Page 6 | Friends who always bring their teenager

Parentslife · 2023-12-04T13:42:26+00:00

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere. At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked. Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone. How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

smilesup · 04/12/2023 15:18

It's a bit weird for a 15 year old wants to come. Why don't they leave her at home? Poor kid.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:19

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:36

Mines an only and quite mature for her age maybe that colours my view. Shes also studying politics A level so is interested and very clued up on current affairs.
Social media, gender etc it’s interesting to hear younger viewpoint.
She is often not there and my friends kids are early 20s now but I wouldn’t say conversation greatly differs if they are there or not.
If she’s 15 and sat there like a lump not joining in at all and mum is not wanting to discuss certain topics in front of her I can see that’s wearing thin.

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Thanks for understanding, you ‘get’ the situation

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TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 15:19

Same lake. Both mine are out and about with their own friends / Saturday jobs/ school work and have to three line whip to get them to come to family gatherings. No way would they come to a meet up with our friends with a 7 year old. Which frankly I prefer.

mantyzer · 04/12/2023 15:19

Its not even about sex. If we are having money worries I don't want to talk about that in front of my children in the same way I would talk to friends about it.

greencheetah · 04/12/2023 15:21

Of course always bringing her is weird! I can’t believe anyone thinks otherwise.

I would have to dial back on meeting at yours. Meet out and say “I’ve booked a table for four” so there’s no doubt.

snoozylulu · 04/12/2023 15:21

I did this as a child (and looking back was probably ultra annoying) but tbh it was because I was a minimum of six years older than all my parents' friends' children. They were the same age as my sibling, who got to play with the kids. I was bored stiff.

SpringMeadows · 04/12/2023 15:23

She ignores my son which is quite confusing for him and sits with us so we can’t have adult conversation.

have an adult conversation and see what her parents do/say. If they don't want her to hear, they'll have to either not bring her, or say something, which is when you explain that you'd like to be able to have an adult chat.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:23

ActDottie · 04/12/2023 15:04

This. I think it’ll cause too much tension. Can you start meeting up child free?

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Yes I do agree this is the case too - I’d be a bit hypocritical to have my son and not their daughter.
But common sense dictates that the age gap between them and her desire to sit with us makes for awkward dynamics. Plus my son is alone in another room which makes him feel a bit sad. But she also shouldn’t be used as his babysitter.
Bit of an odd situation.

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AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 04/12/2023 15:25

@Jewnicorn - your teen needs to learn that other people have priority for your time and attention sometimes and they don't want to listen to her. If you class that as "rejection" well, sorry but I think it's just teaching them to be respectful and learning to deal with the adult world where no one loves and indulges them like their parents do.

Sounds like you need to be a lot firmer with her and let her know that it's adult time only. Or you will end up with an entitled bore of a child. And lose friends over her behaviour.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:25

SpringMeadows · 04/12/2023 15:23

She ignores my son which is quite confusing for him and sits with us so we can’t have adult conversation.

have an adult conversation and see what her parents do/say. If they don't want her to hear, they'll have to either not bring her, or say something, which is when you explain that you'd like to be able to have an adult chat.

This happened last time so they asked her to leave the room.
Not an ideal situation 😏

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arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 15:25

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/12/2023 14:25

I think it's disgusting you're trying to dictate to your so-called friend that they can't bring their children with them.

Can you imagine if someone told you to leave your son with a babysitter so you could see them?

I know she's old enough to be on her own but what right do you have to tell them not to bring their child.

Just because she doesn't want to interact with your child. Simply don't invite the friend over. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like you. I'm so shocked you think this is ok.

Crikey. This is a totally different vibe from my friendship group. Right from when our kids were small it's been perfectly normal and acceptable to say 'Fancy a coffee Saturday? Kid free though, need to off load about Bob BIG TIME.' No one has taken any offence as far as I know.

Sallyh87 · 04/12/2023 15:27

I don’t understand the ‘she hogs all the food’ comment. Just buy more food surely? I cannot imagine begrudging a 15 year old as much food as she wants.

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 15:29

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/12/2023 14:25

I think it's disgusting you're trying to dictate to your so-called friend that they can't bring their children with them.

Can you imagine if someone told you to leave your son with a babysitter so you could see them?

I know she's old enough to be on her own but what right do you have to tell them not to bring their child.

Just because she doesn't want to interact with your child. Simply don't invite the friend over. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like you. I'm so shocked you think this is ok.

I think you have quite a different friendship set up if you cannot see the problem in taking your teenager along with you to an event to which YOU have been invited.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:29

Sallyh87 · 04/12/2023 15:27

I don’t understand the ‘she hogs all the food’ comment. Just buy more food surely? I cannot imagine begrudging a 15 year old as much food as she wants.

She’s of course welcome to the food! And there’s the usual pre-dinner snacks but she will quite honestly eat most of it - plus sits at the table listening to our conversation.
I’m sure this is normal for a teenager but it irks me and I’d pull my own son up on it

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stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 04/12/2023 15:30

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:50

She ignores my son which is quite confusing for him and sits with us so we can’t have adult conversation.

is this at your house? or do you go out somewhere? It feels a bit like you expect the 15 year old girl to go babysit the 7 year old boy which probably isn't fair or realistic.

How about you suggest going kid free to a neutral space like a restaurant because as nice as [x] is you feel a bit self conscious talking in front of her and say it'd be nice to have an adult conversation for a change.

Sallyh87 · 04/12/2023 15:32

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:29

She’s of course welcome to the food! And there’s the usual pre-dinner snacks but she will quite honestly eat most of it - plus sits at the table listening to our conversation.
I’m sure this is normal for a teenager but it irks me and I’d pull my own son up on it

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Just get more.

It sound’s annoying and I would dislike having a teenager there but you know she eats loads get double.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:32

stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 04/12/2023 15:30

is this at your house? or do you go out somewhere? It feels a bit like you expect the 15 year old girl to go babysit the 7 year old boy which probably isn't fair or realistic.

How about you suggest going kid free to a neutral space like a restaurant because as nice as [x] is you feel a bit self conscious talking in front of her and say it'd be nice to have an adult conversation for a change.

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It’s at our house and I definitely don’t expect her to babysit my son but I think her parents might.
It’s not really a good atmosphere for a 15 year old, the age gap is too big between the kids and the adults want to chat

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anunlikelyseahorse · 04/12/2023 15:32

Is there a reason why the parents don't leave her at home? Has she got SEN? My teens would be bored shitless if I took them round to a friends house for an 'adult' meal. Don't think my friends would be too chuffed either!

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 15:32

Sallyh87 · 04/12/2023 15:27

I don’t understand the ‘she hogs all the food’ comment. Just buy more food surely? I cannot imagine begrudging a 15 year old as much food as she wants.

I am imagining that the OP has set up nibbles and cheese/crackers etc - that no one's actually come for dinner as such, just evening snacks.
The fact that the 15 yo is eating lots of the food indicates that she is either 1) hungry and should not arrive at someone else house that she was not even invited to having not had a meal or 2) greedy and not ready to attend an adult event.

If a teenager has had dinner then I absolutely would begrudge them helping themselves to the treats I might have bought for me and my friends.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 15:33

I wonder if her parents like having her there?
I would very much doubt it, so they might be hoping you say something!

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:34

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 04/12/2023 15:06

@Dinoswearunderpants shocked it's perfectly fine and reasonable for OP to want some adult only chat time without a 15 year old hanging around for gods sake.

Kids don't have to be the central of the world for every single second. Being told she needs to go elsewhere for an hour or two sounds like a good life lesson for Miss grumpy knickers to me.

Hahaha well said thank you ☺️

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largeprintagathachristie · 04/12/2023 15:36

I don’t understand, thinking of my 15 year old self, why the 15 year old WANTS to come in the first place.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:37

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 15:32

I am imagining that the OP has set up nibbles and cheese/crackers etc - that no one's actually come for dinner as such, just evening snacks.
The fact that the 15 yo is eating lots of the food indicates that she is either 1) hungry and should not arrive at someone else house that she was not even invited to having not had a meal or 2) greedy and not ready to attend an adult event.

If a teenager has had dinner then I absolutely would begrudge them helping themselves to the treats I might have bought for me and my friends.

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Yesss 🙌 Exactly - it’s nibbles laid out for the adults plus extra cheese/crackers etc but she’ll just eat most of it. She’s too old for me to give separate food to - would seem petty

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NoTouch · 04/12/2023 15:38

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:27

Good question! It’s same as you but of course we talk quite heatedly about current affairs - real example was social media and creeps or weight and gender issues with young teens; the mother is quite conservative and looked uncomfortable so I was concerned I’d overstepped the boundary.
I have a boy so am completely out of my depth with teenagers!

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I would not be having any conversation I would have to modify around a 15 year old if there was a 7 year old that could be eavesdropping nearby.

15 years olds are old enough to know, or this is a perfect time to learn, people have their own opinions about some topics and (most of the time) they should be discussed respectfully. You would probably be more horrified listening to their conversations than they would be of yours!!

If her mum looks uncomfortable that is her choice whether to bring her or not, and to discuss anything 1-1 with her after if she is concerned.

OVienna · 04/12/2023 15:38

@Parentslife How far away do you live from each other? Our DDs have been left during the day, even the evening, at this age, and even when we were a couple of hours away from home. Is there any way this is a safety sort of thing? Do you always bring your seven year old to theirs (sorry, don't think I've seen an answer to this) and what happens when you are at theirs? Is there ANY question that the teen is being told to join in out of some sort of politeness expectation?

I agree the off-limits conversation is mega annoying and the lack of boundaries would piss me off too. It's actually not just a question of the daughter, it could be another friend they always insisted on bringing or a relative etc. Do you ever get alone time with your friends at all? It's reasonable to want some.