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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend says we’d be selfish to start fertility investigations now - advice needed

150 replies

Towliney · 04/12/2023 15:16

Fiancé and I stopped birth control around 5 years ago opting to “see what happens”. Despite regularly DTD, a private sperm test (normal) and regular cycles on my end, we’ve had no BFP. Various life events (and a bit of denial) have prevented us from starting fertility investigations before.

Our wedding is in summer 2024 and we really do want to start a family afterwards. We’re both 30 and conscious that NHS lead fertility investigations/ treatment take time, so are considering initiating the process now, with the hope of getting pregnant after our wedding, but not before. A close friend I confided in about this (who herself required fertility treatment to conceive) said it would be selfish to ‘play the system’ like this and start the process before we are actually ready to conceive. I was quite hurt as she said we’d be taking that opportunity away from another couple that would do anything to conceive right away rather than down the line. We are so new to this process and would appreciate some advice. WIBU of us to start fertility investigations off now or is the GP going to laugh in our faces if we tell them our timelines?

OP posts:
TheSquirrelofDoom · 04/12/2023 15:42

We required IVF to conceive - please be aware that it can be a long journey. I was 32 when we started trying and it took 8 years and 5 rounds of treatment for us to conceive our daughter. So my advice is to go to the GP now and get the process started - you’ll have to wait a bit to see the fertility clinic anyway, then there will be more tests, and more waiting…

If/when it comes to being actually on the list for a round of treatment, I do think you’d be able to say that you don’t want a treatment cycle to fall within a particular month to avoid your wedding - we were able to plan cycles around holidays etc. You’re certainly not taking a spot on the clinic’s list from someone else - depending on tests needed, issues discovered etc, people move around on those lists, it’s not as straightforward as people getting treated in the order they’re referred after the initial consultation. Finally, I just wanted to wish you luck with it all xx

lemmein · 04/12/2023 15:46

My friends gp wouldn't even refer her till 12 months after the initial gp appointment. I suppose anyone could rock up and say they've been trying for years to get pushed through. Not sure if that's usual though? Doesn't sound it from previous replies.

Ignore your friend, it has nothing at all to do with her!

Folklore9074 · 04/12/2023 15:51

Been through nhs fertility treatment myself, get cracking now. It takes a while to get things moving. Unless you’ve been through it you can’t really comment. Ignore your friend.

Treaclesandwich · 04/12/2023 15:54

Ignore your friend, and crack on.

I really don’t see how what you’re proposing to do is “playing the system”.

Cheeseywheel · 04/12/2023 15:55

Yes as others have said get to the GP now. Absolutely do not mention your timelines to the GP though!!

Cheeseywheel · 04/12/2023 15:55

oh and for gods sake don’t tell your friend

Squirrelsbite · 04/12/2023 15:57

Your friend is a prat
do what you want to do, it may be a long wait so it’s best to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/12/2023 15:58

YANBU getting on the waiting list sooner rather than later is not playing the system. It's just being efficient!

But wanted to offer a few suggestions, have you tried using ovulation sticks to see what day of your cycle you're ovulating? If you've been having unprotected sex but not actively trying to get pregnant, it could be something simple like not having sex in the 'right' time period. Other women also chart their temperatures. I conceived my first no problem but my second took longer, it was only when I tried ovulation sticks that I realised I was now ovulating later in my cycle than I did before having children, as soon as we had sex that little bit later in my cycle, I caught straight away. I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns at all, I'm just offering suggestions in case there is a simple solution as IVF is very hard on the female body x

Squirrelsbite · 04/12/2023 15:58

And don’t say anything else to your ‘friend’ about your intentions

Floralnomad · 04/12/2023 16:00

Your friend is an idiot but why are you discussing this with them in the first place , it’s nobody else’s business

diamondpony80 · 04/12/2023 16:01

Yes, get started immediately! 5 years is a very long time to be off contraception and no pregnancy. You probably should’ve started 2+ years ago. If they can help, don’t just wait for the wedding.

SparkyBlue · 04/12/2023 16:03

Your friend is being ridiculous and not very much of a friend to be honest. I mean this kindly but I think you are being very naive you have been ttcing for 5 years without a pregnancy so if you do want a child you do need to ignore timelines and not be waiting to get help.

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:03

Hi Op,

It took me awhile to make a baby. I read everything by Dr Robert Winston. He recommended regular sex and weight loss. I did a low fat diet. I lost a stone and got pregnant quickly. Rosemary Conley book is brilliant. I owe my teen to Dr Winston and Rosemary Conley.

I also tried different positions. I found that I had a retroverted womb. Start taking folic acid if you aren't already - your GP can prescribe it. Folic acid can help prevent neural tube defects.

Preseed lubricant is meant to help. NHS reckon sex every 2-3 days.

Wanting a baby is never selfish. I genuinely don't understand why your friend feels it is any of her business.

So for when the baby comes along... mamia nappies are brilliant as is there milk, wipes.

Good luck op. Sending baby dust x

Pluviophile1 · 04/12/2023 16:04

My SIL (who has many children) told us that we were 'morally wrong' to consider fertility treatment. We ignored her.

Ignore your friend. Start the process now.

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:05

@Pluviophile1 your SIL sounds dreadful. Why did she consider you were morally wrong?

Sugarfree23 · 04/12/2023 16:05

Op I tried fertility treatment via the NHS. If I remember correctly it was about a 12-18 mths before I got my hands on a packet of clomid.
3-4 months on waiting list.
Tests for me wait for results, and consultant
Tests for DH wait for results, and consultant
Other Tests for me and another wait to see the consultant and get clomid. I also convinced the consultant to put me on the IUI waiting list at the same time, knowing the IUI wait was about 9mths.

It's not high on the NHS priority list. I felt they were deliberately trying to keep the process slow. And very frustrating. So yes get yourself on that waiting list.

Op one other thing I would say is be wary of blowing huge sums on your wedding if it will leave you saying afterwards - I wish we'd cut back so we could go private for IVF.

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:06

can you get clomid privately? How much is it?

WalkingThroughTreacle · 04/12/2023 16:07

I'm going to have a wild guess that, if by some freak chance, the NHS offered to start treatment within days, rather than the months you're anticipating, you wouldn't turn them down. I don't see how you're playing the system at all. Your friend should keep her nose out frankly and if her own experience is of any relevance it should have inspired her to be empathetic towards you rather than judgemental.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 16:08

Yes, it's not quick. In our trust, I went to see the GP and she then organised for me to have some initial tests. Those were done a few weeks later and then I had to go back to see her. So by this time we were already at least 6-8 weeks into the process and we hadn't even got past the GP. And it felt quick.

Then she referred us. At that point, DH had to do a sperm test before we could do anything else. (private sperm test irrelevant, it had to be done via NHS).

Then once we got THOSE results back, I was given an appointment to see a specialist. That was set up for something like 6 months later. At that first appointment, she spoke at me, I didn't even so much as have a blood test or even an ultrasound. My next appointment was scheduled for 6 weeks later, at which I was going to get a full suite of blood tests. The ultra sound was going to be booked separately. Also, I should mention that I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 18, so the most likely and most obvious reason for conception not happening was already known but they still insisted that I had to go through all this. At the ultrasound, or possibly separately - I can't remember -, they were also planning to do some kind of dye test to check for blockages.

As it turns out, I got pregnant on Clomid via the private doctor shortly after my first appointment and never went back to the NHS for fertility. But just to give you a sense... it's not a quick, easy or painless process.

CharlotteRose90 · 04/12/2023 16:09

Get on the list. I’m on it as is my best friend and we’ve been told that’s it’s currently in the region of 18-24 month wait lists. Obviously every area is different but I have been on 7 months so far and don’t even have the initial appointment yet.

ExpressionSession · 04/12/2023 16:10

Your friend really overstepped there. I think you are completely right starting the process now. I think you will learn quickly that in getting pregnant, pregnancy and having the child you are best off keeping your thoughts private. People have opinions on everything you will do with your body and as a parent from here on out. Best feed them a low information diet.

ToMissAdventure · 04/12/2023 16:10

I had private ivf (too old for nhs) and froze all my embryos for pgt one month before my wedding. I don’t know if a freeze all is available on the nhs. I would also say you just don’t know what you will find once you start the testing or how long it could take eg you may have a low amf. Ivf is not a guarantee of a baby so don’t waste time if you want one as trying for five years without any bfp means you do need help.

XlemonX · 04/12/2023 16:11

dump that friend! She should not discourage you and be your biggest supporter. You really should get the ball rolling if you are deciding for NHS first, as it can take so long!
dont listen to her and if you keep her as a friend, just never go for any advice regarding fertility

direon · 04/12/2023 16:11

Get on the list, but if you can afford it I'd go private as the NHS runs slow. If you have been ttc for 5 years there's likely to be something wrong.

StaunchMomma · 04/12/2023 16:13

I'd jump on it ASAP, OP. Would it be the end of the World if you conceived before the wedding? You said you've been TTC for 5 years so clearly you haven't been putting it off until after the date, as such.

I'd assume your friend had some issues with the fertility system and has a bit of a gripe, there. Maybe smooth this one over and be careful what you share with her in future.