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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend says we’d be selfish to start fertility investigations now - advice needed

150 replies

Towliney · 04/12/2023 15:16

Fiancé and I stopped birth control around 5 years ago opting to “see what happens”. Despite regularly DTD, a private sperm test (normal) and regular cycles on my end, we’ve had no BFP. Various life events (and a bit of denial) have prevented us from starting fertility investigations before.

Our wedding is in summer 2024 and we really do want to start a family afterwards. We’re both 30 and conscious that NHS lead fertility investigations/ treatment take time, so are considering initiating the process now, with the hope of getting pregnant after our wedding, but not before. A close friend I confided in about this (who herself required fertility treatment to conceive) said it would be selfish to ‘play the system’ like this and start the process before we are actually ready to conceive. I was quite hurt as she said we’d be taking that opportunity away from another couple that would do anything to conceive right away rather than down the line. We are so new to this process and would appreciate some advice. WIBU of us to start fertility investigations off now or is the GP going to laugh in our faces if we tell them our timelines?

OP posts:
Zooeyzo · 04/12/2023 16:15

Your friend is pretty toxic. I would make a decision to limit contact with her.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 04/12/2023 16:17

with the hope of getting pregnant after our wedding, but not before

I'm not sure I understand - you're having regular unprotected sex, but you don't want to get pregnant before your wedding?

I disagree with your friend though.

bettynutkins · 04/12/2023 16:19

I know someone just going on the NHS list and it's a 2 year wait for them.

Don't delay, I'd start straight away.

idontlikealdi · 04/12/2023 16:19

What has it got to do with your friend?!

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 04/12/2023 16:20

There is no biological difference between trying to conceive and having regular unprotected intercourse.

Pluviophile1 · 04/12/2023 16:22

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:05

@Pluviophile1 your SIL sounds dreadful. Why did she consider you were morally wrong?

Religion. And that is pretty mild compared to other stuff she has come out with and the things she has done.

She is dreadful and so is her husband. Not because they are religious, but their behaviour because of their faith has been abyssmal. For a number of reasons, we no longer have contact.

Edited for spelling.

twoforwardandtwoback · 04/12/2023 16:24

The nhs takes ages! Makes absolute sense to start appointments now - to be honest, based on the timescales I experienced, I think you'd be doing well to get a proper gynaecology appointment much before summer 2024 anyway!

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:25

I did wonder if it was that.

Can't blame you for no contact.

My cousin had her daughter via private ivf at the clinic in Leeds. If you're near op I'd recommend it.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 16:26

Pluviophile1 · 04/12/2023 16:22

Religion. And that is pretty mild compared to other stuff she has come out with and the things she has done.

She is dreadful and so is her husband. Not because they are religious, but their behaviour because of their faith has been abyssmal. For a number of reasons, we no longer have contact.

Edited for spelling.

Edited
Show quote history

A friend who was starting the fertility treatment process was a bit upset years ago after lunch with another couple who were religious, and pregnant. Apparently he casually said something like, "infertility is just God's way of saying you shouldn't have children" while his wife sat there nodding and agreeing.

Needless to say, that friendship didn't last.

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:27

OP a wedding is basically a party for your mates. I'd put that money into a baba and clomid

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:28

Woah. That's a terrible thing to say.

Pluviophile1 · 04/12/2023 16:28

@Vuurhoutjies

Yes, we had that - whilst their 6 children were running around.

ExpressionSession · 04/12/2023 16:29

"infertility is just God's way of saying you shouldn't have children" while his wife sat there nodding and agreeing.

Some people are real aholes

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:30

6 children?

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:31

The essential fertility by Dr Robert Winston - very good food for thought.

InSpainTheRain · 04/12/2023 16:34

I would start investigations now and not tell the doctor of any timescales. If you get pregnant before your wedding then take it is amazing good luck.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 16:34

Pluviophile1 · 04/12/2023 16:28

@Vuurhoutjies

Yes, we had that - whilst their 6 children were running around.

Argh. That's all I can say. Well done for removing them from your life.

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 16:35

Our dentist referred my son to the orthodontist well before he was ready for treatment (still had milk teeth), because he knew the waiting time for the initial appointment would be about 7 months away.

He was absolutely right. By the time he got to the top of the list, DS was ready for treatment. I don't think that's playing the system, I think it's using your knowledge to make it work best for you/your patients.

All the best OP. At least you know now not to talk about personal things with this friend.

WowOK · 04/12/2023 16:37

You need to go and see your GP. tell them you have been trying for 5 years, having regular sex and not preventing, and haven't conceived. I wouldn't even mention summer 2024. They won't offer you IVF straight away. They will start with investigation. Then potentially medication depending on the issue.

So my journey

2 years not conceived went to GP
Blood test, ultrasound, tubes tested for blockages, womb investigations done ( can't remember what it was called)
4 Clomid with sex.
6 rounds of Clomid and injectable gonadotropins
Refused treatment on ivf so went private
2 Icsi
4 or maybe 5 frozen embryo transfers all with every extra added intervention avaliable
2 miscarriages (both twin pregnancies).
£40k spent and 7ish year's after my first appointment , 1 much longed for baby. The 2nd was a pleasant surprise.

Don't hesitate. I hope your lucky and get pregnant with the first intervention but

Carlotta27 · 04/12/2023 16:37

Hi there. I’m going through the referal
process with the NHS for IVF right now. Five years is a long time trying to concieve and you have every right to get the ball rolling! I was also talking to a Dr and apparently there isn’t a limited number per area but where I live they support all who qualify, so the notion of taking the place from another couple is not true! Please ignore this friend and look after your interests. Best of luck!

DragonMumE · 04/12/2023 16:40

my school mate waited 3 years for her nhs ivf treatment

Blah12345678999 · 04/12/2023 16:40

Completely agree with this

Gillypie23 · 04/12/2023 16:41

Get it started the waiting list is so long as it is.

JustAMinutePleass · 04/12/2023 16:43

You’ve been ttc for 5 years so it’s best to get a referral. Most areas won’t refer you directly - you have to see nhs consultants first and they may give you clomid / certain medications to help. NHS IVF waiting lists for the over 35s is 18 months right now (they always skip the queue) so at 30 you might not even be seen for another 2-3 years minimum. Don’t waste time. Your friend sounds jealous

Doublebiscuit77 · 04/12/2023 16:44

It would take a year at least for fertility referral, they would need to do tests etc. Ignore your friend and get going!

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