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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to keep our dog away from us on Christmas Day?

643 replies

Buddytheboxer · 03/12/2023 18:28

We have a 4 year old Boxer dog who is very much part of our family. We don’t have children yet and both WFH so he is with us all the time. He’s lovely and absolutely no bother, everyone loves him.

We are hosting Christmas Day this year, both sets of parents, my sister and her partner and DH’s brother and his girlfriend.

DH’s brother and gf recently moved back to the UK after living in Australia for the last 10 years so we haven’t seen them in person for a long time, but have FaceTimed and WhatsApped regularly. Earlier today he messaged me (not sure why me and not DH or both of us) and asked if our dog could stay with friends over Christmas, or if we could book him in at a kennels, as his gf is wary of dogs. They are supposed to be staying with us for 3 nights. They have seen our dog loads of times via FaceTime, they address Christmas cards to us and the dog etc and have never mentioned this wariness.

I’m swinging between feeling a bit miffed at the request but also not wanting her to feel nervous or uncomfortable, I like her and was looking forward to seeing them after so long. However there is no way I could send our dog away at Christmas. He’s not ‘just a dog’ we adore him and he is our family.

I haven’t had chance to speak to DH yet as he’s travelling home from a work trip and won’t be home until late. I haven’t replied to the message yet as I really don’t know what to say, it’s a bit of a lose lose situation:

a) If we don’t send our dog away BIL and gf might decide not to come which would be a shame, especially for DH and his parents. It would seem that we are putting our dog before BIL and gf which I guess we would be, but as I said he is our family.

b) If we do find somewhere for him to go (unlikely, as everyone who would normally dog sit on the rare occasions we’ve needed it will be at ours, and he’s never been in kennels so I definitely wouldn’t do that) it doesn’t feel right for him not to be with us over Christmas, it’s unfair on him and us, and a very big ask for anyone to look after a dog over Christmas.

c) If they accept we can’t send him away and still come, I’ll be on tenterhooks the whole time worrying that she is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make sure he stays out of her way (he is not a nuisance dog, he loves a fuss but isn’t ‘in your face’) it won’t be a relaxing time.

I feel like this request has really put a downer on things. AIBU to not want our dog to be sent away to accommodate BIL’s gf’s ‘wariness’?

OP posts:
Ohhoho · 04/12/2023 19:12

No way. Your dog is family. He sounds great. I don’t think people would ask cat owners to do this. It is not reasonable hope it all turns out ok

YoBeaches · 04/12/2023 19:14

Do they live far away OP could they not come and meet the dog first? I mean being wary of a dog is one thing but disrupting everybody seems like a much deeper fear.

I see you have a plan but it's a bit silly for them to have accepted knowing this and waiting till now to mention it.

jingleandslay · 04/12/2023 19:22

What a beautiful dog ❤️

JaneAustensHeroine · 04/12/2023 19:24

There is no way I would put my dog in kennels over Christmas. They are your family and they stay with you.

Jillybloop393 · 04/12/2023 19:24

They knew you'd got a dog, and yet have left it incredibly late to ask you to put him in kennels - which you don't want to do, even if you could! I wouldn't send mine away at Christmas (or any other time!), to accommodate a guest. As others have suggested, let the guests stay elsewhere, and when they visit, try to keep doggo in a separate room. Who knows, she might even like him?!

waytooearlyforthis · 04/12/2023 19:28

WhatGoesUpMustComeDown · 04/12/2023 17:59

There's nothing more infuriating than people declaring 'dogs don't trump people' - yeh, that's fine, in YOUR world they don't. But, luckily nobody made you Queen or King of society, so that's actually just YOUR personal preference, and many people live by totally different rules. Deal with it.

In my world, some dogs do trump some people. And personally I think humans are far too arrogant and don't give enough respect to other sentient beings with thoughts and feelings - and it's usually because they don't understand enough about animal intelligence and the similarities in our brains and emotion centres.

Live and let live. You don't like dogs, fine. But there's no 'should' about the way others might interact with them.

Agreed

lovescats3 · 04/12/2023 19:29

Don't send your dog away

nopeasplease · 04/12/2023 19:31

Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 18:03

Ok here’s the update - DH spoke to his brother and told him we can’t relocate Buddy for 3 nights. He reassured him that we would be very mindful of his gfs wariness and that Buds doesn’t jump up and is a chilled dog, and we can pop him in another room periodically and out for walks. He offered the suggestion put forward by my mum, or that we can help find an available Airbnb if they really don’t feel comfortable staying. BIL said they really do want to come so he’ll chat with gf about what she feels most comfortable with. Hopefully it’ll work out 🤞

Regarding the timing of this request, Christmas at ours has been arranged since last Christmas. We usually host both our families, and it was last Christmas Day that BIL told us all that they were moving back from Australia and couldn’t wait to be with us all this year. The ‘sleeping arrangements’ were confirmed in August (PIL usually stay at ours, and my parents offered them their spare room so BIL and gf could stay with us). No mention has ever been made that his gf is wary of dogs so it really is last minute!

Thanks again for all your comments, I’ll ignore the one from the person who said that the way I talk about my dog is ‘strange’!

Here is a pic of my boy for those who have asked 🐶❤️

So gorgeous!! What a handsome boy ❤️❤️

Swimaway9 · 04/12/2023 19:31

If its only a case of feeling nervous around dogs then of course YANBU to refuse to accommodate this request. If it was a family member with a severe allergy then imo it would be reasonable to try and find another dog owner to look after the dog for a few hours. Most dog lovers would be only too pleased to help. I would ask if it's an allergy and if not I'd persuade the guests to come along and see how they feel.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 04/12/2023 19:31

Gensola · 03/12/2023 18:33

I can’t imagine putting a dog over family 😨

I don't see it as putting a dog over family. I would not tolerate e.g. OP coming to my house and insisting she has to bring her dog, same way it's not my place to go to her house and ask her to take her dog away for me.

If I'm not comfortable with the dog I will either not go or find somewhere else nearby to stay or ride with everyone to find someone else to host. I can't insist OP has to take her dog away from her own house for me.

Talkinrubbishagain · 04/12/2023 19:33

Just keep him separate when you eat and keep him attached to you on a lead when relaxing in the same room. Boxers do dribble so make sure you have a cloth to wipe it away. The fewer problems she can perceive should help her relax.

Twilight7777 · 04/12/2023 19:33

Batshit! Also If they had asked like at the beginning of November I might have considered it had I been the OP but it’s surely too late to get someone now? Difference between going to someone’s house and taking a dog, and expecting someone’s dog not to be in their own home!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 04/12/2023 19:33

Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 18:36

Further update: they have opted to go for my mum’s offer that they stay at my parents house, along with my PILs, and my parents will stay at ours. So we just need to be mindful while they are at ours and they can sit out the walks or we can have a bit of a rota. I’ll see if I can borrow a baby gate just in case as well.

Buddy may just win her over and help her wariness, you never know!

Glad you were able to reach an compromise without burning the family to the ground like some people would do. Have a Merry Christmas.

Abracadabra12345 · 04/12/2023 19:34

@Ilovelifeverymuch
Glad you were able to reach an compromise without burning the family to the ground like some people would do. Have a Merry Christmas.

Abracadabra12345 · 04/12/2023 19:35

Ooops posted too soon. I so agree with this @Ilovelifeverymuch (and love your username!)

McYummy · 04/12/2023 19:37

Totally unreasonable request to send Buddy away over Christmas but it sounds like you may have a solution where the wary GF stays elsewhere for the majority of the time. Now you know the GF isn't comfortable though, maybe you could arrange for someone to take Buddy for a walk for a few hours when they are at your house (so that Buddy isn't locked up behind a gate somewhere missing out on all the people fun). I've used Rover.com loads of times in lots of different places in the UK and the US and there are usually willing dog-walkers locally who are happy to make a few quid and the dog gets a new friend at the same time :-)

tachetastic · 04/12/2023 19:39

Flickersy · 03/12/2023 18:31

They stay in a nearby air BnB or hotel, come to you during the day, during which you can keep the dog to certain rooms.

It's daft to accept an invitation to stay at a house which has dogs if you're scared of dogs.

I would say they stay at a nearby air BnB or hotel, come to you during the day, and it's the girlfriend that is kept in certain rooms. Let her sit in the garden or the spare bedroom.

I would step in if the dog was jumping up at people and they didn't like it, but otherwise you are dog owners. You own a dog. Ergo, there will be a dog in the house when they visit. I know people that I would like to get rid of their kids when I visit but I don't ask them to. Then again............

And he probably emailed you because he knew his brother has too much sense to agree.

1836laura · 04/12/2023 19:39

We have 2 large breed dogs. There’s no way I’d send my dogs away if someone came to our house who didn’t like dogs, and I’d think it very unreasonable for someone to ask or expect that. If people who don’t like dogs come over (which they often do - adults and children), I do try to be accommodating of their preferences by keeping the dogs away from them. It’s difficult because we have a very open plan downstairs but we make it work. Usually we’ll put the dogs in the garden when our guest arrives, and we’ll later bring the dogs inside and put them in the entrance hall. The entrance hall isn’t massive but we have a big dog bed in there next to the radiator, dog toys, water bowls, etc. The doorway to the entrance hall has a baby gate across it to stop the dogs getting out - this setup also stops our toddler bothering the dogs :-) We also have a baby gate at the bottom of our stairs to stop the dogs going up there. I appreciate it’s trickier if she’s staying for 3 days but she’s a grown up so should be able to navigate it, especially if you put these sort of things in place to reassure her. If it’s still an issue for her I’d suggest they stay elsewhere.

Barney60 · 04/12/2023 19:41

Nope from me, your dog is part of your family, she knew this, if shes not happy her choice to not attend.

Lorijune · 04/12/2023 19:43

I daren’t read the responses but want to give my experience of something similar. We went to my MIL for Xmas dinner a few year’s ago when our little girl was 9 months old. My husband and I spoke in advance about the two dogs there who would be in our little girl’s face as she crawled around the floor. Neither of us felt comfortable taking the risk of her upsetting the dogs and being bitten and tbh her getting licked didn’t appeal to us either. We were happy to hold her but at that age most wee ones want some floor time. My husband asked if dogs could be in the other room while she was on the floor. His mother decided to use kennels (which seemed extreme as we weren’t staying the night.) Anyway on Xmas day his mum had an outburst just as dinner was served (I’m guessing she was stressed) saying ‘enjoy your meal as this will never happen again.’ We were both pretty upset and felt massively frustrated that this situation even occurred. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to expect our new baby to be safe and hygienic, but equally dogs are her life. Now our wee one is older the dog issue has passed somewhat. It’s tricky though. I understand that some people love their dogs as family. I don’t think dog lovers always get that not everyone wants to be licked, pawed, jumped on or humped by their pet (in the park or whatever.) It is your house though and the dog’s home. Whatever you do/say will stay with family members though so while you are not being unreasonable to stand your ground you may find it makes sense to value your human family over your animal family as they have longer memories!

MRSsqueak · 04/12/2023 19:44

i have only had my dog 3 months and deffinatly would not send her away for christmas. i wouldnt even put her in another room. YANBU

republicofjam · 04/12/2023 19:44

What a magnificent looking chap ❤️

Catsandallthingscrazy · 04/12/2023 19:45

I'd message them back saying you've tried various boarding kennels and due to late notice they are all now full. Its only w hite lie as quite honestly if you were to venture down this route I strongly suspect that's exactly what you would be told anyway ! It's3 weeks to Christ,as for god sake . What do they expect !!! I'd suggest a AirBnB and come to yours for the day. Is the dog crate trained to be sent " to bed" if he gets a bit much ? If he were mine there is NO way I'd be sending him away !!! It's short notice and you most certainly aren't being unreasonable! Good luck .

Balloonhearts · 04/12/2023 19:45

Nope. You're hosting them, feeding them, that's enough. They don't like dogs, ignore the dog. If that's not enough they can stay at an air bnb. You don't get to dictate to your hosts, who or what is allowed in their home.

Smile and say sorry, no that won't work for us. The dog is friendly and will not pester you but we understand if you want to get a hotel and just come for dinner. Can't wait to see you both!

Oldtigernidster · 04/12/2023 19:46

Your dog is part of the family. It would traumatise him to send him away and to be honest it’s unthinkable. Please don’t feel bullied into doing it. Their choice if they don’t come.

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