To think children should have their mothers surname

[Laurendelaney1987]

if the parents are not married. You did the hard work! Why the fuck should the child carry his name?

My DD has my DPs surname. I regret it and can’t think why or how that happened.

We are 25+ years together. No ambition by me to be married; I am a high earner with assets in my own right and very independent in every way. We didn’t discuss it beforehand and in the midst of post baby fog and registering the birth it just happened. I don’t at all feel cajoled into the decision, just that I didn’t think it through enough before. Wish I had.

Even if they are married. Women should not change their surnames if they choose to marry. How can so many women bear to lose their own identities in favour of being subsumed by the husband's?

Oh do get over yourself. My identity is nothing to do with my surname and I certainly wanted to distance myself from my alcoholic abusive father as much as possible. But then nor did I want my mothers name since she walked out on us all and left us (all under 10) with said father anyway.

Women are free to decide what name they want themselves and their children to use. Just because they don't choose the same as you doesn't mean they are weak and subservient.

Have you got kids?
Who could have carried on the name that your DBro has?

Anyone can do what they like, I’m not exactly proposing to stop them.

Sure. My sisters daughter has her name as she wasn't married to the father. My children have my husband's name which I took when I married him. I thought the majority of children born to unmarried mothers took their name?

No no kids. I changed my name when I got married. Most people did at that time. No other siblings than DB.

That’s assuming that the mother will automatically change her name once married though.

Maybe the man should change his name or both may want to keep their own names.

Yes I agree. I changed my name when I got married so we all have the same surname. But if we weren’t married DS would have my surname. I would never want to have a different surname to my children.

My dcs have their father's Western surname. No way are they going to be subject to the racism I've had to put up with because of having a clearly ethnic surname. We are married, but I chose to keep my name as I haven't shared news of my marriage widely.

No way are they going to be subject to the racism I've had to put up with because of having a clearly ethnic surname.

Can I ask what sort of thing you mean? Not questioning your experience at all, just interested. I have a longish, very west African last name and I can’t say it’s ever hindered me in any way.

I mean in my particular case I think it's because I was raised in a country where no one could pronounce my last name, and then I moved to another one where the way people say my first name is unrecognisable to me. But I do see your point. Perhaps we know on some level that our name most likely will not get passed down without a fight, or perhaps we've been internalised the romantics of changing our name on marriage, and so don't bother getting attached to it in the first place.

In general though, isn't it women who are right? It is just a name. It doesn't change anything about your identity or who you are inside.

a child belongs to its mother.

Exactly. And there is no name in the universe, that either me or my DC could have, that has the power to make that not the case. My DC are mine.

But also a child belongs to their father, and we should not hold the people who we choose to have children with to the lowest behaviour of their sex class. I would not have a child with someone who I thought was going to fuck off and abandon them, so that wouldn't factor into my decision making about the child's name.

Completely disagree. I'm not going to share my reasoning as these days on MN, it seems that people just attack anyone whose opinion doesn't match theirs. But yeah I massively disagree. I believe they should have their father's surname if he's around to sign the birth certificate. Yes, I'm fully aware of the implications

I said give the kid the name, so it's not an argument.

So feminism = do it my way or you are wrong

Icelandic last names would blow your mind.

Yes I completely agree. Had we not been married our DS would absolutely of had my name.

A child belongs to its mother. A child belongs to its mother. A child belongs to its mother

And with that absurd entitlement, Laurendelaney1987 excuses all fathers from childcare. Great work Lauren.

And when they split up they are told they have to pay (and no I am not denying they should not provide for their child) but if the child belongs to the mum then why should the dad pay?

We live in Denmark and my kids are Danish. To make getting an apprenticeship or job easier later in life I gave them English first names and their fathers surname - quite a lot of Danes are xenophobic and/or racist. They are more Danish than British. It works for us. I kept my name when I got married.

Surely children should have whatever surname their parents choose to give them? What has it got to do with you what other people do? I didn't realise there was some law saying what surname a child has, it is chosen by their parents.

I changed my name when I got married, and although we have been separated for over 20 years I kept it. Today someone asked what my name used to be and when I told them they said "that's a funny name". So, I will use my exDH's name for as long as I want to - and it has nothing to do with you, or anyone who tries to tell me what I "should" do as it is far less hassle than my previous name was.

Telling women what they should/shouldn't call themselves, or their children, is far more offensive than women choosing to call themselves by their husband's name, so get over yourself.

Quite frankly it's a bit odd that you have such a high opinion of yourself that you think women should all think the same way as you do, rather than be able to choose to call themselves what they want to.

Is this something you’ll hold over the man for the rest of the life? The fact he can’t physically give birth is not his fault really… my husband does just as much work as me as a parent. My son has his surname and now I do. I’ll name my child whatever I bloody like.

Exactly. If they’re effectively sperm donors, why should they be expected to pay maintenance or contribute financially?