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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids and Covid test

253 replies

Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 02:38

I'm just wanting to gauge other people's opinions.

I'm unvaccinated on GP advice. I have a few underlying health issues, don't go out socially often, and multiple GPs in my surgery agreed that vaccination wasn't in my best interests, in part due to my low risk of catching anything.

My husband is fully vaccinated. He also has multiple health conditions.

Ever since Covid tests have been a thing, we've had a rule that anyone visiting, or anyone else we visit, must take a Covid test beforehand. If they don't agree, it's simple: the visit is cancelled.

The ONLY exception to this is my sister's toddler twins who are too young to understand. If they can't test, we accept it. If their dad is at home before a visit, he is usually able to test them. We aren't strict with them because we don't want to traumatise them, plus they don't like cuddles.

We also, if required, happily pay for and supply all tests.

The issue:

My sister and her five children will be at my mum's on Sunday for twins birthday party. Husband and I are going.

Sister tonight said that she will not be able to make DS2 and DS3 test because they don't want to. They are 6 and 9. They have always tested before and I know of no issues. They have clearly been told why they must test.

My mum is begging us to reconsider. I said the boys are old enough to be told to test, and for their mum to simply insist. But DSis thinks it's their right to refuse.

Am I being unreasonable in my unwavering stance that, if they don't test, our visit is off?

DH is adamant he won't go unless all 3 boys are tested.

How about Christmas?

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 07/12/2023 07:51

We don't even test in nursing homes anymore which are filled with vulnerable people. YABU, you can't continue to live your life like this and expect others to pin their dc down and shove swabs up their nose. You can catch absolutely any winter bug and become very poorly. You can't guarantee you'll catch covid and be ventilated. I've seen patients with severe COPD catch covid and be absolutely fine (pre vaccine), it's so variable. Live your life.

tealfluff · 07/12/2023 07:51

KeyWorker · 07/12/2023 06:38

What’s your plan for all other winter viruses? Do you insist they test for influenza, adenovirus, RSV, para influenza? Any of the hundreds of other viruses?

This. YABVU.

Does your husband not leave the house then?

Also interested in why the GP has advised that you aren’t vaccinated. ‘In part due to my low risk of catching anything’ doesn’t sound like a good reason to me if you’re still so worried about covid, especially as you have visitors and a husband who presumably leaves the house.

OhIlovetosew · 07/12/2023 07:53

OP speaking as someone who did until very recently live pretty much still shielding what I will say is that we do need to let other live their lives, and to be honest the cold I caught three months ago with the hacking cough which was definitely not Covid as I tested and tested (and lasted two months) was far worse than my friend who had Covid and was over it in ten days.

it’s a hard one, so you either stay at home and miss out or perhaps you can go and wear a mask.

I hope you find a happy solution and have a good Christmas as we all deserve some quality family time.

HoneyIshrunkthe · 07/12/2023 07:57

OP how do you even know half of the people are actually testing anyway?
It is as simple as saying “Oh yea I did a test and its negative”.
Unsure why your sister didn’t just do this…. I think she is trying to get a point across to you - That it is ridiculous to live like this!!

thishasnotmyweek · 07/12/2023 08:02

YABU because you’re only requiring some of the children to test and not all of them.

The twins are just as likely as the other children to have Covid so it doesn’t make sense that it’s okay for them not to test but the others have to.

At what age will you suddenly require them to start testing?

And it is absolutely the children’s right to refuse to take a test. If my children said they didn’t want to test Before the birthday party there is no way I’d be forcing them to - because it’s really not necessary. Especially if they’re not showing any symptoms of a cold.

Tacotortoise · 07/12/2023 08:05

All I'd suggest @Spencer0220 is you seek specialist advice about the risks and benefits of vaccination to yourself, rather than just relying on the gp's opinion. No one would vaccinate ds1 without a sign off from (in his case) the allergy clinic but his consultant said the risk was far smaller than the gp etc were imagining and it would be fine. It was fine.

I do accept though that there are people who cannot receive specific vaccines for medical reasons and they have my utmost sympathy.

ohtowinthelottery · 07/12/2023 08:05

I really feel for you OP. My DH works with clinically vulnerable adults and when he had a cough and cold last week he tested - we still have some in date tests from when it was recommended for those in health care settings.
However, young children were forced to have these tests so much in the height of the pandemic and beyond, I can understand why both they and their parents want to move on from this. As others have said, pre covid noone would have tested for colds/flu/pneumonia and everyone just made their own judgement about where they went and who they mixed with. Clinically vulnerable are just as much at risk from those diseases.

I think that it is your choice to mix/not mix with others but you can't force others to test indefinitely - plus the tests are not 100% reliable.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 07/12/2023 08:10

Why is there so much drama around a child's birthday party that your mum is 'begging you to reconsider'
And '
what about Christmas? Do you expect people to have no bodily autonomy then either?

FatFatMary · 07/12/2023 08:15

I don’t ask people to test but I won’t see people that have any kind of sore throat/ cough/ cold symptoms and have started wearing a mask again in crowded places

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 07/12/2023 08:15

Am wondering if all the covid procedures made you and dh feel a little less powerless about your lives if you both have to spend your lives isolating?
Everyone else has to live as your 'normal' (Remember the telling us that the covid way of life was the 'new normal') and it maybe made you feel you had a bit of 'power' in life and you're worried about losing this?

iLovee · 07/12/2023 08:16

You cant control other people unfortunately. I wouldn't be testing me ir my children now either. Dont like it, don't come 🤷‍♀️

I hope you have been paying for tests for your family.

FloweryName · 07/12/2023 08:17

Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 05:39

That's the part I don't get! As a parent, it's your job and responsibility to make them do stuff they don't like.

And I'm talking generally here, not just about testing

Show quote history

The children are given a choice because if they don’t want a swab suck up their nose when it has no benefit to them then their wishes should be respected. We all have the right to bodily autonomy, even children.

Making children do stuff they don’t like is something that parents do because they understand what is in their child’s best interests. This doesn’t fall into that category.

Maddy70 · 07/12/2023 08:23

I am now in the vulnerable category, told to avoid interaction as much as possible with people who have colds and flu

I am not making anyone tear as it is pointless, the chances of catching un symptomatic COVID are low , the chances of catching a cold or flu off someone with a virus is high

Just be clear that anyone with any symptoms of any ill health you want to stay away from
But unless you can test fir ANY kind of illness it's daft
I wouldn't be asking children to take an unpleasant test

MigGirl · 07/12/2023 08:28

You know it's no longer a requirement to test for covid even if you get ill. Guidelines also say not to test children. My DS is 13 and although would at a push have a test when needed he refused the one's that swab the back of the throat after a few tests as he really hated them. I don't think you can ever force children to do anything they don't want if it's not necessary.

Also I'll point out that we have had covid in this house several times. The tests don't always work both me and DD have had full blown symptoms and tested negative, we only new it was covid as others in the house tested positive. I would never rely on them for prevention and refused to do regular testing at work during the outbreak as they where never designed for this sort of use. The only thing the test proves it that you don't have enough viruses to show a positive it doesn't actually help prevent the spread very well (this was shown in schools when they where mass testing).

I'm assuming you don't have a flu vaccine either so your probably high risk for flu you would be better off just asking people not to come or to inform you if they actually have any symptoms of illness. After all they could test negative and still have covid or something else and just think oh the test is negative therefore everything is fine.

Workingmumlife1 · 07/12/2023 08:37

And even then we were vaccinated in hospital and observed! I have a severe allergy so went through it. whole post is mad!

MigGirl · 07/12/2023 08:40

Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 07:03

I've always done my best to avoid anyone with illnesses.

I haven't had the flu vaccine since I was early 20s because the side effects left me sick for at least 2 weeks and the chances of flu were slim. I've had it twice in my lifetime.

I understand what people are saying about the kids. I don't have kids and couldn't see how the pandemic would affect them so much. That's why I posted here, for perspective

Thank you everyone

Op if the vaccine left you sick for 2 weeks imagine what the actual flu would do. It's just as dangerous if not more so then covid. I have a friend who is vaunrable and often very ill she always has the vaccines as worries not having any will mean the outcome of the actual virus is much worse. But she can't avoid mixing with people as she has children.

I'm assuming you are under specialist care, I would be asking the consultant not the GP for their opinion.

Also even if the twins don't go to nursery, I'm sure there parents will be taking them to toddler groups/other groups. They are just as likely to pick up bugs there especially as small children just spread everything. This being the main reason they are now vaccinated at school for the flu as it helps protect them and those who are vaunrable.

AussieManque · 07/12/2023 08:45

Stick by your guns, OP. You can set your conditions and require testing, especially given current levels of COVID in the community.

Be aware that tests are not as good with new variants (often no positive till day 4 of symptoms) and swabs should be taken Ideally first thing in the morning before food and drink, swabbing throat, inner cheek and nose. So take other measures like masking, ventilation and running HEPA purifiers to mitigate risk.

ChateauDuMont · 07/12/2023 08:50

This can't be real?

If it is, I'm horrified.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/12/2023 08:52

You can ask but if they don't want to then you can't go. There is no other discussion to be had really.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 08:57

AussieManque · 07/12/2023 08:45

Stick by your guns, OP. You can set your conditions and require testing, especially given current levels of COVID in the community.

Be aware that tests are not as good with new variants (often no positive till day 4 of symptoms) and swabs should be taken Ideally first thing in the morning before food and drink, swabbing throat, inner cheek and nose. So take other measures like masking, ventilation and running HEPA purifiers to mitigate risk.

Edited

Well op cab 'stick to her guns' about who she let's in her home, or where she goes out to but that's about it.
Am horrified by those who think the dc and anyone else should be forcefully tested! Particularly That's the part I don't get! As a parent, it's your job and responsibility to make them do stuff they don't like.

MilkChocolateCookie · 07/12/2023 08:57

Gently, OP, maybe it is time to reconsider your stance? I understand this is very difficult for you.

User1343 · 07/12/2023 08:59

People are generally very anti-covid on here so suggesting anything outside of ‘JUST LET US FUCKING LIVE OUR LIVES’ tends to be met with the kind of hostility you’re getting on here.

Just you do you and ignore the hate you’re getting from some quarters on here.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 09:00

@AussieManque have you ever had to forcibly covid test another person?
Other posters have also mentioned but the noise and emotional effect it had on both me and at that time toddler dc of pinning them down against their car seat while they screamed 'no mummy no mummy please please no' was horrific.

rainbowunicorn · 07/12/2023 09:21

You are very unreasonable OP.
If you are in any way genuine it should be your consultant that you take advice from not your GP. Most GPs don't have the knowledge of a particular condition to advise on such things. That would be up to the consultant who is an expert in the condition and better able to risk assess for the patient.
You are coming across as very selfish. I wouldn't be testing my children.

LIZS · 07/12/2023 09:30

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 07/12/2023 06:35

YANBU to not go if you don't want to.

I think YABU to be annoyed. Your mum is hosting, she's happy to have them there untested. That's the party that's been arranged and you aren't comfortable with it, so don't go. Your mother is unreasonable to be asking you to change your mind when she knows your rules on this.

Agree. It is your choice not go but equally theirs not to insist the dc test. If everyone appears well would you still meet at Christmas or avoid?