Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

*marriage 😳

You've posted about this so often and the situation never changes. You never get what you want from this man and you're always miserable.

It's 100% time to move on.

Read your second sentence.

That's why he does it, because he's heard it all before, quite often by what you're writing in your posts.
He knows you've absolutely no intention of leaving him.

This is my first mn post. He knows marriage will be a prelude to kids and since he thinks we will be in poverty... Sorry only just reading replies now.

You are supposed to be his girlfriend, not his mother. He sounds like a lazy loser

If you are spending more time in the spare room than in your own bedroom why do you want to marry him? He is stringing you along to keep you there, but sounds like he has no interest in marrying you or bettering himself.

So it sounds like he's got you exactly where he wants you (with him, but willing to put up with him stealth-refusing to marry you and willing to put up with his endless bait-and-switches).

The thing you need to realise is that there is no conflict-free way of leaving him. He has things the way that suits him; of course he's going to try to guilt you and manipulate you into staying by sulking and/or crying and/or coming over all vulnerable. This is all bs on his part. You have an absolute right to leave him. You have an absolute right to look for a relationship that gives you more of what you need.

If you get your head round the fact that he's going to make leaving very unpleasant by using all the levers/triggers he has available to him, it may help you 'expect' his tearful, perhaps penitent, perhaps reproachful behaviour when you leave.

Good luck with getting free of this selfish, manipulative, unsuitable, unreliable man.

There’s no need for the handwringing and analysing, stop humiliating yourself and wasting your life. Plan your life after you’ve dumped the deadweight, penis is abundant and of low value. Don’t indulge in the boyfriends whining, excuses and arguments, just discard him, he really doesn’t matter.

I even thought of giving an ultimatum saying if we don't book a registry office for 2024/2025 im leaving.

Yeah, that would be mortifying 😄 never beg some bloke to want you.

So you will leave when you’re 37. To try and find a man to marry and have children with before your fertile years run out. Good luck with that.

Don't do that.......

You'll regret the fact you had to give him an ultimatum to marry you, it's just to demeaning.

But do you want to marry purely because of an ultimatum? Why him? What's so wonderful and fantastic about him as a partner that you must absolutely figure out how to make him want to marry you?

He's shown you time and again that he will not actually pull the trigger. So leave. Fuck the promises and the woe is me whining. No ultimatums, no deadlines. Just go.

Anyway, more importantly, where will you live? Do you want a kid? If so, look into freezing eggs for future ivf/new boyfriend, what will your free time look like without this loser dragging you down? Look into courses to do to work on your standards and self esteem.

STOP IT
He doesn't want to marry you, do yourself a massive favour and dump him now.
Not after Christmas, not after New Year - now

And what will you do if he refuses?
Sit on the settee twiddling your thumbs thinking up the next ultimate.

Or worse still hang around get to the date and he calls it off?

Get done. Stop having sex with him for a week or two. Be strong about it. No sex. No touching. Nothing. Your head will be clear. My thinking : He does not want to marry you. Full stop. You both are blurred because you are having sex. You need to have a life with a man who loves you and kids.

OP please listen to the advice given... Do you really want to marry a man you have to push into it?...not sexy..and very unlikely to last.

Oh, and for illustration. I had a friend who was deeesssssperate to marry her boyfriend. She proposed to him eventually (said cos it was romantic but really cos she knew he would never do it). He even joking said no to her. Then said oh ok yes.

A week before the wedding he dumped her.

Men who don't want to get married will not get married even if they say they will.

You will be in poverty, will he be able to afford to cover all of the household bills and rent/mortgage when you're off on maternity? Or will he be expecting you back at work 6 weeks post-partum? It really doesn't sound like he has the ability to provide for you and any children you may eventually have. It is REALLY shit to bring children into a relationship/marriage with a waste of space manipulative dick like this. There are threads about men like this posted in MN every single week. That's why no doubt some commenters think you've posted about him before.

Are you just stringing us along here @Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale because you haven't responded as if you're taking on board any of the excellent advice people have taken the trouble to write here.

The guy you're with is clearly a loser but it sounds like you're happy with that. I think this thread is a waste of everyone's time.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't really want to be with me. I'm worth more than that, and you are to. He has had ample opportunity to show you that what you want is not important to him. Listen to his actions, not his words. Words are easy.

My partner wasn't bothered about marriage, but he knew it was important to me. So we did. Because that's what love looks like.

The excuses are meaningless. Thousands if not millions of people have got married despite not having two pennies to rub together.

Bin him as he is stringing you along.

He's telling you he doesn't want to get married without telling you he doesn't want to get married. No, whizz this one out the window

It's definitely not a waste of people's time, I am taking the advice on board and mustering up the strength to leave for good. I was just explaining that I thought of doing that but he wouldn't even commit to it .

Dump him and go out with a bloke who actually wants you. You’re his placeholder girlfriend.

Theres no point looking for hidden depths with men, they haven’t got them.

We had nothing when we were first together & dh still proposed.