Page 2 | Friends who always bring their teenager

Parentslife · 2023-12-04T13:42:26+00:00

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere. At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked. Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone. How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

randomstress · 04/12/2023 14:07

It sounds like her parents are part of the problem as well if they won't back you up when you explain where she is going to hang out.
Maybe explain to them first that you have set up a child space and would appreciate them helping you get the kids into it.

carkerpartridge · 04/12/2023 14:07

Do they always come to your house? Do you go to theirs and if so how does it work? Could you socialise in different ways, like pub, wine bar etc that would make it more likely to be childfree?

SisterMichaelsHabit · 04/12/2023 14:09

My son is too young to understand the context of what we say
I'm sorry if you're talking about adult things that would be too adult for a 15 year old to hear, you definitely shouldn't be saying them in front of a 7 year old. Surprised that needs saying.

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong, she's just being herself, stuck at a dull visit to someone's house where the only thing to do is eat the snacks they've put out. Poor girl.

BlazingWorld · 04/12/2023 14:09

I wonder what on earth "adult conversation" you are having or wanting to have? When I turned 14 or 15 I remember I didn't want to go and play with my cousins any more so I used to stay downstairs with the adults, my older cousin had made that transition a year or so before. I enjoyed adult conversation in the sense of adults talking and nobody thought to exclude me. It was mostly about home improvements and illnesses as far as I remember, as well as memories of the "old days".

Turfwars · 04/12/2023 14:10

I dropped a friend because of this (and other stuff but mostly this).

Her then 10yo dd used to leave the kids playing to join in a conversation we were having, and I did the usual adult thing of stopping what I was saying so she could ask her DM whatever it was she needed.

Turns out that what the DD needed was to know what I I was discussing about DH and I and her mother just filled her in on the last 5 mins of our previously private conversation. Then I start getting marital advice from the DD.
Didn't fucking ask you, kiddo.

Now that kid is 14 and still a dose.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:10

@DidiAskYouThough thanks, I hit reply on each one but it hasn’t copied the comment 🤔

OP posts:

Birdcar · 04/12/2023 14:11

"How do we politely ask them not to bring her?"

You can't.
Give it a year. She won't want to go anywhere.

ZenNudist · 04/12/2023 14:13

I think you will find yourself in this situation in 8 years time. I've dealt with my friends' teenage kids and now I have my own. We just accept them into our circle, talk to them, talk to our friends. If they'd rather sit with the adults that's fine. I wouldn't expect a 15yo and 7yo to sit together. It's more appropriate they sit with you.

Also what is this "hogs all the food"? Teens get hungry and love snacks. Get the snacks in. It's hospitable. I think YABU expecting the poor girl to stay home. They probably think it's a family meet if your ds is there.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:14

randomstress · 04/12/2023 14:07

It sounds like her parents are part of the problem as well if they won't back you up when you explain where she is going to hang out.
Maybe explain to them first that you have set up a child space and would appreciate them helping you get the kids into it.

Thank you, perhaps I do need to be a bit clearer of the boundaries and setting up a multi-age space better :)

OP posts:

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:14

Moveoverdarlin · 04/12/2023 13:52

I met up with girlfriends last week, we all live miles away so only see each other once a year. One brought their daughter who is 15, we sat there talking about who her friends are, What GCSE’s she’s doing, what music she’s in to. I didn’t travel 134 miles in the pissing rain to talk about mock GCSEs. Yes the adults made conversation but we were all conscience a child was there so most of our conversations were off limits, or watered down. It was a pain.

This was rude of your friend. My kids sometimes come to adult events as I have no childcare. I tell them to go off and play, or bring a book or colouring or nintendo and sit away from the main group with some biscuits. They love it as they get to eat as many biscuits as they like, and I get to have adult chats. I also leave early so the adults can carry on without kids being around. It totally changes the dynamic.

MermaidEyes · 04/12/2023 14:17

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong, she's just being herself, stuck at a dull visit to someone's house where the only thing to do is eat the snacks they've put out. Poor girl.

I'm thinking this. If I had to drag my child that age somewhere she'd be bored stiff, although would probably have her headphones in all evening. Tbh she's really at the age where, if she has a friend for company, your friends could leave her at home for the evening. She won't keep coming for long, so just get extra snacks in and wait it out.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:18

SisterMichaelsHabit · 04/12/2023 14:09

My son is too young to understand the context of what we say
I'm sorry if you're talking about adult things that would be too adult for a 15 year old to hear, you definitely shouldn't be saying them in front of a 7 year old. Surprised that needs saying.

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong, she's just being herself, stuck at a dull visit to someone's house where the only thing to do is eat the snacks they've put out. Poor girl.

Hey to be fair, it is totally dull for her and I don’t know why they bring her or why she wants to come.
The adult conversation is nothing awful but there’s chat about serious world issues, adult concepts, a bit of swearing, issues concerning our kids directly - things that are completely over my son’s head and he’s happy in another room anyway

OP posts:

goingtotown · 04/12/2023 14:19

Ask your close friend if their daughter has any friends because you've noticed that she's very quiet & doesn't seem to be enjoying herself.

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:19

LuvSmallDogs · 04/12/2023 14:06

I'd be careful with that line of thinking, too young to understand context is not too young to remember it, parrot it and ask someone else what it means...😬

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Come on... we all talk politics/relationships etc and have views and opinions we don't want children necessarily to be involved in - they're often not as informed etc, OP probably not talking about drug deals for god's sake.

While I do have political conversations etc with my kids, they have to be age-appropriate. If I want to discuss religion etc, I don't want to have to go through all the context to explain to a child, so that the conversation loses track.

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 14:19

just sits with us and eats all the food

Well, it's a bit rude to eat ALL the food!

justteanbiscuits · 04/12/2023 14:19

Our group of friends are really enjoying our kids turning 15/16 and being able to include them!! The younger kids all go off and cause mayhem, but the two older ones (15) sit with us now. Sometimes they join in, sometimes they just sit on their phones, buy it's all part of them learning to be grown up.

You either go kid free - so your son stays in his room and doesn't come down and interrupt. Or you include the teenager.

steppemum · 04/12/2023 14:20

I have a 16 year old.
She LOVES to be with the adults and listen in on the conversation.

Sometimes that's fine. We can talk politics/religion/life/ etc etc and that is fine. It isn't a bad thing for kids to listen in on that type of adult conversation.

BUT I then say to her - adult time now, go on, disappear for a while, and she will go off and curl up on sofa with her phone.

I would have a chat to your friend and suggest that you do a mix of that.
The hard thing is if there isn't another space for her to go to.
But if she can't get out of earshot, then neither can your 7 year old, and believe me, he is listening and picking stuff up too!

Wolvesart · 04/12/2023 14:21

We have an only child, he’s now 18. He wouldn’t always be with us when he was 14/15 if we were out to have dinner but usually been quite happy to have him along. There was a poster above who said they didn’t want to talk about GCSEs. Honestly, most people I know find it hard not to think or talk about GCSEs/A Levels/Uni applications at those stages of their kids lives whether they are there or not.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:21

Just curious about what you’d view as unsuitable conversion for a 15 yr old. We socialise with friends and they would bring their older children and now my dc who is 17 may be there.
It’s often work moans, current affairs, general chatting.
I honestly can’t think of anything I wouldn’t say in front of an older teen.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:22

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 14:19

just sits with us and eats all the food

Well, it's a bit rude to eat ALL the food!

I really like this girl but it is awkward, she’s at that age and my son is too young.
I love these friends too and would truly like some adult time!

OP posts:

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:22

steppemum · 04/12/2023 14:20

I have a 16 year old.
She LOVES to be with the adults and listen in on the conversation.

Sometimes that's fine. We can talk politics/religion/life/ etc etc and that is fine. It isn't a bad thing for kids to listen in on that type of adult conversation.

BUT I then say to her - adult time now, go on, disappear for a while, and she will go off and curl up on sofa with her phone.

I would have a chat to your friend and suggest that you do a mix of that.
The hard thing is if there isn't another space for her to go to.
But if she can't get out of earshot, then neither can your 7 year old, and believe me, he is listening and picking stuff up too!

This is the totally appropriate way to deal with children of this age, surely. They spend some time involved in the conversation as someone who is learning the adult world, but then leave the adults to it.

LuvSmallDogs · 04/12/2023 14:22

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:19

Come on... we all talk politics/relationships etc and have views and opinions we don't want children necessarily to be involved in - they're often not as informed etc, OP probably not talking about drug deals for god's sake.

While I do have political conversations etc with my kids, they have to be age-appropriate. If I want to discuss religion etc, I don't want to have to go through all the context to explain to a child, so that the conversation loses track.

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Oh sure, it really just depends on what the conversation is - if they're discussing the business of someone they know with euphemisms etc. Kids are great at innocently grassing up their parents lol!

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:24

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:21

Just curious about what you’d view as unsuitable conversion for a 15 yr old. We socialise with friends and they would bring their older children and now my dc who is 17 may be there.
It’s often work moans, current affairs, general chatting.
I honestly can’t think of anything I wouldn’t say in front of an older teen.

When with friends I sometimes talk about my sex life...! No doubt my teen wouldn't want to hear that! There are also things that would embarrass them, medical issues, conversations about past relationships, childhood experiences etc. Yes I'd be open with my children about most of these things, but it's a different conversation than that you can have with your best girl friends.

Precipice · 04/12/2023 14:24

goingtotown · 04/12/2023 14:19

Ask your close friend if their daughter has any friends because you've noticed that she's very quiet & doesn't seem to be enjoying herself.

What a rude and unpleasant comment this would be. Why doubt that the girl has friends just because she's ... quiet around her mother's friends? What an awful thing to say.

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:25

LuvSmallDogs · 04/12/2023 14:22

Oh sure, it really just depends on what the conversation is - if they're discussing the business of someone they know with euphemisms etc. Kids are great at innocently grassing up their parents lol!

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Ha! I've learnt that the hard way...!