Friend says we’d be selfish to start fertility investigations now - advice needed

[Towliney]

Fiancé and I stopped birth control around 5 years ago opting to “see what happens”. Despite regularly DTD, a private sperm test (normal) and regular cycles on my end, we’ve had no BFP. Various life events (and a bit of denial) have prevented us from starting fertility investigations before.

Our wedding is in summer 2024 and we really do want to start a family afterwards. We’re both 30 and conscious that NHS lead fertility investigations/ treatment take time, so are considering initiating the process now, with the hope of getting pregnant after our wedding, but not before. A close friend I confided in about this (who herself required fertility treatment to conceive) said it would be selfish to ‘play the system’ like this and start the process before we are actually ready to conceive. I was quite hurt as she said we’d be taking that opportunity away from another couple that would do anything to conceive right away rather than down the line. We are so new to this process and would appreciate some advice. WIBU of us to start fertility investigations off now or is the GP going to laugh in our faces if we tell them our timelines?

I would tell the GP you’ve been trying for 5 years and that’s it, don’t mention timelines. When I had IVF it all takes time. Say if you go to the GP in the New Year, then referral to fertility clinic will be another few months. Then initial investigations like blood tests, ultrasounds, sperm samples. Then you attend a workshop thing. Say if that takes you near the wedding, just tell them you want to start next month. But you need to get cracking. I was your age getting married, then took three years of trying, had IVF it worked, then tried for number two, it took another few years, had number 2 at 38. But it’s such a long old process I’d get the ball rolling now. Your friend is talking shite.

That was then. They have more now.

Just bear in mind the first step would be drugs most likely rather than going on the list for invasive investigations and ivf - as the sperm count has already established there's nothing wrong on that front.

I would personally suggest waiting until the spring before you start the process as it won't be that long to get to stage one typically.

On an optimistic note, family members conceived naturally 5 years after giving up any hope of a child (they decided against ivf), a lot older than you!

@Pluviophile1 I don't think it's God's will. They just can't fathom how to use contraceptives...

Though I admit it varies by nhs trust, it was about 6 months to get clomid here

Ignore your friend. Changes of starting any treatment before your wedding are slim. You’ve been trying for 5 years - crack in with it.

Exactly what I was going to say

Do it ....I would start now

No, no, no.
Where I am they won't give you any drugs to help ovulation BEFORE they have done blood tests, sperm test, check your tubes, etc etc.

I can't remember the exact length of time I waited for a prescription for clomid but it was at least 12months might have been 18.
And that was about 10 years ago

Don't get me started. They are terrible at taking care of the children they already have. And then they have more babies.
Children's Services have been involved, as have the police.

You are not going to get fertility treatment before Summer 2024 if you're only just starting investigations now. Get on with it for sure!

Good luck OP.

Just to say, I wouldn't advise introducing any contraception before your wedding, as that might undo / confuse things with regards the five years you've been trying to conceive. If you see what I mean?

Good luck, ignore your friend.

I wouldn’t say it’s selfish, but I also wouldn’t assume you won’t get offered something before next summer - where I live (SW London) we were processed through the system pretty quickly and offered ovulation induction medication within a handful of months (maybe 3?) from the first visit to the GP. It might be quite awkward to be offered an appointment to review your tests, and then at that appointment telling the team that you don’t actually want to go in the recommended treatment before your wedding.

As a GP, I would start testing and refer you now, as long as you are not currently using contraception. Given the fact you have not conceived in 5 years, I think that's fair.

OP what happens if you DO get pregnant before the wedding?

It happens, we tried for 10 years then had IVF, scheduled our wedding and 10 months before the wedding a surprise miracle pregnancy. We simply moved the wedding back 6 months, there was plenty of notice so no issues.

TBH I wouldn't rely on the NHS, their infertility service is beyond shite. I wasted 10 years with them because we didn't have savings to go private. They where rude, told us we where 'too young to worry about it' and 'sometimes your just not meant to have kids', claimed we where 'unexplained infertility' and nothing could be done as nothing was 'wrong'.

We went private and got pregnant with IVF less than a month and a half later, we BOTH got diagnosed (PCOS and teratozoospermia). NHS completely missed both of those things.

I’m a GP and the next stage (given that you’ve been ttc for 5 years) would be a referral to a gynaecologist. In my area the current wait for an initial gynaecology appointment is about 9 months. That’s just to see a doctor. It could easily be a year before you start any kind of treatment, probably longer.

We were much older than you but had only been trying for 6 months when we started investigations. We told GP we’d been trying for a year.
On the one hand, it was good that we went early because we had bad results from our tests and were told we’d need IVF. So potentially we could have wasted another year trying with no hope.
On the other hand, I wonder now whether if we’d had another six months or a year of trying naturally we would have been successful. Once you’re on the IVF train life gets really stressful and it has very low success rates.
We were not successful. I wish I’d had a lot more sex on the off-chance that it would have worked but we got caught up in the IVF whirl.

Its all been said, but your friend is a ill informed person who clearly hasn't had the 'pleasure' of going through IVF.

I have. It takes about a year to just do the investigations. Waiting list for referrals, blood test that can only be done at certain times of the month, it goes on and on. And then a further waiting list for the fertility clinic. Just because you have the investigations done, it doesn't mean you have to jump straight into treatment if you don't want to.

If you haven't been using contraception for 5 years and haven't had any luck, I'd definitly get things rolling now.

Exactly right. From the point you see your GP (probably after Xmas at this rate), he will refer you.... 10 years ago when I went through this, the leadtimes were then 6-9 months to the first set of examinations. Now, it may well be double. From that first referral meeting, they then run all sorts of tests on you. Leadtimes for that is again, months. From GP appointment to actually getting any kind of treatment, you are looking at about a year - minimum. And then, the treatment doesn't work first time either, in most cases. There is trial and error, changes of doses etc.... and then you are on the waitlist for IVF. If you are even thinking of conceiving, GO TO THE GP, and tell him you have been trying to conceive for the past 3 years (there is a minimum time you need to have been trying for them to refer you. Can't remember how long that is, but it's definitely a couple of years).

Perhaps it's an emotive issue for her but her logic makes no sense. Anyone "desperate to have a baby now" would be waiting the same length of time as you if they applied today. As others have said, considering you need to be referred and have tests and all that it's extremely unlikely you will be even a little bit pregnant by your wedding.

Then when you add in your 5 years of waiting and seeing, it's clear you are really ready to have a baby but if you could choose, you would be married first.

If you were getting married in summer 2025 I could maybe see some kind of logic in her point at least, even if I didn't agree with her. But your wedding is simply too close for that to be the case.

Congratulations on your wedding by the way and I wish you all the best of luck with TTC 🐥

Opps, sorry, just read that your friend had had fertility treatment! Baffled even more by her take on this then?

I did it NHS, and also Clomid. But they insisted on ruling out every other eventuality before prescribing it, eg putting dye in fallopian tubes to see if they were blocked or something - every single one of those tests took months. Then, they had to change the doses of Clomid 3 times to get it to work (and it did work). Every change was 1-2 menstrual cycles. So even once I was on the Clomid, it took several months to actually conceive. Then first pregnancy was a very early miscarriage. So then you start again. And then the baby takes 9 months to come. So all in all, between now and getting a baby, you are almost certainly 1-2 years away - if all goes well.

Dont mean to be mean but if you hadn’t conceived after 5 years of unprotected sex, I’d say you’re long overdue your fertility investigations.
Good luck!

Start NOW. Waiting lists, tests etc - you'd be very lucky to be pregnant by 2024 !

I can sort of see what your friend is saying.

Perhaps the way you said about not wanting to be pregnant until after your wedding made her think that you're not that bothered.

Especially if you have already been trying for 5yrs & not seen anyone about it.

What difference would another 6ish months make?

I agree with others that you should set things in motion now.