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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to keep our dog away from us on Christmas Day?

643 replies

Buddytheboxer · 03/12/2023 18:28

We have a 4 year old Boxer dog who is very much part of our family. We don’t have children yet and both WFH so he is with us all the time. He’s lovely and absolutely no bother, everyone loves him.

We are hosting Christmas Day this year, both sets of parents, my sister and her partner and DH’s brother and his girlfriend.

DH’s brother and gf recently moved back to the UK after living in Australia for the last 10 years so we haven’t seen them in person for a long time, but have FaceTimed and WhatsApped regularly. Earlier today he messaged me (not sure why me and not DH or both of us) and asked if our dog could stay with friends over Christmas, or if we could book him in at a kennels, as his gf is wary of dogs. They are supposed to be staying with us for 3 nights. They have seen our dog loads of times via FaceTime, they address Christmas cards to us and the dog etc and have never mentioned this wariness.

I’m swinging between feeling a bit miffed at the request but also not wanting her to feel nervous or uncomfortable, I like her and was looking forward to seeing them after so long. However there is no way I could send our dog away at Christmas. He’s not ‘just a dog’ we adore him and he is our family.

I haven’t had chance to speak to DH yet as he’s travelling home from a work trip and won’t be home until late. I haven’t replied to the message yet as I really don’t know what to say, it’s a bit of a lose lose situation:

a) If we don’t send our dog away BIL and gf might decide not to come which would be a shame, especially for DH and his parents. It would seem that we are putting our dog before BIL and gf which I guess we would be, but as I said he is our family.

b) If we do find somewhere for him to go (unlikely, as everyone who would normally dog sit on the rare occasions we’ve needed it will be at ours, and he’s never been in kennels so I definitely wouldn’t do that) it doesn’t feel right for him not to be with us over Christmas, it’s unfair on him and us, and a very big ask for anyone to look after a dog over Christmas.

c) If they accept we can’t send him away and still come, I’ll be on tenterhooks the whole time worrying that she is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make sure he stays out of her way (he is not a nuisance dog, he loves a fuss but isn’t ‘in your face’) it won’t be a relaxing time.

I feel like this request has really put a downer on things. AIBU to not want our dog to be sent away to accommodate BIL’s gf’s ‘wariness’?

OP posts:
Littlepiggietoes · 04/12/2023 18:28

You aren’t being unreasonable and I say that as someone who is frightened of dogs. I would never accept an invitation to stay at someone’s house who owns a dog because it would be unfair on the host, dog, and myself. I’d find somewhere else to stay. If someone who doesn’t like cats comes to my house, I wouldn’t send the cat away. She lives here, they don’t.

Bolloxforsure · 04/12/2023 18:32

I don’t even think the request was rude and I’m very pro dog. More naive. They didn’t demand just enquired. No need for anyone to be upset or put out.

Original poster
Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 18:36

Further update: they have opted to go for my mum’s offer that they stay at my parents house, along with my PILs, and my parents will stay at ours. So we just need to be mindful while they are at ours and they can sit out the walks or we can have a bit of a rota. I’ll see if I can borrow a baby gate just in case as well.

Buddy may just win her over and help her wariness, you never know!

OP posts:
CantFindMyMarbles · 04/12/2023 18:36

It’s the dogs home….not theirs. If they don’t like it they can just not come. Not a chance in hell I’d be hiding my dog away

Riverlee · 04/12/2023 18:37

Good update.

Can we have a picture of Buddy?

wooda180 · 04/12/2023 18:38

It's your dogs house not theirs.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2023 18:38

Well sorry but I wouldn't relocate my cats for anyone. They are not 'just a cat'. They are my friends 365 days a year always here by my side. My relatives visit if I'm lucky one day a year. If they don't like cats then the needn't come. Good grief.

BeverForget · 04/12/2023 18:41

Fuck that.
They can stay in an hotel or Air BNB.

angelfacecuti75 · 04/12/2023 18:43

Er ...it is cruel to the dog to shove him in a kennel when she /he (your sil/bro) could easily stay somewhere else
..yanbu

Original poster
Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 18:44

@Riverlee I posted a pic, I think it’s on the page 17 of the thread 😀

OP posts:
exaltedwombat · 04/12/2023 18:45

This is hard. But people before dogs. Sorry.

Skyelils · 04/12/2023 18:46

I would not kick my dog out he’s my family and to the comment made about dont understand someone putting their dog first they obviously don’t have one or they would understand

colachive · 04/12/2023 18:47

The people saying “people before dogs” have no clue!! I would rather spend Christmas with a dog than anyone’s girlfriend thank you

MrsLighthouse · 04/12/2023 18:49

If they are invited to a home that clearly has a dog as a member of the family and aren’t happy with that then they need to make a decision. I’m not particularly a dog fan ( sorry dog lovers ) so l’d have made arrangements to stay nearby as soon as the invite arrived…or not go if l felt that strongly . Just reply and say it’s not an option to kennel the dog ( who’s paying for that ? ) but you’ll help them find somewhere to stay .

bozzabollix · 04/12/2023 18:51

‘Wariness’, oh FFS she should get a grip. No absolutely don’t distress your dog and yourselves by even considering kennelling. I wouldn’t even put the dogs away. Funnily enough because they aren’t ferocious dreadful beasts pretty much all visitors here come away liking them even if they didn’t expect to.

I can’t overstate how entitled these supposed dog phobics are. I was terribly scared of flying, I sorted it out for other people’s sake, it can be done. People can overcome feeling a bit ‘wary’ or even phobic, it’s called exposure therapy and it’s worth sorting given that dogs will continue to exist in the world.

Lavenderflower · 04/12/2023 18:55

I have a phobia of dogs. There is no way I would stay with someone who has a dog and I wouldn't visit. I wouldn't ask them to remove their dog though.

MeridianB · 04/12/2023 18:56

Your parents are saints handing their house over!

Pomvit · 04/12/2023 18:56

Am torn on this one. It’s a dog but similarly will be an awful time for her if she is afraid of dogs.

surely they knew this when they asked to stay - so why not just stay at a local hotel?

Abracadabra12345 · 04/12/2023 18:59

Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 18:36

Further update: they have opted to go for my mum’s offer that they stay at my parents house, along with my PILs, and my parents will stay at ours. So we just need to be mindful while they are at ours and they can sit out the walks or we can have a bit of a rota. I’ll see if I can borrow a baby gate just in case as well.

Buddy may just win her over and help her wariness, you never know!

That's a brilliant solution and you're right, Buddy may well win her over. Or she may just be nervous of dogs, even ones like Buddy as my son is, and they can't help it plus Boxers are a LOT of dog! 😁. As long as she isn't made to feel uncomfortable for feeling that way, just because everyone else loves dogs.

You've got a great plan (and try to forgive being asked to "relocate" your dog for 3 days - I'd be speechless too!) but you're all dealing with it in a really mature and understanding way.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 04/12/2023 19:00

I wouldn’t send the dog away .
I would however make sure he wasn’t at everyone’s feet at dinner table for example or jumping on people or licking their hands through the day.
Basically treat your dog like a dog and your guests like guest don’t stress out and all should be fine.

Very cheeky request

MrsGrumpyKnickers · 04/12/2023 19:01

I have suffered with a dog phobia for many years. I know much of the time it is completely irrational and most dogs are ok and don’t actually want to eat me for dinner. In the last few years I have got a lot better by spending time with family dogs. I would never have dreamt of asking someone to completely remove their dog if I was visiting. Maybe hold them, and in some cases, put them in another room until they calm down on our arrival, but not remove them from the house, especially over Christmas.
This sounds like a good opportunity for your BIL’s gf to spend time around a nice friendly dog to help her phobia.

Ifellasleep · 04/12/2023 19:03

a couple of gates to keep them separated would help, even if she’s not staying.

my son’s best friend is terrified, we have the big softie lab who tries to comfort him when he cries. It just doesn’t work 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your boy is beautiful

Paintballmaker · 04/12/2023 19:05

Just have your dh tell them that the friends/family who usually take him are unavailable and it’s highly unlikely you’ll find space in kennels so close to Christmas (you can even check if you’re feeling generous, but I know the ones in my area get booked many months in advance for holidays).

Then say they’re welcome to stay, but if she’s uncomfortable with the dog, there’s a hotel/b&b/airbnb they can book nearby and you’ll be happy to have them over for the meal. You can keep the dog in another room during that time. I think that’s enough of a concession on your part if she’s truly scared of dogs.

Anon316 · 04/12/2023 19:08

I completely agree with this! Your dog is part of your family and you are kindly hosting too. She is being very unreasonable expecting you to ship your dog off elsewhere.

henrysugar12 · 04/12/2023 19:09

I'm petrified of dogs due to a bad attack when I was a child. BIL has a dog and it's uncontrollable so I just avoid going there now.
I wouldn't stay in a house with a dog that I wasn't familiar with and so would make alternative arrangements, however it's a little difficult seeing as they are travelling so far... I'd be inclined to keep dog away, in order to see my brother.

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