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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated DS is 'posh' like DH?

402 replies

highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 07:44

Ok slightly clickbaity title but please don't flame - supposed to be (sort of) lighthearted!

I am early 40s, DH early-mid 50s. We have 1 DS, who is 13. (who we both totally adore).

I am Scottish and from a very loving, but very ordinary background. My parents were a primary school teacher and a countryside ranger / handyman / tour guide.

DH is from a v. posh part of London and from a family where his mother was basically an heiress + his father a lawyer. They can trace their family back for generations and it's all a bit ridiculous. I don't quite know how we've ended up together but we do love each other. (even though he has voted Tory in the past)

I was stunned that as soon as our DS started talking, he's just sounded exactly like DH. Despite my best efforts to teach him how to use the short 'a' in words (e.g. 'bath') out it comes as if he's been living in Surrey all his life, and as if he didn't have a Scottish bone in his body.

We live in a European country where he attends an international School, which is private but has kids from all over the world, so it's not as if he's even surrounded by little Hooray Henrys.

The other day it emerged DS knows all the distinctions in importance for various noble titles and ranks of the armed forces etc because DH has essentially taught him all this stuff 'because he just ought to know it 🤔'

  • *I have taken DS back to my home several times, which he agrees under duress is beautiful, but he already seems more at home in DH's world.

There are some differences in parenting as well - DH assumed we would get a nanny, despite only living in a flat and having quite flexible jobs, and he wants to send DS to some posh boys' camp in the summer (in the UK) that he used to go to with his brothers.

I love DH and DS but I am disturbed by seeing just how strong those English public school genes are from generation to generation ... and I can't quite understand how I, a proud Scottish highlands woman, have somehow contributed to this!

OP posts:
Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 08:05

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/12/2023 07:57

I'm like your ds in this situation, except my parents were divorced.

It's turned out to be quite useful. I am comfortable in the 'posh' circles, but see their bs for what it is...I mostly speak posh, but can turn it off when I need to. I live internationally too, and I look at all the class stuff from the outside and cannot see the point. People are people.

Yes, I'm hoping it will be like that. I have been trying to share my values: enjoying the simpler things, voting Labour , recognising his privilege. And he can see there is some BS in it all ( I hope). But the glitz and glamour of some of the places DH / DH's family have taken him is probably quite appealing...

OP posts:
chickenpieandchips · 05/12/2023 08:05

He's at a private international school. You don't go to one of those without a bit of privilege and some well to do friends. He's 13 so will be influenced by his friends and surroundings and currently Scotland sounds a million miles away from what he's actually living and experiencing. My DH is from Ireland. We live in sarf London. My kids are definitely of london stock!

HappilyContentTheseDays · 05/12/2023 08:06

This post is absolutely weird, even though I know you said 'sort of light-hearted'.
Your DH is, like any parent would, imparting his values and background. Presumably you will also teach your son about the cultural background which is important to you too?

But over and above that, your son is an individual who will grow up choosing to identify with whomsoever he feels most comfortable. Given your very prejudiced and negative views of one sector of society, it seems he's currently happier to identify with your DH. Why not start accepting your family members for who they are?

All this talk about 'Hooray Henrys'.... amazing how equality and diversity and acceptance applies to everyone except those who are labelled "posh" (whatever that means!) in this world. Just live and let live.....

Allfur · 05/12/2023 08:06

He goes to private school

BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2023 08:07

I do hear you op. Not quite so extreme but I am a very proud Black Country woman, and by dint of marrying a southerner, living in the south, I appear to have two southern kids! 🙄 they say barth and other Such nonsense.

however, they did redeem themselves by choosing northern unis and neither are keen to return sarf. Though of course that means I miss them and their silly southern ways 😂

Iamacatslave · 05/12/2023 08:07

Oh dear…

ComfyBoobs · 05/12/2023 08:09

Disliking how someone sounds = reverse snobbery. Same for the rest of your complaints.

Imagine if the boot were on the other foot and your DH was on here complaining about how common your DS sounds. Pretty unattractive.

ACynicalDad · 05/12/2023 08:10

When he’s uni age he may well find that a kilt at the many black tie events he will be invited to makes him much more intriguing to young ladies. We’ll relish his Scottishness then!

CaineRaine · 05/12/2023 08:10

You sound like an inverse snob to be honest.

If you want him to identify with your culture and background, it’s up to you to immerse him in it when you can to make him feel connected to it. And I say that as someone with had kids with a partner from a different culture to mine.

Mummymummy89 · 05/12/2023 08:11

At the root of this is how you feel about your husband, and it doesn't look good.

Dh and I have very different accents, I was raised abroad in an ex-colony and had elocution lessons as standard in primary school so I have cut glass rah voice. Dh has a mild northern accent. Dd goes to a south London nursery and her key worker has a london-caribbean accent. She speaks with a combination of all three of these accents and we find it totally delightful and find it so cute whenever we notice any of the three accents coming out (as opposed to just standard pre schooler lisp). She takes "baffs" and I'm totally fine with it.

You look down on your dh for being posh and liking military trivia. I feel sorry for him. You probably ought to have married some tartan-wearing hunk from the Highlands. Your dh probably knows this. It's a bit unfortunate really.

Mummymummy89 · 05/12/2023 08:14

I'd be beyond offended if dh said something like "ugh she sounds posh just like you" or tried to correct her from saying "glarse" [of water] like I do, and she does.

Also, reflect. If he sounds more like his dad it may well be because his dad talks with him more than you do.

jhy · 05/12/2023 08:15

Not surprising given that you also live that life. Your DS has not lived in Scotland like you and visiting is not the same

shockeditellyou · 05/12/2023 08:15

The OP sounds much more up her own arse than her DH…

DejaVoodoo · 05/12/2023 08:17

You look down on your dh for being posh and liking military trivia. I feel sorry for him. You probably ought to have married some tartan-wearing hunk from the Highlands. Your dh probably knows this. It's a bit unfortunate really

This^
You seems to hate all the things your poor DH is! A shiver ran down your spine when you realised you'd raised a proper little public school boy? Then why did you marry one? Or send your son to a fee paying school? Bonkers.

I'm in the same sort of situation: I'm council house Scots; DH is posh boarding school. Our children are a bit of everything!

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 08:17

BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2023 08:07

I do hear you op. Not quite so extreme but I am a very proud Black Country woman, and by dint of marrying a southerner, living in the south, I appear to have two southern kids! 🙄 they say barth and other Such nonsense.

however, they did redeem themselves by choosing northern unis and neither are keen to return sarf. Though of course that means I miss them and their silly southern ways 😂

Haha yes. 'such nonsense!' and such a surprise to have southern kids! Now. I just need to get the Glasgow UCAS form ready ... five years in advance

OP posts:
NotExactlySuits · 05/12/2023 08:17

Listen, you think that's bad, we're Scottish, living in Scotland, state schools etc. Somehow my DD has a full on Surrey accent. She's only ever been to England once or twice cbeebiesland

It's totally weird, but may be of assistance to her when she's a neurosurgeon in a top London hospital (she's 5 btw 😁)

As for your son, I'd just try to counter the DH influence with some Scottishy stuff. Have you taken him to the Fringe? If you're both artsy that might be a good intro.

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 08:18

DejaVoodoo · 05/12/2023 08:17

You look down on your dh for being posh and liking military trivia. I feel sorry for him. You probably ought to have married some tartan-wearing hunk from the Highlands. Your dh probably knows this. It's a bit unfortunate really

This^
You seems to hate all the things your poor DH is! A shiver ran down your spine when you realised you'd raised a proper little public school boy? Then why did you marry one? Or send your son to a fee paying school? Bonkers.

I'm in the same sort of situation: I'm council house Scots; DH is posh boarding school. Our children are a bit of everything!

That was just me being silly. I do love DH!

OP posts:
TerfTalking · 05/12/2023 08:20

kshaw · 05/12/2023 07:55

This isn't a sign of 'posh' I'm from a very working class area of West Yorkshire with a strong accent and pronounce scone properly, like it's spelled 😂

Show quote history

Snap, me too! pronunciation and West Yorkshire.

It's a scone not a scon.

Original poster
highlandsabroad · 05/12/2023 08:20

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 08:02

It’s weird when children became teenagers. They speak and identify with who they want to be. Your son has grown up in an international environment and not in Scotland. His memories aren’t yours

Agree with this.When children are raised somewhere that is neutral/neither of their parents' areas they find their own identity.

Given your son is at an international school, which is hardly a UK state comp, and his father's background it makes sense that his father has taught him information that will be useful for the circles he's likely to mix. You can do the same by sharing your Scottish heritage too. He'll pick and mix parts from both of your backgrounds as he finds his own feet.

Your sister's comment about you creating a proper public school boy is really mean in my opinion and sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder.

I should add, she said that when he was out of the room and as a joke - she loves him too but finds it funny he is turning out so like DH. She has two lovely little very Scottish kids!

OP posts:
Neonttasselll · 05/12/2023 08:20

I suppose this is what happens when you have a kid with a posho. This culture hasn't survived for so long for no reason. This absolutely will not be the last of it. I'd start thinking about the stuff that matter in your values and focus on instilling them into your child.

leafinthewind · 05/12/2023 08:21

The vagaries of genetics are fascinating. We have friends with a son who could be a clone of his (older) dad. Suits, slacks, shirts, hats... he's probably got a cane stashed away somewhere. His mum had a nice line in mock despair, but of course she loves them both. She does think the kid is setting himself up for mockery, but the kid is basically an adult now and seems not to care. He is who he is, and the rest of the world can go hang. I wish I had a bit more of his attitude, in some ways! Maybe that's the line to take? It's great that he feels bullet-proof enough to forge that path. (For those saying that international school kids are posh... They are privileged, sure, but the British class system is a law unto itself!)

fluffiphlox · 05/12/2023 08:21

Children speak like their peers, that is they speak in whatever they hear at school and International Schools will speak a pretty ’posh’ English.

Desolatewardrobe · 05/12/2023 08:21

Surely there are elements of this in any family with parents from different backgrounds? Neither DH or I is remotely posh but we’re from different parts of the country with different accents and interests. The kids have elements of both accents and know more about some of DH’s stuff than I do because they chat about it. Maybe it’s easier to see how it happens if one half of the couple doesn’t feel in some way ‘superior’ to the other? Your partner’s heritage is also your son’s in a way that it isn’t yours - it’s a weird thought in a family but it’s true for us all when we have kids.

Fidelius · 05/12/2023 08:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Brackenfield · 05/12/2023 08:23

In the spirit of the light heartedness you intended, of course YANBU.

I'm Irish and lived in England a long time, and very much related to Cillian Murphy moving back home when his kids started sounding English ;)

That said, he's at an international school, he's definitely going to pick up that "twang". Could be worse, I grew up abroad, international school in Asia, and whilst I just about held on to my accent, my younger sister developed a very odd accent as a result, more american than British.

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