 hours a week. She will spend £70 on a haircut and a bunch of flowers and then be aghast when the car is running out of petrol. It is a mixture of bad budgeting and not having the means to cover all the ‘extras’ that other people might take for granted.

When I was growing up, my Mum and I were bailiff-broke, gas-cut-off broke, no-money-for-school-shoes broke and she was out of work for a long time. Then I got a decent job and Mum’s DP entered the picture - things got a hell of a lot better very quickly and she adjusted to a different lifestyle. I help her out because a) I am fortunate to be well paid and I remember those shitty days very well and b) although her DP pays for a lot, he expects personal spends like make-up and hair and whatever to come out of her wage and it genuinely doesn’t leave a lot.

So then you are definitely not unreasonable to be miffed she’s not used the money as intended but maybe you shouldn’t be surprised! I probably wouldn’t do it again if it’s not been used for its intended purpose and you’re already financially supporting her in other ways.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 07/12/2023 21:05

@Haveallthesongsbeenwritten and you need to read the bloody updates before calling someone horrible.

Original poster

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 21:06

LardyCakeAgain · 07/12/2023 21:00

Now we have the bigger picture, I really feel for you, as one of my parents is the same - even down to the spending free time wandering various supermarkets buying treats. One pension between the two of them doesn't go far when someone doesn't keep track of what they're spending (and "tap to pay" card machines have made it even worse). Sorry that you feel the savings you all made went up in smoke.

Show quote history

Exactly. And it is very hard to 'challenge' anyone like this or broach the topic of budgeting when it comes to this type of incremental, drip-drip-drip spending because they will immediately say, "Do you want me to starve?! Do you want my hair to look scruffy and grow all down my back?!" - just like a few PPs have in this thread. And I genuinely do think that people deserve a few treats in life, and plenty of people have them - it's just that sometimes you have to cut your cloth as well.

OP posts:

istolethetalisker · 07/12/2023 21:07

OP, I think you explained it badly and now people are piling on because you've misrepresented things a bit.

From your first post, it sounds like you gave your Mum some money for Xmas, which she immediately spent on essential food and bills because she's broke, cold and hungry, and you're now cross because she didn't go to Harrods to buy a scarf. Which does sound a bit let-them-eat-cake.

But what actually happened was you gave your perfectly warm and well-fed but terrible-at-budgeting Mum some money for specifically Xmas shopping, and she immediately frittered it away doing some slightly-nicer-than-usual regular shopping, and is now going to complain she's broke when she goes to do her Xmas shopping.

Is that right? Because if the first scenario YABU, but if the second scenario YANBU, I'd be cross too. And would only ever give her vouchers in future.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/12/2023 21:08

pollyglot · 07/12/2023 18:16

telestrations · Today 16:27

Unless there is more to this you are annoyed that your mother is poor.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women. She will continue to work and struggle unless her family steps in and tops her income up for her which is what many adult children do. I do and am just happy that I am able to.

Again unless there is more to it perhaps you should consider topping up by a regular amount each month

Quite frankly I can't imagine leaving my parents without food, petrol or pet food Edited

The woman is only 60! In no way is this a generational thing. Woman have been aware for decades that they would need to be working way longer than 60. From the sound of it, she has possibly never worked full-time to enable herself to save and build up a decent pension pot. Is she disabled? Is it not possible to find another part-time job or boost her hours, or be a little more proactive about supporting herself? I think you are perfectly within your rights to wonder about her attitude towards money.

As a 60 year old woman, I think it's a bit of a reach to say that we've known for "decades" that we wouldn't get our state pension at 60. I can't honestly say when I became aware of it, but it isn't "decades" by any means, and at the start of my working life it was certainly the expectation that 60 was when we'd retire, yet the goalposts were moved by a whole 7 years which is a hell of a lot! My mum retired at 60/61 due to health issues and only lived 2 years into retirement. I don't want that to be me. I've got things I want to do. She did too.

Right up until she died, my mother was helping me, not the other way round!! I had three children, a mortgage and massive childcare costs. She knew it wasn't easy and my mum and dad just wanted to help us. They bought me and my kids clothes, nice treats, food, paid my phone bill (tbf it was mostly run up ringing her and my dad!) - all the stuff I couldn't afford! When money ran really tight, a cheque for £100 would land in my letterbox... they bought my kids a beautiful piano when they started piano lessons and paid for a holiday abroad because they thought our kids were missing out because we just couldn't afford it... We had Christmas every single year at my parents' home, and they paid for it all.

The idea that my kids would have to subsidise me is such a mad concept to me!! I must show them!!!!