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Original poster

Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

551 replies

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 05/12/2023 17:18

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/12/2023 18:18

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale this guy is a total mind fuck and a time waster. Just leave and this time don't fall for his manipulation and actually walk out the door.

Can you imagine actually being married to him and having a child with him? He'll drain you and your child with his fucking drivel. He'll be a shit husband and a shit dad. You're no longer compatible, end it now.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2023 18:18

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 05/12/2023 17:22

He told me he was looking at rings with his Mum so I'm like why would you even do that.

Why? To keep you dangling.

Leave this future faker.
Even if he got you a ring he'd still avoid marrying you.

Cut your losses.
Pack.
Leave.
Don't look back.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 05/12/2023 18:19

ACynicalDad · 05/12/2023 18:13

small chance he will propose over Christmas, so maybe hang about for that, but leave him in the NY.

If by a million to one shot he proposes it will be because he feels emotionally blackmailed and he'll back out again later.

He just doesn't want to be married with children, and he doesn't want to state it in plain language because he'll thinks it will upset the OP. (...and he has a point.)

Obvs there's always the option of 'accidentally' getting pregnant but that will lead to a lifetime of resentment on both sides.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 05/12/2023 18:20

I think he's giving you a lucky escape. I can't imagine anything worse than having a child with such a horrible man.

Take control over your own life. Leave.

Makemeover4 · 05/12/2023 18:20

If he wanted to, he would.

That's literally all there is to this op, don't waste your life on someone who isn't all in.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2023 18:21

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 05/12/2023 17:32

How can he do this, I don't understand.
I ended up apologising for getting annoyed at him.
He keeps saying it's about giving me the wedding and life I deserve.

He's lying.

It's about him keeping the same comfortable lifestyle he has right now, with you to do chores and cook and have sex with.

Dump him.

toomanyleggings · 05/12/2023 18:23

See them there hills? They’re for you!
He’s winding your clock down. Wasting your time. Just leave and don’t look back. He’ll meet someone he does want to commit to and suddenly he’ll be moving heaven and earth to get a better job. You’ll end up alone with waning fertility. Do yourself a favour.

Jl2014 · 05/12/2023 18:25

Raise your bar, OP. This guy is messing you about and you’re waiting for him to spell it out for you? Your life belongs to YOU not him. If this is his reaction to getting married and you manage to drag him down the aisle, what will the decision to have kids be like?

mathanxiety · 05/12/2023 18:25

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 05/12/2023 17:44

I do feel for him about his career status and lack of qualifications, he feels he won't amount to much. But I'm always trying to help him with that. Do you think that could really be it?

No, that's just a handy excuse that keeps you from packing.

The attractions of this excuse as far as he's concerned are:
1 - it flatters you so you think he actually cares about you,
2 - it makes you think he has some sort of plan based on your worth, 'if only my ship would come in', and
3 - it keeps you trying to help him in his job, boosting his confidence, paying attention to him.

You are stuck with this selfish, manipulative jerk only as long as you choose to be.

bighair32 · 05/12/2023 18:26

Sorry OP but I am going to repeat similar comments. I had a similar situation, was future faked through my 30s finally getting married when I was walking out the door.

I should have kept walking.

He was kind enough to let me know that he 'never wanted to marry me' 3 months after our wedding. He took a job on the other side of the country and I was absolutely rinsed in our divorce 18 months later.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. He doesn't love you, he just doesn't want to be alone.

ApricotLime · 05/12/2023 18:26

He's shown you many times he doesn't want to marry. It's a pain that he keeps teasing you to get you to stay by faking wanting to. Mentioning ring shopping etc. He's upsetting you.
The nice man at work sounds a better option.

Catandsquirrel · 05/12/2023 18:27

Please pack, walk out and leave him behind. He doesn't want to marry you and hasn't got the decency not to waste your time knowing you're mid 30s and want kids. That is a special brand of snivelling callousness. Can't be arsed to improve his own prospects but used it as an excuse not to marry you until you're running round applying to courses for him. Please just leave this time waster. Date the guy at work. He may not be the one but he is more likely to be than billy bullshitter. He will leave you in a few years and knock someone up stat otherwise. I'm sure you are a wonderful woman but for him you're just familiar. I hate to be that harsh but if you want a family you don't have unlimited time.

ApricotLime · 05/12/2023 18:28

Catandsquirrel · 05/12/2023 18:27

Please pack, walk out and leave him behind. He doesn't want to marry you and hasn't got the decency not to waste your time knowing you're mid 30s and want kids. That is a special brand of snivelling callousness. Can't be arsed to improve his own prospects but used it as an excuse not to marry you until you're running round applying to courses for him. Please just leave this time waster. Date the guy at work. He may not be the one but he is more likely to be than billy bullshitter. He will leave you in a few years and knock someone up stat otherwise. I'm sure you are a wonderful woman but for him you're just familiar. I hate to be that harsh but if you want a family you don't have unlimited time.

I agree with all this

Elieza · 05/12/2023 18:31

Take a break from him or leave him.
Either way do something.
You can’t go on like this.

He isn’t on the same wavelength as you. Perhaps some time apart will make it easier to see the way forward. Which I suspect will be without him. He sounds like he’s stringing you along for his own comfort and cares naught for your feelings.

Oh and if you do get back together I’d stipulate a small intimate wedding in two months time, arranged right now, or I’m off….
I think you’ll find he isn’t up for it.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 05/12/2023 18:34

Don't waste any more time on this manipulative man .

Walk away quickly and make a new life for yourself.

Don't engage in any more conversations reasonings platitudes or explanations, it's all been said and you keep falling for his bullshit. He's let you down every time, stop believing him.

Run, run ....

Bobbotgegrinch · 05/12/2023 18:34

You're not trapped OP, you can exit this relationship any time you want to. You don't need to find out the truth about why he won't marry you, don't need to puzzle anything out.

You can simply say to yourself, this man is making me unhappy, he isn't bringing anything positive to my life, I'm done.

Honestly, at this point, if he married you tomorrow, would you be able to forget all the times he's mucked you about up till now?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/12/2023 18:35

bighair32 · 05/12/2023 18:26

Sorry OP but I am going to repeat similar comments. I had a similar situation, was future faked through my 30s finally getting married when I was walking out the door.

I should have kept walking.

He was kind enough to let me know that he 'never wanted to marry me' 3 months after our wedding. He took a job on the other side of the country and I was absolutely rinsed in our divorce 18 months later.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. He doesn't love you, he just doesn't want to be alone.

What a cunt.

I hope your life is better now?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/12/2023 18:38

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale even if you did wait around for marriage, believe me, it doesn't suddenly make a shitty relationship all perfect once you sign that marriage registry! He'll still be the same time wasting manipulative shit that he's been now for years....you want to try for a baby? He'll do the same shit all over again, mind fucking you and time wasting until your biological clock has stopped ticking. Then you'll be left childless and when you do inevitably divorce, he'll have knocked up some lass in her 20's.

BethDuttonsTwin · 05/12/2023 18:38

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 05/12/2023 17:23

I do. When I wanted to leave he tried to make out like only because he's not earning enough and that's the only thing stopping him. Honestly I don't believe it's just that and I've told him.

Manipulative prick. You need to leave, now and grey rock him all the way. Do not listen to a word he says He’s never going to marry you. If he wanted to,you already would be married now.

GabriellaMontez · 05/12/2023 18:39

He hasn't even got thr balls to end it properly.

He's just stringing you along until you do it.

Life is just too short. Move on.

BethDuttonsTwin · 05/12/2023 18:40

Oh and if you do actually marry, he’ll treat you like crap and tell you it’s your own fault because you forced him into marrying you. It will completely screw your mental health and you won’t recover for years, years that you don’t have if you want children.

RiderofRohan · 05/12/2023 18:41

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 05/12/2023 17:24

There's a lovely bloke at work who's interested in me (he's not been disrespectful at all) and I'm choosing this instead.
I feel trapped because he acts completely devastated at the thought of me leaving and thn says he does want to marry me.

Who cares about what he feels? Or pretends to feel. This man is stringing you along with excuses and the sooner you see that, the sooner you can get the hell out and move on with your life.

BIossomtoes · 05/12/2023 18:42

LTB, singing I Will Survive.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 05/12/2023 18:42

He was kind enough to let me know that he 'never wanted to marry me' 3 months after our wedding. He took a job on the other side of the country and I was absolutely rinsed in our divorce 18 months later.

Good point. Even if the OP manages to wring a marriage out of this guy how committed is he going to be to sticking with it? You can walk away from a massage pretty easily these days and there would be resentment on both sides.

I know it's impractical because 99.9% of men will run a mile but "If this works out do we both definately want kids" should be a first date topic of conversation.

Frankly, the days when sex before marriage was out of the question must have made marriage,children and domestic life very appealing to reluctant men.

Sonolanona · 05/12/2023 18:44

Wake up OP.
I'm sorry for you because it's obviously distressing, but this man is NOT going to marry you.
He's thrown every excuse in the book at you and you are still being kept dangling. You are just convenient...for now.
If he wanted to marry you your earning power (and his) would be irrelevant. He'd be happy to pop to a registry office and just do the official stuff without a 'big wedding' (hint... virtually no man wants a big wedding)

He DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU.

The crap about engagemenmt rings... bullshit. Another stalling tactic.

Get out... have some self respect and leave him . Date the other guy. Find someone who actually really cares about you...and if you want kids, do it soon!