Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale as someone else has mentioned, you need to contact your Landlord. Once a fixed period ends, it automatically goes onto rolling periodic tenancy. A tenancy only ends when tenants end it (or if it is ended through eviction/courts). You'll need to give one month's notice in writing, of your wish to end it.

Op you do mean you are paying your half of the rent don’t you and not “the rent” as in all of it?

And do make your intentions clear directly with the landlord.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I am bloody glad that your ex is facing Christmas without his food shopping, laundry, cleaning and cooking being done for him! It might make him think about what a twat he has been. It probably won’t though! I am not saying this to be hurtful but he’s probably out looking for the next poor woman he can con in to molly-coddling him for the least possible effort or commitment on his part.

And please trust all of us mothers here op when we say that, come the time you have beautiful babies and toddlers (which you undoubtably will) who are up in the night teething or with a stomach bug, and you have a complicated presentation to give at work the next day, and the child minder is sick as well, you DO NOT want some useless man- child as your dp, you want a strong, committed grown up, selfless husband who is mature and capable who can work alongside you in the trenches and take the initiative and support you properly.

In other words, your current enthusiasm for looking after your ex, and doing the household chores, gets stretched extremely thin when you are responsible for children who need all of your energy and attention, and you find yourself having to look after the adult in your life too. It’s not remotely attractive or endearing. Please, please remember that you have had a lucky escape!

Do you think he’s worrying if you’re eating? Or if you’re managing to clean up after yourself? Thank goodness you’ve left.

You are not his mom, OP. Men eat very well and sleep every well, no matter what their relationship status is.

I wonder if women tend to treat their husbands like their kids, feeding and being their chef housekeeper rolled into one, hoping that when the time comes "Dad" will help Mom with household chores and child rearing. This hope is futile. If you infantalise your partner when dating, he will remain the infant forever, never the responsible adult. In fact, when kids enter the picture, he will be outraged that you had the gall to expect him to help - how dare you, he is your baby, you have to serve him, not the other way around! You will end up having to take care of the man child for the rest of your life.

This.

Don't spend your life worrying if a man is eating properly when that man would never dream of worrying the same about you.

Relationships need to be about equals (disability aside). If there’s not that equality then resentment and/or a lack of respect will be at play, and it just won’t work. I think many women fall into the ‘caregiver’ mode- particularly when there’s a reluctance on the man’s side. All it does is make it worse. They simply won’t respect you.

If he wanted to marry me he'd be saying 'let's get married/book a venue ' etc. Now wouldn't he. But he's not doing that. That's all I need to remember I suppose.b

If you were/are the love of his life and the person he wants to have dc with he would have come round with a proposal and be ready to book the wedding venue.

If you are named on the lease, either as the only tenant or as a joint tenant with your ex, contact your landlord TODAY and give notice that you as an individual will not be re-upping the lease when it runs out.

If you are the only person on the lease, it would be very wise to have the LL or agent do a termination check soon, or you may find yourself liable for any damage to the property or neglectful behaviour on the part of your ex during the next two months that could result in you forfeiting your security deposit.

Tell your ex that you will not be renewing the lease, whether you're both on it now or you're the only named tenant.

Agreed this is very important otherwise you could continue to be lumbered with the rent.

Are you both named on the agreement?

LEAVE HIM!!!! While you're still young enough to have a family with someone who deserves you. Seriously. Do it. Now. He's a tw@t who's messing you about.

You have had a lot of good advice on this thread. You really can't afford to wallow about when it comes to the tenancy agreement, and him, so if you decide not to follow it, then the consequences are all on you really. It won't affect anyone else.

I'm aware of the tenancy situation don't worry :) I know when I am required to inform them by.

Good. Have you given him notice that he has to cover the rent or find somewhere else to live?

So have you done it yet? This "I'm going to get round to it in some as-yet-undefined future" sounds like the sort of thing he'd say. Do it while you still have the determination.
If there is no flat to go back to then that's one less temptation.

If he’s in doubt, then make the decision for him. Go find someone who has no doubt in their mind. They are out there and waiting for you!
But before you do that, kick this idiot to the kerb, spend some time alone and learn to love, value and appreciate yourself again.

Good as you don't want your name left on the agreement as if he stops paying the rent you'll still be liable for any debt incurred.

Well done OP x
It will get better block his number !

ITA! Well done OP!

Can't bring myself to block atm but hopefully soon, we are still on good terms but he seems to be accepting the situation, he's not asked me to come back or said he wants to commit so..

I’m so sorry op. That’s got to be so painful. But stay strong, you are doing the right thing!

He told me the other day that he misses me a lot and feels like a coward, but that's all he's said tbh. Thank you.

He is a coward.
That isn't a great personality trait in a husband and father.

OP you can do better. Cut the strings and block him x
Its harder to move on until you do x