To ask for help regarding family Christmas things .. need thoughts!

[Notoldeeally]

So we have an issue about christmas!
last year we had a stressful time as we did not know when our adult dd s were leaving .. ( with partners) .. they ended up staying 10 days.

Now , i know they are our kids but its not the same when they bring partners .

We live in a modest 3 bed .

We are in our 60 s .. retired professionals with limited income . No state pension yet.

There are two issues

1. lenght of stay .Dd is always reluctant to make firm plans . She likes to think this is still her home and as such can stay as long as she wants. At christmas last year she would not say how long she wanted to stay , just saying oh I might want the new year here too . we found 10 days just too long , especially as partner with her.How to limit the lenght of stay. I was thinking 6 nights not ten this year,but this would mean them not being here for new year.. and they always want to be here for that too. They live a 4 hour drive away.. so want to stay for duration . We live in a seaside town and alternative accommodation like a house nearby would be great but its v v expensive.
2. activities ! When we are just watching tv or reading she says .. so what are we doing next .. i tell her oh we dont have to do anything, lets just chill .. but she seems to need structure .. so can we olay a game tonight , can we all watch a film.. ten nights of organised nights( as well as an organised thing like a walk for us all) exhausted us and we domt want to do it again. We repeatedly said games some nights but chill others , but she seems to have a fixation that we all need to be doing together!! Most if the time. She gets angry if we suggest otherwise.she seems to think us having a bit of soace is an insult to her , when it isnt .. she says things like well we should make the most of our time.how to tell her in a way she can hear???? Last Christmas was so exhausting and ended up with dh really really tense. we want to change it this year by being proactive and gently firm .. but we know dd will most likely be upset at this and also that there is a time limit as she thinks the oarental home is always open …and i get why she thinks that but we cant be that exhausted again. Any tips on how to say things much appreciated( I just know if we time limit she will say .. but if we only stay … so long.. what about new year.. i want to be here at new year too) I know we dont sound assertive but we dont want upset dd .. with our ds he takes time out goes for walks .. allows a bit of breathing soace.. with dd not so and its just how she is and has been since she was small .

lilsupersparks that sounds a perfect plan .. but they would jot do it as id be directing them and they would say but wht dont you want to come too.
the plan you made has really helped tho as it’s clearly balanced and that is really helpful.

Alao the poster that said this is the year that we need to save for a holiday was amazing ! Because its true , we would like a holiday . Paying entirely for Christmas was the cost of a city break in england and i think they would understand the desire for a holiday .. so that is an exellent point . I really domt want to be mean as they do travel to come. But for context bf is on a higher wage than us as ex professionals were when we left .

It's not mean to expect them to contribute financially and practically to the cost of hosting Christmas for 10 days.

The cost of petrol to travel probably equates to 1 meal with wine.

BTW anyone who voted yabu didn't read your updates about their behaviour. They are outrageous.

You'd be doing her a favour to have a frank, open chat about it. She's certainly not shy about telling you what she wants.

"But for context bf is on a higher wage than us as ex professionals were when we left ."

But he won't pay for a round of drinks!

They are imposing on you. At their age, they could be volunteering to help the homeless - not being waited on hand and foot by mum and dad for 10 days, not chipping in with expenses and expecting to be entertained all day.

Also if there are any trips out say to them the cost per person is £xxx is that ok do you want to pay that?

And just keep saying you are having a much more frugal Christmas as you found last year's very expensive and you've had to cut back during the year to make up for it and don't want to overspend this year. Stress that they are free to do what ever they want on their own eg pub visits, days out, fish and chips but you won't be participating!

Group Christmas WhatsApp needed!
While you're setting the expectations for length of stay, set all the expectations.
Go on the positive front foot, suggesting sharing cooking once or twice per 'family', evening activities or games every other night.
Request that each couple brings items to contribute to Christmas. Wine/beer, chocolate, snacks, deserts etc! Don't be shy, this is how families actually operate- they share the load, willingly, cheerfully. It's not a hotel service you put on. Meal prep and clear up should also be shared, then you have time to get to know future SiL etc in a more meaningful way than a coffee out. Tell your dd, it's so you can truly be family.

@Notoldeeally

Your daughter and her boyfriend are both adults. Each of them bring in a wage they have to work for. Both, when they're not with you, have to pay their own way including buying their own food. They know life is not free - except, apparently, when it's with you. They're also not toddlers who need entertaining all day and should be able to give you some peace whilst you and your husband take things calmer and in your own time.

They should not need any of this pointing out because they are adults but yes, you will need to spell all this out to them clearly, however kindly, because it's making you uncomfortable and is costing you more financially than you can afford. Tell them, in an email, quickly as the days are racing towards the Christmas break. Set those boundaries as mentioned above and be very clear about their arrival and departure dates whilst you're about it. Yes they may well be upset but that's a consequence of their entitled behaviour and lack of sensitivity around you. Its also something adults need to learn how to cope with in life. I hope you have a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas OP. 🌹

OP with your every post she (and he) sound worse. I think you're going to have to upset her - easier said than done, I know. But it doesn't sound like she's coming because she loves to see her parents. It's more she wants a (long) free holiday, with food, entertainment and all expenses paid thrown in.

The line which tipped me over the edge was when you said she got cross when you were late serving Christmas dinner. Who - in the real world - ever gets the dinner on the table exactly on time. And if she's done three fifths of five eighths of sod all towards it she can go whistle.

She clearly doesn't give two hoots about what anyone else wants, it all has to be done to suit her. To put it bluntly, she's selfish and feels entitled. Time to tell her that there are other people in the world besides her and that they have just as much right to have their needs and wants considered as she does. And if (when) she gets huffy calmly tell her that's how it's going to be this year. Give her examples of how you expect her to behave and what you expect her/them to do or contribute. If she takes it badly, so be it. She doesn't get to spend your money, eat your food (and a lot of it), demand your time and then spend the time complaining. Christmas shouldn't put this much stress on you.

I would not be one bit happy that the rude, freeloading boyfriend was part of the package.

DD sounds immature. She has a partner and her own home, presumably a job? So she has an independent life. Yet she still expects to come “home” for as long as she wants, have mum cook for her, and be entertained. I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable to set some boundaries. It isn’t as if you’re telling her she’s unwelcome in your home. But she should be accepting that now she’s an adult with a home of her own, she and her partner are your guests. It’s the host who gets to invite them for a period of the host’s choosing, and the host doesn’t have to do everything the guests want.

OP has said that the DD and her boyfriend work in professional jobs and the boyfriend is on a higher salary than OP and her husband were on before they retired.

I must say with every post of yours it just sounds worse and worse. I think you just have to upset her by telling how things are going to be this year. Take charge of your Xmas holidays now or it will never change.

I think it’s a bit unfair to make the op feel bad for not liking her daughter, when frankly her daughter appears to be a bit of a bully!

It’s not sad to dislike a bully! It’s completely appropriate imho!

Sorry but some adult children do grow up to be bullies! It’s not always parents who are in the wrong! (Although to read Mumsnet, you’d think that most mothers were nearly always in the wrong!)

I know a 32 year old woman who demeans and bullies her 70 something mother horribly! I don’t think she realises she is doing it! And her mother is too nice to say anything as they only visit on high days and holidays.

Cone on, who gets cross with their mother when Christmas lunch is late? The appropriate response would be to pitch in if you weren’t doing so already. It’s cheeky, entitled and rude to complain.

Youv received some good suggestions op.
Now it's time to formulate a plan.Dont be pinned down to buying all the drinks in the pub. Dds boyfriend sounds a right scrounging arsehole and bad mannered .
You could either say that he can come for s couple of days...as a couple they can stay until the 27th,,,
Make up an excuse to be going somewhere, and for goodness sake dont let your daughter bully you into constant activity

@Notoldeeally
Please update us on the latest

OP, you need to take control of this situation. It's one thing her thinking of it as her home and staying as long as she likes (which I'd never discourage) but quite another expecting you to be a combination of household staff and entertainment. Not to mention straining your finances. You need to talk, but my advice is to not make the focus cutting short the visit (you will hurt her if you do that) but how the visit will pan out. So, some nights there will be no games/activities. Some nights they need to cook as its tiring for you otherwise. When out they need to pay their way as you can't afford it otherwise and so on. Hopefully she is just being thoughtless rather than deliberately taking advantage and will understand.

It was a six hour drive to my parents, which we would quite happily do for three days there, or so. 10 days and either they'd have killed us, or we'd have killed them.

She's 24. She is not a baby. Unfortunately, she seems to have missed the memo that with adulthood, comes responsibilities, as well as freedoms. And that other people have a right to their free time, and to use it as they wish, also.

Also, that as a guest, you turn up when expected, you leave when agreed, you pitch in and help, and you bloody well contribute, you don't sit on your chuff like you're still in your fricking high chair, opening your beak and expecting choice morsels to be placed in it upon demand! Let alone with your even more demanding and churlish partner.

You're going to have to be very clear.

You want to be beside the seaside? The seaside is offered to you and your partner from this date, upon which we'd love to see you, to this date, upon which we have made other plans, and need you to be gone.

Everyone is going to be responsible for making this time together enjoyable.

Would you like to bring the turkey, or the Christmas pudding? We will divvy up the prep work between the four of us on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and everyone is expected to pitch in.

The cook is the person that sets the meal times.
If we go to the pub, everyone is expected to buy a round, or we can all buy our own.
The menu plan is
Christmas Eve:
Christmas Day:
Boxing Day:
Next Day:
Next Day:

If any of this is unsatisfactory to you, feel free to either shop and cook for something different (we'd love to try your meals!), or to go out yourself.

If we go out for a meal, we either all pay for our own, or split the bill half and half.

If planning to drink, please make sure you remember to bring a reasonable sufficiency as your contribution.

Every second night is a sort yourself out night when it comes to entertainment. Some of us like to read, some of us like to play games, some of us like to watch TV, and we're not necessarily all going to want to do the same thing at the same time. Adults are expected to be able to deal with this and entertain themselves without other peoples' input, if necessary.

Okay, this is brutal, but I rather get the feeling that your daughter has the entitlement of a mammoth, and the hide of a rhinoceros. And her partner, even more so.

I suggested it as she’s acting like a child.

OP, what was the family dynamic when your DD was a child/teenager? Has she always expected you to give her your full attention and be constantly doing things with her? I just find it bizarre that a woman of 24 can't amuse herself for a few hours.

Agree it’s bizarre behaviour. Maybe there’s something wrong with the relationship between the dd and the bf if they don’t want to go out and be alone together for at least some of the time?

Thank you all . Some great suggestions. Mistly its given me permission to take myself off and rest / do what I want to do ( domt like games at all.
also it has made it clear that although we ate the hosts we are not the onky ones that should be maintaining the house. We need v v clear expectations as last year we asked dd bf to fo a job and he said ill donit later but didnt do it so we need to be insistent with A famiky chat prior to arrival .
also abouyt contributing

the only issue in my mind is that ds onlt wants ro stay longer . He is a n easy guest and cooks etc but i cant let one adult child stay and not the other!
thanks so much , I had felt
over whelmed !!!

MeanWeedratStew dd never wanted to be alone when little . She used to hold into my leg as I
crossed the room . As a child she rarely watched tv alone for a while I made food.
as a teen i A significant part of the weekend with her due to her hobby .
i think thats when she started to dominate a bit as it was competitive and i had to get this and that as she couldn’t .

She has never had a wide group of friendships
she has tended to have one bf .. but preferably bf from young age .

therw is a clear pattern that she would ring from uni for company while she out her make up on or watch a film together at the same time on the phone .
two bf have confided in me that at times they felt suffocated .

when.bf goes away she now is fine and even enjoys it tho .

I am not neuro typical and although I worked part time when they were little , I worry that I’ve helped her to feel insecure because i have always struggled to concentrate and i think she was aware that sometimes i struggle to focus / listen .
she seems angry at me very quickly but wants to be with us a lot .

There is a thing that they do when they come is they have a bath together . Prob for intimacy. But i feel embarrassed.

Can people quit it with the “get a grip,” BS?

Yes, it’s her ADULT DD, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be tiring being expected to play host to two people for ten days at a time. Especially when it seems like her DD expects to be able to monopolise all the time when she’s there and uses her emotions to manipulate it so she gets her way.

Believe it or not, some people have different energy levels. Some people are also introverts and don’t want to have to be on and entertaining people for ten day stretches.

Id be exhausted and I’m in my thirties. OP, I think you have to be honest and either say that she can’t stay for the full duration as it’s too much or stipulate that if she does stay, they have to learn to occupy themselves some nights. She doesn’t get to dictate how you all spend your time every day and night. She’s an adult. Surely her and her partner want and are able to entertain themselves for a bit?