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Original poster

To be irritated DS is 'posh' like DH?

402 replies

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:44

Ok slightly clickbaity title but please don't flame - supposed to be (sort of) lighthearted!

I am early 40s, DH early-mid 50s. We have 1 DS, who is 13. (who we both totally adore).

I am Scottish and from a very loving, but very ordinary background. My parents were a primary school teacher and a countryside ranger / handyman / tour guide.

DH is from a v. posh part of London and from a family where his mother was basically an heiress + his father a lawyer. They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous. I don't quite know how we've ended up together but we do love each other. (even though he has voted Tory in the past)

I was stunned that as soon as our DS started talking, he's just sounded exactly like DH. Despite my best efforts to teach him how to use the short 'a' in words (e.g. 'bath') out it comes as if he's been living in Surrey all his life, and as if he didn't have a Scottish bone in his body.

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

The other day it emerged DS knows all the distinctions in importance for various noble titles and ranks of the armed forces etc because DH has essentially taught him all this stuff 'because he just ought to know it 🤔'

  • *I have taken DS back to my home several times, which he agrees under duress is beautiful, but he already seems more at home in DH's world.

There are some differences in parenting as well - DH assumed we would get a nanny, despite only living in a flat and having quite flexible jobs, and he wants to send DS to some posh boys' camp in the summer (in the UK) that he used to go to with his brothers.

I love DH and DS but I am disturbed by seeing just how strong those English public school genes are from generation to generation ... and I can't quite understand how I, a proud Scottish highlands woman, have somehow contributed to this!

OP posts:
Halfacnut · 05/12/2023 08:35

MrsMerryMistletoe · 05/12/2023 08:24

Does he say "Aye right"?

😂

NetZeroZealot · 05/12/2023 08:35

The posh way to say scone is with a short 'o' not a long one.

To rhyme with gone not tone.

Brightandbubly · 05/12/2023 08:36

As a Scot would have been impossible for me to marry someone who voted Tory, political values say everything, so you shouldn’t be too surprised how it’s all turned out really

PuttingDownRoots · 05/12/2023 08:38

O/T but ordering scones always makes me anxious about saying it wrong. Literally the only word in the English dictionary that makes me feel like that.

bombastix · 05/12/2023 08:38

Honestly a bit late to start worrying and also a bit inconsistent. You can't have this life yourself and then solemnly inform your children they should in, have values or a lifestyle you are not living yourself.

Everybody do the varsity rag etc

Goodornot · 05/12/2023 08:38

I couldn't be arsed with Scotland either though my mum kept banging on about it.

If she wanted me to love it and sound like her she should have raised me there. But she didn't. She left in her 20s amd never went back. Her choice and yours.

Clydagh · 05/12/2023 08:38

fluffiphlox · 05/12/2023 08:21

Children speak like their peers, that is they speak in whatever they hear at school and International Schools will speak a pretty ’posh’ English.

Yes, DS lived in England till he was eight and, despite having two WC parents with their original regional accent from their home country, sounded deeply cut-glass Home Counties. Now he sounds like his peers where we live now.

OP, you seem to be surprised by finding your DH’s values and social class-related knowledge and attitudes being inculcated in your child, even though it’s not like you didn’t know who you married…?

Halfacnut · 05/12/2023 08:39

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:51

Haha, I have trained him to say 'scon' but no such luck with the rest of it!

Show quote history

If you are oh-so-not-posh, OP, why would you make a point of teaching your DS to say "scon" properly?

Flump8 · 05/12/2023 08:39

Be honest with yourself. Is there an element of racism in your feelings? Do you think there is anything essentially bad or inferior about his English heritage?

Dontwearmysocksplease · 05/12/2023 08:40

I’m a Scot and find this level of chippiness quite embarrassing.

“They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous” - why is someone’s family history ridiculous?

let the kid grow up to be who he turns out to be. Doesn’t really matter what his vowels sound like. If he’s not living in Scotland there’s little likelihood of having a Scottish accent, or a particular fondness for it. Maybe he enjoys learning that stuff his dad teaches him. So what?

my kids were born and raised in south east, they quite like visiting Scotland - do they roam around wearing kilts and speaking like no one else in their friendship group? No.

Sis sounds mean.

Mirabai · 05/12/2023 08:40

Och ye married a sassenach.

xILikeJamx · 05/12/2023 08:40

Try and take your son to a Scotland rugby or football match and go all in - scarves, jimmy hats, flag painted on the face etc. You say you're international and DH is well-to-do, so maybe the Euro 2024 opening game in Munich?

The passion and intensity of the fans, coupled with the inevitable emotion of glorious defeat will hopefully spark the 'Braveheart' gene all Scots seem to have and he'll come round as he gets older.

<insert Burnistoun "Voice activated lift" sketch here>

Dontgivemeplants · 05/12/2023 08:40

It went the opposite way for us. When we marry outside our tribe there can be unexpected repercussions

smilesup · 05/12/2023 08:40

We are the other way round. DH from solid working class Blackpool stock and I'm from Middle Class Cambridge. We live in Leeds. The kids have dumped us both and gone broad Leeds. DH as a Lancashire man is more gutted about the Yorkshire than anything 😁.
I have snuck in some MC bits so they will say sitting room, sofa and drink elderflower cordial. They totally take the piss out of my long aaaaaas

Dontwearmysocksplease · 05/12/2023 08:41

Brightandbubly · 05/12/2023 08:36

As a Scot would have been impossible for me to marry someone who voted Tory, political values say everything, so you shouldn’t be too surprised how it’s all turned out really

Scots Tories exist. They are no less Scottish because they don’t agree with your views. And no, I’m not one.

JudgeJ · 05/12/2023 08:41

CaineRaine · 05/12/2023 08:10

You sound like an inverse snob to be honest.

If you want him to identify with your culture and background, it’s up to you to immerse him in it when you can to make him feel connected to it. And I say that as someone with had kids with a partner from a different culture to mine.

I wonder what she expected when she chose to marry a rich man and accept a very comfortable lifestyle! As has been said if he were sneering at her the reactions would be quite different, he would be metaphorically torn long from limb.

Dontwearmysocksplease · 05/12/2023 08:42

JudgeJ · 05/12/2023 08:41

I wonder what she expected when she chose to marry a rich man and accept a very comfortable lifestyle! As has been said if he were sneering at her the reactions would be quite different, he would be metaphorically torn long from limb.

Show quote history

💯this.

NoCloudsAllowed · 05/12/2023 08:44

Why are you surprised that your private school attending expat child with a wealthy family behind him isn't a spit-and-sawdust Scotsman? Why would he be?

Why are you derogatory about your DH's family? His background is no less valid than yours.

Your ds will have more opportunities in life being raised this way, that's why you're not living in a dreary town in Scotland. You prefer this life. That's why you're living it. You just don't want to admit it to yourself.

EmmaOvary · 05/12/2023 08:44

Oh dear OP, I went to Edinburgh uni and I can promise that Edinburgh, Glasgow and St Andrews are chock-full of privately educated kids, landed gentry and aristocrats.

FastBlueHedgehog · 05/12/2023 08:44

My DH is Scouse -- our DCs don't have Scouse accents because we live in the east of England. One of my husband's relatives asked why the kids had had elocution lessons FFS (they haven't). A Scouse accent isn't genetic and shock horror neither is a Scottish one. My kids don't vote Tory though 🤣

laclochette · 05/12/2023 08:44

I think it can be very very weird for a parent who has such a strong identity, and feels so profoundly and unbreakably connected to their child, to realise that their child has very little connection to their own past and the identity it formed. When I think back to my own relationship with my parents as a child, I basically couldn't conceive of them existing before I was born, let alone have a distinct cultural or national identity other than the one we currently existed in! That's just how it is, but it is hard - I know lots of second generation immigrants who have this dynamic with their parents.

By raising a child in an "international" environment, he's actually in a posh-leaning environment. Fortunately for him he's completely able to get the best of both worlds, you just need to take as active a role in imparting your own culture and background to him as your DH has. The challenge is that DH's background comes with status and therefore, greater authority, but I'm sure you can make your stories and knowledge just as meaningful and appealing to DS 😊

KimberleyClark · 05/12/2023 08:44

NetZeroZealot · 05/12/2023 08:35

The posh way to say scone is with a short 'o' not a long one.

To rhyme with gone not tone.

I’m Welsh and have always said scon and so has my DH and he’s a northerner (Manc). Neither of us is remotely posh.

MintJulia · 05/12/2023 08:44

Why would you mind? Your dh is a product of that system and you love him, so it can't be all bad.

My Ex has a similar issue. My ds lives with me and plays rugby, and likes archery, shooting, maths and physics. Ex is a Man Utd fan. not academic at all and is horrified.

But no skill or knowledge is bad. Just different.

Cornettoninja · 05/12/2023 08:45

NetZeroZealot · 05/12/2023 08:35

The posh way to say scone is with a short 'o' not a long one.

To rhyme with gone not tone.

Scon/scone is a really odd one to me.

my hull bred grandmother always said scone and sounded really posh to midlands bred me. She wasn’t ‘posh’ as such but was very ladylike and precise. It’s a real mix of who pronounces it and how.

I think I’ve concluded that pronunciation is the least reliable indicator of class status that there is. Jacob Rees Mogg sounds posher than the king and his grandfather was a lorry driver/car salesman.

biter · 05/12/2023 08:45

Ah don't worry , he's young yet and still to face his rebellious stage where he with eschew his public schoolboy traits. Or not. 😬

My parents are both from the midlands and I (as one client memorably commented) "have the whiff of the public school girl ' about me 😬😂. Sometimes it just happens. Obviously I have posh genes somewhere down the line (I don't, officially they are all v working class - maybe there is some inter-class scandal of days gone by?).

All you can do is to indoctrinate help your son not to be a Tory so you can salvage some dignity in the matter?