Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

I knew he would try to rope you back in with ‘okay let’s get married/ have kids’ talk. And why wouldn’t he? It seems that it’s worked for him so many times before.

“Oh shoot, she wants to leave - I’ll tell her what she wants to hear to make her stay. When the pressures off I’ll tell her I can’t - I’m too scared” 🙄

Pls just remember that you will never ever get married or have children with this man. He doesn’t want to commit to you. If you fall for this never ending cycle. You’ll be 4 years down the line and in the same situation - kicking yourself you didn’t leave earlier and find someone who would’ve cherished you.

If by divine intervention you were able to (drag him) down the aisle, he would resent you as he obviously doesn’t want that.

When someone shows you who they are and what they think of you - BELIEVE THEM!!

If he's not planning for next week, he can stay were he is. Please.

I went back for the rest of my stuff, he wasn't there, and on the table was a wedding invitation for me and him from a female friend of his, who's younger. That hurt a bit seeing the invitation, but I'm doing the right thing.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. Do you now have all your stuff? If so, how will you hand back your key?

OP, I just want to wish you all the very best. I am sure you will meet someone LOVELY and look back and thank God you didn't spend any more time on this guy.

You are doing the right thing op and will be happy in future.

They say 'judge by actions not words'
What has he ever done to make marriage and children more likely?

You look after him and tend to him when life doesn't give him riches...

He is the child in your relationship and he isn't willing to give that role up to a real baby.

He hasn't replied to my last text several days later, I bet he's probably glad I've left now. It shouldn't hurt but it does

Why are you still texting him? Do you want him to beg you to come back and marry you? That wont last. You know from experience. Even frogmarching someone up the aisle wont stop them from leaving when you are pregnant or have endless sleepless nights with a crying baby that they never wanted and aren't interested in. Time to really move on now.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, which is inevitable in the short term but look at his actions. He hasn't grabbed this situation back because he really wanted to be with you long term, he has accepted it. This confirms what you were coming to know, that you deserve more. You'll find more. Do you have friends around you to do something nice for an evening or meet for a catch up and chat?

Im not still texting him as such, it was my last text explaining why I left the other day. I'm trying to keep busy, looking forward to the future, and have my works Christmas party coming up so that'll be good.

Good for you OP. If you waiver, just read your own words at the top of this thread. Have a great time at all the Christmas parties and make sure that guy at work knows youre single!

You’ve dumped him. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t feel like responding to lots of text messages and having deep conversations. Maybe he’s contemplating Christmas alone etc? Making plans for managing the home in his own etc. he may have been an arse but doesn’t mean the relationship ending might have hit him by surprise and thus he isnt feeling like responding to you.

Yes absolutely. It's not lots of texts, it was just one explaining. I do feel incredibly guilty for it, and I do wish I could go back but I just know that he still wouldn't want to commit so there is no point. You're right though. This is the first time in 12 years I've actually ended things with someone, I guess I was naïve to hope me leaving might make him want to commit, but it probably won't. I'm not criticising him for not wanting to commit, I've just tried to be clear to him that coming home is pointless if nothing changes.
That said I am worrying a lot about if he's eating ok and such.

He's a big boy. It's on him if he won't look after himself properly. Just more evidence of manchild tendencies.

He's not your problem anymore OP.

He is a grown man. You are not his mother. Whether, and what, he is eating is not your problem. You have done the right thing by dumping him. Now, just block him on everything & get on with your life.

That said I am worrying a lot about if he's eating ok and such.

He isn't your responsibility. You aren't his mother. He is an adult and perfectly capable of looking after himself.

I know I'm not, it's just that I did most of the shopping, cleaning, washing etc. and I just want him to manage. I'm still paying the rent until the tenancy runs out in 2 months, it's only a tiny flat so I'm sure he will be ok managing it, I'm just trying not to worry.

Uh well thank god you're not marrying him then, OP.

Hopefully you will find a man who wants to marry and have children with you AND pulls his weight at home, and you'll be wondering what you ever saw in this man-child loser.

Tbh looking back I didn't mind doing it as I cared for him and love him plus I enjoyed doing the shopping etc. But maybe I shouldn't have ..

You’re worried he’s such a wet wipe he can’t even feed himself? And you were considering marrying him??!!!

Honestly OP, if you can afford it, I would get some counselling for yourself to try to avoid choosing such a loser next time around.

When you say you’re paying the rent, you do mean just half don’t you?

OP, he’s a grown man who has presumably coped without you before. If he’s hungry, he will have to cook or get a takeaway. If he needs shopping, he will have to get off his arse and go to Tesco. Runs out of pants? He’ll have to do some washing. He isn’t going to starve.

He’s going to have to learn he doesn’t get to enjoy the benefits of having a live in partner to look after him if he’s not willing to commit.

So you worked 47 hours a week, shopped, cooked, cleaned, fed him, signed him up for courses he didnt do and earned the most while he slobbed around in a dead end job moaning about not earning enough to marry you but not bithering yo do anything about it, at the age of 30? What a great father to your children he would have been!

I agree with this. I think you should invest in some therapy or counselling. He could spot you from a mile off, and so will others willing to take advantage of you.

OP if your name is on the tenancy agreement do make sure that you let the Landlord/Agents know that you have left and no longer want your name on any renewal.