Page 3 | Friends who always bring their teenager

Parentslife · 2023-12-04T13:42:26+00:00

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere. At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked. Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone. How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/12/2023 14:25

I think it's disgusting you're trying to dictate to your so-called friend that they can't bring their children with them.

Can you imagine if someone told you to leave your son with a babysitter so you could see them?

I know she's old enough to be on her own but what right do you have to tell them not to bring their child.

Just because she doesn't want to interact with your child. Simply don't invite the friend over. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like you. I'm so shocked you think this is ok.

cheddercherry · 04/12/2023 14:25

I’d more point out it doesn’t seem fun for her and why can’t she hang with mates for a few hours? I never went to my parents friends houses at that age I was more than capable of being in for a couple of hours alone or making plans with friends. I’m slightly perplexed they even bring her in the first place.

I don’t blame her given the option of a young boy or adults and food why she chooses adults though and I’m confused why she’d be expected to sit with a child all night instead. It’s a big gap between them now so it’s not like they’d hang out as friends.

Beyond just being honest that you find it changes the dynamic of the meet up and while your son can go in another room of his home having them both be separate isn’t working with your son and leaving him confused. You can either invite them less or invite them to go out without kids or suck it up until she refuses to come with her parents to sit awkwardly at their friends house.

easylikeasundaymorn · 04/12/2023 14:26

most of these replies are weird! When I was a teen and my parents had friends over my siblings and I wouldn't have dreamed of sitting and hanging out with them - both because it would have been obvious the parents wouldn't want us there and because we wouldn't WANT to hang out with them. Yes we'd pop down and say hello and have a quick chat, and would eat with them but we wouldn't hang around, in the same way as the parents wouldn't expect to be included when the teen has their friends over!

And if parents were invited to their friends house for an evening meal/drinks of course we wouldn't expect or want to go - the exception would be if it was a big new years eve party or something but then there would be lots of kids of different ages going, not just the host's young child, and to be honest at 15 I wouldn't have even gone to that.

The only thing that's possibly confusing the issue is your child being in the same room - if the adults are coming over for a dinner party I'd expect him to mainly be in bed for most of the time/chilling in his room before that. But even then it's understandable that he's in the house because it's your house and he's 7 - there is no reason at all why a 15 year old would come to someone else's house!

And the people being obtuse and querying why there would be things you wouldn't discuss in front of a 15 year old - well a) yes of course there are and b) even if you take the age out of it, it's the difference between the things you're happy to discuss with a close friend, and with an acquaintance you don't know particularly well (which the 15 year old is - SHE is not OP's friend). It's like the friend bringing along their mother in law or sister without being invited, which would be rude enough, but even weirder when it's a child.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:27

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:21

Just curious about what you’d view as unsuitable conversion for a 15 yr old. We socialise with friends and they would bring their older children and now my dc who is 17 may be there.
It’s often work moans, current affairs, general chatting.
I honestly can’t think of anything I wouldn’t say in front of an older teen.

Good question! It’s same as you but of course we talk quite heatedly about current affairs - real example was social media and creeps or weight and gender issues with young teens; the mother is quite conservative and looked uncomfortable so I was concerned I’d overstepped the boundary.
I have a boy so am completely out of my depth with teenagers!

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Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:28

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:24

When with friends I sometimes talk about my sex life...! No doubt my teen wouldn't want to hear that! There are also things that would embarrass them, medical issues, conversations about past relationships, childhood experiences etc. Yes I'd be open with my children about most of these things, but it's a different conversation than that you can have with your best girl friends.

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This sounds like mixed company though 2 couples together and the 2 kids. The two women won’t be discussing Brian’s failings in bedroom in front of Brian and the other man.
Its different to tagging a teen along on a ‘girls night’.

Emptyheadlock · 04/12/2023 14:31

I would absolutely hate this.

No one wants other kids at an adult get together.

My kids certainly aren't allowed to hang about with the adults all night.

steppemum · 04/12/2023 14:33

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:24

When with friends I sometimes talk about my sex life...! No doubt my teen wouldn't want to hear that! There are also things that would embarrass them, medical issues, conversations about past relationships, childhood experiences etc. Yes I'd be open with my children about most of these things, but it's a different conversation than that you can have with your best girl friends.

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yes exactly, there are plenty of things that you might want to talk about.

neilyoungismyhero · 04/12/2023 14:34

We had the same with some friends. Their grandchild (teenager) always came with them when we met up for a meal. She was quiet and read her book and whilst she didn't intrude it altered the dynamic and I resented them tbh. Right or wrong it's how I felt.

Feelinadequate23 · 04/12/2023 14:35

I think your best bet is meeting at a restaurant and specifying "let's have a kids-free meet up", then just get a babysitter for your son. They are probably bringing her because your son is there, so they feel it's a "family meet-up" rather than couples.

You can't ask they don't bring her when your son is there as then it becomes personal about her and will cause offence.

Either cough up for a babysitter or ride it out for a year or two. Guarantee she won't still be there at 17!

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:35

justteanbiscuits · 04/12/2023 14:19

Our group of friends are really enjoying our kids turning 15/16 and being able to include them!! The younger kids all go off and cause mayhem, but the two older ones (15) sit with us now. Sometimes they join in, sometimes they just sit on their phones, buy it's all part of them learning to be grown up.

You either go kid free - so your son stays in his room and doesn't come down and interrupt. Or you include the teenager.

I think this is a great comment - I’m happy to include her especially if this a normal thing to do with a 15 year old. I thought it’s was very weird - perhaps it’s not!
I guess we just have to watch what we say a bit

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Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:36

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:27

Good question! It’s same as you but of course we talk quite heatedly about current affairs - real example was social media and creeps or weight and gender issues with young teens; the mother is quite conservative and looked uncomfortable so I was concerned I’d overstepped the boundary.
I have a boy so am completely out of my depth with teenagers!

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Mines an only and quite mature for her age maybe that colours my view. Shes also studying politics A level so is interested and very clued up on current affairs.
Social media, gender etc it’s interesting to hear younger viewpoint.
She is often not there and my friends kids are early 20s now but I wouldn’t say conversation greatly differs if they are there or not.
If she’s 15 and sat there like a lump not joining in at all and mum is not wanting to discuss certain topics in front of her I can see that’s wearing thin.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:36

neilyoungismyhero · 04/12/2023 14:34

We had the same with some friends. Their grandchild (teenager) always came with them when we met up for a meal. She was quiet and read her book and whilst she didn't intrude it altered the dynamic and I resented them tbh. Right or wrong it's how I felt.

Thank you! Some of these comments are so savage but some are also very constructive

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BrimfulOfMash · 04/12/2023 14:37

When you invite adult friends over for dinner, that’s who you invite ! Your own kids get put to bed, or occupy themselves in their rooms (after politely saying hello to everyone), the guests get a babysitter, if needed, or put their baby / toddler to sleep upstairs with yours. Teens get left at home or go to a friends!

Bit different if it is a multi generational Sunday lunch or similar.

They are being really unreasonable bringing a 15yo.

Not sure what you can say though. Maybe “ it must be a real pain for your Dd now she’s too old to hang out with Ds, don’t feel obliged to bring her!”

Pugdays · 04/12/2023 14:40

Don't moderate what your talking about ,with any luck she won't want to come again .
Failing that ,I'd just be honest,and say it's hard to chat with your dd present,is there a time your free when she's busy

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/12/2023 14:40

Yes, maybe make it an evening thing, so your boy is in bed and make it very very clear that it’s adults only.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:41

Greycottage · 04/12/2023 13:56

Well you can’t ask them not to bring her, can you? That’s just so rude and unkind.

You’ll have to just invite them less and wait for her to leave home or become less surly. Either way only 3-4 yrs to wait.

I definitely don’t want to be rude or unkind - these are our closest friends. It’s just gotten awkward but there’s some good suggestions on this thread

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arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 14:42

I think it's really strange the15 yr old comes with her parents.
All my invites now, from and to, now that we all have teenagers are very clear - adults only.
In your situation, I wouldn't have them over any more till she stops coming. Meet them other places if you still want to see them.

steppemum · 04/12/2023 14:42

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Superduper02 · 04/12/2023 14:43

YABU. They are probably delighted their teen still wants to go places with them. Be prepared for a fallout if you suggest their family isn't welcome to your gatherings. They might think your 7 year old is unwanted company at 'grown up gatherings' but that tough. You are both families.

witmum · 04/12/2023 14:43

Socialise at your friends house?

The daughter could then go to her room. Your son could go into the lounge.

It sounds like your friendship was built with the kids around so difficult to change.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:44

carkerpartridge · 04/12/2023 14:07

Do they always come to your house? Do you go to theirs and if so how does it work? Could you socialise in different ways, like pub, wine bar etc that would make it more likely to be childfree?

I think we’ll start trying more of this

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Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:46

MermaidEyes · 04/12/2023 14:17

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong, she's just being herself, stuck at a dull visit to someone's house where the only thing to do is eat the snacks they've put out. Poor girl.

I'm thinking this. If I had to drag my child that age somewhere she'd be bored stiff, although would probably have her headphones in all evening. Tbh she's really at the age where, if she has a friend for company, your friends could leave her at home for the evening. She won't keep coming for long, so just get extra snacks in and wait it out.

This is good advice thank you

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MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 14:47

I don't think you can really ask them to come to your house and leave their daughter at home.

You will have to suggest having a child free evening out somewhere else and get a babysitter I'm afraid.

Londonrach1 · 04/12/2023 14:47

A 15 year old is still a child, the 18 year is different. Yabu here. Either both of you don't have your children or the children come. Wait until your 7 year old is 15.

fuckssaaaaake · 04/12/2023 14:48

If it's your house it's fine to say that, otherwise; you don't call the shots, especially when you bring yours