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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this sounds like a rubbish Christmas Day?

356 replies

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 00:14

We have a 4 year old and a baby. This year we are spending Christmas with the in-laws (they live in a different EU country). DH’s bro and sis will be there, with their kids (both aged 6). The massive fly in the ointment this year is, my SIL couldn’t come on the 24th due to work, so she she’s travelling up on the 25th with her partner and child, arriving at MIL’s around 4pm. It has therefore been decided that we won’t open presents until DSIL and co arrive, at around 4pm. We’ll then have our proper full Christmas Dinner on the 26th.

Am I being a consumeristic spoilt drama queen who is raising my children to be consumeristic spoilt drama queens, or does that sound like a really shit plan when you’ve got little kids?

It had apparently been proposed that we could potentially lie to the children and tell them it’s Christmas Eve on the 25th, and act as though it’s Christmas Day on the 26th, but that idea was rejected for some reason (I wasn’t involved in the conversations so I’m not sure why - it sounds like the ideal solution to me).

Another idea I have thought of would be to let the children open a couple of presents when they wake up and then open the rest when SIL and co arrive.

I can just hear the tantrums now, when our DC wake up on the 25th to be told “yes, Father Christmas has been, but don’t you dare touch those presents!”. I am struggling to think of a way of selling it to her. (There’s also the fact that I think it sounds a bit rubbish for the adults too… Just doing nothing all day until 4pm, and the kids won’t even be distracted with their new toys…)

AIBU to insist and say the proposed plan doesn’t work for us and we want to either do Christmas on the 26th, or let the children open a few presents on Christmas morning? Or am I being materialistic and selfish and we should just go with the flow?

OP posts:
FeetupTvon · 07/12/2023 07:02

We open a present each first thing.
The rest are opened after dinner. It’s great, works really well for us. The excitement seems to last longer

Maray1967 · 07/12/2023 07:05

SantaBarbaraMonica · 07/12/2023 00:19

Ps. I GUARANTEE you that the two 6 yr olds will have opened Santa gifts that morning, no matter what the plan is.

Yes. I would be putting my foot down and saying my DC will be opening presents in the morning as per tradition. Adults can save theirs for later. Tell your DH to make this clear or do it yourself.

Original poster
Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 07:10

Brefugee · 07/12/2023 06:49

have only read OP.
Your children are too young to understand that there is One True Christmas Day and therefore everything should happen on 25th. I would push everything one day back.

Because otherwise your insistence that one small child have the christmas YOU want, a whole family of adults have to have their idea shot down in flames.

As the parent or son/daughter in that family (your in-laws) i wouldn't be amused at all and not indulging you. A small present, if you really mus, for the 4 year old would be ok on Christmas day. Otherwise YABVU

Thank you for your comment, it’s good to hear other points of view because I think I’m starting to realise this might just be one massive culture clash… hinging on the question of whose enjoyment is most important at Christmas, the children’s or the adults’?

I was raised with the former… children’s enjoyment is at the very heart of Christmas and I feel like I would be willing to put up with a lot of inconvenience to make the children’s day a good one. But I think in DH’s culture it feels like Christmas might be primarily “for” the adults, and the children are expected to slot in around the adults’ plans for eating and drinking and opening presents together. There’s nothing wrong with either, but it makes it tricky to manoeuvre when you’re alternating from one culture to the other, doing one thing one year and another thing the next, and everyone is operating on unspoken assumptions that they haven’t discussed because they take it for granted everyone else knows.

For example, I would never in a million years have dreamed that some adults might feel their Christmas had been “shot down in flames” just because a young child opened a few of their presents a few hours earlier than everyone else (possibly in their own room).

OP posts:
Globules · 07/12/2023 07:11

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 06:48

Yes, this is how I see it too. I suppose there is potential for jealousy when the other cousin arrives and sees his cousins playing with their new toys when he hasn’t had any yet, but I’m thinking that jealousy would last all of 20 minutes before he gets to open his presents too.

Show quote history

I'm now remembering my children at their grandparents one Christmas day. Aged 5 & 7. Opened presents in the morning. Later in the day more family arrived, including step great grandparents and their biological grandchildren.

These 10&8 yr old grandchildren received full to the brim sacks nearly as tall as them from step great grandparents. Console games, expensive clothing, branded toys. These children had no consideration for what was in the presents, just ripped off the paper and dug into the sack for the next one. It was disgusting to watch the entitlement.

My children received nothing from step great grandparents. They didn't care. They weren't watching the show either, even though step great grandparents insisted they were in the room as it was "family". They had their noses in the thoughtfully chosen books from me they'd opened themselves earlier in the day. Couldn't put them down. Great grandparents were cross with my children that they weren't watching the present opening and kept encouraging them to put down their books 🤷

Grandparents were disgusted with great grandparents. I took my cue from my children. If they weren't bothered, why should I be?

And I'm glad they opened their presents earlier in the day. They had far fewer presents, and far more enjoyment in them because of it. I'd have felt awful if they opened their 3 presents, then had to watch the indulgence of the other two.

Sugarfree23 · 07/12/2023 07:12

Op your DH basically has no Santa traditions. This really does smack of Grandparents trying to get the GC together because they missed out on the magic of Christmas when their own kids were little.
Do Santa the way YOU want to do it. TBH all families do it differently anyway.

Some Santa brings everything no acknowledgement to anyone other than Santa.

Some Santa only brings Stockings. But the definition of stocking even on MN varies from an actual stock to a sack or pillowcase. I'm not sure how magical that is, when kids have seen big things like bikes next to the tree before going to bed.

I grew up with Santa as a magic courier, he delivers everything. Gifts just appeared under the tree. Pure magic going to bed and everything just appears.

But whatever way you do it. It would be a heck of a long day for kids looking at gifts and not being able to open them.

I feel for SILs kid too what a rubbish way to spend Christmas day on a train. Do trains even run on Christmas Day?
18 sleeps to get a sensible plan worked out.

Really you only get a few years of kids truly believing before doubt sets in. Enjoy those magical years.

Alighttouchonthetiller · 07/12/2023 07:12

AnotherDanceClass · 07/12/2023 00:27

They can’t tell you what to do. My kids would be opening their presents on Xmas morning, everyone else could do whatever they wanted. You’re an adult, a parent, you get to choose what your children do.

Ah, yes. The modern spirit of compromise. A lovely way to foster good relationships and to model the intricacies of social give and take to the next generation.🙄

thankyouforthedayz · 07/12/2023 07:17

My Mum was a Nurse and often at work on Christmas Day so Christmas was a moveable feast for us. It has been for my kids due to work commitments. We would always have our stockings on Christmas morning, but our tradition was family/friends gifts later in the day/spread over a few days. We didn't pretend family gifts were from Santa though. It confuses me why a child would write a thank you letter to a relative if Santa brought it? I think your child and the other child should have something(s) to,open on Christmas morning, but does there have to be a frenzy of opening everything at once? Could more presents be found on Boxing Day eg with an embellished story of how Santa found them at the back of his Sleigh and brought them on his way back to Lapland?

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/12/2023 07:20

Thank them for their lovely idea and say that's not going to work. Whatever happens your dc will be opening their gifts at least from father c / you on Xmas morning... Non negotiable

Noghtsaving · 07/12/2023 07:22

I just wouldn’t go.

Original poster
Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 07:23

It's simple.
you go to some one else’s for Xmas you sign up to dance their tune.
want to do it your way stay at yours.

I do appreciate this, but I still think some sort of compromise would be preferable. I’m quite sure MIL would much rather we find a way to make it enjoyable for everyone rather than have us say “well, Christmas at yours is rubbish, so we won’t be coming next time”.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 07/12/2023 07:23

Wait until 4pm. Teaching a child to consider others is no bad thing.

Keepinmovin · 07/12/2023 07:24

It won't be possible to keep Santa presents for that long, they'll be up and at them early doors.
So just inform them that Santa presents will be opened in the morning and the rest later on which is fine.

Brefugee · 07/12/2023 07:24

you don't need to compromise. It is ONE christmas. Next year presumably you'll be either with your parents or at home and you can do what you like.

Brefugee · 07/12/2023 07:26

my DH regularly worked on Christmas day, and we (British family) live in a country where everyone else does presents on 24th. And my DCs were perfectly happy to wait until we could all do presents on 26th (or even 27th once) - as were any visitors we had with us. Including children.

We did stockings on 25th usually, but that was it. Nobody died. Nobody has post-Late-Christmas trauma.

Sugarfree23 · 07/12/2023 07:26

@thankyouforthedayz It confuses me why a child would write a thank you letter to a relative if Santa brought it? Because Santa bringing it doesn't mean its from Santa. It has a tag that says who sent it. Santa just delivered it. He can be a magic courier!

What confuses me is if Santa only brings small things, and doesnt deliver relative gifts, where do big bulky things like bikes come from? Do kids see them before going to bed?

Brefugee · 07/12/2023 07:29

when i got my bike for Christmas it must have been stashed in the shed or something, because it arrived after we'd opened the other presents. I went to the loo, came back and me and my brother had new bikes (choppers, so cool)

WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 07/12/2023 07:29

The only thing I can think of working with their plan is if you tell your DS that Santa arrives later in the day in that county? Because he has to get to everywhere. So in the morning you do something Christmas films and baking, then you put out Santas milk and cookies etc, go for a walk and when you get back at 4pm Santa has been

SuspiciousSue · 07/12/2023 07:41

Your SIL shouldn’t be allowed to dictate Christmas like this. She’s the one arriving late, you’re all on time. It’s not like she’s coming at 9am but you’re insisting on opening presents at 2am. This is totally bonkers. Do you have to go? I wouldn’t.

Butterflywings18 · 07/12/2023 07:42

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 00:19

They don’t want to open presents in the morning as they think we should all open our presents together.

SIL is in her 30s, her child is 6

Ridiculous & so clinical. I usually host. A few years ago my family who rip open pressies on Christmas morning when all up & about were forced to do one at a time after the meal including very young children. It stressed me out and took away the spontaneity. Do what you want to do.

KingsleyBorder · 07/12/2023 07:43

Sugarfree23 · 07/12/2023 07:26

@thankyouforthedayz It confuses me why a child would write a thank you letter to a relative if Santa brought it? Because Santa bringing it doesn't mean its from Santa. It has a tag that says who sent it. Santa just delivered it. He can be a magic courier!

What confuses me is if Santa only brings small things, and doesnt deliver relative gifts, where do big bulky things like bikes come from? Do kids see them before going to bed?

We’d hide anything that is too big to wrap, or too obvious when wrapped, and hand over mid-morning on Xmas day, But you don’t have to make them appear magically. It’s done after breakfast, along with taking all he other labelled presents out from under the tree, where they have bee waiting for at least a week, being prodded and speculated upon.. Stockings/ sack from Santa appear overnight and are opened first thing, and in our house there are some quite major presents from Santa.

fuzzyduck1 · 07/12/2023 07:44

Just take yourself off for a long walk in the morning if anything starts to kick off and let them sort it out. Just make sure back for 4pm for dinner.

Brefugee · 07/12/2023 07:44

SuspiciousSue · 07/12/2023 07:41

Your SIL shouldn’t be allowed to dictate Christmas like this. She’s the one arriving late, you’re all on time. It’s not like she’s coming at 9am but you’re insisting on opening presents at 2am. This is totally bonkers. Do you have to go? I wouldn’t.

I'm sure the SIL and all the other in-laws - it is at their family home, after all - could say the same about OP.

Original poster
Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 07:47

Brefugee · 07/12/2023 07:26

my DH regularly worked on Christmas day, and we (British family) live in a country where everyone else does presents on 24th. And my DCs were perfectly happy to wait until we could all do presents on 26th (or even 27th once) - as were any visitors we had with us. Including children.

We did stockings on 25th usually, but that was it. Nobody died. Nobody has post-Late-Christmas trauma.

Yeah so the suggestion from MIL and BIL is the children won’t have ANYTHING in the morning, no stockings, nothing. I don’t know if they’re planning on telling the kids Santa came but they can’t open anything, or that Santa isn’t coming until the afternoon (DH intends to clarify that today).

I am thinking of suggesting they either have a stocking in the morning, or open a couple of presents, and then open the rest when SIL arrives. I don’t see how that would ruin the adults’ Christmas…

OP posts:
wherethewildtbingsgo · 07/12/2023 07:48

This sounds exhausting and a good example of why I'm never doing Christmas morning at anyone else's house. Just tell your DH that your kids will be opening their stockings in bed with you as normal on Christmas morning and then big presents can be saved to later. He can manage his parents and brother.

Brefugee · 07/12/2023 07:52

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 07:47

Yeah so the suggestion from MIL and BIL is the children won’t have ANYTHING in the morning, no stockings, nothing. I don’t know if they’re planning on telling the kids Santa came but they can’t open anything, or that Santa isn’t coming until the afternoon (DH intends to clarify that today).

I am thinking of suggesting they either have a stocking in the morning, or open a couple of presents, and then open the rest when SIL arrives. I don’t see how that would ruin the adults’ Christmas…

Show quote history

so just, instead of going in all guns blazing to insist that your family have everything on 25th as normal (and as they will hear it "sod the rest of you") just say something like "well we're going to give DC4 their stocking as usual" and maybe suggest the other 6 year old the same (or take a small gift for them to be opened earlier with your DC?)

and don't make it a battleground. Your 4 year old really won't care - the 6 year old may.

As for all the pp with the attitude of "sod the SIL for turning up late it's her look out" have a little think why she may be coming late? Maybe split from her DCs dad and it's his turn for Christmas day wake-up? maybe she's working in the A&E and can only get away later? She's going to her own parents for Christmas and wants to enjoy it and so many of you are being utterly mean about it. I hope nobody is like that about you behind your back.