To think children should have their mothers surname

[Laurendelaney1987]

if the parents are not married. You did the hard work! Why the fuck should the child carry his name?

Actually I did read a newspaper article once that quoted a study that said the higher the level of education, the more likely a woman is to keep her name.

Make of that what you will.

@DialEmforMurder I wonder what the cultural "norm" is for married women in the Netherlands? In the UK we seem so behind orher countries on this issue. So many women still think you automatically become a "Mrs Hisname" upon marriage.

@DialEmforMurder
Just looked it up...
Women in the Netherlands are required by law to keep their surname when marrying. They can take their husband's surname under special circumstances, but they will always be identified in documents by their maiden name.

I didn’t say anything about ‘your generation’. So, I’m guessing that the answer is ‘no’? None of them divested themselves of this terrible unsayable name that you were desperate to get rid of? Even your Dad?

Why do you think that is?

Food for thought!

Well all that I can say is that my kids having my name, and not changing my surname on marriage has really served me well.

I have always felt very connected to my children. as I guess most / all mothers do. Yet I do also feel that sharing a surname, one that was mine all my life, and my kids all their lives is another layer of connection. My kids often refer to us as the X family, and I think it gives me a lot of joy and pride. Despite having a good career I did put a lot of my own needs/job on hold to bring them up. My Ex did not. It just seems somehow… right.

They have a good relationship with their father. But having my surname seems to reflect the reality of me as their mother. I wish we were in a world where most fathers put in as much as of the emotional, stressful, day in and out, financial work into bringing up children. But reading mumsnet and knowing my friends… women do the majority most of the time. (Apologies to those fathers who are great too, I know you are out there!)

And children having their mothers surname seems much more intuitive, more logical, more right than the fathers. The reason they don’t is very much the patriarchy and I’m sad to say, a lot of misogyny. Give their name and then clear off/leave the child rearing to the mother.

Apologies-I expressed myself poorly. I did not intend to suggest that women who change their names lack intelligence. I was told that I should show respect for other women's choices. What I was trying, poorly, to say was that I believe that showing respect for women includes assuming that they are adults who have the awareness and intelligence to consider how their choices impact on other women and on society generally now and in the future. Anything else is too close to "you do you, hon" for my taste.

I gave my child my partners surname. Purely because his sounded better than mine. No big deal really

@Willyoujustbequiet

Actually I did read a newspaper article once that quoted a study that said the higher the level of education, the more likely a woman is to keep her name.

Make of that what you will.

That seems entirely logical. The more highly educated a woman is the wealthier she is likely to be. The wealthier a woman is the less likely she is to need financial protection from a man and thus the less relevance marriage will have to her. The less relevance marriage has the less she will care about the symbolic act of taking a man's name and the more likely it is that her birth name will have some distinction which she won't want to lose through marrriage.

Rationally, there should be fewer educated women taking their husband's name than less educated women.

More highly educated women as a general rule probably are more likely to be feminists I would guess because they understand how difficult it is to compete against alpha men when the status quo is set up in their favour. I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm talking rubbish but that's my view.

So while its not automatically the case that a woman who keeps her own name is more intelligent, she is very likely to be wealthier and better educated than one who takes her husband's.

@Thepeopleversuswork I am most definitely the complete opposite of what you have just written

@grayhairdontcare

Of course, people are individuals and these are just average population trends as opposed to rules.

I mean I changed my name and yes, I am less intelligent than many of you here. It's not ashamed of that though and the way it's used as a stick to beat women with on threads like these is absolutely disgusting.

@keye if your comment was in response to my post earlier, I'll repost my apology and reply in case you missed it. "Apologies-I expressed myself poorly. I did not intend to suggest that women who change their names lack intelligence. I was told that I should show respect for other women's choices. What I was trying, poorly, to say was that I believe that showing respect for women includes assuming that they are adults who have the awareness and intelligence to consider how their choices impact on other women and on society generally now and in the future. Anything else is too close to "you do you, hon" for my taste."

Perfect example, but no, you are not the main event.

@keye I don't understand but fair enough...

I think unfortunately a lot of people do things "because it's tradition" without questioning the background reasons behind it or the impact it has on us as women moving forwards.
Relating to marriage, for example, not only did I remain a Ms Myname, I also chose not to have my father give me away or throw a bridal bouquet. Both traditions are historically drenched in misogyny and for me, personally, not ones I wanted to give any space in our wedding for.
Of course I accept that others disagree and do keep these traditions, but that doesn't make my own decisions any less valid.

Well all I can say is if you are a woman, reading this thread and haven’t had kids yet. Please really do consider giving them your surname! Especially if you wouldn’t normally even consider it. Consider it!

Because it is a really lovely feeling your own kids having your name. There are only pluses for you as a mother. You will feel a family even if the father doesn’t change his name. I guarantee that. And if the father turns out to be a bit rubbish and leaves, you will have an easier time at schools, health appointments and going on holiday. And your kids will just register, just a litttle bit, that they have your name, as a mother, that your name counts just as much as their fathers. That little bit of extra respect and value.

Value yourself. Including your name.

I agree. I mean, if your name is shit, I get it. I also have a good friend whose father was no prince, so she felt that her husband was a good man (and he has been and certainly her father was not a hard bar to beat) so I get that she prefers her children to have their father's name not their grandfathers. I completely get that every case is different, but in my case, I should have insisted they have my name. We weren't married and he wanted the children to have his name, and they got his name. Looking back on it that's very entitled and I shouldn't have allowed it. My daughter changed her name to mine as soon as she could.

A truly stupid and bigoted comment.

In what way? Historically, who have women and girls needed protection from?

They still have their grandfather’s name, though. Just a different grandfather.

I genuinely don’t understand why people think men’s names belong to them, but a woman’s last name belongs to her father.

I genuinely don’t understand why people think men’s names belong to them, but a woman’s last name belongs to her father.

For me, taking my husband’s name on marriage was incredibly liberating - sharing a surname with a man I loved and had chosen to spend my life with, rather than sharing a surname with my abusive father, had a lot of meaning. I didn’t have my father ‘walk me down the aisle’ or ‘give me away’ for that reason.

Traditionally women were property that belonged first to their fathers and then their husbands. Which is what the name change and ‘giving away’ part of the wedding ceremony represents. So I definitely agree with OP’s point.