Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

This is you taking back control of your life from him. You can go after the things you really want with someone who is worth you.

I promise that although right now it’s the worst pain you’ve ever felt, it will get better and one day you will be so much happier than you’ve ever been.

Thank you xx

I’m so glad. You will look back and think what was I thinking staying so long! For now, practice something firm you can repeat. ‘Stop insulting me, I’m not going to be anyone’s ‘good enough for now’ person. I gave you so many chances.’

Write a reality list (a list of the cold hard facts about your relationship) on your phone and every time you put your rose tinted glasses on for a trip down memory lane read it.

You did well OP. You have a bright future in front of you, think of the feelings that you are going through as the pain of recovery after surgery.

You won’t be married to him or a mum to his child and thank fuck for that…. You’ve dodged a massive bullet - well done 👏🏻

Time to move on to your next chapter now when the perfect
man that deserves you will come along when you least expect him.
Don’t dwell on the past for another second mourning the loss of a future that was never going to happen with this loser. Good luck OP 💪🏻

You've done the right thing for you. You're allowed to remember the happy. It must have had happy times or it wouldn't have turned into a relationship younwanted to keep anyway. Just wasn't your forever.

I do feel a little bit better this morning, thank you

I absolutely promise you that you will look back on this and your only regret will be that you didn’t leave sooner.

flowers to you OP.

Well done @Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale Now go and see what else is on offer ( guy at work) Also do some self reflection as to how you managed to get into this position where you feel you owed your life and happiness to someone who quite clearly didn't feel the same way. And don't keep looking to see if he's begged you to go back to him. He's a millstone round your neck.

Well done op. Try and change your mindset from mourning the good times to “I am valuing myself finally because he didn’t”. All those times when the relationship was going well on the surface there wasn’t proper trust and openness at its foundation.

It is really hard to strike out on your own after a relationship and it takes guts to lead the change. It’s so much easier to stay stuck. But I wish I had realised earlier on in life that love by itself is not enough. You need trust (and lots of other things) alongside it. And he wants your blind trust and loyalty without any clarity or openness and that isn’t respectful. No one should put their trust in someone who only offers vague and empty promises.

Now go and have a coffee with the other bloke from work! Or at least, let him know your personal circumstances have changed , mention something like “It’s not much fun getting organised to move house right before Christmas but it will be good when it’s done” and don’t keep him waiting too long!

You can learn something from every relationship (good or bad). Take time to reflect and then move forward.
New year, new start! 🥰

My heart's broken tbh. I'm sure he did love me. I just feel cruel and selfish for some reason, I wonder if I've just thrown it all away.

You should be really proud of yourself! You'll look back at this and see it as a positive turning point. I'm rooting for you!

I'm sure you loved him and he loved you but for whatever reason he couldn't progress and he should have at least been honest about that. I do not want to seem cruel but from how it seems you were / could still be the one for now but not THE ONE. Men don't have the same biological factors and if you want children and that isn't something you can compromise on, he definitely isn't the one for you and you can't hang around waiting. You've tried he's not taken action. Hugs

You haven't thrown anything away.
If you are the one he wants then your DP will realise it's him that's done the throwing away and come find you, if he does please take time to think hard before deciding if his word is true.

Whatever happens OP maybe sometime away is what you need, Just focus on yourself for now.

Your, as yet unborn, children in the future are literally betting their lives on this breakup, so it's not selfish. I think your BF will be better off as well. It must be pretty stressful having a partner who is openly desperate for something he doesn't want to provide.

Worst case is, in ten years time, after a failed search you end up in a relationship just like this one. Ie no worse off.

You are projecting. He might have a side chick or so he has his eyes on to be so cool to be honest.
If he is into you, you will find him at your door with a ring and a date like 2023 or first quarter 2024.
Breathe. This is the only way.

You've thrown away enough fertile years on him. Try to salvage what's left and don't go giving him the rest.

I think there's zero chance of that, but if it happens it needs to be with an agreement to start TTC today. If it goes too well that's a nice problem to have.

But that isn't going to happen and if it did I think am openly reluctant husband/dad is going to feel zero commitment to hang around. I'm his head (quite reasonably) he'll be thinking "she made me do this so I can leave with a clear conscience".

Leave. I still remember talking to my then BF (early 20s) who when I said that I wanted children (in general terms), said that he didn't want them til his 40s. I said that they wouldn't be with me then, as I'm not waiting til then for them.
Meant it and we split up a few months later.

Thrown what away? A life where you had this man make you miserable every day by being commitment-phobic, and strung you along? That life deserved to be thrown away. Thank god you came to your senses and threw it away so that a better life can be accommodated.

You haven’t thrown him away. He wasn’t yours to be thrown - he made that very clear.

You now have a chance to move forward so DO that, stop looking back and certainly not with ‘what could have been’ because it was very clear it was never going to be.

obviously you are hurting. Allow yourself to feel the pain. But always keep in mind the future. He is not part of that future. He didn’t want to be.

You have thrown away a lot of years on someone who does not deserve your love. Despite him proving over and over again that he was future faking you you have held on to this unhappy r'ship by covering your ears and saying la-la-la instead of giving him the boot. Both your soul and your survival brain knows this, and now your conscience and working brain also has caught up with this truth, and your entire being is feeling guilty because you forgot to choose yourself, and protect yourself. You are just misunderstanding this as guilt you feel for leaving the man child.