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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend says we’d be selfish to start fertility investigations now - advice needed

150 replies

Towliney · 04/12/2023 15:16

Fiancé and I stopped birth control around 5 years ago opting to “see what happens”. Despite regularly DTD, a private sperm test (normal) and regular cycles on my end, we’ve had no BFP. Various life events (and a bit of denial) have prevented us from starting fertility investigations before.

Our wedding is in summer 2024 and we really do want to start a family afterwards. We’re both 30 and conscious that NHS lead fertility investigations/ treatment take time, so are considering initiating the process now, with the hope of getting pregnant after our wedding, but not before. A close friend I confided in about this (who herself required fertility treatment to conceive) said it would be selfish to ‘play the system’ like this and start the process before we are actually ready to conceive. I was quite hurt as she said we’d be taking that opportunity away from another couple that would do anything to conceive right away rather than down the line. We are so new to this process and would appreciate some advice. WIBU of us to start fertility investigations off now or is the GP going to laugh in our faces if we tell them our timelines?

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 04/12/2023 17:44

You're not wrong @Towliney you've already been trying for 5 years so as that's over a year, would be eligible (as I understand it.)

And it does all take time so it's worth getting things underway.

babyproblems · 04/12/2023 17:45

There’s no point in saying you don’t want a baby before 2024 because quite clearly from your post, to be blunt, you do. You’ve already been DTD 5 years- you could’ve been pregnant at any time then. And you haven’t been; so I would think you should start now with your GP and just go with the flow of it. Forget what your friend says. Sometimes with things that are so personal people cannot give advice or support without their own bias interfering; everyone’s life is their own. Keep things between you and your fiancé. Best of luck xo

Waitinggame42023 · 04/12/2023 17:57

Sorry to jump on this one @DragonMumE, please can you share the name of the clinic?

Leeds is just outside my area, but I think it's still the closest place for treatment.

OP my husband and I have been trying for 4.5 years, and have just started the pre-referral GP dance. As PPs have said, it already feels like they're trying to block at every stage, I guess hoping the delays force us in to private.

My husband waited weeks for a sperm analysis test which was booked for last week. Took the day off work, turned up at the hospital with the sample at the allotted time etc. When he got to the lab they said they'd 'try' to do his analysis before the sample expired but likely wouldn't have time.

Surprise surprise, they didn't. And he was up at 6am today, to grab another slot for 2 weeks time.

Please don't make the same mistakes as us. We're older than you and coming to terms with the fact that the box-ticking and waiting we'll have to endure will affect our chances of success.

CatMandarin · 04/12/2023 18:01

You've been trying for 5 years so there is likely to be a fertility problem. Best to get in the system. If you get pregnant you can cancel.

TheAlchemistElixa · 04/12/2023 18:07

Why on earth, if you suspect fertility issues, would you be bothered about getting pregnant before your wedding?

Angelsrose · 04/12/2023 18:25

Seek help NOW. The waiting lists are so long that you will be very lucky to be seen before your wedding. I'm not sure your friend knows how the NHS works and how very long the waiting lists for fertility treatment are.

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 18:34

Shall I pm you the name?

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 18:35

Messaged you x Best of luck

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 18:36

my cousin is older too x

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 18:38

@Pluviophile1 that's so sad. Those poor children.

Holly60 · 04/12/2023 18:38

Next conversation with your friend: 'Oh we've decided we'll be happy to get pregnant as soon as the NHS is able to help us'.

Job done.

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 18:39

Op could we crowdfund for IVF? I'd be happy to chip in?

Fionaville · 04/12/2023 18:40

I definitely wouldn't tell your GP your timeline. It'll take ages anyway. Just start the process.

Tiedtoatwat · 04/12/2023 18:40

diddl · 04/12/2023 17:43

I can sort of see what your friend is saying.

Perhaps the way you said about not wanting to be pregnant until after your wedding made her think that you're not that bothered.

Especially if you have already been trying for 5yrs & not seen anyone about it.

What difference would another 6ish months make?

I agree with others that you should set things in motion now.

Well I can't see it at all.

A friend is supposed to be supportive and have your back in a situation like this. Having had fertility treatment herself, you'd think she would be more understanding.

@Towliney see your GP as a matter of priority. You won't be taking anyone else's space, and after 5 years' ttc, you're more than entitled to access support. Hope it all works out for you. Been there x

YoBeaches · 04/12/2023 19:01

I think all of you are totally naive in the process of making babies outside of natural conception.

5 yrs of unprotected sex, assuming you are certain you had sex during your fertile window and didn't regularly avoid it, even then, is a long time to not conceive. Other couples under 35 yrs, it's 2 years then they qualify for NHS Support.

Wedding aside, you could well have a long road ahead. Sorry to throw cold water on it.

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 04/12/2023 19:10

She sounds like a friend I had who used to deliberately give terrible advice or say things that she knew would make me feel bad. She was no real friend.

shockeddoesnntcutit · 04/12/2023 19:53

I personally wouldn't start investigations now. We went through fertility treatments and were fortunate that we were seen my a consultant within 5 weeks of referral from our GP and sent away with medication the same day.
The medication failed and we were to start IVF, we chose our clinic and again I called to ask about nhs timescales and we're advised that we would be seen within 2 weeks of receipt of the referral to them and treatment would start asap afterwards. Fortunately we caught naturally in the meantime so I can't guarantee this.
It's not really something you could start and then mention that you don't want to try until next year as you'd basically be discharged and just go through everything again the following year when you are ready.

Sugarfree23 · 04/12/2023 19:59

@shockeddoesnntcutit when, where was that? Was it NHS or private?

Op I definitely think you should start with a chat with the GP.
They'll have an idea of the waiting times in your area, etc

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 04/12/2023 20:06

Another one to say get going!! You've been ttc for 5 years OP, maybe not with medical intervention but back before home ovulation tracking etc, that would be counted as TTC.

Get going and if by some miracle your place for IVF comes up before the wedding you can just defer for a few cycles and no one is the wiser. It would be great to get straight into it post wedding having completed all the preliminary tests etc. The very best of luck to you.

hsapposhit · 04/12/2023 20:15

I very much doubt you will be pregnant by the time of your wedding if you start the process now. The waiting times are long.
And anyway, if by some strange chance, you were to get seen, examined etcetc. and conceive before the wedding you'd only be a couple of months pregnant at most.

Just get to the GP and get started with it all.
Ignore friend.

KT8282 · 04/12/2023 20:25

Your friend is labouring under the illusion fertility investigation will be followed promptly by pregnancy. Having gone through IVF, I can tell you it took nearly a year to get started on IVF after seeing the GP, and that was going private due to no NHS funding for treatment in my area (investigations were under NHS though). We were a bit delayed due to the pandemic but even so it took 2 rounds to get pregnant, and that is considered fast. Some interventions like open myomectomy in the case of fibroids can mean waiting 6 months or more before you can have any fertility treatment after the procedure. You might be lucky and an easily fixable problem identified, but unfortunately this is often not the case. I don’t say that to scare you but more to ignore your friend, who a) probably has no idea what she’s talking about and b) should keep her beak out of someone else’s fertility!

Hankunamatata · 04/12/2023 20:32

If you have been having unprotected sex for 5 years and doing absolutely nothing to stop pregnancy then yes I would go to GP asap. Don't mention time scale of wanting to try for a baby. Just simply you have been trying for 5 years

SiennaMillar · 04/12/2023 20:47

Your friend needs to wind their neck in. You’ve been trying for five years, definitely start the ball rolling

Lovelydaytomorrow · 04/12/2023 22:55

It was around 18 months for us from first seeing my GP to getting a BFP through the NHS. And we had a pretty straight forward journey- only one egg collection and pregnant from the 2nd frozen embryo transfer.

There is very very very little chance that you will be pregnant through NHS IVF by August. However, it may be worth thinking about whether you would start clomid before the summer if it were offered to you as it would be quite unusual to turn that down. I don't know how much of an awkward conversation that would be to say, actually we don't really want to get pregnant yet, in the middle of a consultation months into the process.

mondaytosunday · 04/12/2023 23:02

Starting the process with you does not mean you are taking the place of another. Just get on with it.