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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids and Covid test

253 replies

Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 02:38

I'm just wanting to gauge other people's opinions.

I'm unvaccinated on GP advice. I have a few underlying health issues, don't go out socially often, and multiple GPs in my surgery agreed that vaccination wasn't in my best interests, in part due to my low risk of catching anything.

My husband is fully vaccinated. He also has multiple health conditions.

Ever since Covid tests have been a thing, we've had a rule that anyone visiting, or anyone else we visit, must take a Covid test beforehand. If they don't agree, it's simple: the visit is cancelled.

The ONLY exception to this is my sister's toddler twins who are too young to understand. If they can't test, we accept it. If their dad is at home before a visit, he is usually able to test them. We aren't strict with them because we don't want to traumatise them, plus they don't like cuddles.

We also, if required, happily pay for and supply all tests.

The issue:

My sister and her five children will be at my mum's on Sunday for twins birthday party. Husband and I are going.

Sister tonight said that she will not be able to make DS2 and DS3 test because they don't want to. They are 6 and 9. They have always tested before and I know of no issues. They have clearly been told why they must test.

My mum is begging us to reconsider. I said the boys are old enough to be told to test, and for their mum to simply insist. But DSis thinks it's their right to refuse.

Am I being unreasonable in my unwavering stance that, if they don't test, our visit is off?

DH is adamant he won't go unless all 3 boys are tested.

How about Christmas?

OP posts:

Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 07:13

Spencer0220 · 07/12/2023 07:10

@Behindyouiam do you mean did I discuss the test?

No, all she volunteered is that they don't want to.

No didn't discuss how the children were coping with the lockdown and the pandemic.

This isn't all about you, it's about the children's feelings as well.

You expecting your DS to make them test is UR.

It's your issue to deal with and as I've said before the tests are inaccurate and a money making exercise and false security when they say negative.

Don't go to the party, address your issue with your DM, your DS has made it clear she's not testing the DCs anymore.

Your world is getting to be an even smaller place.

IfYouDontAsk · 07/12/2023 07:14

I had to do many a Covid test on my children a couple of years ago in order for them to be able to go to childcare and for me to be able to work. It was really upsetting for them, and for me having to do the tests on them when they were highly distressed. There is no way I would subject them to Covid tests now, just not doing that again.

I don’t think it’s fair to put your family in this position. A PP said they wouldn’t want to live a half life full of fear and I can’t help think it’s a shame that you’re living such a restricted life, but that’s your choice to make of course. I can’t see how you can carry on this way though without really straining family relationships.

BlochAroundTheClock · 07/12/2023 07:14

OP, I understand how you've come to this point. Covid affected the whole population in one way or the other, and continues to do so.

I can't make a judgement on your risk and medical needs. However, this is your life. Yes, you fear covid and there is a chance (but definitely not a guarantee) it could be serious for you. But living a half life of fear and frustration and increased alienation from family is also serious, and unlike a possible future bout of covid, is already happening.

Avoiding ill people and expecting them to avoid you is one thing, and a sensible precaution. But you will get increasingly frustrated as you lose this testing battle, and end up excluding yourself more and more from life's little joys and the social interactions people are programmed for. It isn't reasonable to force children into this (and if the family did they will only grow to resent you!), and the results are unreliable in symptomless people anyway.

I'd explore the vaccine question again with your consultant. Then I'd gently suggest having a real think about how you would like your life to look, and try and get to the position that small risks are inevitable, and absolutely worth it.
All the best OP.

Weallnamechangesometimes · 07/12/2023 07:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable because you are choosing not to go if they don't test so you loose out not them.

from my perspective I wouldn't make my 7 year old do a test again ever. He still goes ridged with fear every time we drive past the test centre. I would explain and ask if he wanted to try and do the test but it would be down to him.

qbadmrlauaminton · 07/12/2023 07:16

You are not being unreasonable to not attend but you are being unreasonable to expect children to be forced to test for Covid before seeing you. People shouldn't be subjected to medical tests they don't want just because they are a child who could be forced to do it. If my child needed antibiotics and didn't want them I'd make sure they took them as it is in their best interest, but I'm not going to force them to do an unnecessary test to satisfy someone else. Especially as anything short of a full PCR test would be fairly unreliable anyway.

EasterIssland · 07/12/2023 07:17

Yanbu to say you won’t be attending as long as you’re not using it as a threat and to play the victim for not attending

yabu to expect others to do something in their body if they reject to independently of their age.

Iheartmysmart · 07/12/2023 07:17

You are being incredibly unreasonable. And as for your comment ‘My sister's family go out and about with no restrictions from us’ wow, just wow. You can’t control other peoples lives.

justasoul · 07/12/2023 07:18

@Growlybear83 I imagine that most people who don’t test for Covid won’t have noticed them because the boxes look the same as the blue Covid ones.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 07:20

Iheartmysmart · 07/12/2023 07:17

You are being incredibly unreasonable. And as for your comment ‘My sister's family go out and about with no restrictions from us’ wow, just wow. You can’t control other peoples lives.

So benevolent!! (And scary!)
.

henrysugar12 · 07/12/2023 07:21

CEV with an autoimmune disorder here.

YABVVU. Unless they have symptoms, testing is useless. Actually, even with symptoms it's useless too. I've been fully vaccinated up until now. And have had Covid 6 times. I had it back in September, and tested throughout. Not one positive (I had been in contact with someone who tested positive). It just wouldn't show up on the test. Obviously I did the right thing and stayed away from people, which is unnecessary according to government guidelines.

Are you making them test for influenza too? That kills more people than Covid.

You cannot expect others to bend to your rules when those rules are now not enforced by the law.

dottycat123 · 07/12/2023 07:22

I was working as a nurse doing the initial COVID vaccine roll out. All the training/advice was around autoimmune people being a priority for vaccination. I cannot think of any recognised autoimmune diseases which are contraindications for vaccination. This is your choice which is fine. There is no point screening for covid now in well people unless you are going to viral screen for lots of other respiratory viruses, if you are so immunosuppressed flu poses just as great a threat as I assume you don't have the flu vaccine either .

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 07/12/2023 07:24

Weallnamechangesometimes · 07/12/2023 07:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable because you are choosing not to go if they don't test so you loose out not them.

Yes, my DD has a friend (she's 5) who had to have a lot of covid tests because she got a lot of colds and coughs. She recently had to have a blood test and when she heard her parents say "test" (as in blood test) she clamped her hands over her nose and mouth and started crying hysterically saying "no test no test no test". She's not generally a dramatic child, she's pretty calm.

My DD didn't like them but I don't think she really remembers, or if she does she isn't bothered. But I can definitely see that some children are.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/12/2023 07:27

YABU to expect all the child attendees to test before a kids birthday party, especially as the birthday twins won’t be being tested. Kids are little germ factories and even if they tested negatively for covid they could still be carrying something like flu which can also be deadly or leave vulnerable people ventilated in hospital. It sounds like the sensible thing is for you not to go, not to expect small children to be forced into an unpleasant test against their will.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/12/2023 07:27

I wouldn’t be prolonging this misery and madness with children. Those days have gone.

Yuu need to make a decision based on how you feel, not expect others to test etc to accommodate you.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/12/2023 07:29

The vast majority of elderly and/or immunocompromised don’t get covid particularly badly.

HerMammy · 07/12/2023 07:29

I haven't had the flu vaccine since I was early 20s because the side effects left me sick for at least 2 weeks and the chances of flu were slim. I've had it twice in my lifetime.
I find this such an odd statement, you don't take vaccines as your chances are slim, they're slim because you hide away at home and expect others to test and keep you safe.
I'm really struggling to believe someone as health compromised as you seem to be, refuses vaccines and supposedly GPs agree.

Malarandras · 07/12/2023 07:30

I would not be forcing my children to do a test against their wishes to appease someone else. By all means you stay home and let life crack on without you.

Aishah231 · 07/12/2023 07:34

YABVU. You can't keep asking people to test forever. They have been very reasonable to put up with your requests for so long. Covid is no worse than flu now and you're not insisting they test for that. Plus as others have said the tests are useless - as well as a pointless waste of plastic.

Dollmeup · 07/12/2023 07:36

Yanbu not to go, that is totally your choice.

However yanbu to insist that your sisters children be tested against their will. I had to do it for my own children during Covid and it really was traumatic for them. I'm a nurse so tested constantly and I got used to it pretty quick but my kids found it really upsetting and I only tested them when symptomatic.

Having repeated medical interventions in childhood has the possibility to cause medical phobias later on so imo it's not worth the risk in this case and most medical professionals would agree.

gotomomo · 07/12/2023 07:40

You aren't vaccinated by choice, you don't say you can't be vaccinated therefore yabu. Anyway the current strains aren't the same so the tests are at best 50:50 if they work.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 07/12/2023 07:40

SeanMean · 07/12/2023 06:32

YABVVVU and ridiculous!

This.

Daisies12 · 07/12/2023 07:43

Sorry but I think that’s absolutely insane. You’re just going to “live” like this forever? That’s no life. Covid isn’t going away, it’s become endemic and just like another illness. The vast majority of people won’t get very sick because they’ve developed some immunity through exposure. If a family member did what you do I’d think they had severe mental health issues

ChaoticCrumble · 07/12/2023 07:43

My MIL tells people she was told by GPs it would be better not to have the vaccine. What transpired is that she’s terrified of the vaccine and went in such a state about it that the GP basically said you don’t have to have it - which she took as ‘shouldn’t’

Netcam · 07/12/2023 07:43

I very much sympathise and it must be very difficult for you. I would try and discuss the vaccine again with your GP. Even with side effects for a couple of weeks, in the long term it might be a better option.

Although you don't go out much and so your risk is low, you could still get it.

Earlier this year, one morning, I did a test, as both my husband and son had tested positive over the preceeding few days.

My test was positive even though I felt completely fine. By the evening I started feeling terrible and remained so for a few weeks. I was probably infectious in the morning and could have given it to anyone I came into in contact with if I had gone out.

So your DH could be pre-symptomatic and give it to you at any point and it would be too late for him to know and isolate from you.

A good reason to have the vaccine. It also might give you more confidence.

GabriellaMontez · 07/12/2023 07:48

Utterly ridiculous. Selfish.

How long are you going to persist with this?

How many tests do you think these young children should have inflicted on them?

I'm only surprised your sister has gone along with it until now.

I'm slightly interested how you cope at places like the gp or a hospital or with carers/therapists. You know none of them test?

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