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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DM about her Christmas fund?

295 replies

PurpleSky300 · 07/12/2023 16:09

My Mum (60) works part-time and sometimes struggles for money at Christmas.

We have Christmas with extended family and pool together so we’re never short of anything, but she would like to have a bit more personal spending money and stuff to buy nice presents. Anyway, as a result - 3 of my family agreed last year that we would pay monthly amounts into a Christmas fund for her and by the start of December, we’d got about £800. I transferred it over and within a week, she’s spent about £500 and hardly any of that is on presents. It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself and it feels like we’re back at square one.

I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed. She said, “When you haven’t got much money, the necessities have to come before luxuries” etc and that’s true. And she said she could top up her spending money from her wages in December anyway. To me that’s not really the point, though? This money was ‘ringfenced’ for Xmas, that was the whole point of it. So that she would be able to go out and do more things, go on nights out, buy treats and enjoy the festivities. I feel annoyed that it’s gone on mundane daily stuff and part of me begrudges doing it again next year. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
billyt · 08/12/2023 11:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I can never understand justifying things by saying this. The mother chose to have a baby. So carrying a baby in a womb for nine months was the mothers choice, not the baby's.

And how do you know what the mother gave during the chid's life? Not every parent puts their child first or cares for them.

BoredofBlonde · 08/12/2023 12:21

Meowandthen · 07/12/2023 21:28

You gave money in the expectation you’d be given most of it back in presents?

You really think that’s better than paying essential bills?

So much for the season of giving and goodwill.

And the award for not seeing the real problem goes to you! Though many are in competition with you for the prize 🙄

BoredofBlonde · 08/12/2023 12:23

billyt · 08/12/2023 11:54

I can never understand justifying things by saying this. The mother chose to have a baby. So carrying a baby in a womb for nine months was the mothers choice, not the baby's.

And how do you know what the mother gave during the chid's life? Not every parent puts their child first or cares for them.

Show quote history

Totally agree! Well said. It is the laziest kind of justification for a parent behaving badly/ selfishly

toomuchfaff · 08/12/2023 14:01

YABVU

If your mum is struggling so much that this Xmas money had to be spent on essentials; why are you annoyed? That she bought groceries? Its not like she bought a 16ft inflatable santa or spent the money at the casino? She didnt squander it; she bought groceries... Maybe you should be wondering whether the family should be giving her money routinely...

Houseplantmad · 08/12/2023 14:14

Perhaps next time it might be better for you to order a big grocery shop for her with all the Christmassy bits in it, so she doesn’t spend the money on other things. And she could do an Amazon wish list or similar for presents and one of you could fund that?
It sounds as if you’re doing an awful lot for her, which is a very kind thing to do.

hydriotaphia · 08/12/2023 14:20

YABU and from spending £500 I'm guessing she paid off debt rather then just spent it.

LimeCheesecake · 08/12/2023 14:28

Oh OP - when you were young you took in the parenting role, accepting your mother couldn’t be expected to look after herself, and between you, siblings and her boyfriend, managed to avoid your mum having to learn to budget. So even though she was once “bailiff broke” levels, she’s never learned.

Its time to stop. If her mortgage and bills are paid, and even if she only works 2 days a week on minimum wage- she doesn’t need you to save through the year for her Christmas treats. She needs to budget her own money. (Particularly if you are also subsidising her through the year with food shopping).

and her boyfriend might need to be serious with her about their finances. (And if she can true it afford to work part time.)

next year buy her things, buy her tickets, but don’t give this woman cash.

your mum won’t change. It’s not your job to look after her.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/12/2023 14:58

Does she not budget? She would have had to get the stuff she spent the Christmas Fund money on anyway surely??

Sounds like she really needs to work and stick to a budget for the daily essentials if you're planning on doing another Christmas Fund for Christmas 2024.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in that.

However if she was really struggling and she absolutely couldn't get by without dipping into the fund to cover the essentials, then I think a little latitude wouldn't go amiss there.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/12/2023 15:02

If I were you @PurpleSky300 , I'd start putting money aside for when she is really is dire straits and needs money to cover either medical expenses or care or something else that would be really expensive.

I've read all of your posts and your mum is an impulse shopper and doesn't stick to a budget. She never has. She overspent when you were young and she never had to learn how to budget then. When her DP came on the scene it was the opposite, there was a steady stream of money if she needed it so it never dawned on her that she should budget and spend wisely then either.

Stop funding her lifestyle.

That's my updated take on the situation.

AlwaysFreezing · 08/12/2023 16:24

I definitely the think the worst gifts are ones with conditions.

Give freely, with joy. Your life will be simpler.

Bakingbread · 08/12/2023 17:46

YABVVVU

MMAS · 08/12/2023 17:57

Have any of you actually bothered to find out how much money your mother has to live on - there is no mention of a Dad in your post. Sounds like she is really struggling and all you are bothered about is Xmas presents and the like. Time to grow up, have some compassion, be less selfish and, most of all take care of what may be the only parent you have as parents only come around once in a life time.

laraitopbanana · 08/12/2023 18:05

It sounds a bit harsh for you to decide that she should go without before Xmas...
if it really bothering you, next year, send the money right before Xmas or pay the outings yourself from the fund...but then what will you do if she calls and tell you she hasn’t got heat...would you not do exactly what she did?

DeedlessIndeed · 08/12/2023 18:33

laraitopbanana · 08/12/2023 18:05

It sounds a bit harsh for you to decide that she should go without before Xmas...
if it really bothering you, next year, send the money right before Xmas or pay the outings yourself from the fund...but then what will you do if she calls and tell you she hasn’t got heat...would you not do exactly what she did?

How will she go without heat?

RTFT - her partner pays all bills. She has no mortgage. OP pays fuel and personal spends every month...

Mum is a spendthrift that cannot budget and has blown a nice gesture.

itsmylife7 · 08/12/2023 18:42

So you had a terrible childhood due to your Mothers "spending"

She obviously hasn't changed OP.

She's got everyone running around and bailing her out.... clever woman.

JS06 · 08/12/2023 18:48

I don’t consider you’re unreasonable. You sound like the kind of family that are willing to support and help. Your DM has possibly been relieved at a source of income to help. I sense you would have appreciated a heads up that the intention for ‘Christmas’ had been somewhat railroaded. It would defo inform my choices about next year.

PuzzledObserver · 08/12/2023 18:52

@pollyglot the bit you quoted wasn’t from me. I quoted it from someone else and then explained why I didn’t agree with it.

Yes, we have known for decades. There was loads of publicity about it.

OldPerson · 08/12/2023 19:32

You're not thinking about DM's needs. I'm sure DM would rather the cat was fed than go out for a night on the town. So what does she need for a great Christmas and what do you need? And why did they transfer all the money to her? Were they expecting her to think up all the presents and fun for everyone? Or did they just not want her to be stressed at Christmas? The 3 cash contributors need to sit down and agree what the money should be spent on and if they're happy or not. You sound a little entitled and immature if you think the money raised was centrally for your benefit and fun. And I also suspect you didn't contribute.

Greatdomestic · 08/12/2023 19:53

Hi op

I sometimes read things on here and wonder what planet some people are on.

I am only a couple of years younger than your mum. I work full time and expect to do so until I am 65. I see no reason why an able bodied person who needs to work full time should not do so.

I am shocked at your mums approach. She spends her cash on her, and everyone else including you her child, pays for her essentials. Awful. If I were you I would stop her gravy train right now. No amount of £ will ever be enough. She will keep tapping you for cash. Tell her to get a full time job, cos you are done funding her. I'll bet your husband isn't enthused by this either. The old adage 'bleed Rockafeller dry' applies here.

As has already been noted, it has been common knowledge since the 80s that government would not fund retirements if they could help it. Raising retirement age is part of that.

laraitopbanana · 08/12/2023 20:02

Sorry not heat, rather food or groceries

« It’s all gone on normal things like groceries, petrol, cat food and now she won’t have enough left for Christmas itself »

what will you do if she calls without groceries money...?

Ffsnotaconference · 08/12/2023 20:06

MMAS · 08/12/2023 17:57

Have any of you actually bothered to find out how much money your mother has to live on - there is no mention of a Dad in your post. Sounds like she is really struggling and all you are bothered about is Xmas presents and the like. Time to grow up, have some compassion, be less selfish and, most of all take care of what may be the only parent you have as parents only come around once in a life time.

Op says she has a partner who pays all the bills. Op helps her with weekly expense because her mum just spends on what she wants when she wants then guilt trips the op into giving her petrol money.

sgtmajormum · 08/12/2023 20:07

If you particularly want her to enjoy the Christmas period, then perhaps you could buy her tickets to something like the panto or a light display etc and then make up a Christmas hamper.
That way she gets the festive treats you intended
However if my mum was struggling to afford daily expenses I'd rather help her with that throughout the year and then take her out to a festive event so best of both

User1343 · 08/12/2023 20:07

It was kind of you all to amass that money for her but consider it an (expensive) lesson learnt - leave her to her own (bad) financial choices in the future.

laraitopbanana · 08/12/2023 20:13

Ah!! So she wasn’t going without.

I would be annoyed too. OP, very difficult if she doesn’t control her spending. Maybe monitor yourself or give last minute?

Livelovebehappy · 08/12/2023 20:18

Tbh, she’s 60. Why is she working part time if she can’t afford to? Maybe suggest to her that she might need to consider working full time. She’s not ancient, and whilst lots of people would love to go part time as they’re approaching retirement, they really shouldn’t if they can’t afford to. That’s life..,,