Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated DS is 'posh' like DH?

402 replies

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:44

Ok slightly clickbaity title but please don't flame - supposed to be (sort of) lighthearted!

I am early 40s, DH early-mid 50s. We have 1 DS, who is 13. (who we both totally adore).

I am Scottish and from a very loving, but very ordinary background. My parents were a primary school teacher and a countryside ranger / handyman / tour guide.

DH is from a v. posh part of London and from a family where his mother was basically an heiress + his father a lawyer. They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous. I don't quite know how we've ended up together but we do love each other. (even though he has voted Tory in the past)

I was stunned that as soon as our DS started talking, he's just sounded exactly like DH. Despite my best efforts to teach him how to use the short 'a' in words (e.g. 'bath') out it comes as if he's been living in Surrey all his life, and as if he didn't have a Scottish bone in his body.

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

The other day it emerged DS knows all the distinctions in importance for various noble titles and ranks of the armed forces etc because DH has essentially taught him all this stuff 'because he just ought to know it 🤔'

  • *I have taken DS back to my home several times, which he agrees under duress is beautiful, but he already seems more at home in DH's world.

There are some differences in parenting as well - DH assumed we would get a nanny, despite only living in a flat and having quite flexible jobs, and he wants to send DS to some posh boys' camp in the summer (in the UK) that he used to go to with his brothers.

I love DH and DS but I am disturbed by seeing just how strong those English public school genes are from generation to generation ... and I can't quite understand how I, a proud Scottish highlands woman, have somehow contributed to this!

OP posts:
Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:47

On a more serious note, AIBU for feeling irritated by this? Is anyone else in a marriage with different social backgrounds like this?
It didn't feel like an issue when we got together, just funny - but DS seems so totally different from (e.g.) my parents, our little house in a small Scottish town. I find it all a bit odd. I was raised to resist the English ruling class and now I seem to have married into it ...

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 05/12/2023 07:48

Does he say scohne or scon? Grin

ACynicalDad · 05/12/2023 07:48

Can’t be that bad, you married it. Should have married a crofter or something.

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:50

ACynicalDad · 05/12/2023 07:48

Can’t be that bad, you married it. Should have married a crofter or something.

In an alternate life... my first boyfriend was a crofter actually.

I work in a creative career & DH and I got together originally because we share a lot of cultural interests. It was all a bit of a whirlwind - he's older as wel - and now here we are 12 years later...

OP posts:
Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:51

BaronessBomburst · 05/12/2023 07:48

Does he say scohne or scon? Grin

Haha, I have trained him to say 'scon' but no such luck with the rest of it!

OP posts:
pastypirate · 05/12/2023 07:52

The army titles is hilarious! Tell us more!

TheYear2000 · 05/12/2023 07:54

Well, sounds like you need to make sure you are instilling just as strong a sense of your cultural heritage!
Make sure he knows Scottish expressions, songs, tv shows, books etc too and is proud of them. It is your son's heritage too!

QueenBean22 · 05/12/2023 07:54

Are there any parts of your Scottish heritage you are keen to share with him? He sounds very much like a father’s boy, does DS connect with you well?

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 05/12/2023 07:55

It’s weird when children became teenagers. They speak and identify with who they want to be. Your son has grown up in an international environment and not in Scotland. His memories aren’t yours.

MrsBigTed · 05/12/2023 07:55

I feel your frustration. Not quite the same for me, but i was determined to have children who would resist gender stereotypes, who would be free to choose their own hobbies and interests. I've now got two boys who want nothing more than to be covered in mud, playing football, and chasing girls with worms. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??? TWICE

kshaw · 05/12/2023 07:55

BaronessBomburst · 05/12/2023 07:48

Does he say scohne or scon? Grin

This isn't a sign of 'posh' I'm from a very working class area of West Yorkshire with a strong accent and pronounce scone properly, like it's spelled 😂

petitepeach · 05/12/2023 07:57

Is this a joke?

NuffSaidSam · 05/12/2023 07:57

Your mistake is raising him on neutral ground. To stand any chance of fighting the noble genes you needed to raise him in Scotland.

All you can hope now is that he follows in his father's footsteps and marries a good, down to earth Scottish lassy.

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/12/2023 07:57

I'm like your ds in this situation, except my parents were divorced.

It's turned out to be quite useful. I am comfortable in the 'posh' circles, but see their bs for what it is...I mostly speak posh, but can turn it off when I need to. I live internationally too, and I look at all the class stuff from the outside and cannot see the point. People are people.

Nothingbuttheglory · 05/12/2023 07:58

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

International schools are posh. Your ds' friends are Hooray Henry's, Heinrichs, Henris and Hongs. Your ds' accent will be most strongly influenced by his peers, not his parents.

Take him shooting and skiing. Seems like the bit of the Venn diagram where 'posh' and 'Highlands' intersect.

GreatGateauxsby · 05/12/2023 07:59

I understand but an on school won't exactly encourage a Scottish accent...and I imagine yours is more rounded from international living.

Intrigued to know the name of the UK "posh boy camp"....?!?

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:59

pastypirate · 05/12/2023 07:52

The army titles is hilarious! Tell us more!

I was sitting with my DSIS and a couple of our friends, who came to visit us in France. For some reason I was telling a story about an army major I'd met (because bloody DH attracts these types wherever he goes...) and we were just about to google the ranks, when DS listed them from memory + it emerged that DH has taught DS e.g.: army ranks, how Oxbridge works, and what counts as the real Home Counties .... apparently this has all just 'come up in conversation' but there we are.

Then DSIS says 'oh God, you've created a little public schoolboy' which sent shivers down both our spines...

His Grandfather (DH's dad) is another matter - actively explaining to him the dangers of having to pay inheritance tax...

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 05/12/2023 07:59

We live in a European country where he attends an international School

This is the "problem". If you'd raised him in a remote Highland Croft he'd be <<enter stereotypically Scottish activity like haggis rearing in a kilt>>

bungletru · 05/12/2023 07:59

I stopped reading after you said he voted Tory… yikes 🤣🤣🤣

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:59

MrsBigTed · 05/12/2023 07:55

I feel your frustration. Not quite the same for me, but i was determined to have children who would resist gender stereotypes, who would be free to choose their own hobbies and interests. I've now got two boys who want nothing more than to be covered in mud, playing football, and chasing girls with worms. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??? TWICE

Yes, exactly! I feel slightly relieved I've managed to make DS a bit 'arty' like me but that's it so far...!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 08:02

It’s weird when children became teenagers. They speak and identify with who they want to be. Your son has grown up in an international environment and not in Scotland. His memories aren’t yours

Agree with this.When children are raised somewhere that is neutral/neither of their parents' areas they find their own identity.

Given your son is at an international school, which is hardly a UK state comp, and his father's background it makes sense that his father has taught him information that will be useful for the circles he's likely to mix. You can do the same by sharing your Scottish heritage too. He'll pick and mix parts from both of your backgrounds as he finds his own feet.

Your sister's comment about you creating a proper public school boy is really mean in my opinion and sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder.

Doingmybest12 · 05/12/2023 08:02

You've married into wealth and a certain social strata , your child goes to international school, he spends a lot of time with your husband who teaches him all the stuff about titles etc or he is learning from school ,you live away from Scotland and you are surprised there is a disconnect. Many parents are nostalgic about their own childhoods etc but he isn't a mini me. He is finding his own identity. You can try to balance it up but don't be sad about who he is when it was writ large before you decided to have a child and not discuss how you want to raise him.

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 08:03

Nothingbuttheglory · 05/12/2023 07:58

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

International schools are posh. Your ds' friends are Hooray Henry's, Heinrichs, Henris and Hongs. Your ds' accent will be most strongly influenced by his peers, not his parents.

Take him shooting and skiing. Seems like the bit of the Venn diagram where 'posh' and 'Highlands' intersect.

Haha, 'Hooray Henry's, Heinrichs, Henris and Hongs' made me laugh.

The international school was DH's idea; I was ready to toss DS into the French state school system. But no it had to be 'the right kind of place'. DH's parents are partly paying, and they're totally impossible to resist.

The idea of going shooting and skiing is a very good point...

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 05/12/2023 08:05

kshaw · 05/12/2023 07:55

This isn't a sign of 'posh' I'm from a very working class area of West Yorkshire with a strong accent and pronounce scone properly, like it's spelled 😂

Show quote history

I was looking at it from the Scottish/ Surrey angle, not as a marker of class or 'poshness'.
BTW, I use both interchangeably! I grew up with 'scohnes' and married into 'scons'.

Wellhellooooodear · 05/12/2023 08:05

I'm from the North West but we live in the home counties so my DH and DC all sound 'posh' to me with their generic Southern accents! Barth, gararge, rarspberry, and they have the cheek to take the piss out of my accent! Bloody Southerners 😄

Swipe left for the next trending thread