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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids and Covid test

253 replies

Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 02:38

I'm just wanting to gauge other people's opinions.

I'm unvaccinated on GP advice. I have a few underlying health issues, don't go out socially often, and multiple GPs in my surgery agreed that vaccination wasn't in my best interests, in part due to my low risk of catching anything.

My husband is fully vaccinated. He also has multiple health conditions.

Ever since Covid tests have been a thing, we've had a rule that anyone visiting, or anyone else we visit, must take a Covid test beforehand. If they don't agree, it's simple: the visit is cancelled.

The ONLY exception to this is my sister's toddler twins who are too young to understand. If they can't test, we accept it. If their dad is at home before a visit, he is usually able to test them. We aren't strict with them because we don't want to traumatise them, plus they don't like cuddles.

We also, if required, happily pay for and supply all tests.

The issue:

My sister and her five children will be at my mum's on Sunday for twins birthday party. Husband and I are going.

Sister tonight said that she will not be able to make DS2 and DS3 test because they don't want to. They are 6 and 9. They have always tested before and I know of no issues. They have clearly been told why they must test.

My mum is begging us to reconsider. I said the boys are old enough to be told to test, and for their mum to simply insist. But DSis thinks it's their right to refuse.

Am I being unreasonable in my unwavering stance that, if they don't test, our visit is off?

DH is adamant he won't go unless all 3 boys are tested.

How about Christmas?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 14:06

EasterIssland · 07/12/2023 07:17

Yanbu to say you won’t be attending as long as you’re not using it as a threat and to play the victim for not attending

yabu to expect others to do something in their body if they reject to independently of their age.

Definitely not going to play victim if we don't go. DH and I are quite happy to stay home and do other things.

OP posts:
2023forme · 07/12/2023 14:07

notmorezoom · 07/12/2023 05:39

multiple GPs in my surgery agreed that vaccination wasn't in my best interests, in part due to my low risk of catching anything.

Unless there's a back story e.g. you're anaphylactically allergic to a component of the vaccine, then I don't believe this for a second.

If you're worried about covid, get a vaccine. stop being so attention seeking and forcing tests on everyone

Agree with this. The risk from the vaccine is minuscule compared to the risk of covid if you are cev. Even those who are allergic to vaccine components can get vaccinated in an allergy vaccine clinic if they are cev.

I cannot believe the GPs have made a decision like this - is it more a case of you not wanting the vaccine and your GP going along with it?

If you do want the vaccine, I’d be asking at your local vaccination clinic - there is virtually nobody who cannot get vaccinated (extreme allergic reaction withstanding). your clinic will have a senior vaccination nurse/clinical lead who will be able to advise you on this.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 14:09

GabriellaMontez · 07/12/2023 07:48

Utterly ridiculous. Selfish.

How long are you going to persist with this?

How many tests do you think these young children should have inflicted on them?

I'm only surprised your sister has gone along with it until now.

I'm slightly interested how you cope at places like the gp or a hospital or with carers/therapists. You know none of them test?

In answer to how I cope in other situations, when I need to, I risk it. I wear a mask, DH wears one and we test a few days later. You'd be surprised how many other people wear masks round here.

But this gathering is not a necessity.

OP posts:
CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 07/12/2023 14:11

Definitely not going to play victim if we don't go. DH and I are quite happy to stay home and do other things.

So what's the issue?

If it's just that your mum is nagging, she's unreasonable when you've made your position clear.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 14:13

HoneyIshrunkthe · 07/12/2023 07:57

OP how do you even know half of the people are actually testing anyway?
It is as simple as saying “Oh yea I did a test and its negative”.
Unsure why your sister didn’t just do this…. I think she is trying to get a point across to you - That it is ridiculous to live like this!!

They always photograph tests. I never asked them to. They always have. Ever since lockdown.

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 07/12/2023 14:15

Yabu. There is no way I would force COVID tests on children they don't need. They are invasive, my kids got really distressed every time. I think if you are going to insist on tests still then have all the adults around the kids test and assuming the kids have no COVID symptoms then I wouldn't force the children to test.

But like are you planning on living this way forever? Do you get people to test for other contagious illness before you will meet them? You are heavily restricting your life. In all honesty you are about to trash your family relations over a small risk if all the adults have tested. Is that small risk really worth damaging your relationship with your family over?

Mamabear04 · 07/12/2023 14:16

YABVU to ask kids to test. Are you going to make everyone else test for flu or RSV or anything else doing the rounds? Were you this strict pre covid? You risk other situations to suit yourself so maybe you need to start increasing that risk elsewhere otherwise you will completely ostracise yourself and end up hurting your loved ones. Covid should just be treated like a normal illness now. If you're that vulnerable surely you will have access to antiviral drugs anyway? And if not then you shouldn't need to worry about it no?

MuggleMe · 07/12/2023 14:19

Totally fair to have a boundary and implement it. Totally fair for a mum to have one too (not forcing testing). The only one being unreasonable is your mum guilting you.

I hate COVID tests, I'd be telling my children I need you test, I'd like aunty to be there, but if they got upset about it I'd let them have bodily autonomy and not force them.

MilkChocolateCookie · 07/12/2023 14:50

OP it's up to you whether to attend of course. But I'm a bit sad that you describe your nieces' birthday party as "not a necessity" Sad

Everanewbie · 07/12/2023 15:02

I don't understand why you are fixating on COVID. Flu can be just as bad, if not worse. Plenty of people end up ventilated and die from complications of flu, some of the worst years in recent decades don't look too far removed from the 2020/21 COVID winter, and have certainly been a good deal worse than the subsequent post-vaccine/Omicron variant winters.

As it has been mentioned upthread, it is your choice to set conditions, and everyone else's choice to deem these over the top, unnecessary and a PITA. Sooner or later, if not already there, your relatives will make the unconscious or even conscious decision that seeing you is just not worth the hassle. You might feel that is ok, and you are fine at home with your husband, but is that really true? Week on week, year on year? All those lovely times with family sacrificed when eventually there will be something that will get you in the end, and I'd bet my house your deathbed regret wont be the lack of swabs up your relatives noses or facemasks covering their once familiar faces.

There is risk in everything that we do, and in everyday life we make sensible and proportion mitigations, but I don't think these mitigations are proportionate any longer and I fear you are trading a happy and fulfilling life for short term reassurance.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 15:57

Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 14:09

In answer to how I cope in other situations, when I need to, I risk it. I wear a mask, DH wears one and we test a few days later. You'd be surprised how many other people wear masks round here.

But this gathering is not a necessity.

Show quote history

What type of masks is everyone wearing? Are you following proper mask hygiene guidance?

Hols24 · 07/12/2023 16:20

PropertyManager · 07/12/2023 10:11

I'm a physicist by training, OK, not a biologist or virologist, but i've been following the whole thing with interest from the start. Here are some points for you to consider.

Tests: we know that the RAT/LFT tests are not picking up infections of the newer strains in many cases, and where they are they are often only picking up days into an infection, this makes them a poor tool for inhibiting infection spread.

Vulnerable Groups: we know that many people who were thought to be at dire risk are at no greater risk than the rest of the population. Those who are at high risk are at equal risk of harm from many other common infections we don't test for.

Masks: we know through many studies that masks give poor protection, save for certain types and even those only work for a short period when fitted correctly. A recent peer reviewed study even suggests simple blue masks increase the infection risk, and there is good science, both physics and sociology behind the reasons why.

Vaccines: we now know that the vaccines carry risks in of themselves, how small is unclear, and the efficacy and length of said efficacy are unknown. I had the three initial shots, but have been advised against any further by my GP, take your GPs advice on that front, they may have good reason for thinking its a bad idea.

We are at a point now with covid where there is enough hybrid immunity in the population to mean it is not an immediate risk of anything but sniffles for the majority, it will continue to spread, and eventually everyone including the few it has yet to infect will get it - it will likely continue to attenuate, it is showing signs now of the beginnings of following a seasonal trend (trending up in autumn and winter), its here to stay, so we have to just put up with it, its incredibly unlikely anyone will develop a really effective sterilising vaccine or treatment.

Much of this is either irrelevant, disputed, or just plain wrong.

How does being a physicist relate to vaccines?

And how does hybrid immunity relate to the OP's situation? She has no immunity at all, being neither vaccinated nor previously infected.

PropertyManager · 07/12/2023 17:58

Hols24 · 07/12/2023 16:20

Much of this is either irrelevant, disputed, or just plain wrong.

How does being a physicist relate to vaccines?

And how does hybrid immunity relate to the OP's situation? She has no immunity at all, being neither vaccinated nor previously infected.

Edited
Show quote history

Please do elaborate on the parts that are wrong, delighted to discuss - dispute absolutely, with such a new field (ie: covid research) with the results of studies coming in thick and fast, dispute is to be expected, and encouraged, such process is how we learn what theories are correct and which to discard.

Being a physicist simply implied having a love of science, and an ability to read data, particularly modelling data.

Hybrid immunity is how we don't all catch the common cold at the same time, and is part of the way seasonality works and it's now taking effect with covid in the general population. The OP has no immunity (as far as we know), eventually she will in all probability contract the virus in due course, it will take its course, in all liklihood and with luck she will make a full recovery.

jadey1991 · 07/12/2023 18:48

Tacotortoise · 07/12/2023 11:43

Which new strain is that @jadey1991 ?

JN.1 strain

Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 19:02

@jadey1991 don't believe what you read in the daily mail!

jadey1991 · 07/12/2023 19:27

Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 19:02

@jadey1991 don't believe what you read in the daily mail!

No darling I don't read the news paper. I'm actually a nurse and deal with covid patients

Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 19:41

@jadey1991 well that doesn't make you an authority on Covid darling!

brentwoods · 07/12/2023 20:12

I had to look to see if this was a zombie thread . . . unfortunately not. You are being VVU. There are plenty of other sicknesses/viruses that you're not making people test for that are just as debilitating or worse. And yes, the kids should be able to refuse to test. I can't believe you've been ok with dad wrestling and forcing the poor toddlers to test before seeing you up until now!

Sad that you are "perfectly happy" to cute yourself off from your family and see them as "not a necessity."

CrushingOnRubies · 07/12/2023 20:18

Yanbu to say that people need to take a covid test before coming into your own home

Yabu to dictate that someone needs to do a Covid test to go to someone else's home.

Who else is going to this party? Just close family or was a wider invite issued?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 21:20

Quick update before I read rest of thread. Looks like Sunday is off, one of the kids has a bug

OP posts:
jadey1991 · 07/12/2023 21:21

Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 19:41

@jadey1991 well that doesn't make you an authority on Covid darling!

I didn't claim to be authority so please let me know where I stated that. I just said that there was a new strain. You asked and I told you.

millymollymoomoo · 07/12/2023 21:31

Utterly bonkers

Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 21:33

@jadey1991 so darling what was the relevance of you telling me you were a nurse?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 21:37

MilkChocolateCookie · 07/12/2023 14:50

OP it's up to you whether to attend of course. But I'm a bit sad that you describe your nieces' birthday party as "not a necessity" Sad

Well it isn't compared to something like a doctor appointment

OP posts:
Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 07/12/2023 21:44

YANBU at all. Just because everyone else has their head in the sand doesn’t mean you need to put your own health at risk.
My 6 y:o will happily test when we go see his nanna - because he understands how important it is we don’t inadvertently take her anything. It’s not difficult. It’s easy. It’s quick.
Its a choice the parents have made.
I would absolutely never dream of not taking a precaution my family had asked for because I love them and want them to be around as long as possible.

Everything is fucked. There’s no masks even in cancer care at the moment. It’s absolutely ridiculous.