To want DSIL's cat locked in room away from DC

[onesleepyma]

My DSIL has no kids but she does have a cat, who is her absolute world. Because the cat is a rescue he can't be locked in a room due to his previous trauma (I think?) so always needs to be roaming free in the house. The cat also, from the times I've visited, seems quite reluctant to be touched, can hiss if you come too near. Quite an unfriendly cat. Also a very fluffy cat.

For Xmas we are all going to my ILs house, me, my 2 DC, DH, DSIL and the cat. My kids are 11 months and 2.5. DC1 isn't always going to listen to instructions like "don't touch the cat" or "don't come near the cat" and DC2 is newly walking, leans on furniture when walking so there's a HIGH chance that one of the DCs will be hissed at or worse scratched by this cat. The only way to avoid it is to be 24/7 watching, not sit down for a minute for me and DH. DSIL says leaving him at home isnt an option because " the cat to her is what my DC are to me" (her words). locking him in a room, even for just xmas dinner so i can eat, is "cruel". The parents wont address it because DSIL is sad that shes single and this kitten is making her happy so they dont want to disturb that.

we are there for 2 full days, 3 nights. DH wont address it for similar reasons that PIL wont.

Ah I see I’m not the only one that picked up on that. The writing is very similar, very cruel. Op was salivating at the prospect of rubbing it in her sil’s face that op has human children while her childless sil only had a cat!

The cat will likely hide away and honestly it's a good teaching moment on how to behave around animals I've always had pets and my DC learn very early on how to interact with the pets appropriately and I'd assume at the ages they are you will be watching the kids 24/7 anyway , unless you're one of those nightmare parents that let the kids run wild and assume everyone else will chase after them

I haven't read the whole thread but read op's updates.
there's a risk that a window or door will be opened and the cat will run away and get lost. So I'd suggest that she needs to try and keep it in her room for it's own safety in case it tries to run away from your children and winds up outside in an unfamiliar area.

Absolutely hilarious 😂

There are not many cats that will happily be in a room with toddlers. If the cat is having free range of the house it will take itself off somewhere quiet. If it's not in its own house I'd be more concerned about what your SIL is planning to do about toileting it on the day. Is she parking a litter tray in the kitchen?

Would your 2.5 year old not be able to follow instructions of not to go near the cat because it might scratch/bite you. I have a 2.5 yo and I know they would understand this. The 11 month old you will just have to watch and turn them away if she heads towards him, but surely you should be watching 24/7 anyway to make sure doesn’t put things in mouth/ fall etc.

Cat bites and scratches are quite likely to become infected, they carry a lot of bacteria and it can be nasty. With an 11 month old I wouldn't be blase about it.

However cat is most likely to cower upstairs shitting on your beds to express it's distress while you have a massive argument downstairs once you're two drinks in.

OP's relationship with SIL sounds like a Christmas blow up waiting to happen.

I have both cats and a child and I think you should respect that this is your SILs family in the way she has chosen to define it. It may not be your idea of family but it is hers and her feelings are just as strong. Plenty of people find children difficult and would rather their parents left them at home but how would you feel if your family told you that you had to leave your children with a babysitter over Christmas?

Forget that this is a cat. What if it were another child that was liable to outbursts and might scratch or bite your children? You couldn’t lock a child in a room so how would you respond then? Perhaps you’d rather not go, or you’d expect the parent to control them or you’d put measures in place. Whatever that answer is, it should be the same here.

This!

One scratch from the cat and your kids will learn to stay away.

My dogs stay as far away from my cats as possible! They learnt the hard way!

Sorry my opinion has changed! It's not your SIL's house? She's batshit crazy and needs to leave her cat at home.

"her feelings are just as strong"

I disagree, I dont think someone can have the same level of feeling for their pet cat as parents do for their child/ren. I also don't think it's necessary to try and force a comparison, a cat is a cat and a child is a child and we should honour each and the relationships with each as incomparable things.

I feel sorry for the cat tbh. They don't like to be taken away from their familiar environment. SIL is unreasonable for doing that to the cat. I took my kitties many years ago to vist 'granny and grandad' once and it did not go well!!!! No kids involved.

My cats weren't used to young children then either but when my cousin's DH approached one of them, and she wasn't happy, she smacked but retracted her claws.

You're just going to have to manage the interaction to avoid arguments. There's two of you, two PILs and two children - should be manageable. I think though the cat will avoid you all. Hissing at your kids won't do them any harm, and even a scratch doesn't tend to be life-threatening. I'd be inclined to contain your children in a high chair and in a playpen over dinner so that everyone gets to eat in peace.

For the future - maybe get your own cat so your children learn how to handle one and be gentle with it. It's so good for kids to have a pet, teaches them empathy.

SIL has herself said she considers her feelings equivalent. We idealise our relationship with children but there is no reason why a person can’t have that level of attachment to an animal and I know many people who experience this. OP is not obliged to spend their Christmas in an environment they feel uncomfortable in, and they should absolutely do what feels best for them, but creating a hierarchy between their feelings and that of the SIL disrespects the family she has created with her cat.

For the future - maybe get your own cat so your children learn how to handle one and be gentle with it. It's so good for kids to have a pet, teaches them empathy.
The OP appears not to like cats and clearly doesn't have much empathy herself so I wouldn't recommend that.

Ask your SIL to closely watch the cat then, to make sure it doesn’t hiss/scratch. As in, if the car is on the sofa and would hiss at a child coming to sit there then she needs to be sat there herself. If the cat is on a piece of furniture and would scratch someone putting their hand on the furniture, she needs to stand next to it, etc.
Basically spell out that if she wants to bring an animal that can attack children she needs to make sure it doesn’t happen, the same way you will make sure your DC don’t touch / sit on / chase / etc the cat.

As PP have said, the cat is probably more scared of the toddler than they are of it, and most aggression in animals that aren’t big, aggressive predators comes from fear, it’s reactive. The cat will probably be hiding anyway (ours is super friendly and likes to stick her face into any new object, but will still hide and get quiet with new people). But it can probably be solved with a “Cat isn’t feeling friendly right now, he’s going to get cross if you try to make friends with him, let’s do (insert activity) instead”.

The cat won’t hang around in a room with toddlers, and if he does the kids will soon learn not to touch it. Not a major issue tbh I wouldn’t be constantly telling them not to touch if they do they won’t do it again if it bites

This could still be a good learning experience for your kids. Just because they want to pet the cat, doesn't mean they get to. Same when out and about, they can't just run up to any dog or cat and pet them without the owners permission. The animal of course also has a say on who touches them.

The cat is the sister in laws baby. You say you can't compare cats to kids, but to your SIL, her cat is more important than your kids. Your kids are only special to you and the father. Her cat is special to her.

It's not your house. It's their house.
The cat has hissed, but that's fine if it hisses. If anything that's really good because that noise should put off your kids going near it.
It sounds fine. It's not one of those fake friendly biter cats.
It sounds like it doesn't like people being near it. So it will give off warning noises and probably remove itself from a situation if those aren't listened to.
You know if you hear a hissing you can go check what's going on and if necc intervene.

We used to have cats.
When people brought dogs or small kids over they cats just disappeared. Tbh it actually really sucked because one of my cats would go missing for days if they got too stressed by dogs being around. I remember being so worried she was gone for 3 days.

You're being selfish. It's not your home. The cat hasn't attacked anyone before?
You can manage where your kids are? Or stay somewhere else.
I think the cat will just stay well away they like to sleep most of the day and be active at night because that's when their vision is best. It'll probably make itself very scarce, I imagine even hide from humans or even run away from home.

I think you need to consider the flip side is the cat may actually go missing and what negative effect that will have on your family.

"creating a hierarchy between their feelings and that of the SIL disrespects the family she has created with her cat."

there is no need for a hierarchy, it's just not the same. it's totally different and can be celebrated individually rather than made into a hierarchy. people's relationships with their pets are very special, and parents relationships with their children are too, but in different ways.

If your kid won't listen to you when you say "don't touch the cat" the first time, they certainly will the second time 😂

It's just a cat scratch. Not a big deal.

Put your DH in charge of being arms length at all times, if he's not willing to try to sort it with his family

Yeh you're a horrible person. Hopefully no one leaves a door or window open for your kids. I hate people who don't understand that pets can be as important to their parent as your child is to you, it shows a lack of emotional intelligence. I am so glad my family accepts all of my little ones, feline or human! And remember, the SIL is the PIL's child, as important to them as yours are to you. So watch your behaviour or you might find yourself excluded from the family. Hopefully your kids don't end up like you.

Oh people DEFINITELY create a hierarchy! Sad, entitled people who hate to think that humans aren't at the top of everything.

Any cat will tell you they create the hierarchy and they’re at they top.