To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

[PurpleSky300]

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

Thank god someone common sense!

She sounds toxic and entitled with everyone running round her.
Op you are enmeshed in a co dependent relationship .
Tell her to earn her own money and step away.
Poor thing my arse!

Lol think for a second about where op came from (poor) and then ask yourself if your post makes sense @Nightmanagerfan

I'm with you op, it sounds like she hasn't really appreciated what you'd done and treated the money as special money at all but just spent it on normal stuff. I'd be disappointed too.

When you don’t have a lot younger the same pleasure out of being able to buy the necessities than you do the luxuries. Ffs I get excited when I have £2 in my pocket and I can go get a fizzy pop- yes that’s not a necessity either but it’s also not a luxury.

Maybe instead of a Christmas fund you could pay one of her utility bills for her and take a bit of the presssure off her that way

I think her partner pays a lot of her bills not sure about energy

OP are you British? I only ask because in British culture money goes DOWN, not UP. It's very unusual for children to sub their parents. It's even more unusual for a healthy 60 year old to only work part time hours.

But your post doesn't really make much sense - if she needed the money for food then why are you annoyed and if she didn't need the money for food then why are you giving it to her?

I don't quite get your frustration as it doesn't seem she has blown it. She has spent it on necessities that clearly she needed money to pay for. If all her bills and expenses were already taken care of, she wouldn't have needed to spend this money on that and it could have just been fun money. Clearly she didn't have other money for the necessities. At the end of the day, she has whatever her salary, your money, and her husbands money brings in. Once all the necessitiies are paid and no one is hungry then whatever is left can go towards Christmas.

I feel the same 😞

How was she managing before? Why would she suddenly need large amounts of petrol and cat food

YANBU and she clearly has plenty of support and is not on the breadline. Sounds to me like she's a spendthrift.

Agree
I'm at a loss to see what she does pay for.
You sub her all year round and her partner pays for everything else.
And she has a part time wage coming in
Is she taking you all for a mug?

Sounds to me like you and your siblings have been made to feel guilty bc you have money going spare and your dm is one of those people who is always skint. You wanted to give her this money to spend over the Christmas period so she didn’t feel left out of the festivities - I think that’s fair enough but also a bit strange - she’s a grown woman who could work full time if she wanted to?

Sounds to me like she’s just a spendthrift? I wouldn’t do it again, personally - it sounds like she’s just bad with money, not on the breadline.

Um I'm.the same generation and I made no such assumptions.lots of people work in their 60s.some want to.some have to.the whole cruiseship idea/ place in the sun stereotype isnt one size fits all.patronising of you to decide how she can spend your gift.you might also need to meet other people of that generation so you broaden your stereotyped viewpoint.oh btw my nan worked until she was 75...as a cleaner and was gutted to give that up.it paid for presents for us and her fags.

@catskittens 😂Is your mother’s cat a lion OP ? That would explain a large pet food bill. My late DM was always crap with money. I gave her money luckily I could mostly afford it. I don’t really understand what exactly the OP’s mother was supposed to use the money for? Or why it matters what she did actually use it for. As PP’s have said once money is given as a gift it’s really impossible to dictate what it’s used for. Maybe just get her a F&M hamper next year.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women

I'm sorry, what? most women of our generation (I'm 69) expected to work, and it's been known for YEARS that the pension date was changing.

I think it is a bit annoying. Sounds like she doesn't live within her means. Or is bad at budgeting.

I have, in the past, bailed out my mother and my kids. I've lent money, settled credit card debts etc so they could get themselves out of debt. In the main, the money I used had its desired effect. In other cases, it didn't.

I've learned that you should never lend/give/spend money unless you're happy to lose it. And that you can try to help adults, but if you want to help them out, you have to let them make their own decisions and keep quiet if you don't like it. It's not worth falling out or making someone explain themselves.

She is of a generation that did not except to be working, let alone working and struggling at 60. That use to be the retirement age for women.

I'm older than that, I mostly work part time because I can easily afford to; she's of a generation that fought for equal rights for women FFS - or slightly younger than that.

That said, if she is short of cash, giving her a large chunk of money and expecting her to spend it on gifts and luxuries she doesn't need rather than catching up with bills and stocking up with everyday food is unreasonable.
Kind to gift it to her, but if it's a gift, unreasonable to dictate what she spends it on - particularly when you seem to expect he to spend it buying you presents.
It's hardly as if she's blown it on a weekend in a fancy hotel - although if that would really make her happy, why not?

Have you thought about creating a regular standing order throughout the year to her if you can afford it, rather than this slightly patronising "Christmas fund"?

@telestrations
I too am of that generation - I am 64. I expected to receive my state pension at 60 along with my teacher pension. But I also expected to work until I felt I could no longer do so. I planned for my retirement. If I wanted to I could still work full time but I choose not to, so part time it is. I would never expect my children to subsidise that choice!

Would rather feed your mum and the cat before buying tat. Did she know the cash was headed her way though?

Omg, of course you are BU. I understand why you’re annoyed, in some ways, but honestly, at least she didn’t gamble it. It’s gone towards actual necessities. Doesn’t that make you feel good? That you’ve helped her with groceries and basic needs?

So you would rather she spent it on Christmas stuff and not bothered to pay her bills, buy food, petrol etc.?

Yes, YABVVVVVVVU

Spending five hundred pounds in a week - that’s a lot of shopping for one (or two ) people, especially as you usually says she usually copes day to day, just doesn’t have any spare for extras. I can see why you are frustrated.

Did you say she has no mortgage, a partner who pays bills and gets help from you and her brother for other ongoing costs? If that is the case, why is she struggling so much to cover her basic costs and to save. With no mortgage or bills surely her wage is adequate?

I know it’s a slight aside but I wondering if there is some other issue eg debt- that is meaning she is not able to save.

I can kind of see why you’re annoyed, but then also it makes sense she would spend money on basics if she can’t cover them herself.

If she has no mortgage and bills paid by partner and other stuff or holidays paid by someone else

Then what the hell is she spending her money on