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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend says we’d be selfish to start fertility investigations now - advice needed

150 replies

Towliney · 04/12/2023 15:16

Fiancé and I stopped birth control around 5 years ago opting to “see what happens”. Despite regularly DTD, a private sperm test (normal) and regular cycles on my end, we’ve had no BFP. Various life events (and a bit of denial) have prevented us from starting fertility investigations before.

Our wedding is in summer 2024 and we really do want to start a family afterwards. We’re both 30 and conscious that NHS lead fertility investigations/ treatment take time, so are considering initiating the process now, with the hope of getting pregnant after our wedding, but not before. A close friend I confided in about this (who herself required fertility treatment to conceive) said it would be selfish to ‘play the system’ like this and start the process before we are actually ready to conceive. I was quite hurt as she said we’d be taking that opportunity away from another couple that would do anything to conceive right away rather than down the line. We are so new to this process and would appreciate some advice. WIBU of us to start fertility investigations off now or is the GP going to laugh in our faces if we tell them our timelines?

OP posts:

Sugarfree23 · 04/12/2023 23:03

The odds of even being offer clomid before summer is probably quiet low anyway.

OK at one point it was suggested that the NHS should do 3 rounds of clomid before doing tests. As opposed to after doing tests, trying to cut the number of test done. However even at that Op still needs to get referral to 'assisted conception' and that initial wait which is unlikely to be less than 16wks.
Even if she was offered clomid in April, she'd only be 16ish weeks at the wedding.

5years of TTC, and we'll assume Op has fairly regular cycles, it's pretty unlikely clomid would work.

TheUsualChaos · 04/12/2023 23:06

Ignore her! Why is she being so unsupportive. 5 years and no BFP. The NHS waiting times are worse than ever, get yourselves on the waiting list asap. Good luck OP.

Flyhigher · 05/12/2023 07:01

If you make egg white mucus you are fertile. Look out for it. Best test there is. Only 1 day a month you can get pregnant. Can be easily missed.

CharlotteBog · 05/12/2023 08:31

Flyhigher · 05/12/2023 07:01

If you make egg white mucus you are fertile. Look out for it. Best test there is. Only 1 day a month you can get pregnant. Can be easily missed.

Not true on both counts.

Original poster

Towliney · 05/12/2023 08:53

Thank you so much everyone. A definite wake up call for us! Making a GP app today!
To clarify, if we did (by some miracle) get seen and fall pregnant before the wedding, we would of course be overjoyed and keep it, even though it’s not the timing we’d choose.

OP posts:

Sugarfree23 · 05/12/2023 08:54

Flyhigher · 05/12/2023 07:01

If you make egg white mucus you are fertile. Look out for it. Best test there is. Only 1 day a month you can get pregnant. Can be easily missed.

Don't talk nonsense. She's been trying for 5 years. There is an issue, either with her or her DP.

Op Fingers crossed 🤞 it's an easy fix. But be prepared for a long rough ride.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/12/2023 09:02

Why are you listening to your friend?

Is she a medical practitioner?

" playing the system "....? 🙄

It's not a Waitrose Slot for groceries.

morechocolateneededtoday · 05/12/2023 09:15

Please ignore your 'friend' and start investigations asap. She is either being incredibly selfish herself (and wanting for you to suffer longer because she did) or completely ignorant. If you went to your GP now, you would first be referred for a basic scan and bloods which would take at least a month, following this there will be more scans and investigations. If you are incredibly lucky, you may have some answers before your wedding but the chances of you having started any form of treatment is miniscule.

By not using contraception for so long, you have effectively been trying for 5 years. The NHS offers to start investigations once you have been trying for one so you are absolutely entitled to full investigations at this point

Skyglimmer · 05/12/2023 09:21

As others have said I would get started now. I went through fertility treatment and there was a waiting list and then the investigation tests took some time, it was a slow process. You might not even started until after your wedding.

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 11:33

Op, I'd go private. An appointment and clomid is 250 gbp and 170 gbp. It might lead to a baby.

Sorry to ask. Are you erm well slightly cuddly?

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 11:35

Flyhigher · 05/12/2023 07:01

If you make egg white mucus you are fertile. Look out for it. Best test there is. Only 1 day a month you can get pregnant. Can be easily missed.

Sperm can survive 5 days in utero... What if she has adhesions or scarring to her uterus?

Original poster

Towliney · 05/12/2023 12:26

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 11:33

Op, I'd go private. An appointment and clomid is 250 gbp and 170 gbp. It might lead to a baby.

Sorry to ask. Are you erm well slightly cuddly?

Thank you, it’s definitely something we’d be willing to consider, but keen to get whatever tests we can on the NHS at least initially. I now have a form for a day 21 progesterone blood test which I’m told is the first step.

I’m not overweight, don’t smoke or have any other health issues.

OP posts:

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 12:32

Best of luck xx

MzHz · 05/12/2023 12:35

Why would you listen to your friend at all? she sounds awful and is clearly unsupportive of you.

You need to make the decisions that work for you. the fact that you have not fallen PG in 5 years is a clear indicator that this situation warrants closer inspection and investigation.

perhaps learn one thing from this, DON'T discuss your private issues with her, or even with other friends or family. Everyone has an opinion, but they are not you and they have not been living this situation for the last 5 years.

All the very, very best of luck to you both (((hug)))

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 13:50

Are you "cuddling" every 2-3 days?

CharlotteBog · 05/12/2023 13:53

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 13:50

Are you "cuddling" every 2-3 days?

You know you can say the word sex on here. Or intercourse.
Cuddling ain't gonna make a baby!

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 21:39

It does if his penis ejaculates...

Frosty1000 · 05/12/2023 22:01

My advice would be to start putting money aside for private treatment. I was added to the NHS list when I was 32. By the time we got to the top to even see someone I was nearly 34. I was refused treatment due to the cut off being 35 and by the time I'd get to do it I'd be too old.

Went private in the end as I didn't want to look back and say what if. The tests took days rather than years and it felt like a very different service than NHS.

My IVF baby is 8 now.

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 22:06

I had my last child at 35 - there was a genuine attitude and I was called "a geriatric mother", I pointed out if I was truely that old then I wouldn't have got pregnant. Please op consider a private appt. Time is not on your side.

Sugarfree23 · 05/12/2023 22:16

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 21:39

It does if his penis ejaculates...

Your talking to grown-ups we don't need baby talk like cuddles or special cuddles. Call it what it is, sex, or intercourse.
Its sometimes known on forums as DTD, Doing the Dance, or Doing the Baby Dance.

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 22:20

Does it really matter? You are aware what I meant.

wjpa · 05/12/2023 22:21

Friend is not a friend.

Bluesky85 · 05/12/2023 22:29

As others have said this is a long, slow process. Each step takes forever. And if at the end of it all they approve you for IVF, you don’t have to do it straight away. I think they’d understand if you ask to wait a few months for your wedding, for example.

Snowdogsmitten · 05/12/2023 22:46

DragonMumE · 05/12/2023 13:50

Are you "cuddling" every 2-3 days?

You asked if the OP was fat by saying “cuddly” and if she’s having sex by saying “cuddling”? 😬

Snowdogsmitten · 05/12/2023 22:47

Well, I should have hit refresh on the thread it seems. 😂 anyway, ick.

Back to the Zop, they women is not your friend. It sounds like she’s touchy about/gate keeping the fertility treatment process.

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