Not wanting to spend this much on sons GF

[BeforeNew]

DS2 is 21, he has been with his girlfriend a little over a year. We like to keep Christmas budget pretty strict, we could spend more I just hate how consumerist it has become.
My budgets are set in stone really varying between £25 and £200 depending who it is.
Usually for the partners of our kids (we have 5) who aren't with us on Christmas Day we spend between £50 and £100.
I asked DS what I should get for his GF and he sent a link for a perfume costing more than £200.
I'm gobsmacked, we aren't struggling and I do have the money to buy the perfume comfortably but we don't ever spend that much at Christmas.
I called him and said WTF basically and he told me that he'd transfer the difference but she probably wouldn't want anything else!?!

He also told me that for her and her 5 closest friends they are spending around £200 on each person?!!

She's from a very wealthy family (dad is managing partner of a Swiss private bank type wealthy), but this is insane right?!!
AIBU saying I won't spend this much even if my son transfers the difference?!

Two thoughts: you are being s bit snotty about gift giving,
BUT
your DD is being unreasonable. HE should be buying her perfume, not you.

Does your son have a job? He clearly has no concept of the value of money.

That is a ridiculous amount of money. My in-laws spend around £20-30 on me, which I’m very grateful for. We’ve been married for 14 years and together for over 20, but I absolutely do not expect them to spend more even though they are very well off. They always get choose a lovely gift. No need to spend £200.

Buy her a travel/sample-sizedversion, if it’s within budget.

Do you think his GF will buy you something wildly expensive and you'll end up feeling awkward at the difference? Not suggesting you should buy perfume BTW but just wondered if this will become an issue?

20+ years here and im lucky if I get a tenner spent on me - and they are wealthy 😅

That's mad!

Because if she does become a permanent part of the family, the precedent has been set that she gets £200 gifts from his parents

No, obviously, because they're putting in the amount they're putting in, and her partner is paying the rest- it's not all from them.

But a year isn't long to be spending £100 on a child's GF even (unless you're really minted.)

You have 5 kids. If you spent that much on all the partners that would be a grand on people you're not even related to. Ridiculous

I'm going to agree that you need to pull your son up on this. You asked for ideas, and he came up with a single, overpriced, inappropriate gift. He has to suggest something else, not necessarily an item, but an idea or theme for you to work with, or you just use your own imagination.

She sounds like a nice girl, with an appreciation for the cosy and sentimental and an interest in food and travel. I think that should be enough to go on tbh.

The smaller bottle of perfume as people have suggested would be a nice touch but so would a nice hamper (Betty's? Is there a particular type of food she likes? You have eaten with her a few times and have access to her Insta), personalised travel stuff (Not on the High Street or Etsy) or fluffy socks and lounge wear. Surely everybody would appreciate a book token?

I think you need to be careful to set a precedent here. You are happy to get her a nice, thoughtful gift that isn't 'tat' in line with your own values, but aren't willing to contribute to performative extravagance. And tell your son that!

I was bought cashmere socks one Christmas which I absolutely love.

I'd definitely consider an outfit or two for the bear, maybe in addition if you can squeeze it out the budget?

A different perspective - your son may know that his partner’s parents are spending a lot on him. A good partner would know it’s not about what they spend, so he shouldn’t feel he has to make it up to her by expecting you to spend more and him transfer you the difference. Maybe he feels insecure that his partner is from a vastly wealthy background and worries she may leave him if he can’t provide the same. That’s not your problem though.

I know I feel really bad that my parents only spend max £20 on my partner only for Christmas, nothing for birthdays. His parents spend £50-£100 on me for both Christmas and birthdays. He understands my parents are just not as generous, even though present themselves as wealthier than my partners parents (I doubt they actually are).

Is there a body lotion or shower gel to match the perfume you could get instead?
No way would I spend that amount on perfume for anyone let alone my son's girlfriend!

I was about to say the same!

Surely they do a matching 'thing' like a body spray, scented candle in those scents that is cheaper.

My in-laws asked for my favourite perfume name last year. It's a pretty cheap one, you can get a 50ml bottle for about £20 when it's on offer. Mil decided that wasn't expensive enough and bought a very expensive perfume instead that cost about £100. I was horrified that she'd spent so much. And that is after 15 years & married.
I think £200 is a ridiculous amount especially for a gf of about 1 year standing.

@BeforeNew out of interest, what is your objection to splitting the cost of the perfume with your son? Ie, you spend your budget and he pays the difference? At least that way she will definitely use and enjoy it.

Saying that, my mum buys my wife a graphic novel every Christmas and birthday, and my wife buys her flowers- so I think your budget is generous.

It matters because it’s affirming what sounds like a pretty uneven relationship. She’s not visited OP’s house of course you don’t spend £200 on a relative stranger

I'd just send him a laughing emoji and leave it at that.

My son’s wife is from a very wealthy (and lovely) family. My usual budget for her Christmas present is $100 (so £50), DS gets more expensive presents from her family and overseas holidays, we all buy according to our means and nobody gets upset. I would be concerned at your son feeling the need to “keep up”.

Because then she thinks his parents have spent £200 on her and so next time it's Christmas or her birthday she will expect the same.

YANBU

It's bad manners to ask for something that expensive from people you haven't known long, wealthy or not. I've been with my husband for a good 11+ years and wouldn't ask my inlaws for a £200 perfume!

Spend what you're comfortable spending and leave it at that. Twelve months is not a long relationship, and it sounds like your son is already feeling a bit insecure and out of step.

It sucks but he will learn eventually that buying stuff won't make you more compatible with someone from a wealthier background in the long run. Easy for me to say as an old bag, not so much when you're 21 and don't have that life experience under your belt.

Off topic, but this sounds like an INCREDIBLE present haul… excellent work

£200 is a lot, personally I wouldn't spend it on a child's partner.
However in the context of coming from a wealthy family £200 may well be the equivalent of £25 for people who are less well off/ on minimum wage.
So I guess it's all proportionate to your income/ wealth.

I think your budget sounds reasonable.

I would be inclined to just get the perfume and have son pay the difference if he is massively in love with her.

If she is from this sort of background then that amount may be typical and doing other wise might put a spanner in the works of your son’s relationship.

If you only have to shell out at her birthday and Christmas, and she stays with DS and they make a go of it… it’s a small price to pay for his happiness, and indeed his security and enjoyment of life.