Friends who always bring their teenager

[Parentslife]

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

Of course it’s confusing for a 7 year old child. The teenager used to be quite happy to hang around with him and now she doesn’t want anything to do with him. As adults we understand why that is, but a child won’t.

The OP was a little confusingly written but the OP's child is 7 now. There was a reference to other teen being 15 now but 13 when the children met so they were 5 and 13 and are now 7 and 15.

Have you tried not doing food? Maybe post dinner drinks?

So when it's at yours you want to get rid of her by sending your son to bed and hoping they take the hint, and when it's at theirs you want to get rid of her by getting a babysitter and hoping they take the hint. Maybe you could just pick one or the other - make your hints when hosting but do it your friends' way when they are hosting, or vice versa, rather than pushing on both fronts.

I dunno, we have a 14 and 16 yo, it's a tricky age. They can be uber-independent one minute and clingy, full of doubt the next so pushing them out feels meaner than I'd have expected. When my kids were younger I was imagining they'd be staying home or dispatched to watch films by now but what we have actually gone the other way. We had one teen (not mine) with us last time while the others all went off together. I think it was quite important that that one felt included by someone, even if it was only the adults! So I would favour just running with it. Having teens is a bit like having a baby, in that the reality is different to how you thought it would be. When I had a toddler I thought a 7 year old would be super independent and follow all the rules, but in reality they still needed a lot of grace and support. Same thing really with a teen.

Do you think the 15 yo is coming along JUST for the food?
I'm sure you put on a lovely spread, OP, but it would be quite odd to invite yourself to your parents' evening out just so you could help yourself to tasty nibbles.

Jeez! If my husband and I were invited to a friend's house for dinner, there's no way I would ever have taken my child/children with me!

Very strange behaviour by the parents!

I'm genuinely baffled as to why this teenager is turning up at the OPs house 20 minutes before her parents but the OP mentions that she seems to like the food. It's very odd and I'm running out of logical explanations.

Same. I'm a bit bored of it really! I'll move on.

Yes agree that’s very strange. Are you very glamorous or extremely nice to this teen op?! I have teens and cannot imagine either of them or any of their friends doing this!

Why can't you have adult conversations and include her? I do with my 15 year old and 13 year old when around my friends.

They hear it all, gossip, swearing, a few dilemmas etc. She's not 2

They like to feel involved and my daughter especially feels 'accepted' in to the girl group and it's lovely for her and a taste of independence

@spiderleggings you never meet your friends without your DCs?

because it might be delightful for the parents but other people aren't as charmed by friends' kids as they are. I'm more than happy to chat to my friends' children when I arrive but I don't want them sitting their for the duration of the visit. What a snooze.

@spiderleggings Would you be happy for another parent to hang around with one of your DD and ger friends because they like to feel included?

OK but their actual child was there. Not sure your point is relevant.

As if you are trying to pass that off as being even remotely the same 😂

There's definitely a time and place for a mixed age gathering but it's not all the time.

@Blondebutnotlegally I am not but I am trying to make clear that friends teenagers are not friends of their parents. Even if they get on really well, there is a real difference.

Surely you have a line?
My mother 'involving' my then 15 year old sister during a very difficult time for our family (father in prison, home re-possessed) in all her conversations did not make her feel accepted or give her a taste of independent adult life - at all.

I presume your 'few dilemmas' might be suitable for your children to listen to, but I don't think I'm alone in not wanting (or thinking it appropriate) to involve my children in say..discussions on what incontinence products their grandad should be using, how decisions about their grandmothers care might be taken out of her hands. These are things I don't necessarily shield them from, but I would talk to them in an age and relationship appropriate way.

With my adult friends I can let my guard down, maybe let off some tension with some morbid humour, share experiences.

I involve my children in many, many things, but not bloody everything.

I really, really enjoy spending time with my friends' adults daughters. I don't have daughters and there are some things my sons don't enjoy e.g. the live ballet broadcasts, musicals, most of the books I read.

Sometimes they come along to shows, or join us open water swimming and it's truly lovely. I love my nieces. It's so refreshing to be with the next generation.

I don't want these same adult daughters and my nieces at my book club.

You can’t force your decision to over share with your teens on other people though.

And this isn’t a situation where there’s a ‘girl gang’ gossiping. It’s 2 couples trying to have a conversation.

I've read the whole thread and when they said about their DD walking home when your DS goes to bed, I'd have replied
"Oh that's a pity. I think it really would be better if your DD stayed at home this time. I mean we might even get to talking about Christmas presents and we'd hate to spoil any sort of surprise. Though why she'd want to come and sit and listen to a bunch of old fogies talk about politics and what not I'll never know. DS will be going to bed before you guys get here (make a deal with your DS that if he goes to his room and stays there, you'll give him £10 or something) so there really isn't any need for your DD to come with you this time"

Time to start being as awkward with them as they are with you.

So what if they are offended? You're uncomfortable in your own home, with your friends because they can't or won't cut the apron strings and leave their 15 year old daughter at home, 3 streets away with their 18 year old other adult child.

Feck that for a game of soldiers.

Maybe that's the problem. It's one couple trying to have a couples conversation and one couple trying to see family friends.

Its one couple putting what is best for their children first. You can see it in the comments here about what their teenager gets out of it.
But for good friendships you have to consider everyone.

Eugh. What a horrible friend you are. Let’s hope your angelic seven year old turns into a teenage brat, then you’ll be eating your nasty, ill-chosen words.