Friends who always bring their teenager

[Parentslife]

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

It’s not that she’s too cool to hang out with your son. She has nothing in common with a 7 year old and it would be very boring for them to be stuck in a room with each other for any length of time.

Agree. But the same goes for the OP - she doesn't have anything in common with the 15 year old and finds it boring/annoying to be stuck with her...

Wow you sound lovely

goingtotown
Ask your close friend if their daughter has any friends because you've noticed that she's very quiet & doesn't seem to be enjoying herself.

What a rude and unpleasant comment this would be. Why doubt that the girl has friends just because she's ... quiet around her mother's friends? What an awful thing to say.

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I read it as asking if she wanted to bring a friend, not accusing her of not having any?

They clearly want their child there. Same as OP. You can choose which children are allowed based on whether you like.them or not.

I think that has already been suggested but she doesn't want to.

Yeah, so weird. If she doesn't want to hang out with the 7 year old, why come over to sit with the adults but then go home when the 7 year old goes to bed?

There could be lots of things going on:

Your friends are still in the routine off children attending as well and see their DD as a child and therefore can attend.

Usually the 15 yr olds would NOT want to hang out with 7 yr old - despite being paid and would happily hang out with adults.

You've got good snacks and they are hungry (most teenagers are always hungry).

She could be struggling with M/H, friendship issues and needs security off her parents.

Her parents insist she goes and won't take no for an answer.

As they offered to send her home when your DS goes to bed, I would try this tactic.

I like my friends' children. But theyre not my actual friends!

I agree with you. You’ve missed my point.

Of course we go to lots of places without our teenagers. You’re misconstruing my reply. I said ‘If the OP needs adult time then get a babysitter and go out so it’s clear to their visitors. Then IF it’s not a good time to leave their daughter they can say so.’ My issue is the attitude of the OP towards the teenager - ie; it’s ok for their child to be in the room but not their visitors child because they don’t fit the OP’s expectations any longer. Just trying to get people to see there might be other things going on.

But he’s not in the room? He’s there in the house, but in a different room, entertaining himself. The teenager is at the table, with the adults.

That’s the whole point of the thread…

I agree with you. Maybe the OP hasn’t considered this and asked. It’s a sensitive subject and not one that people just drop into casual conversation.

Nope. She said in one of her updates that he was in the room watching TV and wouldn’t understand their conversation so it would be ok for him to overhear their adult conversations as it would just go over his head. Which is the whole point of me commenting.

I’m afraid that’s just part of having a teenager. The awkward social phase. You’ll probably experience similar when yours is older. Nothing to be done but ride it out.

Surely you 7 year old is now 9?

If these are your ‘best’ friends… why can’t you just drop into conversation or ask your friend outright why the 15 year old still tags along…. Just say “ Does Julie still want to come here?, I’m surprised she doesn’t want to stay home on her xBox etc… or ask the mum “Could you please ask Julie to go and watch tv with Tom next time you come?… Because I’d love for the four of us to chat freely!”

I have a group of 3 family friends with children ranging from 22 to 3 years old. We socialise in each other’s houses too. I’ve known the eldest child since she was about 12/13. These are my very best friends but the wide range of kids ages can be tricky.

There is definitely an awkward middle stage where they are too old to play with the toys etc but too young to participate in the adult conversation. It passes after about 12/18 months and then they are quite happy to sit with the adults.

We never filter our conversations and the 22 year old girl is now consider a friend rather than a friend’s daughter. We just include her. Recently her boyfriend has also joined in with our meet ups and he’s lovely. We’re now a gang of 8 adults rather than 6. If we ever do an adult only night out at the pub then the eldest daughter would now come - unless one of us needs a babysitter 😂

My eldest son is 14 and definitely awkward atm. The younger kids irritate him and the adults are boring. But I keep trying to include and know that one day I’ll love the fact that he’ll want to sit at the table with us and socialise. In fact I can’t wait as he’s actually very funny.

As for eating all of the food, make more! It’s really lovely to hear she rates your cooking so much. Teenagers never stop eating so start saving for when your son gets there 😂

All jokes aside, good luck. I hope you manage to figure it out for all sides :-)

Like many people, you’ve jumped to conclusions because you haven’t read my comments but hey there’s now 16 pages to wade through so I’ll help you out:

• We live 3 streets away from these friends
• She has an 18 year old sister who could be home if needed
• She’s a very independent girl and often left at home - her parents have also suggested at times that she’s more than capable of babysitting our son by herself
• We have politely said on the last visit, ‘Oh please don’t think that DS needs babysitting by your DD, if she wants to stay home tonight we completely understand. It would be so boring for her!’ But she actually arrived 20 minutes early before her parents!

LATEST UPDATE:

• Asked them over this weekend and said, ‘Hey we’re putting DS to bed early so we can have a really good adult chat and some kid-free time.’
• They said, ‘Oh Ok DD will just stay until your DS goes to bed, then she’ll walk home.’ 🤯

What do you all think about that? Comments welcome.

I’m also going to say, once again, for the people at the back:

• THERE ARE PLENTY OF SNACKS
• I DO NOT expect her to babysit my son
• She does not have special needs
• WE LIKE THIS GIRL, in fact think she’s wonderful and get along with her really well BUT have a right to want a night without her tagging along especially as she’s not actually invited
• Our son is 7 (not 9 as someone accused me of 🤯) and he is NOT in the room for the majority of the early part of the evening, then in bed. Just because my young DS is there DOES NOT mean bringing a teenager is always appropriate
• I have NOTHING against teenagers nor shaming this one. This is about boundaries
• We CANNOT raise this issue with the friends as they will 100% be offended

CONCLUSION

• We don’t know why they bring her or why she wants to come
• We suspect is partially because there’s food, she likes us and the Mum and Dad for some reason think that our DS needs a babysitter. She definitely does not want to hang with him and I don’t blame her! He is a chilled kid who finds us all completely boring and happy to play Nintendo etc

SOLUTION
(thanks to the good comments)

• Make an extra effort with teenager this weekend and I actually feel sorry for her that she’s in this situation too
• Accept this is an awkward phase that will pass
• Go out next time and get a babysitter for our DS when we go to theirs to set a precedent

well she’s more than double his age! how is it confusing??

Your comment is confusing! 🫤
Which part are you referring to?

She will not pick up on my feelings because I like her too much for that.
I’m more annoyed that our friends are not picking up the hints.
When my son is 14-15 he’ll be left at home! Plus he doesn’t want to listen to the adults now, let alone then.

Kids can learn those social skills in their own home when their parents choose to include them in conversation, not by coming everywhere with parents

Thanks, see my last comment

Why dont you pay the 15 year old to babysit and go out.

Yeah he might not need babysitting but speak to him seperatly to tell him this isnt a reflection on his abiity to amuse himself.

Your blatant dislike for this teen is going to become obvious at some point so I'd resolve this issue before an argument ensues.

Why would you pay when you do not need tp?
And how suitable as a babysitter is someone who evidently can not stay home alone.

sorry you said very early in the post that it’s confusing for your son