To think children should have their mothers surname

[Laurendelaney1987]

if the parents are not married. You did the hard work! Why the fuck should the child carry his name?

Are you proposing this is made law or do you just want people to agree this is what others should do?

I'm all about choice, so YABU

Even if they are married. Women should not change their surnames if they choose to marry. How can so many women bear to lose their own identities in favour of being subsumed by the husband's?

I think what pisses me off is that in many cases the man insists on it because “it’s traditional” but at the same time won’t marry the mother of his child as it’s “just a piece of paper”… or he says that we’ll get married after the baby arrives and we have more money. In so many cases they end up not getting married and the kid then has a different surname from their mum.

ps I’m married and DD has both surnames

I think making it law would be a bit much if I’m honest with you.

but you should all do as I suggest

Children should have their mother's surname whether the parents are married or not!

but you should all do as I suggest

I will make my own choices.

As mothers are the only constant in the lives of so many children, I do think children should have their mothers surname.

Yanbu. Never understood this.
Go through all the pregnancy, birth, child rearing etc and don't even give them your surname. Just why?
All having the same surname is important imo, and most of these fathers disappear while the children are young.

I gave my DC their dad's last name (not married by chocie). My last name is just not important to me and I didn't really care about "passing it down", but passing on his name was important to DP. We talked about DC having both but I didn't like the sound of it so decided against it. My name, both first and last, has never really felt particularly "me". I felt the bond with my child very strongly from pregnancy, he has always been deeply "mine" - I don't need to share a name with him to feel that connection.

I just refuse to believe that I have done something fundamentally self supressing or anti-feminist. We had the conversation over several months, and for reasons that worked for us, we went with DP's last name.

I agree but I think the entire premise of a woman taking her husband's name because she's married is bonkers in the first place.

It’s a recent thing I find difficult to understand becoming the norm. It’s good to have the choice and make a choice. But I worry that it’s become ubiquitous.

Way back a 70s couple I knew had the boy taking the father’s name and the daughter taking the mother’s. Cool but possibly a bit confusing at school. A family near us have 2 daughters, both used to have their father’s name but one hated it and now has her mum’s.

I prefer my partners surname so gave it to the kids. Goes much better with their first names. My DP didn't insist at all but was really pleased when I suggested it. Took birth certificate and letter when travelling with them on my own. Is a bit of a shame that my family name won't be passed on at all (if my dads many siblings all the men have had daughters who have not passed on the name) but I prefer more having kids names that I like

I agree. I gave my DD her dad's name and we split when she was just over a year old. I could change it now but she's used to it now so of course I won't but I still feel sad she doesn't have my name.
My son got my name, my partner had zero issues with that but if he had I wouldn't have budged. I learnt my lesson.

@therealcookiemonster @M103 @Thepeopleversuswork Surely it should be the woman’s choice either way? I find the tone of your posts fairly judgemental. I hated my maiden name and after some childhood trauma starting a new family unit with DH and taking his name as a fresh start has been great for me. I hate the insinuation I did it because I ‘should’.

Exactly. I won't change my name if I get married, its part of me and I don't want to lose it.

My last name is just not important to me and I didn't really care about "passing it down", but passing on his name was important to DP.

Lots of women feel as you do about their names and most men appear to share your DP’s sentiments about his. Which is obviously fine. However, it might be illuminating to consider why that is.

I never really understood the ‘liking’ or ‘not liking’ of one’s last name. It’s your name. And I’ve almost never encountered a man who disliked his last name - certainly not to the extent that he wanted to give it up.

Anyway, I agree, OP. But, the name change upon marriage thing is also quite bizarre to me.

I have a difficult surname. My adult daughters are very pleased to have their dad's (easy) name.

Of course it's the woman's choice: no one is talking about banning anyone from taking their husband's surname. And there are always going to be people who do this and all power to them.

But the point is that it's still the default that married women take their husband's surname upon marriage. If it was routine for men to take their wives' surnames we wouldn't be having this discussion.

Is t the entire point of feminism that right of choice ?

I actually burned my bra in 1973.. i sat in Greenham common in the 1980s for 11 long hard months .. I CHOSE to take my husbands name (after thinking long and hard about marriage) in the 1990s ...

Simply because I preferred it to my own. Which was ugly.

Stop judging. CHOICE was the goal.

I didn't lose my identity when I changed my name - I just changed my name.

And as @LusaBatoosa correctly points out: when was the last time you heard of a man taking his wife's surname because he "didn't like" his birth surname. It's invariably women who do this and then explain it away for reasons like this.

Neither DH or I changed our names when we married and our now-adult children both have my surname.

This was nearly 40 years ago and it was considered controversial at the time by our families and friends.

My son has my surname. It was never discussed tbh. As soon as that baby name book was bought I would say the name aloud with my surname.

I remember when we discussed marriage. I asked him whether he would keep his surname or take mine.

Writing this down and reading it, sounds so entitled and presumptuous. But ONLY because I’m not a man!

Yes, and I shouldn't have given DD1 her dad's surname cos now he's free to travel with her and a girlfriend of x weeks and she's an assumed mum. I agree with the principle of kids having mums surnames but moreover both parents names being on the passport