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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for help regarding family Christmas things .. need thoughts!

265 replies

Notoldeeally · 06/12/2023 19:27

So we have an issue about christmas!
last year we had a stressful time as we did not know when our adult dd s were leaving .. ( with partners) .. they ended up staying 10 days.

Now , i know they are our kids but its not the same when they bring partners .

We live in a modest 3 bed .

We are in our 60 s .. retired professionals with limited income . No state pension yet.

There are two issues

  1. lenght of stay .Dd is always reluctant to make firm plans . She likes to think this is still her home and as such can stay as long as she wants. At christmas last year she would not say how long she wanted to stay , just saying oh I might want the new year here too . we found 10 days just too long , especially as partner with her.How to limit the lenght of stay. I was thinking 6 nights not ten this year,but this would mean them not being here for new year.. and they always want to be here for that too. They live a 4 hour drive away.. so want to stay for duration . We live in a seaside town and alternative accommodation like a house nearby would be great but its v v expensive.
  2. activities ! When we are just watching tv or reading she says .. so what are we doing next .. i tell her oh we dont have to do anything, lets just chill .. but she seems to need structure .. so can we olay a game tonight , can we all watch a film.. ten nights of organised nights( as well as an organised thing like a walk for us all) exhausted us and we domt want to do it again. We repeatedly said games some nights but chill others , but she seems to have a fixation that we all need to be doing together!! Most if the time. She gets angry if we suggest otherwise.she seems to think us having a bit of soace is an insult to her , when it isnt .. she says things like well we should make the most of our time.how to tell her in a way she can hear???? Last Christmas was so exhausting and ended up with dh really really tense. we want to change it this year by being proactive and gently firm .. but we know dd will most likely be upset at this and also that there is a time limit as she thinks the oarental home is always open …and i get why she thinks that but we cant be that exhausted again. Any tips on how to say things much appreciated( I just know if we time limit she will say .. but if we only stay … so long.. what about new year.. i want to be here at new year too) I know we dont sound assertive but we dont want upset dd .. with our ds he takes time out goes for walks .. allows a bit of breathing soace.. with dd not so and its just how she is and has been since she was small .
OP posts:
stomachameleon · 08/12/2023 16:08

@Notoldeeally I wouldn't necessarily tackle that In a discussion about Xmas and expectations.

It all depends how you want the chat to go?

A list of 'you did xyz' isn't going to work. It will get her back up.

An email suggesting
Christmas Eve - dinner provided by you and bf
Christmas Day- we do a course each.
Boxing Day- games day. Son will be bringing nibbles.

Is more constructive.
What do you want Xmas to look like?

Hobnobswantshernameback · 08/12/2023 16:18

Nobody is this much of a wet lettuce

Spaghettieis · 08/12/2023 16:21

Poor DD, she must have barely moved out and clearly misses you and wants to make the most of the time you get together. Can you blame her? Your lack of energy which has presumably gone drastically downhill in the few years since she saw you every day probably makes her worry that your health/longevity isn’t good, you chose to move away and you didn’t cut the apron strings when you brought her up.

How often do you see her during the year? Could you do shorter but more frequent visits instead? And get her therapy

Honeychickpea · 08/12/2023 17:50

Hobnobswantshernameback · 08/12/2023 16:18

Nobody is this much of a wet lettuce

Actually, on mumsnet it seems to be the norm to tiptoe around adult offspring's demands - reasonable or not.

Imobsessedwithsuccesion · 09/12/2023 12:25

Why can't you just say, 'It will be great to have you DD, we're seeing friends/going to X city/going to a show on the 28th so you can head home then' to her as though that's a fact and not up for discussion OP, I don't get it?

Original poster
Notoldeeally · 09/12/2023 12:41

Imobsessedwithsuccesion because they would want stay in house ! I really cant say you cant stay in oaretalnhome when we away .

OP posts:
StoodySmithereens · 09/12/2023 13:12

Tell them you’ll be taking turns in future, not open for discussion. If there’s 3 of you that’s a day of hosting each, with Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, & Boxing Day. Your daughter has dictated to you for far too long. No more 10 day freeloading.

guineverehadgreeneyes · 09/12/2023 13:12

I hate to say this OP, but you seem very reluctant to do or say anything you think might upset your daughter even though the current holiday arrangements and her expectations are untenable.

In order for this situation to change, she is going to have to accept some degree of discomfort and you are going to have to stand up to her.

Imobsessedwithsuccesion · 09/12/2023 13:46

OP tough! I want to be a size 8 and still eat loads of chocolate but it's not happening. Why does it all have to suit her? Tell her she needs to head home to let you do pretend thing. The end. Why are you so scared of her?

Original poster
Notoldeeally · 09/12/2023 14:26

Imobsessedwithsuccesion
because she says things like “ dont you want me to be here.. ( angry voice ) fam important/ its ok we will stay and you can still do yr thing/ in the past they have stayed in out house when we away and they wd see it as odd that thyley cant stay when we are away if we siad we were going away …
I did say why dont you host this year you have several bedrooms. But they said they want to come here . Next year id love a change but only if ds can come to hers also.I gave example of when I was small it was takennin turns.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notoldeeally · 09/12/2023 14:34

Imobsessedwithsuccesion when we have said tou can head off on so and so a date because we are busy with friends.. reply has been oh dont worry we will fit round them ie still stay
that we are going away / to a show .. same
ie they seem to consider our house a place they can stay ( and call it a base) wether we are here or not . We would haveto say we want you to go and we do not want you to stay in the house.
would find that v hard .)
then they would say .. why not ..? I have no words for that , especially as It is a pretend thing .
The only way I could do ut is pretend someone else is coming or a house swap .
I think she would be realky really angry or upset if i said they could not stay if we were ‘ away’ .

OP posts:
Imobsessedwithsuccesion · 09/12/2023 14:41

I'm not getting why a grown adult has to be tiptoed round, so what if she's angry. 'It suits us to have you til the 28th then we have plans/want to relax' The end. You matter too!

stomachameleon · 09/12/2023 15:21

@Notoldeeally have you addressed the contributing? Cooking? Housework? Yet.

I am also puzzled as to why feel you can't stand up to your own child? What do you think will happen? Will she squeam and squeam until she is sick?

This is your chance to get this right for all the holidays to come. Or this will continue to be your existence.

Come on you got this....

steppemum · 09/12/2023 15:38

She is behaving like a child, and yet she is an adult.
She can throw a strop, have a tantrum all she likes, you need to find that place in yourself where YOUR well being is more important than her tantrum.

You said you were ND, it seems to me that she is too. She is not getting any social cues at all from you. It is time to sit her down and have an adult conversation. No hints or suggestions, be BLUNT. Darling, no, you cannot stay for 10 days.

I would use phrases like
Darling, we love you, and you know that we love celebrating Christmas with you. But you are an adult now, and you have your own home.
This house is not your main home any more and it is not your partners home.
This is our home, and we are getting older and now that you and ds have left home dad and I would like you to start respecting it as our home.

But before you do that, I would start with the contributions.
I said in a post further up, that my mum changed christmas when I was a similar age, she took the bull by the horns and said to people - what are you bringing? But she give them options like - 6 bottles of wine or 3 desserts? So that each person pulled their weight.
Add in the - so we are sharing the cooking, I will do Christmas day and boxing day, ds you do christmas eve and dd you are cooking on 27th.

I think you will find that if you insist on sharing costs, bringing their share of food, and helping with cooking and chores, that the issue of staying 10 days will disappear.

steppemum · 09/12/2023 15:40

dont you want me to be here.. ( angry voice ) - NO not for 10 days, no I don't. I find it too much. 4 days is perfect and then we can really enjoy each others company!

fam important - YES and at the heart of the family is respect. Please respect our choices and decisions.

steppemum · 09/12/2023 15:42

The key to remember is that she is going to throw a strop.
Expect it, be prepared for it, and don't give in to it. If she starts shouting, say - I'll call you back when you are calmer and hang up.

Original poster
Notoldeeally · 09/12/2023 16:50

Thank you all .
so this is the plan ….

We are going set dates
request contributions
say that we all do things differently so that we don't have to do things with n groups all the time so that all different needs / temperaments met

a cooking rota so that all get days off

lunches will just provide
bread / cheese/ etc .

mention col and that we all need to chip in

.

OP posts:
stomachameleon · 09/12/2023 17:20

Bravo @Notoldeeally!
Get it done asap so that if the predictable happens you have time for the dust to settle....
No mentioning baths :)

guineverehadgreeneyes · 09/12/2023 19:32

Notoldeeally · 09/12/2023 16:50

Thank you all .
so this is the plan ….

We are going set dates
request contributions
say that we all do things differently so that we don't have to do things with n groups all the time so that all different needs / temperaments met

a cooking rota so that all get days off

lunches will just provide
bread / cheese/ etc .

mention col and that we all need to chip in

.

That sounds good.

Original poster
Notoldeeally · 09/12/2023 19:37

they will be here 7 day s but things will be more chilled for all now and we can actually enjoy each other’s company with all proples needs met

OP posts:
BritneyBookClubPresident · 09/12/2023 23:27

Notoldeeally · 08/12/2023 10:15

There is a thing that they do when they come is they have a bath together . Prob for intimacy. But i feel embarrassed.

@Notoldeeally that is so weird of them!

BritneyBookClubPresident · 09/12/2023 23:28

Notoldeeally · 09/12/2023 19:37

they will be here 7 day s but things will be more chilled for all now and we can actually enjoy each other’s company with all proples needs met

OP gave you offered the 7 days yet? Why not suggest back of 5 days instead and see if it a success in terms of changed behaviour?

Catsfrontbum · 10/12/2023 09:47

op them having a bath together in your home is off! I cannot believe they do this!! 🤮

Original poster
Notoldeeally · 10/12/2023 09:54

BritneyBookClubPresident they suggested that they had the option to stay from 22 nd. Dec to just beyond the newyear.. which would be 12 days. I said the 7 as a compromise and its ok as they are contrbuting and its the first time I have said no to both ends of Christmas and New Year . Which is good .😀

OP posts:
Original poster
Notoldeeally · 10/12/2023 09:56

Catsfrontbum. Know I felt mortified . However of course they are having sex etc .. its just really odd to me . Like one poster said . I should have one with dh . ( not) !

OP posts: