To ask how anyone manages school drop offs and going to work?

[BobbidyBibbidyBob]

Maybe I live in a bubble but bear with me.. I am expecting my first child. I currently leave the house at 07.30 and return home circa 19.30 5 days a week (commute to london circa 1.45hrs).

Now, I am aware this isn't necessarily sustainable, but the nursery we will likely use offer 07.30-18.30, so not too difficult to work with. But we live next to a primary school, drop off seems to be circa 08.40. Am I an idiot for wondering how people (seemingly mostly mothers) manage this and get to a job for 9am? Do they just.. not? I find it hard to believe they all have cushty wfh jobs with flexibility but maybe i am wrong? Work part-time? Use childminders or family to do drop offs?

Please someone tell me how you managed this. i haven't even had the baby and am worried about it!

breakfast club
childminder
or tag teaming with the other parent

DH and I workplaces and DC school all within 2 miles of home. DH did AM school run and I did PM school run.

It's usually way easier for parents to combine nursery and work than school and work. School holidays are hard to accommodate for lots of families where both parents work.

Basically OP the UK is not very family friendly, that's why a lot more people are now having zero kids or just one kid.

It's easy to advise choosing a school.with good wrap around care, much harder in real life if you don't get your first or second choice school.

What helped us was planning our second dc (and yes we were very fortunate with conceiving relatively quickly) to be born during dd1's reception year, and then in year 1 doing an in year transfer to a new school which is near my work and does wraparound care (only a 20 min drive away but does make a huge difference). In year transfers are so much more of a known entity than the reception applications, so made it much more plannable for us. Dd2 is high on the preference list due to sibling links.

For us, it's a combination of:

Hybrid working (we have four days of the week covered with two days each WFH);

Breakfast club, and a boss/working culture that can be understanding of a slightly late start one day a week;

Grandparents doing pickup one day a week.

We've found that nursery was the easy bit, tbh - drop off at 08:00, or even 07:30, if necessary, and pick up at 18:00 or 18:30. It's school hours and holidays that are the tricky part. I've just started a new job and told my new manager today that I'd probably be late in one day this week because of the school/ nursery run and he looked at me like I was mad for mentioning it and said 'We don't take attendance here! - I'm incredibly lucky to be in that sort of environment.

It’s worth looking at what the drop is to 4 days, it’s what I did. It actually wasn’t as bad in net pay terms as I thought.

DH also changed from a field based role to 100% WFH. So between us we have managed to get a good balance. I haven’t sacrificed career and DH wanted to change his (I’m main earner).

But I admit I went from career focused non maternal woman to full on earth mother (extended breastfeeding, cloth nappy advocate, attachment parent etc) - much to everyone’s shock including mine. I didn’t give a shiny shit about work after DD arrived and although I still do it, it’s no longer something I value much apart from the pay!

We don't have a long commute - we chose to stay in London and live centrally which means I can walk to work in 25 mins. I drop off my DC at school at 8am then get to work by 8.30am. School is a 5 min walk from home. DC does an activity club most days so she finishes at 4.20pm. I leave the office at 3.55, pick her up then continue to work after dinner. Occasionally she'll stay at after school care which is open until 6pm if there's something that keeps me in the office, but she finds it a bit boring as it's just a few things like craft and Lego with a few adults supervising, rather than guided activities like drama or dance like the activity clubs.

Quite a few families at our school are couples working long hours. They mostly have nannies. I've heard the DC mention that their nannies deal with dinner bath and bed as the parents have to work so late (and early starts too). They give far more flexibility than wraparound care especially as they'll ferry DCs to the better after school activities (rather than being limited to the ones on the school site).We couldn't afford one but I'm happier sharing dinnertime and bedtimes with my DCs.

Mix of
A) childminder
B) tag team with husband - one starts a bit early/leaves a bit early, other does lates, alternate etc
C) part time - 4 or 4.5 days worth of hours spread over 5 days
D) some days wfh, both dh & I

Why would you be sorting out and juggling it all?
If you have a partner, if has to be a joint effort or it’s just a nightmare for one person.

For us, if one of us is dropping off or picking up; the other is working.
So DH works some lates so I can get to work really early and then I pick up from after school club. I do one drop off at 8am at before school club - that’s my worst part of the week as it’s so rushed and stressed because one is at school and one nursery but that is for my second job where I can book in work flexibly when I need it.

DH also has one day off in the week, which saved us a fortune in childcare costs, where he has the 4 year old and drops and picks up school child so I don’t have to worry and can work as early and late as I need. But he works one day of the weekend.

It is hard! And the tiredness is insane!

Nanny or au pair, depending on finances/room at home. It is impossible to work 'office hours', even with breakfast and tea club you can't get there and back in time

@BobbidyBibbidyBob now is the time to have the conversation. It shouldn’t be all or nothing for you. Too many women are the ones that leave their careers to make childcare work. I told my partner to start laying the groundwork while I was pregnant that he expected to put in a flexi request.

you and your partner can compress your hours, stagger start and finish times and request a certain number of days working from home. For example, me and my partner both compress 10 days of work into 9 days so we each have every other Friday off. He starts earlier than me (I do drop off) and he finishes first (he does pick up). We have both made the same compromises and therefore we don’t lose in salary or progression.

definitely ask your partner what compromises they will be making to be more flexible in supporting your family and also talk openly about your expectations with your employers.

your problem here is such a long commute - it’s not sustainable every day of the week. What industry/career requires you in the office so often?

A realisation London hours and lifestyle in a professional job doesn't work with family. It's that reason why law firms often recruit 100% female trainees and have done for the last 10 years but yet the women at partnership level (or indeed women past the age of 34) are approx 10% of the workforce.

Whilst in London we did staggered starts and flexed hours. However we then realised we were barely seeing each other (dropping hours isn't sustainable when you're paying Suburban London house prices either for a naice area).

Moved out. Much better lifestyle. Work fully from home. Now one of many ex Londoners who "previously was in the City".

Sucks.

Your alternative is some kind of live in Nanny. But that doesn't account for the guilt of never seeing your kids either.

Also your commute is very long - imho it doesn't work with kids both parents having such long commutes unless you can wfh at least some days. If you can't ever work from home one of you needs to work nearer home/school.

I have quite the feeling this might happen to me too.. in fact I sort of hope it does!! I am career/money focused and non maternal, brainwashed by working in an all male company for too long. Bring on my hippy mama era!

DH and I can be flexible when needed so when DC starts school, we will share drop offs and pick ups. I now WFH the vast majority of the time.

If that wasn't an option, we'd try and opt for a school with wraparound care.

Your career takes a hit in my experience! Go into it with your eyes open. You need a tolerant employer and to be very good at your job. I found primary absolutely draining, like going back in time. The school will acknowledge you work in theory, but in practice, you will find nearly zero consideration displayed.

I thought it was worse than my own childhood where my mother did not have to attend nor support a million school events or requirements nor navigate the class WhatsApp.

Breakfast club and after school club and WFH as much as you can

I plan on using the flexibility I have at work to do it. But I got this flexibility with YEARS of doing the ridiculous hours and the jobs noone wanted to do to get myself in a position where I am afforded it.

Before and after school club, grandparents and changing my working hours 8-2

This. And I say this because I thought I could do that. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be worried about school yet.

Even nurseries finish at 6. So you need to leave wherever you work from to get to nursery for 6. Or pay someone to pick your kids up from nursery. That all cost me £2300 per month and by the time I got home
from work at 7.30pm they were in bed. So I didn’t see them all week. I didn’t last with those hours and young children for long.

An no after school club is open until 7.30pm. Mine were around 5/6pm.

Yeah OP I used to go out at 6.30 and get home at 7 doing the long commute etc. I never saw my daughter. Then covid hit and wfh for 2 years and thought wtf am I doing? I found a job closer to home and wfh 2-3 days a week. DH does shift work so around some of the time, grandparents do some of the drops etc. It's a logistical nightmare for most people!

I did similar to you before kids

Now I mostly WFH, bought a house close to school & station and decided to go with a private school that allows 8am drop off as standard

Also - don’t assume baby / child will cope with childcare until 6.30 each day - mine goes nuts if not in bed by 6.30 ! So realistically I have to pick up at 5 latest

When looking at schools don’t just ask if after school clubs exist, check if they are over-subscribed or actually have spaces available

I work for my local authority, full time x 5 days a week. The pay is relatively shit by Mumsnet standards (32,000 pa) but………and it’s a big but…….my boss is lovely, has full on understanding about times when I need to drop the mike at 3pm sharpish to go on the school run, she doesn’t bat an eyelid if I log on 10 mins late, and I work from home full time as well. My office is literally 5 mins down the road; I can go there or WFH as I please. As a mum, it’s great.

The culture is very female friendly and so flexible. I see my kids in the morning and when they come home from school - DH and I divvy the pickups between us and I feed them at 4.30 - I then log on a bit later to make up the hours and everything just works. I would not, could not do a job that didn’t fit round my family no matter what the salary.

You may find you need to embrace a different working life as when you have kids you will want to be present for them and your priorities do change. You won’t want to do long commutes, spend hours in the office, not see them much before bedtime. It will change you in that way

I work FT but in a flexible job that's fully WFH. I wouldn't have thought a job with a 1h45 commute is normal for most people, nor sustainable with young children.

This.

You should go into parenting with an assumption of 50/50 between you and DH. You've said in an earlier post that your commutes and careers/salaries are similar level so why would the expectation be that you will let yours slide while his grows?

In our house I do drop off, DH does pick up. That allows us to both work full time just slightly different start and end times. DH finishes work earlier than me, so he picks DD up and then comes home and gets dinner sorted. I start work later than DH so I do drop off and a quick tidy around in the morning.

We both do any house chores equally in the evenings or weekend and now she's a bit older DD helps too.