Friends who always bring their teenager

[Parentslife]

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

MNHQ have been approached about this anomaly and are investigating a fix I think though it sounds like it may be complicated... 🌹

Said with understanding and kindness... Teenagers are often awkward or quiet, sometimes sullen. She probably feels more awks than you do. Kids need to learn social skills and how to interact with adults and how can they if they're left out. In about 7 years your son will be the same. Your evening won't be the same as just with adult conversation but suck it up and be kind. She may pick up on your feelings which would make her feel horrid.

So friends roles are to be there for their friends kids to practise their social skills?

Ergh no. This is why we’ve got a growing generation of snowflakes who have never been told no, in case it upsets them.

Children don’t need to be a part of their parents every moment. Thats just ridiculous.

There are times when it’s perfectly acceptable to say ‘this is adult time’. It won’t stunt the precious teenager’s growth to know that their parents want time away from them and it’ll actually help their social development to know that their presence isn’t wanted in every situation.

We have friends who bring their 18 year old son. He monopolizes the conversation and has a huge ego.
His parents, who are lovely, dote on him.
Surely if he was that bloody fantastic he'd be out with friends!!!
Can't help you, OP. We don't say anything as we don't want to hurt their feelings.

I just would not be friends with someone with that attitude. Life is too short.

It's not perfect I agree but as adults I feel we are all there to shape youngsters with our interactions, brief or not brief. This is just my opinion. I fully understand that adults want just adult times too. It's a tricky situ :)

How are teenagers expected to become well socialised adults if not allowed to socialise well with adults?

I was trying to say similar but you're way more eloquent :)

The word "snowflake" immediately gives me the ick and is reserved for those who think it's their right to be fucking rude to everyone because "fReE sPeEcH". The fact that you have also used the term "precious teenager" tells me all I need to know.

@LadyGrinningSoul85 oh you again. @SwingTheMonkey does sound delightfully normal actually, and not raising an over entitled brat.

Start serving food that the teen does not like. Maybe she’s coming for the food.

I really don’t care what a stranger on MN thinks of me…

The same way everyone else became well socialised adults…

Without hanging around with their parents at their social occasions.

Exactly swing!

Have to agree with the use of snowflake, it’s always used by insecure, small minded people who cannot conceive experiences outside their own.

I wonder if mum and/or dad won't let her stay home alone. I had a friend like this, was insistent that her dd wouldn't be allowed to stay home alone until she was 18. She was a real helicopter and totally over protective. Dd moved out a few days before her 17th and lived with her aunt as she was so suffocated. Friend genuinely couldn't see what she had done wrong

Oh my… I feel so outed…

It’s not that she’s too cool to hang out with your son. She has nothing in common with a 7 year old and it would be very boring for them to be stuck in a room with each other for any length of time. I have a 14 year old and she would massively struggle with a 7 year old. We had a holiday recently with a few families with mixed ages of children. We found that the 8 year old girls were fine hanging out with the 10 year old girl. The 11 year old girl also hung out with them but often got frustrated with them or bored. The younger boys were all similar age and loved hanging out. But the main issues were the 13 & 14 year old girls and the 15 year old boy. They were kind of too old to hang out with the younger kids. 13&15 year old were siblings so often went to hang out on their room on their devices and ignored each other and the 14 year old girl was kind of stuck on her own. She sat with the adults for a while, although often with her earphone in. And then at a certain time of the evening we would tell her to head up to her room and chill out/go to sleep etc with her own device. She shared a room with her mother whilst her sibling shared with the 3 younger girls. We had to make clear the boundaries for the older ones though as to when adult time was happening and why.

It’s tricky but hosting the gathering is a way of you not needing a babysitter as you’ve said your son can often end up going to bed anyway. Have you tried meeting at their house and taking pyjamas for your son so he can fall asleep whilst their daughter is able to hang out on their own room? My daughter is 14 and wouldn’t be happy being left home alone if I was going out for the night. I generally have to ask for her to sleep at grandparents if I want to be child free for the evening. If she came she would likely sit with her earphones on her device but would possibly keep popping over now and again to the adults. She’s autistic though and doesn’t socialise outside of school. I’m not worried that she doesn’t have friends (some people on here expressed concern that the friends daughter has no friends to be out hanging with instead) as she has lots of friends at school and her various activities but struggles socially without structure. She often comes places with me. It’s totally fine.

Id say you can make the evenings work as long as the girl has plenty to keep herself occupied in a separate space - snacks, device etc. Even a blanket so she can relax a little and maybe have a snooze. It would need to be a conversation with the parents though so it’s not sprung on them. You never know, they might actually be thinking the same but have their own reasons for not leaving her home.

I can’t believe this attitude or many of the other similar comments! Just because they are 15 and a teenager does not mean they or their parents are happy for them to stay at home by themselves. Teenagers have an awful lot to contend with. This girl could be really struggling right now, with friends or school pressures or romantic relationships or she may have mental health issues or be depressed or she may be lonely. You don’t just drop your kid because they hit their teens and are technically old enough to be at home. It’s not remotely the same as bringing a MIL or sister like someone else said - I’m actually quite disgusted by this thread. I get really sick of people’s harsh attitudes to teenagers - they need to be both cared for and shown respect like any other human being. If the OP needs adult time then get a babysitter and go out so it’s clear to their visitors. Then if it’s not a good time to leave their daughter they can say so.

Do they want their parents hanging out with them and their friends? No

So I didn't want my kids hanging round with me and my friends (as a rule. There are times when the families did all get together)

@Lollingabout spending an evening with friends is not ignoring teenagers or not caring about their mental health. Or do you never go anywhere without your children?

I agree that you shouldn't drop teenagers, I'm happy to hang out with them and have their friends over if they want.
I like my teens.
That doesn't mean I think that they should attend adult only evenings.
If a teen is depressed to the level that they cannot be left alone I would hope that very close friends would be aware of this so that they could offer support.
It would suggest a serious mental health illness.

Had a thought, dont know if anyone else has mentioned this but how would it go down if you suggested that you pay her to babysit your son?

So you and her parents get to go out, she earns money, they know where she is, your son is cared for by someone he knows and she has a purpose for being there. She interacts with him then puts him to bed, then chills out until you get home.

Seems like the perfect solution to me.

So having the odd adult evening with your friends is somehow abandoning your teen and not caring about their mental health or allowing them to develop socially?! They have to be glued to mummy at all times despite being nearly 16?! Dear me heard it all now!