Found out DS taken out insurance in my name, and defaulting on payment

[Snowyscapes]

DS aged 21, doesn't live at home. He has debt issues through over spending. I paid off significant credit card debt for him earlier this year on the basis he was living back home, earning good wage, and would pay back lump sum each month. He instead moved out, has taken on a high rent flat, and paid nothing back. He has written off 2 cars this year and I presume on his latest car (which he took out on finance in oct) he has been unable to get insurance or it was very high. Anyway, over last week I have had letters from insurance company addressed to me saying I have defaulted on payment. Thought it was their error at first as didn't recognise number plate, but then dawned on me it is his car. I absolutely cannot believe he has done this. Which I presume is fraud. DS appears to be currently going no contact with me, I cannot get hold of him last few weeks. His phone contract is cut as I was paying his bill for 3 years and he wasn't paying me back (he was on good wage no living costs), so I can't phone him. I don't know his new address. Whatsapp messages are being delivered, but unread. Whatsapp calls, some declined or unanswered. I have really good credit rating which I need to maintain. Me knowing he is fraudulently using my name and doing nothing about it could have professional repercussions for me. I wanted to give it a week and tell him unless he cancels the policy immediately that I will phone them myself and tell them. But I can't tell him this if he is not reading messages and just had another default letter through.

If I contact the insurance co and say it is not me, firstly he could be done for fraud, and he could become uninsurable, which would mean no way getting to work and could lose his job. I worry about if this happens him taking his life, which he has never stated to me, or shown indications of, but its something I always worry about as sadly I see it far too regularly through my work.

So if I contact insurer and tell them I know nothing of policy and its not mine
AIBU?

Just ring the insurance company, tell them there is an error occured- you havent taken out insurance. Ask them, if they'll tell you, the name/number on the bank card-that will prob be yours as well. Who has someone of a different name paying their insurance? the insured name, and the name on the bank card should surely be the same?

Let them deal with the fall out/cancel the policy/whatever.

if sonny Jim gets in touch over it, tell him just that- you hadn't and never dreamed he'd do such a thing, so assumed it was an error

I helped my son out on plenty of occasions with his car insurance after his many crashes. More fool me. Eventually he wrote the car off drink-driving and had to wait 3 years before he could buy and insure another (without any input from me). My fault as much as his for enabling his stupidity and not making him take more responsibility. He's 23 now and a lot wiser, having learned the hard way.

I know it's hard but you're going to be affected by this too, and your DS doesn't seem to appreciate how much it will affect you. Or maybe he does and that's why he's gone NC. So I'd ring the insurance company. I know he's 21, but there's no other way he will face up to the consequences of his actions. He won't allow you to contact him even to help him, so sadly I don't think you have any other option.

Bit it ok if ur son takes someone elses life droves woth out insurance commits fraud amongst othervthings long ss he is alive lol

There's also any driving offences he's committed and parking fines during the time - they'll all be sent to you, especially if he has also registered the car in your name (or hasn't registered it at all, as the existence of a policy in your name means you're expected to be the driver).

He is really acting cruelly. You cleared his debts which was really generous - and I know many parents do this. You gave him a roof over his head to save up money to sort himself out and pay you back. He chose not to live at home - even though at his age many do. He has chosen to rent high cost and to keep having cars. Up to this point, I think you have done what many parents do to help their child and try to help them correct their mistakes. From experience, someone I know did lent a lot of money to their son and then their son moved out and never paid off the debt. However, a few years later the mum was using a food bank and the son then paid it back a small loan (about 10% of what she had given him over the years). However, he actually could have afforded to give it all back - and has been very lucky his mum hasn't kept record so didn't ask for earlier debts as her memory is going. So I don't think what he did to that point was right but I think sadly it is common. But what he has done now is not ok in any sense of the word. I know you want to protect him - very natural. But your son is not protecting you and showing you no love. He is doing a criminal thing here, he didn't phone and ask you for help. He didn't tell you this was an issue. He is causing you damage with no care. If he couldn't be insured, he could have got a taxi or a bus or a bike. What he has done is commit fraud and wreck your credit rating and threaten your job, without a care. If you don't stop this now, this will get worse. Is this a behaviour you want to teach him is ok. I would try again to contact him and ask friends/work place. But he knows he has done wrong or he would be talking to you. I think contacting the insurers and saying it isn't you (you don't have to say you know who it is), is the next thing to do if you can't contact him. You want to protect your son, you want to believe the best in him, but your son is acting really horribly here - this is basically financial abuse and you don't want him to think this is ok as if he can do this to you then goodness knows what he will do next.

I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. It must be breaking your heart. Mine goes out to you. We have such a strong urge to protect our children, to make sure that they don't face irreversible consequences in their lives until they are mature enough to understand the course that they are taking.

But your son is out of control. If he has written off 2 cars and potentially a third, he is a danger to himself and those around you. It is hopefully unlikely that he will commit suicide - at this point, I would be more worried about him killing himself or someone else around him, potentially a child, through his reckless driving. The priority needs to be to get him off the road, and you can worry about his mental health and employment prospects later. And yes, that might unfortunately involve him facing some unpalatable consequences from the way he is behaving but at least no one has been killed or seriously injured so far.

With actions come consequences

He's an adult albeit a young one, but he needs to learn pronto. What happens if he hurts someone never mind himself; he's already written off 2 cars already? He sounds like a complete liability.

I’d ring the insurer and get your son done for fraud.

Youve been more than lenient in terms of helping him pay off debt and get his life back on track again and he’s thrown it back in your face.

As horrible as it is to report your own son for fraud your current tactics to get him back on track haven’t worked and maybe going down the official route for something will give him the kick up his arse he needs.

All of the "he's only 21" comments are killing me 😂

My heart goes out to you, what a difficult situation to be in. I really hope it works out ok in the end. He won't be the first young person to be reckless and take risks but it sounds like he's not thinking through the impact it has already had on others - and could potentially have drastic consequences for him and others in future as well. Sounds like you now know the right thing to do - good luck.

There no drink drugs issues thst he tells you about and u swallow his every story hook line sinker and make his behaviour acceptable as he can do no wrong

Whose name is the car registered to?

You cannot take out car insurance on someone else's name?

Because it is you that is insured not the car.
So I don't get that bit.

He’s a danger to others, so on that basis this needs reporting.

Then get hold of your credit files from all three agencies and check for any other debts. You can also disassociate yourself from him so they don’t connect you financially. And I think you can add alerts if anyone tries to add more credit in your name.

The bigger picture suggests he will be homeless very soon. Perhaps CAB or Shelter help him straighten out his finances/debts and look at housing options.

People defending him are idiots.
You have to tell the insurance company. Frankly if he ends up in prison it might give him a kick up the arse

I just also want to send a massive hug - this must be heart breaking for you and not something you could consider him doing. I am so sorry this has happened.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It must have been an awful shock to find out he's done thus. Sickening.

Unfortunately you have no other option than to inform the insurance company. If you don't, then you are complicit in fraud and could have action taken against you personally.

I would also recommend you inform the police, but that's up to you.

I know you are worried about him, but these actions that he us taking aren't typical of someone who is likely to hurt himself. Unless he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, what he is doing is utterly self-serving with a high degree of self preservation regardless of the risk to others.

Lots of young people do truly awful things like this at this age. It doesn't mean that a few years down the line he won't have sorted himself out to become a decent, law-abiding man. Brain development can take until the age of 25 or 26 to fully realise a conscience and sensible behaviour.

In the meantime, he does need to be called up on his actions and prevented from potentially disastrous consequences. What if he killed someone with his driving? You would never forgive yourself for enabling it. Do the right thing and hopefully in a few years time, you'll have a repentant and grateful son who appreciates and respects you.

Look after yourself x

I really fear for his future. A young person I had worked with earlier this year took their life last week, so I'm particularly raw and anxious

That's very sad about the person who took their life but you can’t keep using it makes me anxious/he might do the same/he might be unhappy as a reason to mollycoddle him forever. He’s committed fraud, which is a crime. On top of which, he’s clearly behaving like an arsehole so for heaven’s sake make him face the consequences of his actions. It’s what parents are supposed to do.

If nothing else, you know about the fraud now so you’re obliged to report it otherwise you’re complicit.

Bit it ok she is going to tell the judge he is only 21 and didnt mean it also he is to young to face the consequences of murderong someone with her help the judge is obviously going to be swayed by mum n let him go lol

He acts like this because every time he has made poor financial decisions you’ve bailed him out. He has thrown that in your face and has now defrauded you (whilst going no contact 🙄)

Please use tough love. These are the kinds of men that go out and treat their partners terribly because they’ve been enabled their whole life.

His behaviour needs to change and reporting it is the first step.

Send a Whatsapp to your son saying 'insurance cancelled you can't legally drive'
Then cut him off completely financially. Tell him it's sink or swim time and you're out. I agree it's fraud and you need advice on how to protect yourself. Cancel the insurance, but find out if you pay the outstanding if that makes you liable in anyway. At this point you can't keep enabling him. Phone a solicitor today.

Get some legal advice.

I wonder how he used your name on the insurance. Has he added himself as an additional driver? Is this because of his crashes?

@Snowyscapes use this link to check the status of the insurance to ensure the letters/contact are not a scam

https://www.mib.org.uk/managing-insurance-data/the-motor-insurance-database-mid/public-access/

Assuming it is what you fear, you need to protect yourself as others have pointed out. I know you have a heightened sense of fear given what has happened at work, but this cannot mean you give consent for your son to treat you like this. I have a close friend whose Son threatened suicide after pretty much doing what you describe and each incident got steadily worse. Sadly at the root of it all was a a huge drug habit (because he’d had too much disposable income and was never saving) and sense of entitlement to a millionaire’s instagram lifestyle which is (Still) way beyond his means. And now he is a Father. And it the demands for money still continue, the drug habit has not lessened and my friend is still paying for it all.

It won’t ever stop until you put a stop to it.

This. You're complicit if you don't. 21 is plenty old enough to know what he's doing.

You saying he’s probably gone on a holiday with his GF is even worse. He is prioritising fun things over essentials, he can find the money for a holiday but not to pay insurance. He may be seeing the messages anyway but has read receipts turned off. Realistically he is avoiding you because he knows you have found out. I wouldn’t wait until 4 he’s not going to contact you.