Page 5 | Friends who always bring their teenager

Parentslife · 2023-12-04T13:42:26+00:00

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere. At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked. Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone. How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 14:58

It is awkward. Sorry but it’s a totally different vibe if teens are there I really disagree that it’s “all fine” the conversations the same etc it’s really not. The ages of your children are very awkwardly mismatched there’s no overlap there. Not sure what the answer is.

Our friends pretty much all have similar aged teens too so if teens are included it’s explicitly mentioned in advance so everyone knows what the score is and can choose to bring their own teens or not go if don’t want to hang out with other peoples kids.

The unspoken etiquette is you don’t bring your teen to a meet up unless you say so in advance. The default is you don’t. Some of our teens really get on with each other but most don’t. It’s not like when they are little when they scuttle off and “play” in another room whether they like it or not.

The pp who drove miles to meet up with old friends one who bought their teen made my heart sink. I would have been so pissed off too.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:59

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 14:57

I’d be irked by this.

Did you say you can’t get a baby sitter? I’d be booking nights out!

Do they make her come or does she want to come?

If you booked a meal out would she come to that too?

Thank you, yes she would also come to the meal out at a restaurant!
I think she wants to come - I mean we really like her! But you know…adult conversation.
I think it will have to be a pub next time 😂

OP posts:

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 04/12/2023 14:59

@Parentslife really just posts a comment in the thread.

Click on the little arrow on the right hand side and use the quote function.

SnobblyBobbly · 04/12/2023 15:01

randomstress · 04/12/2023 14:07

It sounds like her parents are part of the problem as well if they won't back you up when you explain where she is going to hang out.
Maybe explain to them first that you have set up a child space and would appreciate them helping you get the kids into it.

Fucking hell, I can just imagine being 15 and sent into the crayon table.

Her parents aren't a problem, they're allowing their teenage daughter to grow up and develop socially in a space they incorrectly feel is tolerant and welcoming.

Sad.

mantyzer · 04/12/2023 15:02

We had this in the past. Friends teenager went everywhere with her. We just saw her less and less. The teenager is now in her early twenties has anxiety and will not go anywhere without her mum.

ActDottie · 04/12/2023 15:04

takealettermsjones · 04/12/2023 13:46

To be honest I don't think you can suggest that the 15 year old doesn't come but the 7 year old still can. Without arguments, that is. It's either child free or it's not.

This. I think it’ll cause too much tension. Can you start meeting up child free?

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 15:05

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:21

Just curious about what you’d view as unsuitable conversion for a 15 yr old. We socialise with friends and they would bring their older children and now my dc who is 17 may be there.
It’s often work moans, current affairs, general chatting.
I honestly can’t think of anything I wouldn’t say in front of an older teen.

We often talk ABOUT our children.
It would be very inappropriate to talk about one of our children when his or her peer was sitting right there.

You can't think of anything you wouldn't say in front of an older teen?
Sex life, your own worries about health/finances/your children i.e. things that are adult concerns, not your children's. I don't really want to air my gynae issues in front of my teenage sons.

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 04/12/2023 15:06

@Dinoswearunderpants shocked it's perfectly fine and reasonable for OP to want some adult only chat time without a 15 year old hanging around for gods sake.

Kids don't have to be the central of the world for every single second. Being told she needs to go elsewhere for an hour or two sounds like a good life lesson for Miss grumpy knickers to me.

parksandrecs · 04/12/2023 15:06

I would say it's either child free for both families, or not.

Personally I would put up with it, it won't be long before she's out with her own friends, and your son is the teenager no-one wants tagging along...

mantyzer · 04/12/2023 15:07

@Dixiechickonhols it sounds a pretty superficial friendship. The kind of things you would talk to with anyone. That is fine for some meet ups but most friends do talk about deeper stuff as well.

Jewnicorn · 04/12/2023 15:08

I’m coming at this from the opposite perspective as I have that 15 year old and I’m honestly really struggling with it. I feel like I can’t talk to my friends anymore without her being there, chipping in and making it so I can’t talk freely (or unload about the pressures of having teenagers). She also tends to monopolise the conversation and more than once I’ve had to pull her to one side and tell her that while I will happily listen to all of her friendship dramas, my friends
dont necessarily know who shes
talking about or find that interesting. Anyway there’s a chance your friends are struggling too but, like me, don’t know what to do about it as 15 year olds SO easily feel rejected. Any chance you can sound your friends out without outright saying you don’t want her there?

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:08

easylikeasundaymorn · 04/12/2023 14:26

most of these replies are weird! When I was a teen and my parents had friends over my siblings and I wouldn't have dreamed of sitting and hanging out with them - both because it would have been obvious the parents wouldn't want us there and because we wouldn't WANT to hang out with them. Yes we'd pop down and say hello and have a quick chat, and would eat with them but we wouldn't hang around, in the same way as the parents wouldn't expect to be included when the teen has their friends over!

And if parents were invited to their friends house for an evening meal/drinks of course we wouldn't expect or want to go - the exception would be if it was a big new years eve party or something but then there would be lots of kids of different ages going, not just the host's young child, and to be honest at 15 I wouldn't have even gone to that.

The only thing that's possibly confusing the issue is your child being in the same room - if the adults are coming over for a dinner party I'd expect him to mainly be in bed for most of the time/chilling in his room before that. But even then it's understandable that he's in the house because it's your house and he's 7 - there is no reason at all why a 15 year old would come to someone else's house!

And the people being obtuse and querying why there would be things you wouldn't discuss in front of a 15 year old - well a) yes of course there are and b) even if you take the age out of it, it's the difference between the things you're happy to discuss with a close friend, and with an acquaintance you don't know particularly well (which the 15 year old is - SHE is not OP's friend). It's like the friend bringing along their mother in law or sister without being invited, which would be rude enough, but even weirder when it's a child.

You literally summed up all my thoughts thank you! 🙏

OP posts:

mantyzer · 04/12/2023 15:08

Personally I don't have much patience anymore for friends with such poor boundaries as yours OP.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:09

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:59

Thank you, yes she would also come to the meal out at a restaurant!
I think she wants to come - I mean we really like her! But you know…adult conversation.
I think it will have to be a pub next time 😂

Edited

Show quote history

Yes but if it's a restaurant it's on neutral ground and you can leave your own child at home. That way you're saying "no kids at all", not "my kid can be here because we're at our house but your kid can't because we don't want her there".

ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 15:09

takealettermsjones · 04/12/2023 13:46

To be honest I don't think you can suggest that the 15 year old doesn't come but the 7 year old still can. Without arguments, that is. It's either child free or it's not.

But it's the OP's own home? Her 7-year-old lives there. That doesn't mean she can't ever have an adults-only social gathering, ffs.

As she said, her son will go into another room and watch telly, so he isn't hindering the adults' conversations etc. But the teenager tags along with her parents and sits there earwigging.

She's 15. It's not like she needs a babysitter. She can be left at home. I don't really know any 15-year-olds who want to spend an evening/afternoon sitting there silently while their parents chat to their friends. I'd have been mortified.

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 04/12/2023 15:10

@easylikeasundaymorn yes I'm also wondering why the 15 year old doesn't ask to just stay home or the parents encourage this - it's a good start to independence to be left for a few hours. Or arrange when the 18 year old can be home with her sister?

I'm sure OP would have mentioned if there was anything like SN or anxiety that would prevent this being the best option all round.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:11

Jewnicorn · 04/12/2023 15:08

I’m coming at this from the opposite perspective as I have that 15 year old and I’m honestly really struggling with it. I feel like I can’t talk to my friends anymore without her being there, chipping in and making it so I can’t talk freely (or unload about the pressures of having teenagers). She also tends to monopolise the conversation and more than once I’ve had to pull her to one side and tell her that while I will happily listen to all of her friendship dramas, my friends
dont necessarily know who shes
talking about or find that interesting. Anyway there’s a chance your friends are struggling too but, like me, don’t know what to do about it as 15 year olds SO easily feel rejected. Any chance you can sound your friends out without outright saying you don’t want her there?

Isn't this kind of a "you problem" though?

Surely it's much easier to say to your own child, "please go and watch a film in the other room, I want to have adult time with my friends and not talk about teen stuff" than it is to say that to someone else's child or their parents?

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:12

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 14:54

Have I missed why their 15 ye old isn't staying at home when they come? (Sorry if so, I skimmed).

Actually not sure! She’s a great girl but I think always bringing her is weird

OP posts:

LakeTiticaca · 04/12/2023 15:14

What is it with teenagers wanting to hanging around with their parents? For
my generation (teens in the 70s) nobody would be seen dead out in public with their parents from the age of about 13. Oh the horror, the embarrassment!! 🤣

ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 15:15

most of these replies are weird! When I was a teen and my parents had friends over my siblings and I wouldn't have dreamed of sitting and hanging out with them - both because it would have been obvious the parents wouldn't want us there and because we wouldn't WANT to hang out with them. Yes we'd pop down and say hello and have a quick chat, and would eat with them but we wouldn't hang around, in the same way as the parents wouldn't expect to be included when the teen has their friends over!

Absolutely this.

Notamum12345577 · 04/12/2023 15:16

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:21

Just curious about what you’d view as unsuitable conversion for a 15 yr old. We socialise with friends and they would bring their older children and now my dc who is 17 may be there.
It’s often work moans, current affairs, general chatting.
I honestly can’t think of anything I wouldn’t say in front of an older teen.

Being 2 couples, maybe they want to talk about blow jobs and the like.

TheBeef · 04/12/2023 15:17

Poor you, your situation sounds tedious.

Maybe if they host, their DD will get on with her own thing? No matter what you say, your friends will be upset. The only thing you can do is arrange a babysitter for your ds and go out or to their house. You can then state you want some time just with adult friends. They probably still won't get it.

This happened in my friendship group. My close friend started being her older dd. Once their DD turned 18, they started turning up to night outs for dinner. It was all too much for me and we do not socialise as much now. My friend cannot understand that as lovely as their DD is, I don't want to socialise with them.

mantyzer · 04/12/2023 15:17

@Jewnicorn does your DD think these are also her friends? Because you need to be saying clearly these are my friends. And just like I do not come and sit with you and your friends all the time, you should not always come and sit with my friends. She needs to understand boundaries and you are doing her no favours not teaching these.

maisouimaisoui1 · 04/12/2023 15:18

Come up with an "adult" problem and say you'd like to discuss it with your friend and you find it tricky when 15 year old there!

Squeaky2023 · 04/12/2023 15:18

What's wrong with her that at 15, she wants to tag along to dinner with her parents and friends? She sounds strange and annoying.