Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

Op - what has he said about children? That will be the next thing he makes u wait for and u don’t have the time for his messing about. Please leave, you deserve better than his mind games.

You sound more mature than him, because you are. What is driving you to try and lock down a 30-year old? By your own admission you seem ready for things he isn’t and he’s telling you ‘our child would live in poverty’. If you are very sure he is worth waiting for (I’m going to say probably not), I’d get my eggs frozen as an insurance policy against any time wasting. The truth is that you’ve sunk years into this situation and it must be very hard to think about walking away.

Even if you think you love him he DOES NOT love you

@Whowhatwherewhenwhy1

I really disagree. We can’t possibly know if he loves OP or not. I think it’s quite likely he does love her. Many, many people behave badly towards the people they love.

A decision to stay someone should not be based on whether they love you or not but whether their behaviour towards you is decent, kind and respectful. And, most important of all whether YOU are happy with THEM.

OP, this man is behaving badly and making you unhappy. All of the other stuff (claiming he needs to earn more, loving you…) all irrelevant.

Stop making excuses and reasons and his said his said his said. His words are worthless not worth a penny. They mean nothing.

His actions show you what he actually means. Wise up your 35 not 15 anymore.

Run run run

Sorry this is happening to you

Please don't waste any more time on this commitment phobe. He doesn't sound like a very nice person anyway.

He’s stringing you along. I’m sorry. It’s shit. You can do better and it’s not too late, but it might be if you waste another year or more with him. You need to leave x

Actions speak louder than words. If he really wanted to marry you, he would. Im sorry if thats brutal OP, but its something you need to hear.

I had a friend whose bf was like this. Every excuse under the sun why he couldnt get married. She gave him an ultimatium and he reluctantly agreed. They married, and he left her after 11 months for another woman.

Just kiss him goodbye.

Even if you were to marry ( which sounds unlikely) he'll find a way to wuss out of the marriage.
I suspect the babyhood will send him running for the hills.

Who cares?

By the sounds of it he won't amount to much. Nor does he deserve to. Done tie yourself to this man.

OP, what is his stance on kids?

OK he wants to give you the wedding and life you deserve, how is he making this happen? What changes is he making?

In one respect he is telling you the truth ; he genuinely doesn’t want you to leave. Hence all the histrionics, lies & empty promises when it looks like you might.

The rest is all bullshit. He doesn’t want to marry you, he doesn’t care about your happiness and he doesn’t want to have children with you. Not now, not ever. So far, his strategy of stringing you along until your fertile years are over is working well for him, isn’t it?

Wake up, OP, and dump this cretin before you waste any more years on him.

Believe his actions, not his words. He doesn’t want to marry you. He might say otherwise to appease you and keep you hanging on but the fundamental point is he doesn’t want to.

Someone else will want to. You deserve better.

Omg leave!!

Either:

a: He doesn’t really want to marry you and has just saying he does so that you don’t leave, or

b: he is a ridiculous ditherer incapable of making his mind up and sticking to it.

Neither option make a good life partner. Imagine teying to co-parent woth someone like this! Imagine trying to choose names and house location and schools and omg it would be exhausting.

I’m sorry this man wasted such important years of your life 😔

He's giving you a life of manipulation and disappointment at the moment. Is that the life he thinks you deserve?

Do not let him guilt you. And when you decide to go. Go. He's getting away with this manipulation every time you feel sorry and listen to him. You deserve better than the live hi is giving you.

You dont have to understand.

You have to engage brain and disengage from him.

Take a good hard long look at how he's behaving, then how someone who actually loved you would be behaving, then ask yourself why the hell you apologised to him.

If you looked back at yourself now from 15 years in the future, what would you tell yourself?

The alternative is to stay being strung along and apologising. He's getting kept, he's presumably getting laid, perhaps you're doing most of the housework, he doesn't want to commit. You're giving him everything he wants.

Time for you to decide what you want. Is this it?

Let's take emotions out of it and look at the facts.

1. You are with a man who makes you feel uncomfortable for earning money
2. He lacks qualifications and ambitions
3. He complains about not making enough money but is too lazy to follow through on courses that would allow him to boost his earning potential
4. He is refusing job offers because they are not glamorous enough
5. Every time you try to assert yourself, he is making you feel guilty about it.

He is not exactly a husband material, is he? Even if he offered you to go to the registry office tomorrow, what kind of a life do you think you might have going forward? Wedding is just one day out of your entire life as a couple and honestly, I don't see any redeeming qualities in this bloke that would show me he is going to be a supportive and responsible partner for you. If you have children and you are with a partner who is still waiting for the perfect job opportunity (ideally way above his capabilities and paying a million quid a year) instead of doing his best to provide for the family in every way he can. How do you think it will pan out?

small chance he will propose over Christmas, so maybe hang about for that, but leave him in the NY.

You are being unreasonable for falling for his empty promises over and over. At this point he knows you won't leave.

You’ve still got time to get out of this bad situation and find the life you want.
Whether with the man at work or someone else. Don’t let years go by until you lose options and he still has his.

Hi OP, the problem is that marriage doesn't get easier (nor does it stick!) after you've said "I do"...

People get engaged and married because they really love the other person and they really want to marry them.

He's telling you he doesn't really want to marry you. Even if you got a ring, he'd hesitate to set a date. Even if you set a date you'd be worried he would back out last minute. And even if you got him down the aisle, and got pregnant with a baby he'd agreed to father, he might well shout "You forced me into this and I can't give you what you want" and run for the hills before you give birth...

Please stop wasting your life and go and find someone who really loves you and doesn't make constant excuses about building a future together.

He's pissing you about and you are allowing him to do it. You need to dump him and not go back.
People who love you don't treat you like this.

there’s nothing remotely attractive about him from what you’ve posted. Re read the thread - you’ve chosen to dangle on the end of his line. You are trapping yourself he’s telling you he’s not going to do it and he hasn’t. Take charge, instead of investing all your energy into his lack lustre plans, make good use of your time and put one foot in front of the other - go to a better future

Leave him tonight. Don't waste one more minute on a man who is wasting your life.