Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

Sorry but you need some tough love here. OPEN YOUR EYES. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t see himself as your husband. You’re good enough for now. He ain’t gonna wife you up he’s waiting for something better to come along. You need to get a grip before you lose your change to be a mum.

Do you want him to agree to you leaving him? Why would he when all he has to do is turn on the sad act and you'll stay.
Oh and if he does by some miracle marry you, nothing else will change. He'll always be the same flaky glib lightweight he is right now.
Give yourself permission to leave fgs. Cop on to yourself, the only person trapping you is you.
Got pretty annoyed, eh, give me strength!

How can he do this, I don't understand.
I ended up apologising for getting annoyed at him.
He keeps saying it's about giving me the wedding and life I deserve.

Before you know it you will be trapped in the same old cycle and too old for a child. Even if he says yes to a wedding now would you really trust him to turn up on the day? Imagine being jilted at the alter because he has been stringing you along or once again changed his mind! Get out now. He will be aware how he is playing with your emotions and insecurities and quite clearly does not care enough to give a shit.

He’s stringing you along. As others have said, these types often end up going off with someone else and then get married quickly. When you’ve wasted years listening to their excuses.

It's all bull to make you stay

What do you believe?

You believe your gut that's screaming you feel trapped, some part deep down knows he is stringing you along but you don't seem ready to face that head on, to admit that to yourself. You know you need to leave, so leave, if he begs/pleads/cries/promises on your way out the door you can agree to meet him when he has whatever it is sorted but keep walking out that door.

I want him to admit he doesn't actually want to.
That finances thing was a new revelation before.
He said earlier the reason he's hesitant isn't personal to me.
Honestly I just want my old life back, I spend half my time on spare room now.

All the more reason to leave

A man who can't cope with you earning more than him is far more likely to try to hold you back than support you forward

Don't let your life be made smaller by his insecurities

Walk away

Some months he earns the same anyway. I only earn more because I work nearly 45 hours a week. It sounds dramatic but I'm so depressed over this.

You're all being fantastic, thank you.

the key thing is he is making you feel miserable. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t enhance your life 💐

If there is a wedding and life you deserve, it would be the one you asked for. You said it didn't make a difference how, you just want to get married. He hasn't done it.

I don't know how he could make it clearer that he doesn't want to get married and have a family.

Even if you twist his arm into it you'll resent each other and be miserable for your entire lives.

Get out fast. Not as an ultimatum to manipulate him, just get out and find someone with the same life plan as you.

Men are not that noble. He doesn't want to get married. If you do, you should stop wasting any more of your life on him. Life is really too short for this shit.

You are to be blunt being pathetic and trying to make excuses for him. Even if you think you love him he DOES NOT love you. Glaringly obvious to all who read this thread. Move out and on and get the life you deserve and a man who puts you at the top of his priorities and lives you wholly.

You are wasting your precious life with this man OP. Leave now. He's never going to marry you (and why would you want to marry him?) When you're forty something he'll leave you and it will be too late for you to have children - if that's what you want. He'll marry someone younger and have children with them quicker than you can blink. You are worth so much more than this.

OP, he doesn't want to marry you. He has a very nice life now, has no intention of committing. Why would he? He has a relatively affluent flat mate to share the bills, sex and housework skills on tap and no commitment. You are being played.

You don't need him to tell you anything. It's already blatantly obvious to everyone else.

You need to walk away. Stop wasting your time.

I’m afraid I’d leave in this situation. If he wants to marry you he would have done it by now. Give yourself a chance to find happiness with someone else.

Also if you are so miserable now imagine another five years down the line if things are the same because you stayed how much worse you will feel.

Honestly, if you are here and asking these questions and browsing spare room, wanting your old life back, you are 90% of the way there. You are strong enough to do this. You are fantastic, and deserve better.

Get somewhere lined up, get someone you trust to arrange a day to pick you up and help you move, and then tell him on the day. No chance for him to emotionally blackmail you or for you to wobble if you have committed to a house share or rental. Someone to back you up.

I want him to admit he doesn't actually want to.

He's never going to say that because it might upset you. If he wanted to be married with kids it would already have happend. He doesn't.

I guess if he actually spells it out there's no incentive for me to stay.

I agree, he’ll never say it. My ex said it to other people but even when we split he backed me in to a metaphorical corner where I had to be the one to break it off. It’s like he just couldn’t do it, he didn’t want to be the bad guy and wanted to be able to tell everyone I left him.

Too fucking right I left him. He didn’t deserve me and I found a wonderful partner who does. Happiness is out there for you. Go find it!!