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Original poster

To want DSIL's cat locked in room away from DC

438 replies

onesleepyma · 03/12/2023 21:16

My DSIL has no kids but she does have a cat, who is her absolute world. Because the cat is a rescue he can't be locked in a room due to his previous trauma (I think?) so always needs to be roaming free in the house. The cat also, from the times I've visited, seems quite reluctant to be touched, can hiss if you come too near. Quite an unfriendly cat. Also a very fluffy cat.

For Xmas we are all going to my ILs house, me, my 2 DC, DH, DSIL and the cat. My kids are 11 months and 2.5. DC1 isn't always going to listen to instructions like "don't touch the cat" or "don't come near the cat" and DC2 is newly walking, leans on furniture when walking so there's a HIGH chance that one of the DCs will be hissed at or worse scratched by this cat. The only way to avoid it is to be 24/7 watching, not sit down for a minute for me and DH. DSIL says leaving him at home isnt an option because " the cat to her is what my DC are to me" (her words). locking him in a room, even for just xmas dinner so i can eat, is "cruel". The parents wont address it because DSIL is sad that shes single and this kitten is making her happy so they dont want to disturb that.

we are there for 2 full days, 3 nights. DH wont address it for similar reasons that PIL wont.

OP posts:
Loobeylooooo · 07/12/2023 20:51

I’m with you on this one. OP sounds like a barrel of laughs that has absolutely no idea about parenting. It’s a cat for gods sake not a tiger, scratches rarely become infected and if she keeps her children away from the poor cat there shouldn’t be a problem. Sounds like the OP wants to down a few bottles of Prosecco rather than be a present parent at Christmas and god help anyone who gets in her way. Give me the cat any day over her feral children that she won’t teach the word no to. God help them in the future. My sympathies go to the poor SIL who has to spend Christmas with her.

Catsmere · 07/12/2023 20:52

For the future - maybe get your own cat so your children learn how to handle one and be gentle with it. It's so good for kids to have a pet, teaches them empathy.

@allmyliesaretrue I wouldn't trust OP around cats. She's salivating at the thought of this poor cat being so afraid it runs away. She seems to have zero empathy herself, so her kids aren't likely to be learning any, either.

Catsmere · 07/12/2023 20:58

Flintwhistle · 07/12/2023 20:49

Would you honestly take a frightened and hostile cat to a family Christmas in someone else's house where there are very young children @Catsmere ?

Edited

Hell no, and I know that's what SIL was proposing, and I think it was a terrible idea. It's OP's general attitude to her SIL and cat(s) that I'm referring to, though. She's actively wishing harm upon it.

Flintwhistle · 07/12/2023 21:01

Fair enough, i didn't read it that way - just a flippant comment that I doubt she meant, due to frustration at the situation.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 07/12/2023 21:05

Agree with @catsmere. Even if you wouldn’t start here with the cat, you need to work with what you’ve got and that’s the SIL wanting to drag her cat round the country. Poor cat, but we all deal with our lot in life. Even our huge, actually really aggressive and nasty on occasions cat only ever managed to draw a tiny bit of blood from me. I have scars on my face from an accident with broken glass and thousands, literally thousands of self-harm scars. Never had an infection I didn’t want and managed to get some friends, a boyfriend and a job. Even toddlers can learn ”don’t poke that boy who doesn’t like you because he’ll poke back” - why aren’t we saying this about the cat?

milkywinterdisorder · 07/12/2023 21:07

Catsmere · 07/12/2023 20:58

Hell no, and I know that's what SIL was proposing, and I think it was a terrible idea. It's OP's general attitude to her SIL and cat(s) that I'm referring to, though. She's actively wishing harm upon it.

Show quote history

It’s very telling that OP could have read all these replies and realised she could use the argument with her PIL that the cat staying in its own home is actually what’s best for the cat - but instead she went straight for “it’s the cat or your grandkids”…

fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/12/2023 21:10

milkywinterdisorder · 07/12/2023 21:07

It’s very telling that OP could have read all these replies and realised she could use the argument with her PIL that the cat staying in its own home is actually what’s best for the cat - but instead she went straight for “it’s the cat or your grandkids”…

Edited
Show quote history

Just as the thread started to turn with people explaining why cats can be as important to childless people as kids to their parents. It wouldn’t do to return with something sensible when OP could come back boasting that her kids won the family popularity contest.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 07/12/2023 21:29

Well, the cat will probably be a lot happier. But if I was the SIL I know who I’d rather spend Christmas with.

Original poster
onesleepyma · 07/12/2023 21:32

Catsmere · 07/12/2023 20:47

You are the poster who mocked and derided her SIL for her childlessness and for loving her cat, aren't you, OP?

I wouldn't let you or your kids near me or my cat, or bother spending any time with you, in her position. "Hostile and nasty" is your reaction to a frightened, traumatised animal being defensive around people it doesn't know? Lovely.

The only other post I've made about SIL is related to bridesmaid dresses, not her cat. Tbh whether she has kids or not is her business and hers only, I don't particularly care either way. I do, however, care about her putting my kids in danger - that won't be allowed to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
onesleepyma · 07/12/2023 21:34

@milkywinterdisorder what's the point of entering into a discussion of where the cat will be happier? That's SIL's business and I don't want to interfere. She knows her cat best. My business is protecting my children

OP posts:
Meowandthen · 07/12/2023 21:37

onesleepyma · 07/12/2023 21:34

@milkywinterdisorder what's the point of entering into a discussion of where the cat will be happier? That's SIL's business and I don't want to interfere. She knows her cat best. My business is protecting my children

FFS. It’s a cat, a small animal, not a bloody tiger.

You are unreasonable here, especially for saying you wish the cat would go missing. I still think that’s nasty but do go ahead and complain about another post that points that out. It will still be true.

Original poster
onesleepyma · 07/12/2023 21:38

@fitzwilliamdarcy lol wouldn't object to grandparents preferring the car, just illustrates that people... don't prefer a cat to a child they're related to normally. The human race wouldn't survive if they did!

OP posts:
Catsmere · 07/12/2023 21:38

It was always going to be Parent > Childless with a hefty dose of disliking cats with this OP.

milkywinterdisorder · 07/12/2023 21:48

@onesleepyma Well, see, there are ways of going about things that lessen tension and resentment, and some would say that’s a good thing to try to do. Had you said to your PIL “surely the cat would be better off in its own home” rather than “let your daughter bring her cat and you won’t see mine”, that might have come across a bit less, you know, totally uncaring. You may have got your own way, but I think it’s a fair assumption that neither your PIL nor your SIL - nor, possibly, your DH - are delighted by you issuing ultimatums. It seems likely that doesn’t bother you though!

Catsmere · 07/12/2023 22:00

“Protecting your children” ffs it was about you not wanting to bother supervising them in someone else’s house and stopping them from pestering a frightened animal.

stepintochristmas1 · 07/12/2023 22:07

Y'know what you should do op get a gift for the children to give to the cat so they can learn to play with the cat (cousin) and maybe make friends with it .😸

Tourmalines · 07/12/2023 22:21

Well ,I’m glad you are not my sister-in-law or daughter-in-law .

Silvers11 · 07/12/2023 22:25

Well the kitten/Cat WILL be better off at home than at the PIL's home with lots of strangers in it ( and OP you did say it was a kitten at one point, not a full grown cat), but I agree with others. You could have handled this much better and sound very overbearing in your attitude. No need to go first for the jugular saying it's the cat or the children. You could have tried to be nice about it first.

I don't imagine your SIL likes you any more than you like her - but even although you have got your own way this time, I'll bet there's a lot of resentment floating around

Helena91 · 07/12/2023 23:22

onesleepyma · 07/12/2023 20:40

We have an update!
Thanks everyone for your help!

I thought about it some more and tbh politeness is irrelevant when it comes to the safety of my children. The cat is hostile and nasty, completely unpredictable in terms of when it might be unhappy that someone has dared to come within 2-3m of him. A cat scratch can easily become infected, and I wouldn't forgive myself if as a result of trying to keep family peace one of my babies got ill or had a scar from the cat's scratch. So I've said to my husband that he's free to go but if that cat is there, my children won't be, and I've contacted the PIL to say the same - they're either getting to see their grandkids or the cat. A day later it's all sorted and the cat is staying in its home (SIL's house), presumably a friend or a cat sitter will visit.

For those who say cats and children are the same - funny how grandparents usually prefer their human grandchildren over a cat isn't it!

Doubt this actually happened. Can't imagine a daughter in law stomping her feet to get her own way would trump what their own child wanted. Certainly wouldn't in my family I am relieved to say!
That part about "I couldn't live with myself if my child got a cat scratch! :'(" did make me chuckle though :P

Delphinium20 · 08/12/2023 01:21

OP, ignore the weird cat people who don't understand that kids trump animals (and I love cats, fwiw). Good mothers set boundaries to protect their children.

milkywinterdisorder · 08/12/2023 03:14

@Delphinium20 No individual has to “trump” any other one here: good mothers teach their children how to behave in order to avoid being harmed, rather than insist on everyone else removing every possible source of the slightest imaginable harm. There’s a lot of talk on Mumsnet about teaching kids resilience - I’m not sure that ensuring your child never encounters a grumpy cat is particularly conducive to that.

OP could “set boundaries to protect her children” by just watching her kids closely, but she doesn’t want to do that, so she’s denied her PIL access to their grandchildren unless she gets her own way.

YeahIsaidit · 08/12/2023 07:17

OP also denied Sil the opportunity to spend Christmas the way she wanted to by going down the kids or cat route as well as putting DH in an awkward position. This whole thread is insane

Mirabai · 08/12/2023 08:30

YeahIsaidit · 08/12/2023 07:17

OP also denied Sil the opportunity to spend Christmas the way she wanted to by going down the kids or cat route as well as putting DH in an awkward position. This whole thread is insane

The cat’s got a major reprieve though. Very stupid idea to take a traumatised rescue into a strange house full of people.

Mermaidinmymind · 08/12/2023 08:48

That's the best decision for the cat but if I were the SIL I would spend my Christmas Day with the one thing that matters to me rather than the OP and her family. The OP is a nasty piece of work.

Grumpusaurus · 08/12/2023 08:53

It is not your home, nor your say.