Found out DS taken out insurance in my name, and defaulting on payment

[Snowyscapes]

DS aged 21, doesn't live at home. He has debt issues through over spending. I paid off significant credit card debt for him earlier this year on the basis he was living back home, earning good wage, and would pay back lump sum each month. He instead moved out, has taken on a high rent flat, and paid nothing back. He has written off 2 cars this year and I presume on his latest car (which he took out on finance in oct) he has been unable to get insurance or it was very high. Anyway, over last week I have had letters from insurance company addressed to me saying I have defaulted on payment. Thought it was their error at first as didn't recognise number plate, but then dawned on me it is his car. I absolutely cannot believe he has done this. Which I presume is fraud. DS appears to be currently going no contact with me, I cannot get hold of him last few weeks. His phone contract is cut as I was paying his bill for 3 years and he wasn't paying me back (he was on good wage no living costs), so I can't phone him. I don't know his new address. Whatsapp messages are being delivered, but unread. Whatsapp calls, some declined or unanswered. I have really good credit rating which I need to maintain. Me knowing he is fraudulently using my name and doing nothing about it could have professional repercussions for me. I wanted to give it a week and tell him unless he cancels the policy immediately that I will phone them myself and tell them. But I can't tell him this if he is not reading messages and just had another default letter through.

If I contact the insurance co and say it is not me, firstly he could be done for fraud, and he could become uninsurable, which would mean no way getting to work and could lose his job. I worry about if this happens him taking his life, which he has never stated to me, or shown indications of, but its something I always worry about as sadly I see it far too regularly through my work.

So if I contact insurer and tell them I know nothing of policy and its not mine
AIBU?

Check your credit report.

He may have taken out more insurance when this one defaulted.

I'd wonder what else he has taken out in your name. You might have more debt that you don't know about.

My son in law's parents did what you are doing, covering up and throwing money at the situation. My DD has stuck with him but it's taken until he was 34+ for him to sort himself out, because mummy and daddy would bail him out. They did him no favours. Do what you have to do, report it and let him face the consequences and he's got time to recover his life, his credit rating and enough time to pass that convictions etc won't matter. Bail him out again and he could end up killing himself or someone else with his recklessness.

Saying No to him won't make him suicidal.

Have you considered that you are not such a powerful a figure in his life as to shape or dictate his choices about if he lives or dies?

Maybe you are just a Mam with plenty of money.

He's more focused on generating money to live the lifestyle he wants than pleasing or not pleasing you.

Can you tolerate him being angry or annoyed with you?

And here we have the reason why so many young adults think they can do what they like with no consequences. Oh they are so young, must not have anything stressful, etc, etc.

At 21 I had already been married for two years.

OP I understand your feelings about your son and how worried you must be but the time has come for some tough love. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

You’ve done all you possibly can OP. Notifying the insurance company is the only thing you can do.

Being cushioned from the repercussions of his actions is causing his behaviour to escalate.

I would notify the insurance company immediately. There's nothing else you can do.
Your DS has shown he can't be trusted so no amount of tracking him down and trying to persuade him to do the right thing will work.
Of course there will be consequences for him when the insurance company find out he committed fraud but he has to face those consequences.
Also, he's already written off two cars so it's only a matter of time before that happens again or even worse, he kills someone. The best thing is for him not to be allowed to drive because he's dangerous.

OP - could you contact his GF?

I really feel for you, and don’t know why some other posters are being so arsy with you. It’s a horrible situation but there’s nothing you can do except drop him in it. What a fool he’s being.

He is a danger to himself and others. He is a liar. He is refusing even to speak to the Op. There's no middle ground here.

ONLY 21! F*ck me! At what age do people grow up these days? At 21 I had a good job, was in a stable relationship, put my first deposit on a house and was financially planning for my best future. OP’s son is a fully grown adult by any stretch of the imagination.

I agree with PP’s, OP is now aware of the potential fraud and could be implicated.

OP you need to do whatever’s necessary to extricate yourself from this to save your reputation, job, etc. However difficult it is to accept, he has put you in this position and doesn’t care how this could affect your life. Ignoring your calls and leaving you to deal with the fall out is unforgivable. I couldn’t imagine a world in which I would have done this to my parents. Time for tough love!

And he committed fraud, so he's already in trouble. That ship has sailed.

I genuinely don't understand the "he's only 21" posts. And yes I have been the parent of a 21 year old. There's a vast difference between immaturity due to age and illegal, immoral decisions and actions.

Report this to the insurance and the police. He’s an adult and therefore responsible for his own choices. Don’t get your reputation ruined by his illegal actions.

If you misguidedly try to protect him from his actions this time OP, what will it be next?

However difficult it is to accept, he has put you in this position and doesn’t care how this could affect your life. Ignoring your calls and leaving you to deal with the fall out is unforgivable.

His behaviour shows that he doesn't give a shit about you. You need to protect yourself. Sorry OP it must be heartbreaking.

I genuinely don't understand the "he's only 21" posts. And yes I have been the parent of a 21 year old. There's a vast difference between immaturity due to age and illegal, immoral decisions and actions.

Neither do I. I get that 21 is young and that some guidance from adults is still essential but at that age you should know that if you screw up, you have to take the consequences and not expect mummy and daddy to bail you out (and it sounds like the OP's S has screwed up a hell of a lot without ever having to take the consequences!).

I think your worry is understandably in overdrive - this could be the kick up arse he needs to sort his spending out.

I do think you have no choice but to ring insurance company - but I would check on-line that number on letter it legit and then do TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment five points plan.

Have you checked the letter isn’t a scam ?? Have had emails like this which have ignored as clearly are.
DO NOT call the telephone number on the letter - make sure you get the insurers number from their website.

He has to face what he has done, and go through the consequences of being an entitled idiot. If you don't report him, he will learn nothing and continue this behaviour. If he is on a path to self destruction, this will not make him take his own life, but may prevent him from something more terrible down the line.

YANBU. Contact the insurance company and tell them you did not take out the insurance.

I understand your fears but if you let this go he will continue doing things like this because it seems in his head -Mum will sort it for me.

His actions have consequences and he’s unlikely to learn from his mistakes until he feels the full force of them. You’re doing the right thing, however difficult I am sure it is for you.

its fraud plain and simple and if you dont report it youre complicit so in turn you wont gt insurance or worse go to court

You need to contact the insurance company. Sounds like he needs to learn his lesson, you’ve offered him help and this is how he repays you.

I know someone who did this. The problems just escalated. The parent who 'helped' almost lost their house.

Far better for him to face the consequences right now while he is young enough to put them behind him.