Friend says we’d be selfish to start fertility investigations now - advice needed

[Towliney]

Fiancé and I stopped birth control around 5 years ago opting to “see what happens”. Despite regularly DTD, a private sperm test (normal) and regular cycles on my end, we’ve had no BFP. Various life events (and a bit of denial) have prevented us from starting fertility investigations before.

Our wedding is in summer 2024 and we really do want to start a family afterwards. We’re both 30 and conscious that NHS lead fertility investigations/ treatment take time, so are considering initiating the process now, with the hope of getting pregnant after our wedding, but not before. A close friend I confided in about this (who herself required fertility treatment to conceive) said it would be selfish to ‘play the system’ like this and start the process before we are actually ready to conceive. I was quite hurt as she said we’d be taking that opportunity away from another couple that would do anything to conceive right away rather than down the line. We are so new to this process and would appreciate some advice. WIBU of us to start fertility investigations off now or is the GP going to laugh in our faces if we tell them our timelines?

for god's sake get cracking - don't worry about what your friend says. so what if you're pregnant for your wedding. don't wait, just do it

Well I probably wouldn’t tell the GP that you’re trying not to get pregnant until summer 2024.

But I think it would be sensible to get the ball rolling. I’m assuming there’s a waiting list so you may as well get on it. It won’t be taking anything away from anyone else.

Its very unlikely that you would be seen immediately though. You'd be on a waiting list and then you'd need tests, etc when you finally are seen so I'd personally say that starting the referral process now seems quite sensible. Good luck! X

Yes you start the process as early as possible so your turn will come up sooner and you have the greatest chance of success. That's how it works. It is not "playing the system".

Good luck OP

Sounds like you have been trying for 5 years ago can't see why you wouldn't start chatting to GP about it and what the next options are and expected times. Surely when you know that you can see how the timelines match up and decide how/when to take things forward

If you’ve not been using any contraception for 5 years, then you have been trying for 5 years. Make the gp now. Ignore what your friend says.

Ignore your friend, they're not in the right headspace to give good advice.
Go ahead and start now or New Year, you have no idea how long it will take to see a specialist.

I’d start process now. I wouldn’t say anything re wedding. With wait for appointments I’d get ball rolling now.
eg you might wait a month for none urgent gp appointment to even start asking for a referral. There may be other hurdles like needing a certain bmi.
Even if you got pg now you can still marry as planned in summer.

What a ridiculous thing to say. Likely you wouldn't get to the point of having any NHS treatment until after your wedding anyway, so good idea to see GP and get into the system. You're definitely not playing the system! I wouldn't tell the GP your timeline though, unnecessary.

I agree, after trying for 5 years I wouldn't be waiting until after the wedding if you get an opportunity to try earlier.

Utter madness. Get on that list!

You've been having unprotected sex for five years with no pregnancy. Of course you've been "trying" for long enough to seek help. How weird and unreasonable and intrusive your friend is being.

In your shoes I would initiate the process as soon as possible. In all likelihood you will still be waiting for your first appointment when you get married anyway.

I would stop talking to this "friend" or put her on a low information diet.

No. Would it really matter if you were pregnant at your wedding anyway? You might need a different dress but so what.

I’d be clear you have been trying for 5 years.

Surely you wouldn't be "telling the GP your timelines" though. You definitely shouldn't mention to your doctor at the appointment that you don't want to be pregnant until after summer 2024. You either want to get pregnant or you don't and its unlikely you'll be able to choose the dates your offered IVF (if that is needed).

Well you now know not to discuss anything important with that friend again.

Go for it and good luck 🤞

Your “friend” clearly hasn’t heard of waiting lists….

Crack on. Ignore her.

There will be at least a 4 month wait for an initial consultation so you might as well get on the list.

Just to give you some idea of the timescales, my friend lives in an urban area with two different hospitals to choose from. The one with the better IVF outcomes has a 7 month waiting list and the one with the worse IVF outcomes had a 3 month waiting list, but in both cases you aren't on the waiting list until you've had your initial investigations done.

She's spent the last couple of months farting about trying to get blood tests done at the right point in her cycle and so isn't on the waiting list yet.

I'm guessing that it will end up being a minimum of a year between her going to the GP asking to be referred for infertility and actually starting IVF.

Your friend is an idiot who clearly knows NOTHING about how fertility treatment and assessment works. If you have been trying for 5 years (and yes, no contraception and regular sex counts as trying, you don't have to be tracking ovulation and charting your temperature) then it is perfectly reasonable to start the process now.

If you are really really lucky, on the NHS, you might start treatment in about 18 months. Even privately would take a few months. I did it privately, and only needed Clomid, and it was still about a year between starting the process and getting pregnant.

You don't have to tell your GP your timelines, just that you've been TTC for 5 years without success. There will be a waiting time for the referral and then for any treatment so YANBU to get the ball rolling.

Are you planning on using contraception between now and the wedding? I know it must seem crazy but if you really don’t want to get pregnant before the wedding then you will need to do that.

I can slightly see where your friend is coming from because with waiting lists so long and a lot of people really having left it later than they should have done (a bit like you, denial etc) there might be others for whom the chances are diminishing the longer they wait, as they and their eggs and sperm age. You are in a slightly better position being only 30. I don’t think that NHS waiting lists are triaged to take that into account (I may be wrong though).

That said, no harm in getting the ball rolling. I imagine that you can do a lot of the preparatory investigations but then put the brakes on when it comes to scheduling the actual treatment, allowing someone else to jump ahead of you at that stage if it’s still too early for you in relation to the wedding. (I know a bit about how it all works as my son is IVF conceived, though we went private as I had already missed the NHS age cutoff for my age).

To be fair to her I think it’s knowing about the waiting lists that is making her take the view that she has. However she is being very black and white about it.

It would also be worth tracking your ovulation using ovulation tests and temping to check whether you are definitely ovulating, which you probably are if you have regular periods.

If your partner's sperm test was normal and you are definitely ovulating then testing may reveal some other problem. You should ask for the dye test to check whether your tubes are blocked, especially if you have ever had chlamydia.

Wow, this really puts things into perspective. I knew wait lists were long but I hadn’t appreciated the entire process potentially taking that long. Sounds like we’ve already wasted a lot of time and need to make a GP call sooner rather than later!