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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this sounds like a rubbish Christmas Day?

356 replies

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 00:14

We have a 4 year old and a baby. This year we are spending Christmas with the in-laws (they live in a different EU country). DH’s bro and sis will be there, with their kids (both aged 6). The massive fly in the ointment this year is, my SIL couldn’t come on the 24th due to work, so she she’s travelling up on the 25th with her partner and child, arriving at MIL’s around 4pm. It has therefore been decided that we won’t open presents until DSIL and co arrive, at around 4pm. We’ll then have our proper full Christmas Dinner on the 26th.

Am I being a consumeristic spoilt drama queen who is raising my children to be consumeristic spoilt drama queens, or does that sound like a really shit plan when you’ve got little kids?

It had apparently been proposed that we could potentially lie to the children and tell them it’s Christmas Eve on the 25th, and act as though it’s Christmas Day on the 26th, but that idea was rejected for some reason (I wasn’t involved in the conversations so I’m not sure why - it sounds like the ideal solution to me).

Another idea I have thought of would be to let the children open a couple of presents when they wake up and then open the rest when SIL and co arrive.

I can just hear the tantrums now, when our DC wake up on the 25th to be told “yes, Father Christmas has been, but don’t you dare touch those presents!”. I am struggling to think of a way of selling it to her. (There’s also the fact that I think it sounds a bit rubbish for the adults too… Just doing nothing all day until 4pm, and the kids won’t even be distracted with their new toys…)

AIBU to insist and say the proposed plan doesn’t work for us and we want to either do Christmas on the 26th, or let the children open a few presents on Christmas morning? Or am I being materialistic and selfish and we should just go with the flow?

OP posts:
BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 09/12/2023 08:48

FarEast · 07/12/2023 08:11

YABU and very selfish. The children don’t know the exact date. You’re prepared to let your SiL and her DC miss out ? She’s working FFS.

Do something else Christmas morning. A walk, a movie, even go to church. Have a nice lunch then before you know it, it’ll be 4pm.

Let SIL and her DC miss out on what? Let the DC miss out on opening their gifts at the same time as their cousin? The kids won't care who is opening what, they'll be completely involved in their own present unwrapping.

The OPs DC could, as they always do, open their gifts on Christmas morning. As children do, and presents and santa are all about the children after all. Not selfish adults who want a child to be staring at their Christmas presents all day but not allowed to open them because they want to see the children unwrapping their presents together. Once SILs child arrives, they'll get to dive in about their own gifts.

I'm not sure what the issue is? OP definitely isn't being selfish for wanting her children to open their gifts on Christmas morning like any other child, especially when it won't affect her niece/nephew whatsoever.

DappledThings · 09/12/2023 09:14

I’d still rather coordinate to avoid the risk of my nephew catching wind that my DD got a stocking, and wondering why Father Christmas has already been for his cousin but not for him, thereby ruining his Christmas
You're really overthinking this. Maybe FC brings him something in the morning and he opens it before they set out, maybe he gets told your DC got their stocking in the morning and are waiting for the other gifts, maybe some people get everything from FC and some don't. His friends will all have different traditions, he might notice, he might not. Nothing is going to be ruined and morning needs to be coordinated like a military operation.

First Christmas we had on my side once there were DC we did it differently at the same time. My children and my brother's are same ages. When older ones we were at my parents all together. We arrived a day earlier and all our presents to each other and to DC were under the tree as soon as we arrived. SIL and DB kept all of the ones to and from their side hidden till Xmas Eve and they appeared after DC asleep delivered by FC. No child noticed it was different for each other even in the same house. They never have done. It's really not a big deal.

gamerchick · 09/12/2023 09:28

Fuck that I'd be staying at home and going up boxing day or something. People need to stand up for their kids sometimes when it comes to family

Blueink · 09/12/2023 09:36

No it’s not ‘rubbish’ and they will be with cousins which is lovely for them.

Can you do a stocking of small gifts they open in the morning in their room? Play board games with them?

They are old enough to understand and adapt to fitting in with their extended family, but also will be led by you and your attitude and there is so much to be grateful for from what you said.

Elaina87 · 09/12/2023 10:26

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's your Christmas too and your 4 year old is not too young to understand, this will be the first year she is really excited about it all. Pushing back a day would make sense, could def do that with a 6 year old!! I would say 4 year should be able to open a couple of presents to play with, maybe come up with some games too and lots of nice nibbles!! Fill the day with other things.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 09/12/2023 11:35

I have a 6 year old, he knows Xmas is 25th and he can read the date on my phone! Also he’ll know his advent calendar runs out on Xmas Eve. It’s mean or make them wait until evening to open all their presents , yes they need to learn to be patient but they are also 6 with a pile of new stuff to enjoy! I wouldn’t want to hassle of trying to distract them all day, either!

Santibbz · 09/12/2023 14:37

I can honestly say if I was in your shoes and this idea was suggested to me, I would not hesitate to reject it immediately. Christmas Day for children is basically the morning, running to the Christmas tree to see the presents Santa has left and rip them all open. Eating chocolate from one of your selection boxes for breakfast whilst the parents, if you’re like me, sit back and watch the horror of the wrapping paper everywhere unfold whilst trying not to have a mental breakdown because you’re so over stimulated. But I would not have it any other way 🎄🎅🏻

usernamecopied · 09/12/2023 16:11

Wow theirs a lot of judgement on this thread. OP isn’t the devil in carnet she’s just trying to do right he her children, as would I.

Totally unreasonable to expect a small child of that age to understand they can’t open presents until later, they should at least get one or two, also totally unreasonable to let them think Santa hasn’t been, unless you can get away with the country lie (preschool will help with this). I’m a nursery teacher and I’d definitely help a parent with that lie.

I'm from a family where children come first at Christmas. You are not being a drama queen for putting your kids first. Also a family of nurses and doctors, and multicultural and Christmas Day was always done on Christmas Day, some years we’d be missing a parent till late but they used to love walking in to us playing with our presents and being all excited to tell them what Santa brought. It was never even a thought in my parents head they’d delay everything until they could see us. My Dad used to dress up as Santa every year and that would be the one thing delayed until both parents were there, and we’d get a small delivery with him of some more presents. We’d have also opened presents from other family part way through the day when they arrive to, so it’s split throughout the day. I don’t see why it can’t be split throughout the day for you too, they should at least get something in the morning.

If they ended up carting in presents in front of your children I’d just make up an excuse that the chimney was broke so Santa left them outside. And if they’re really is no presents Christmas morning I’d be getting them to believe they don’t come till later in that country.

I don’t think it should be a case of not your house not your rules as all that will happen is you and you children will never want to spend Christmas there again if it doesn’t work in anyway for you.

Sugarfree23 · 09/12/2023 16:49

@Coffeeismyfriend1 agreed.
I think you could fool a 4yo but not a 6yo.

I was thinking about this thread and remembered the old 1980s advent calender on ceefax with the reveal button. I did suggest starting advent calendars on the wrong date to move Christmas. But thinking about it I'm not even sure that would work.

Feedthatgoat · 09/12/2023 17:56

Let your children open their Santa presents when they get up. They are only little for a very short time and then the magic goes. Open the family presents later.

Newsenmum · 09/12/2023 18:22

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 00:19

They don’t want to open presents in the morning as they think we should all open our presents together.

SIL is in her 30s, her child is 6

Well it’s not just about them. Sure you can do family presents on the 26th if you want but Santas will be opened on 25th (in assuming you’ve organised those ones).

Newsenmum · 09/12/2023 18:24

Also why does sil need to watch your open your other gifts anyway? It’s actually nice to spread it out and less awkward.

Newsenmum · 09/12/2023 18:25

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/12/2023 11:00

OK but, again, you’re talking about getting a stocking from Santa in the morning and then delaying the family’s gifts. I have no problem with that, in fact that’s what I will be suggesting we do! They want to have NO GIFTS WHATSOEVER until 4pm, no stocking, no Santa presents, nothing.

Show quote history

And if I were you I’d say sorry that’s not going to work for us. Your DH should be saying it as it’s his family.

Magicmama92 · 09/12/2023 19:24

I'd be fuming. I don't understand why they expect your kids to suffer. Christmas should go ahead on the day and presents opened as normal not waiting for someone else. Why can't you all have dinner and do party food the day after for her it makes no sense. I'd be having Xmas at home. You can't lie about it or expect your kids to wait all day it's not fair then not even have Xmas dinner. Nope..

Tamsynb12 · 09/12/2023 19:24

I have just read everything and I fully agree with you. Christmas for children is all about the magic of Santa and the build up the whole of December. Yes it’s about spending time with family and all the other wonderful things, but for children it’s that magic, the stories, the thinking and swearing blind you’ve just seen him whilst looking out a window with your siblings watching snow fall and that excitement for running downstairs on Christmas morning in awe. Some people have made good points too and I can borderline see some of them about it being selfish and it’s about family. However as a parent it’s about my child and I would do anything to keep that magic. I feel quite sorry for you and the situation as I think people are misunderstanding you and judging you. I would have a chat with your partner and his parents and explain why you want a few presents at to be opened. Surely they can compromise? What is a few presents to ease their boredom whilst they wait for their cousin. I think they’re being ridiculous if I’m honest! Also, if you tell the children “it would be nice to wait to open the rest of your presents until … arrives and you can open them together” I’m sure they will understand (maybe after a tantrum) but asking them to wait to open anything I think it’s totally selfish. In sure sil wouldn’t even mind either, because I wouldn’t if I was her. People have their own traditions and beliefs, I believe that “magic” of Christmas is for children and the stories of Santa we have grown up with. And I think it would tarnish it a bit expecting them to wait for the benefit of others. I hope you all find a solution that suits everyone x

Kezzy16 · 09/12/2023 19:53

i couldn’t do this not far on our kids. We always make ours wait til we’ve had a cuppa but they get a stocking that they can open and even then they wouldnt be able to contain their excitement.

when I was younger my dad used to work Christmas Day and would be up early we use to get the choice to either get up really early to open the pressies or wait until he finished work dnt think I ever waited til he came home to excited 🤣

Belles8335 · 09/12/2023 19:59

But it’s not just their decision to make? Let them open presents from you in the morning and then presents from their grandparents and your SIL when they arrive? Either that or have Christmas Eve on the 25th like you proposed. They’re your kids - don’t give your in laws the option.

Gemst199 · 09/12/2023 20:14

As a child we always opened presents from our parents (Santa/end of the bed) on Christmas morning. Extended family presents went under the tree and got opened mid afternoon once everyone who hadn't spent the night was gathered.
Kids have something to open straight away and also means that each family can do presents how they want (price, number etc) without children being aware of any differences.

MrsCarson · 09/12/2023 22:07

We open presents later in the day on Christmas Day, but little kids/preteens get to open a few nice bits and their stocking first thing in the morning.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/12/2023 22:47

The kids are exempt from any present opening rule changes!

It's Christmas Day, regardless of what the adults do, they get to open them when they wake up. You cannot present a child with gifts from Santa and them tell them they can't open them until later....absolutely ridiculous to think otherwise!

AuntMarch · 09/12/2023 23:08

I think I'd get someone to put most of the gifts under the tree at home, so that when you get back she finds that he's been and left most of them there.

Adin · 10/12/2023 00:51

I think this is a culture clash. When I was young we didn't get any presents with Christmas. We got it an other time of the year and just from the Santa equivalent, not as many as here and only bought by people actually present. We knew other places had Santa but didn't believe in him, but we believed in our own version of Santa. When I moved to Britain I was quite overwhelmed by the number of presents children get and how many are from people not actually there at Christmas. Also the presents we got often come with little notes and jokes and a big part of the fun for the adults and the children is to be there and see your gifts being received. So I can see the culture clash here and why the in-laws might have different expectations for Christmas and how gifts are given.
We quite often moved our present gifting evening to different evenings and it was easily explained: since such and such is working we asked "Santa" to bring the presents a day later/earlier so that we can all be together. As long as children know what is going to happen they will be fine. Remember children are really adaptable and traditions can change a bit and still create amazing memories.

Hmcs · 10/12/2023 01:50

If you are in a different country
you could explain that Father Christmas delivers later

maybe they get a couple of presents in the morning from mum and dad

Emma8888 · 10/12/2023 05:23

How about something a little more out of the box. Or in this case, literally in a box. Have Santa deliver a very large box (the more outlandish the better, stuff with packing peanuts/ newspaper). Inside a note from Santa asking for the two children’s help with a special project. Tell them that cousin x is travelling a long way that day and could they help Santa make x’s Christmas magical by helping Santa bake some Christmas cookies / cakes for x and his parents, helping draw a merry Christmas banner to hang up, and going on a secret scavenger hunt to find some carrots for the reindeer to give them lots of energy to finish deliveries. He can explain that he’ll bring all of the presents later in the day because he definitely wants to try the cookies and see the banner, and the reindeer want their carrots! Then have baking supplies with lots of sprinkles and icing, art and craft supplies, and enlist grandparents to hide carrots around the garden.

Or a variation on the theme. The kids are occupied with crafts and baking, and some outdoor time to run off energy, the magic of Christmas is retained, if a little different, and it keeps the peace.

Zoomom · 10/12/2023 08:09

This is tough. I’d revisit lying to them about the date of Xmas, that seems so much easier. You could also come up with some magical lie about Santa maybe staggering visits due to the SIL and cousin being late- so brings some presents on Xmas eve and some more Christmas night along with all presents for the cousin to open on Boxing Day- so you can create more of a Christmas on Boxing Day. Rational would be that Santa wanted to make sure everyone was able to celebrate together so he makes special exceptions for certain families.

I don’t think you’re being dramatic- I think we all get funny about Xmas traditions with our kids. Especially when they are in the ages yours are because it’s a really finite era of magic. My oldest is just about 3 and I’m starting to get a bit annoyed with the fact that on my husband’s side they want him to open gifts in front of them before Xmas if we aren’t spending Xmas with them. He ends up opening loads of gifts throughout December because my in laws are divorced. As a child I was used to having all gifts from everyone regardless of if they were with us on Christmas under the tree day off. I think it’s a biproduct of the fact that my husband’s parents are divorced and they got used to opening gifts with each parent on Xmas day and Boxing Day. That might be something to look at- lots of kids of divorce are fine with spreading Xmas to Boxing Day and actually really love it (my husband did at least- 2 days of Xmas!) maybe think about it like that!