Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

I do feel for him about his career status and lack of qualifications, he feels he won't amount to much. But I'm always trying to help him with that. Do you think that could really be it?

This.

You are 35!!!! Get out nowwww

*it's him who's bothered by that, not me at all.

He’ll never spell it out because it doesn’t suit him to do so and he won’t want to be the bad guy.

Please listen to the collective wisdom of hundreds of women who’ve been there/done that.

Forge ahead with the guy at work and don’t look back.

WOW.

In the nicest possible way OP you really need to wake up and take a long hard look at this situation.

No man in the history of mankind wants a "big wedding". Every man I've ever spoken to on the subject would love something low key but feel pressured into the "fairytale wedding" to please their partners. He is completely bullshitting you at every turn and you are falling for it.

Let's just say he speaks to you this evening and says "I am 100% committed to you. Let's get married! What venues would you consider?" Would you engage? Because honestly, I would NEVER want to marry a man that's treated me this way repeatedly. You need to raise your bar - dramatically.

Kick him to the curb and find someone deserving.

Sounds like my ex (female). Except that wasn't about marriage, that was about moving here and in with me to end the long distance part of our relationship and start a life together. Every excuse going, but would swear she wanted to. If I pulled away and started getting on with my life she would kick up a huge fuss and make all kinds of promises. I walked away in the end, and eventually blocked her, because she still kept making promises and turning it on me, saying if I loved her I'd just wait another year or two.

She would never admit she just didn't want to.

The only way to find closure is to close the door yourself and take control of your own life.

This isn't working for you, you don't feel he is committed, you are entitled to walk away. Choose yourself.

Definitely not. If a man wants to marry you nothing will stop him, and too be frank, “career status” is one of the worst excuses I’ve heard.

You are not a rehab centre for below par man.

He has power over you by withholding this, it's designed to keep you guessing, to keep you trying to "fix" yourself, the relationship,him, whatever it is the is not working. Being the one that's always vulnerable, always on the back foot, always being the only one always fighting for the both of you is no way to live.

You “tried”?

When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then'
Everyone who has ever said this to me, was a manipulative bastard.
I wouldn't marry him if he was the last man on earth.

Do you want to be his partner or his mother/therapist/life coach

Women are not here to be emotional support human beings for men who cannot take ownership for their own shit

No. If he had a great career with loads of money, he’d say it was the wrong house. Or the wrong timing. Or a family bereavement, or saving for a deposit, or focusing on a promotion or big work project. Or “waiting for the perfect moment to propose”

One of my friends had an ex who said he wanted to get married but dragged his feet. When she was going to leave, he said he’d already bought a ring and had been waiting for the right time to prose so she stayed. On at least three occasions over the next two years he picked fights on holidays, birthdays or special events and afterwards said “I was going to prose this weekend but you ruined the moment and now I need a few months to get over it before I even think about it again”. She fell for that shit for two years before leaving, and walked on eggshells doing everything to please him in the hope she would be good enough to be worthy of a proposal.

She’s married with two kids now to a good guy.

Dump!!

You have wasted enough time on this chump.

Move ahead with work chap and don’t look back.

Get out while you have time to build the life you want.

Even if he accepts that you don't need him to be earning X or spend on a massive wedding, unless he shifts his mindset he'll never be happy, nothing will every be quite right, and you'll be miserable waiting for him to sign up to having kids, or miserable trying to negotiate a divorce settlement and look after the kids at the same time.

Get out now.

Honestly? I think it’s time to change your mindset.

At present this man has the benefits of a wife without getting married. Even if you did get married, do you think it is likely he’d be up for having children?

Start making plans. Do you live in his place? If so, it’s time to move out. If you do “wifely” things for him then stop. He expects you to spend a dull weekend at his parents’? What a shame, you don’t want to.

Even if the reason is valid has he made any attempt to focus on a career? If not- then he’s sending a clear message, he will never change and doesn’t care enough.

He will never say it’s you he will always have an excuse. Because if he says it you will leave and there goes his nice easy zero commitment relationship maid cleaner sex.

one day when your too old to have children with he will leave because he wants children, he will likely marry that women extremely fast. While you sit there wondering why she’s worth it and you’re not. But it’s not you it’s him. His not ready for a family and marriage and your his stop gap till he is ready.

Take the power back. You’re 35. You can’t wait around for some fairytale life he claims he wants to provide.

Bin him off. Be firm. You’ll feel so much better in 6 months time. Guaranteed.

Who cares! Reasons don't matter. All you need to know is that he is not going to marry you within the time frame you want. Leave now and have a date with a cute bloke at work.

Oh sweetheart everything you write about him he sounds worse and worse. He's got YOU apologising because HE is a flake.
He is lazy and manipulative.
What's stopping him boosting his qualifications now, since he isn't working all that much? He doesn't want your help, he doesn't want to get married. He likes his life just as it is, which is why he'll say anything to keep you there.
I wonder how much he pulls his weight in other ways? Are you paying for everything?

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale
you are 35 OP. if you want kids, I suggest you stop letting this man play silly buggers and get out. if for nothing else then because he keeps lying to you

He'll get over it.

I've helped him apply for some courses but honestly he's quite lazy about it. He did get rejected from some tbh, but he needs to spend more time on it and not give it up. There are many jobs which will pay more, they may not be his dream job but he wouldn't even entertain doing one just until he finds this dream job.

you want different things from life he just doesn't want to admit it.

I guess you want children and you are in your mid 30s already. don't let him run down your clock. Dump his sorry and indecisive arse and move on.

I've reminded him of my age so many times but he keeps saying, I know, I know.