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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
fuckssaaaaake · 04/12/2023 14:49

Sorry missed update re your home

HelenaCh9 · 04/12/2023 14:50

It’ll blow over when she gets a boyfriend!

bloodyfreezinghere · 04/12/2023 14:50

BlazingWorld · 04/12/2023 14:09

I wonder what on earth "adult conversation" you are having or wanting to have? When I turned 14 or 15 I remember I didn't want to go and play with my cousins any more so I used to stay downstairs with the adults, my older cousin had made that transition a year or so before. I enjoyed adult conversation in the sense of adults talking and nobody thought to exclude me. It was mostly about home improvements and illnesses as far as I remember, as well as memories of the "old days".

That’s because they couldn’t talk about who was shagging who because you were there.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 04/12/2023 14:50

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:10

@DidiAskYouThough thanks, I hit reply on each one but it hasn’t copied the comment 🤔

You need to click on ‘quote’ not reply. It’s one of the options if you click on the 3 dots.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 04/12/2023 14:50

Hey to be fair, it is totally dull for her and I don’t know why they bring her or why she wants to come.

They probably make her come along

Evilcold · 04/12/2023 14:50

Ask her parents what she would like to watch that is also child friendly, then set it up in the other room with snacks and drinks. Maybe this will get the message across subtly.

AgnesX · 04/12/2023 14:50

My mum has that.... Her friend comes with her young adult children (SEN).

They come to watch daytime TV although they're not allowed to at home which is odd in itself. It would be fair enough except that it's at top volume. You can hear it blaring half way down the street 🙄

tkwal · 04/12/2023 14:50

I think its time to speak to your friends about this. We have friends who bring their 14 year old with them ,she eats with us but will then f8nd a cosy spot , put her headphones on and immerse herself in her ipod until its time to leave. She's a beautifully mannered girl and behaves perfectly in all kinds of company but has learned boundaries

squeekychicken · 04/12/2023 14:52

My dc is a bit younger, but I would say to dc 'it's adult time now, go and watch a movie' . Tbh I don't know many 15 year olds who wouldn't want to stay at home or see friends.

Original poster
Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:52

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/12/2023 14:25

I think it's disgusting you're trying to dictate to your so-called friend that they can't bring their children with them.

Can you imagine if someone told you to leave your son with a babysitter so you could see them?

I know she's old enough to be on her own but what right do you have to tell them not to bring their child.

Just because she doesn't want to interact with your child. Simply don't invite the friend over. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like you. I'm so shocked you think this is ok.

That’s cool, you’re entitled to your opinion. You don’t know me at all so this is a bit rude TBH.
My husband and I have no family and never have time to ourselves. When we do rarely entertain I’m surprised a 15 year old wants to come when there’s very little to engage her.
I really like this girl but the conversation is always modified.
It’s totally OK to just want the company of adults and not always with kids in tow. My son is in bed by 7.30-8 so easier for us to kick back and relax.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:53

squeekychicken · 04/12/2023 14:52

My dc is a bit younger, but I would say to dc 'it's adult time now, go and watch a movie' . Tbh I don't know many 15 year olds who wouldn't want to stay at home or see friends.

My thoughts exactly 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:54

tkwal · 04/12/2023 14:50

I think its time to speak to your friends about this. We have friends who bring their 14 year old with them ,she eats with us but will then f8nd a cosy spot , put her headphones on and immerse herself in her ipod until its time to leave. She's a beautifully mannered girl and behaves perfectly in all kinds of company but has learned boundaries

That sounds great 😌

OP posts:
CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 14:54

I'm in a book club and we take it in turns to host at our homes.
We got together when our now 14/15 year olds were 7 or so. Some of us also have older children/young adults, some have younger.

It's a social evening with our friends. There are plenty of things we do (or could do) with the adults and the children, but this isn't one of them.

Now they're older they might pop in, swipe some snacks, say hello and then clear off, or sometimes an older one might come back from an evening out and stop 10-15 mins to have a chat. It's lovely that they feel comfortable doing that.

I don't think any of us want the club to start including our children as part of the evening. It would change it entirely. We've had newborns attend, we've had toddlers sit on knees for a bit, we've had primary age children popping in and out - and all of that's fine - it's their home.

I suppose there is no right or wrong, and social groups evolve, but if a group was set up as adults only and then it changes, it's fine to not then want to be a part of the new arrangement.

SwingTheMonkey · 04/12/2023 14:54

I always think it really odd when parents think their child needs to be present at any and every occasion. I chose to be friends with the adults, not their children. And whilst I absolutely don’t mind having kids in tow at a family occasion- for example Sunday lunch, dinner parties and the like are adults only.

Things we might discuss at an adults only gathering include health issues, issues with family/parents, things happening to friends in common - alongside all the other things previous posters have mentioned. And whilst some of topics things can be things a young teen could join in with - like politics, a large amount is simply none of their business.

The only solution to this op, is to occasionally suggest an evening out without kids. Unless they are totally bonkers, they’ll be ok with an evening out, leaving the teenager at home.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 14:54

Have I missed why their 15 ye old isn't staying at home when they come? (Sorry if so, I skimmed).

SaltyGod · 04/12/2023 14:54

I’d find this difficult. Our conversations are definitely not suitable for children and the atmosphere would be altered by having a teenager there. When there are children around it is different and not as open.

As a PP said, totally fine at a multi generational Sunday lunch or family dinner, but very different at an adults ‘come round for dinner and drinks’ type evening.

If we end up having kids over they are clearly set up in a different room with different food and an activity / tv. Parents pop in to check every so often if needed. Sometimes, rarely, the very little ones are put to bed and carried out asleep to the car.

To your dilemma, I think either a separate room/area and food for her and your son, or an invite which said ‘I really want to catch up with you, so can we make it adults only’ would not be rude but fairly clear

Newtonianmechanics · 04/12/2023 14:54

My 15 year old would not want to be anywhere near this. She would be so bored and is always with her mates anyway.
However not all teens are like this some are with their parents all of the time. So unless it's children free. Then you can't say anything without making it akward.

HYDEY55 · 04/12/2023 14:55

Of course it’s okay to just want time with adults, with a teenager it just becomes about them, like every other hour of the day 😂

Nice to chat freely and not have to watch every word, much more relaxing

Original poster
Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:55

Evilcold · 04/12/2023 14:50

Ask her parents what she would like to watch that is also child friendly, then set it up in the other room with snacks and drinks. Maybe this will get the message across subtly.

I have tried this - I just think she’s become ‘too cool’ to hang out with my son

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:56

Newtonianmechanics · 04/12/2023 14:54

My 15 year old would not want to be anywhere near this. She would be so bored and is always with her mates anyway.
However not all teens are like this some are with their parents all of the time. So unless it's children free. Then you can't say anything without making it akward.

Yep have to suck this one up - I like them and their daughters too much to cause offence

OP posts:
AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 04/12/2023 14:56

I still don't think it matters. To me, the only polite way to ask this is, "hey, we've met up with the kids the last few times, it'd be nice to have a child free meet up! What do you think..." etc. Then you sort childcare for the 7 year old.

Yep this is your only option!

SnobblyBobbly · 04/12/2023 14:56

Well kids grow up and situations evolve. Give it a few months and she'll be at her own parties. In fact it's quite likely your friends will gradually take their social lives elsewhere too since they have more freedom.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 14:57

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:21

Just curious about what you’d view as unsuitable conversion for a 15 yr old. We socialise with friends and they would bring their older children and now my dc who is 17 may be there.
It’s often work moans, current affairs, general chatting.
I honestly can’t think of anything I wouldn’t say in front of an older teen.

It's fair to say your conversations must be very different to mine. My adult chat would be about shagging, crap men, teenage behaviours, how damaging trans is, debating x and x's relationship etc etc very little overlap.

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 14:57

I’d be irked by this.

Did you say you can’t get a baby sitter? I’d be booking nights out!

Do they make her come or does she want to come?

If you booked a meal out would she come to that too?

Original poster
Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:58

SaltyGod · 04/12/2023 14:54

I’d find this difficult. Our conversations are definitely not suitable for children and the atmosphere would be altered by having a teenager there. When there are children around it is different and not as open.

As a PP said, totally fine at a multi generational Sunday lunch or family dinner, but very different at an adults ‘come round for dinner and drinks’ type evening.

If we end up having kids over they are clearly set up in a different room with different food and an activity / tv. Parents pop in to check every so often if needed. Sometimes, rarely, the very little ones are put to bed and carried out asleep to the car.

To your dilemma, I think either a separate room/area and food for her and your son, or an invite which said ‘I really want to catch up with you, so can we make it adults only’ would not be rude but fairly clear

Thank you! I do have a rumpus set up but she’ll still prefer to sit with us!

OP posts: