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Original poster

Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

551 replies

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 05/12/2023 17:18

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

OP posts:
Toomuchcawfee · 08/12/2023 18:23

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 17:55

I am actually starting to feel more anger towards him now.

Good. He’s following the script, you knew he would start spouting half commital crap to reel you back in, and he’s insulting your intelligence by expecting you to fall for it. Find your anger and use it to stay strong.

Hatty65 · 08/12/2023 18:45

I'd text back, "Yes. It became abundantly clear that you were scared of responsibility which is why I ended things. Good luck for the future."

Then block him.

DancesWithDucks · 08/12/2023 18:52

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 17:54

He's literally texting me now saying he wants to plan a future with me, and he's been realising he does want marriage and children but that he's scared of responsibility. I don't even know what to reply.

"I want a man, not a man child afraid of commitment and living"

furtivetussling · 08/12/2023 18:53

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 17:54

He's literally texting me now saying he wants to plan a future with me, and he's been realising he does want marriage and children but that he's scared of responsibility. I don't even know what to reply.

And how long would it be before the wind changes direction again?

You've done the right thing, and hold on to that anger.

Angrycat2768 · 08/12/2023 18:58

furtivetussling · 08/12/2023 18:53

And how long would it be before the wind changes direction again?

You've done the right thing, and hold on to that anger.

Show quote history

How can you be scared of responsibility but want marriage and children? Just say bye and block him.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/12/2023 19:48

I know you found a room and had a talk with him, @Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale but have you actually ended things with him and moved out?

Badlylitdescent · 08/12/2023 19:56

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 17:54

He's literally texting me now saying he wants to plan a future with me, and he's been realising he does want marriage and children but that he's scared of responsibility. I don't even know what to reply.

He is definitely telling you who he is op!

He wants to “plan” a future - not actually live it!

He apparently wants a wife and children - but is scared of the responsibility !

In other words… nothing has changed!

You don’t know what to reply bc it’s sad. There is nothing to say. Be strong. Use that anger and block.

Original poster
Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 20:10

Yeah, I've moved in with my parents now. I already feel a lot better, but still miss him a lot. It'll just take time I guess.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 08/12/2023 20:15

Well done @Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale. You are missing what you want him to be, not what he is.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/12/2023 20:21

You've done the right thing. Don't get sucked back in. Do something fun this weekend, watch your favourite film, cinema? Meal out with your parents? Something to take your mind off it.

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 08/12/2023 20:22

You’ve been very sensible. Why waste your time with him

SkyFullofStars1975 · 08/12/2023 20:24

His words are just empty, don't go back just on a promise.

You may be hurting but this is the right decision for you.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 08/12/2023 20:33

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 20:10

Yeah, I've moved in with my parents now. I already feel a lot better, but still miss him a lot. It'll just take time I guess.

This is the first day of the rest of your life x

Original poster
Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 20:35

Well this is the thing, when I previously said I was leaving it makes him panic, which I understand, and he comes out with all this yeah let's get married, let's do it etc. And then when I speak about booking things he gets hesitant and panics.

OP posts:
Angrycat2768 · 08/12/2023 20:39

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 20:10

Yeah, I've moved in with my parents now. I already feel a lot better, but still miss him a lot. It'll just take time I guess.

Good idea.

therealcookiemonster · 08/12/2023 20:46

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 20:35

Well this is the thing, when I previously said I was leaving it makes him panic, which I understand, and he comes out with all this yeah let's get married, let's do it etc. And then when I speak about booking things he gets hesitant and panics.

he's never going to change. you need to break the cycle. don't let this idiot waste more of your precious time

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/12/2023 20:47

He's not the one for you. Stop analysing it all now, it's done.

No woman REALLY wants to be with a man who doesn't adore her. He doesn't adore you, if he did, you'd have been married by now.

wronginalltherightways · 08/12/2023 20:54

Ah, more empty wishy washy statements that all mean, at most, 'maybe'.

You are well rid, OP. I hope you see that soon.

Codlingmoths · 08/12/2023 21:16

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 17:54

He's literally texting me now saying he wants to plan a future with me, and he's been realising he does want marriage and children but that he's scared of responsibility. I don't even know what to reply.

just reply ‘I hope you find that person you really do want those things with. We both know that if I came back you’d be falling over yourself to take those words back and go back to saying I’m not ready , just like every other time.’

senua · 08/12/2023 21:59

Codlingmoths · 08/12/2023 21:16

just reply ‘I hope you find that person you really do want those things with. We both know that if I came back you’d be falling over yourself to take those words back and go back to saying I’m not ready , just like every other time.’

Show quote history

Nah. Don't engage.
Talk to your parents instead; they will help you to stay strong. Keep yourself busy and don't dwell.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 08/12/2023 22:01

He wants to plan a future. Not actively do something about it. More waffle to delay.

He wants marriage and children, but ...

OP I'm getting as angry as you every time I hear an update from this lying twat.

Popcorn23 · 08/12/2023 22:08

This is not what love looks like. He doesn't seem bothered that he is distressing you and has made no real move to marry you.

One thing you need to consider is whether you want children. This man could well walk away from you and start a family elsewhere when it is too late for you to have kids. Decide what you want now so you do not regret things in the future.

Bloodyel · 08/12/2023 22:14

If he's still spouting these empty promises just reply 'cool*'

Then and hour later '*heckin' story bro'

CruCru · 08/12/2023 23:18

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 08/12/2023 14:28

Arranged marriages suggest love isn't that important. They seem to manage fine.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s a bit off topic but the people I know who had arranged marriages were more introduced to suitable boys - rather than having it sprung on them. I think love comes but it can take some time. For it to work the couple need to have shared values.

captainmarvella · 09/12/2023 06:39

Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale · 08/12/2023 20:35

Well this is the thing, when I previously said I was leaving it makes him panic, which I understand, and he comes out with all this yeah let's get married, let's do it etc. And then when I speak about booking things he gets hesitant and panics.

Does it not tell you everything you need to know about this man, if he is this wishy washy and scared? What kind of father would he be? Imagine when kids enter this equation and he strings them along like this, breaking their hearts over and over again? OP, why are your standards so low? JFC why'd you even want to have a family with this guy? Like someone else said the first sign of a hard day - and I will guarantee you this having kids means some or other crisis, having non stop decisions to make and commitments to stand by, every single day of your life - he will either bolt or he will be so absent you will basically be a single mother. Why would you ever agree to such a future?

You should actually be thankful that this man child has shown you who he is before you got legally tied to him - come on OP, you are a functioning adult, you should know by now that when someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! Don't believe the craap that bad movies and books have fed you, that you can change a bad man into a good one by the power of your love (if you didn't achieve this so far, you are not going to achieve it after you a legal paper or after you have a baby). Don't be one of those statistics, those poor women who keep hanging on to horrible men and believing their useless words. Words are very easy to say, actions is what tell you how sincere a man is - you know very well what his actions have been. This alone is enough proof that you have taken the right decision. One year from now you will look back at this time and thank yourself for doing this.