Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to keep our dog away from us on Christmas Day?

643 replies

Buddytheboxer · 03/12/2023 18:28

We have a 4 year old Boxer dog who is very much part of our family. We don’t have children yet and both WFH so he is with us all the time. He’s lovely and absolutely no bother, everyone loves him.

We are hosting Christmas Day this year, both sets of parents, my sister and her partner and DH’s brother and his girlfriend.

DH’s brother and gf recently moved back to the UK after living in Australia for the last 10 years so we haven’t seen them in person for a long time, but have FaceTimed and WhatsApped regularly. Earlier today he messaged me (not sure why me and not DH or both of us) and asked if our dog could stay with friends over Christmas, or if we could book him in at a kennels, as his gf is wary of dogs. They are supposed to be staying with us for 3 nights. They have seen our dog loads of times via FaceTime, they address Christmas cards to us and the dog etc and have never mentioned this wariness.

I’m swinging between feeling a bit miffed at the request but also not wanting her to feel nervous or uncomfortable, I like her and was looking forward to seeing them after so long. However there is no way I could send our dog away at Christmas. He’s not ‘just a dog’ we adore him and he is our family.

I haven’t had chance to speak to DH yet as he’s travelling home from a work trip and won’t be home until late. I haven’t replied to the message yet as I really don’t know what to say, it’s a bit of a lose lose situation:

a) If we don’t send our dog away BIL and gf might decide not to come which would be a shame, especially for DH and his parents. It would seem that we are putting our dog before BIL and gf which I guess we would be, but as I said he is our family.

b) If we do find somewhere for him to go (unlikely, as everyone who would normally dog sit on the rare occasions we’ve needed it will be at ours, and he’s never been in kennels so I definitely wouldn’t do that) it doesn’t feel right for him not to be with us over Christmas, it’s unfair on him and us, and a very big ask for anyone to look after a dog over Christmas.

c) If they accept we can’t send him away and still come, I’ll be on tenterhooks the whole time worrying that she is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make sure he stays out of her way (he is not a nuisance dog, he loves a fuss but isn’t ‘in your face’) it won’t be a relaxing time.

I feel like this request has really put a downer on things. AIBU to not want our dog to be sent away to accommodate BIL’s gf’s ‘wariness’?

OP posts:
echt · 04/12/2023 19:46

Lorijune · 04/12/2023 19:43

I daren’t read the responses but want to give my experience of something similar. We went to my MIL for Xmas dinner a few year’s ago when our little girl was 9 months old. My husband and I spoke in advance about the two dogs there who would be in our little girl’s face as she crawled around the floor. Neither of us felt comfortable taking the risk of her upsetting the dogs and being bitten and tbh her getting licked didn’t appeal to us either. We were happy to hold her but at that age most wee ones want some floor time. My husband asked if dogs could be in the other room while she was on the floor. His mother decided to use kennels (which seemed extreme as we weren’t staying the night.) Anyway on Xmas day his mum had an outburst just as dinner was served (I’m guessing she was stressed) saying ‘enjoy your meal as this will never happen again.’ We were both pretty upset and felt massively frustrated that this situation even occurred. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to expect our new baby to be safe and hygienic, but equally dogs are her life. Now our wee one is older the dog issue has passed somewhat. It’s tricky though. I understand that some people love their dogs as family. I don’t think dog lovers always get that not everyone wants to be licked, pawed, jumped on or humped by their pet (in the park or whatever.) It is your house though and the dog’s home. Whatever you do/say will stay with family members though so while you are not being unreasonable to stand your ground you may find it makes sense to value your human family over your animal family as they have longer memories!

The OP's situation is nothing like this.

Abracadabra12345 · 04/12/2023 19:47

MRSsqueak · 04/12/2023 19:44

i have only had my dog 3 months and deffinatly would not send her away for christmas. i wouldnt even put her in another room. YANBU

Even when people are eating and one person is nervous of dogs?

Anyway OP has resolved the issue with great wisdom and tact

tachetastic · 04/12/2023 19:48

Lorijune · 04/12/2023 19:43

I daren’t read the responses but want to give my experience of something similar. We went to my MIL for Xmas dinner a few year’s ago when our little girl was 9 months old. My husband and I spoke in advance about the two dogs there who would be in our little girl’s face as she crawled around the floor. Neither of us felt comfortable taking the risk of her upsetting the dogs and being bitten and tbh her getting licked didn’t appeal to us either. We were happy to hold her but at that age most wee ones want some floor time. My husband asked if dogs could be in the other room while she was on the floor. His mother decided to use kennels (which seemed extreme as we weren’t staying the night.) Anyway on Xmas day his mum had an outburst just as dinner was served (I’m guessing she was stressed) saying ‘enjoy your meal as this will never happen again.’ We were both pretty upset and felt massively frustrated that this situation even occurred. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to expect our new baby to be safe and hygienic, but equally dogs are her life. Now our wee one is older the dog issue has passed somewhat. It’s tricky though. I understand that some people love their dogs as family. I don’t think dog lovers always get that not everyone wants to be licked, pawed, jumped on or humped by their pet (in the park or whatever.) It is your house though and the dog’s home. Whatever you do/say will stay with family members though so while you are not being unreasonable to stand your ground you may find it makes sense to value your human family over your animal family as they have longer memories!

But surely while the human family have longer memories, they will also understand why this is important to the OP?

The only time we were ever faced with this, I spent the entire time in the kitchen with the dogs. That was fine for an a day but I wouldn't have been up for that for three days.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 04/12/2023 19:49

If people were coming to my home for Christmas and didn't like my dogs, they would need to find alternate accommodation.
The dogs wouldn't be at the Christmas Dinner with us, but I wouldnt entertain finding somewhere else for my dogs to be over Christmas. In saying that everyone who knows me knows I have dogs so if they didn't like them they would know not to stay.

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 19:50

WhatGoesUpMustComeDown · 04/12/2023 17:59

There's nothing more infuriating than people declaring 'dogs don't trump people' - yeh, that's fine, in YOUR world they don't. But, luckily nobody made you Queen or King of society, so that's actually just YOUR personal preference, and many people live by totally different rules. Deal with it.

In my world, some dogs do trump some people. And personally I think humans are far too arrogant and don't give enough respect to other sentient beings with thoughts and feelings - and it's usually because they don't understand enough about animal intelligence and the similarities in our brains and emotion centres.

Live and let live. You don't like dogs, fine. But there's no 'should' about the way others might interact with them.

Well said!

These "dogs/cats don't trump people" types sound one step away from Descartes with his "animals are machines that don't feel anything, including pain" attitude.

The idea of shoving an animal into kennels, not even for a family member but for someone's girlfriend/boyfriend (how long has she even been on the scene?) says a lot about those pushing it.

Very glad OP and her family have worked out a good solution.

Oriunda · 04/12/2023 19:50

Dillydelly · 04/12/2023 18:21

I couldn't imagine putting an animal before family tbh. As much as I like dogs, I don't like them in the house.

You really don’t like dogs, then!

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 04/12/2023 19:50

Great update OP and what a handsome boy Buddy is!
I also think it's lovely that your parents on both sides get along so well and that your own parents are so kind to make those arrangements to suit everyone ❤️
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas together 🎄

theleafandnotthetree · 04/12/2023 19:52

Oldtigernidster · 04/12/2023 19:46

Your dog is part of the family. It would traumatise him to send him away and to be honest it’s unthinkable. Please don’t feel bullied into doing it. Their choice if they don’t come.

Traumatised? Unthinkable to go to kennels? Jesus, the way some people here go on, you'd you'd think the dog was going to be chained to a tree and flogged. It's a kennels, not the canine Gulag.

daliesque · 04/12/2023 19:53

My dog has her own personality, experiences, likes/dislikes, memories, quirks etc. To think when she is gone, I can just "replace" her, is offensive and hurtful.
She is my family, and you do not have the right to say otherwise, because you are not me or my dog

I have actually had several dogs in my lifetime and I guess you could say I've replaced them when they've left me. However it isn't replacing. No other dog can replace the one whose just died because every dog is unique with their own personality and quirks. My current dog is the toughest, most stubborn creature I've ever met and that is what is keeping him alive - that and two devoted owners. He is a definite one off. Clever, annoying and utterly loveable.

When he does eventually go, I will never forget him or get over him leaving me. He will leave a massive paw print on my heart that will never be erased.

However, I will get another dog because the thing that can heal the pain a little bit for me, is to do that and that little pup will also be a unique soul who will steal my heart in another way with his or her little quirks and personality...and I will give that dog a good and loving home, total,devotion and lots of fun. What they will give me is beyond priceless. I truely believe that I am meant to have dogs in my life, just that really.

JaneFarrier · 04/12/2023 19:55

@Ilovelifeverymuch I was so glad to see what they came up with too. I think OP has been beautifully reasonable and I hope they all have a lovely Christmas.

I've been so torn reading this. My eldest kid was severely dog-phobic - beyond the age at which most kids who don't know dogs well might be nervous - and despite everything we tried (and we tried a lot of things) he couldn't have sat in a room with one. We were lucky that none of our relatives got a pandemic pup...

Would we expect dog-owning friends to oust the dog? No, but I think we'd just have to stay (and meet) somewhere else. He's now much calmer about dogs, though, thankfully.

Oldtigernidster · 04/12/2023 19:55

theleafandnotthetree · 04/12/2023 19:52

Traumatised? Unthinkable to go to kennels? Jesus, the way some people here go on, you'd you'd think the dog was going to be chained to a tree and flogged. It's a kennels, not the canine Gulag.

Show quote history

Actually it would be exactly that for him if he’s never been away from them before.

HayleyDD73 · 04/12/2023 19:55

Mine, too.

It's interesting that nothing has been said by them before? Why not?

Just tell them that all kennels are full up, some of the doggy-friendly neighbours and friends are away, and the dog has nowhere else to go. Your dog is your family: the BIL and gf have only just applied to move back to the UK from Oz - you owe them no reason, really.

tachetastic · 04/12/2023 19:58

Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 18:03

Ok here’s the update - DH spoke to his brother and told him we can’t relocate Buddy for 3 nights. He reassured him that we would be very mindful of his gfs wariness and that Buds doesn’t jump up and is a chilled dog, and we can pop him in another room periodically and out for walks. He offered the suggestion put forward by my mum, or that we can help find an available Airbnb if they really don’t feel comfortable staying. BIL said they really do want to come so he’ll chat with gf about what she feels most comfortable with. Hopefully it’ll work out 🤞

Regarding the timing of this request, Christmas at ours has been arranged since last Christmas. We usually host both our families, and it was last Christmas Day that BIL told us all that they were moving back from Australia and couldn’t wait to be with us all this year. The ‘sleeping arrangements’ were confirmed in August (PIL usually stay at ours, and my parents offered them their spare room so BIL and gf could stay with us). No mention has ever been made that his gf is wary of dogs so it really is last minute!

Thanks again for all your comments, I’ll ignore the one from the person who said that the way I talk about my dog is ‘strange’!

Here is a pic of my boy for those who have asked 🐶❤️

What a handsome boy. Glad you found a compromise that seems to work for everyone!.🐶

Paddleboarder · 04/12/2023 19:59

You're hosting, it's your dog and your home. Don't send him away. She has to learn to cope with her fear or not visit. It's a chance for her to see that it's not as bad as she thinks.

HayleyDD73 · 04/12/2023 20:00

Some kennels are not as great as they allege to be, nor do they uphold their promises with what is on offer for the dogs.

Schleep · 04/12/2023 20:02

Absolutely not, and I'd be judging her (and brother) for thinking it was a reasonable request.
Even looking past the fact that its your dogs home, if SIL doesn't like dogs - she needs to foot the expense of working around that, not you! So she needs to book herself accommodation.

Anyone who is frightened of dogs needs to be working hard to get over that - they're everywhere.

pollymere · 04/12/2023 20:05

This sounds like a candidate for a new Travelodge ad... They knew you had a dog and it's only just coming up now?

Maybe they should just come for a couple of hours on one of the days. No way should you make your dog's life miserable like that. The GF hasn't even MET the dog yet.

deets · 04/12/2023 20:09

your dog your house. If they aren't happy about it then let them stay near by

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 20:11

Read the full thread, people! It's been sorted!

GreenFrostedPlant · 04/12/2023 20:13

@Buddytheboxer I’ve never had a dog, don’t really get the whole “my dog is like a child.” It’s just an animal. However, just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it.

I wouldn’t dream of ever asking anyone to do this. I think it’s absolutely unreasonable to ask you. I hope you’re okay, what an awful situation to put you in.

Pres11 · 04/12/2023 20:15

That’s a hugely unreasonable request!! And I would say an outright no if somebody asked me to do this with my dog.

AelinGalathynius · 04/12/2023 20:15

I wouldn’t dream of asking someone to send their dog away because of me. Glad you found a solution OP!

Swimaway9 · 04/12/2023 20:18

Schleep · 04/12/2023 20:02

Absolutely not, and I'd be judging her (and brother) for thinking it was a reasonable request.
Even looking past the fact that its your dogs home, if SIL doesn't like dogs - she needs to foot the expense of working around that, not you! So she needs to book herself accommodation.

Anyone who is frightened of dogs needs to be working hard to get over that - they're everywhere.

I definitely understand dog owners feeling they are part of the family & yes they are everywhere. I don't think its an insult to dog owners for a guest to admit they are not keen to be around them especially if they have a not uncommon allergy. If I had a dog I'd do my best to ensure the allergic guest was catered for & I'd make sure the dog was out of the house for a few hours. I congratulate OP for her consideration.

Allyliz · 04/12/2023 20:20

Hell no....the dog is family and lives at your house....she'll either have to man up or stay in a travelodge...some people have such a cheek

tachetastic · 04/12/2023 20:22

HayleyDD73 · 04/12/2023 20:00

Some kennels are not as great as they allege to be, nor do they uphold their promises with what is on offer for the dogs.

The first time we put our eldest dog in kennels she ended up spending the entire time sleeping on the owner's daughter's bed! When we arrived she was sitting by them outside their house and did such a double take when she saw us get out of the car it was so joyful. The reunion scene was only spolit by creepy way the owner of the kennels said something along the lines of "Beautiful dog she is and great with the kids. Might get one or two of those for breeding. Right little money makers."

We never went back. 😬