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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to keep our dog away from us on Christmas Day?

643 replies

Buddytheboxer · 03/12/2023 18:28

We have a 4 year old Boxer dog who is very much part of our family. We don’t have children yet and both WFH so he is with us all the time. He’s lovely and absolutely no bother, everyone loves him.

We are hosting Christmas Day this year, both sets of parents, my sister and her partner and DH’s brother and his girlfriend.

DH’s brother and gf recently moved back to the UK after living in Australia for the last 10 years so we haven’t seen them in person for a long time, but have FaceTimed and WhatsApped regularly. Earlier today he messaged me (not sure why me and not DH or both of us) and asked if our dog could stay with friends over Christmas, or if we could book him in at a kennels, as his gf is wary of dogs. They are supposed to be staying with us for 3 nights. They have seen our dog loads of times via FaceTime, they address Christmas cards to us and the dog etc and have never mentioned this wariness.

I’m swinging between feeling a bit miffed at the request but also not wanting her to feel nervous or uncomfortable, I like her and was looking forward to seeing them after so long. However there is no way I could send our dog away at Christmas. He’s not ‘just a dog’ we adore him and he is our family.

I haven’t had chance to speak to DH yet as he’s travelling home from a work trip and won’t be home until late. I haven’t replied to the message yet as I really don’t know what to say, it’s a bit of a lose lose situation:

a) If we don’t send our dog away BIL and gf might decide not to come which would be a shame, especially for DH and his parents. It would seem that we are putting our dog before BIL and gf which I guess we would be, but as I said he is our family.

b) If we do find somewhere for him to go (unlikely, as everyone who would normally dog sit on the rare occasions we’ve needed it will be at ours, and he’s never been in kennels so I definitely wouldn’t do that) it doesn’t feel right for him not to be with us over Christmas, it’s unfair on him and us, and a very big ask for anyone to look after a dog over Christmas.

c) If they accept we can’t send him away and still come, I’ll be on tenterhooks the whole time worrying that she is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make sure he stays out of her way (he is not a nuisance dog, he loves a fuss but isn’t ‘in your face’) it won’t be a relaxing time.

I feel like this request has really put a downer on things. AIBU to not want our dog to be sent away to accommodate BIL’s gf’s ‘wariness’?

OP posts:
LusciousLemons · 04/12/2023 16:45

I am not someone who would put a dog before family but saying that I think the host gets to make the rules here. I am hosting Christmas dinner this year and I have no dogs (but I do have a cat) and I have decreed that my family members’ dogs can’t come - it’s my house, my rules, and I don’t want the dogs destroying my house, chasing the cat and being a pain in the arse. You are the host here so they don’t get to dictate to you. The only exception would be a strong allergy - but that’s not the case here. I would rope in your DH to help here with the messaging but I would be tempted to explain you’d never get space at a kennels this close to Christmas and you would never want to put your dog through such a bleak experience at any rate. Reassure them that you will minimise the GF’s contact with your dog where possible but do understand if they would be more comfortable finding accommodation close by instead so they don’t need to actually stay in the house.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/12/2023 16:45

I wouldn't be going to someone's house ever again, family or not, If they put their dog before my request for it to just not be there whilst I was.

I would think that would be a result for any dog owners you know.

Jeez, dog people are on a different planet sometimes.

And it's perfectly normal to expect someone to put their dog in a kennel when you've accepted an invitation knowing the dog lives there?

I don't have a dog but if anyone had suggested my cat went elsewhere because they didn't like him they could find somewhere else to stay!

miral · 04/12/2023 16:45

THIS!

Loubilou23 · 04/12/2023 16:55

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 04/12/2023 14:25

Dismissing someone as neurotic because they don't like dogs, is such a typical dog obsessive answer.

It's just a dog. Dogs don't trump people.
I don't like dogs, they smell and I don't trust them
Doesn't make me neurotic, just my own personal preference.
I wouldn't be going to someone's house ever again, family or not, If they put their dog before my request for it to just not be there whilst I was.

Jeez, dog people are on a different planet sometimes.

Show quote history

I very much doubt they'd even want you to make a decision whether to go or not, you probably wouldn't be invited again.

AdviceFromMums · 04/12/2023 16:58

Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 09:24

This is created quite the debate, I am glad to hear from so many people that feel the same way I do.

DH is going to speak to his brother today and make a few suggestions to try and come up with a solution. Buddy (our dog) is really well trained and well behaved, doesn’t jump up and has his own sofa so doesn’t go on our other furniture. He obeys the ‘to your bed’ command when we are eating so he doesn’t pester at the table. I am sure I can borrow a gate from a friend to ensure he is contained at times. I would of course do my best to make sure BIL’s girlfriend is not uncomfortable, I’m
not a monster! I just don’t want to banish our much loved dog from his own home at Christmas (it isn’t even a realistic option so a moot point really).

I chatted to my mum about it while waiting
for DH to arrive home and she has offered an option of BIL and his girlfriend staying at their house on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day (just coming to ours during the day). My PIL are also staying at their house on those nights so it shouldn’t be too weird for them. My parents would stay at ours on those nights. On Boxing Day, they could have Buddy for the day/night at theirs and BIL and gf could stay at ours. I’m sure my dad would go along with this This seems like a good solution if they go for it and would save them £££ on staying at a hotel/Airbnb.

That's sounds like a lot of hassle with people all swapping houses and beds. The bed sheet washings would be crazy for 3 days.
Granted I despise the process of changing the bed, so that might just be a me issue😂

enchantedsquirrelwood · 04/12/2023 17:00

I wouldn't be going to someone's house ever again, family or not, If they put their dog before my request for it to just not be there whilst I was

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect someone to put their dog in another room during a short visit or ask someone to take it for a walk while you are there etc.

But you can't expect someone to send it to a kennel for days.

And I don't know how you can make it work for an extended daytime visit either. If I say arrived at noon and left at 6 I couldn't expect the dog to be out of the way all that time. If I was just there for the Christmas meal and that was it, maybe.

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 04/12/2023 17:02

They knew you had a dog when arranging to stay at your house for 3 nights. Extremely unreasonable of them now to spring this on you and try to force you to ditch your dog to suit them. YANBU.

Isthisexpected · 04/12/2023 17:04

ThreeB · 03/12/2023 18:34

Don't do it. I made a concession last year and sent my dogs to my Mums to facilitate a guest who was nervous. It was the last Christmas for one of them and I'll regret it for ever.

This makes absolutely no sense. Your dog had no idea what they missed and it could have been your relative's last Christmas too!

GreatGateauxsby · 04/12/2023 17:11

I think you are on the right lines.

if the brother / girlfriend “isn’t comfortable” with your very elaborate but also very reasonable solution they can pay £600+ for a hotel.

The dog would be staying at home I actually think it is quite cheeky to ask at all, let alone ask so late…

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/12/2023 17:12

Isthisexpected · 04/12/2023 17:04

This makes absolutely no sense. Your dog had no idea what they missed and it could have been your relative's last Christmas too!

Show quote history

It makes a lot of sense. Hasn't it occurred to you that ThreeB is thinking that she missed her dog's last Christmas, not that the dog knew it was Christmas?

I knew last year that it was probably going to be my cat's last Christmas and I wanted to spend it with him.

Manthide · 04/12/2023 17:17

We don't have any pets and dd3 in particular is very wary of dogs. We visit my auntie's house, normally stopping for about a week. She got a dog just before we last visited- no way would I have expected her to send him away for a few days because of dd.

Isthisexpected · 04/12/2023 17:21

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/12/2023 17:12

It makes a lot of sense. Hasn't it occurred to you that ThreeB is thinking that she missed her dog's last Christmas, not that the dog knew it was Christmas?

I knew last year that it was probably going to be my cat's last Christmas and I wanted to spend it with him.

Show quote history

What I'm saying is that the relative could have died since too...it's all just hindsight bias.

ASouthPoleElf · 04/12/2023 17:22

I am not a fan of people treating dogs like people, they are animals after all, and should never be valued above a human being. Or even valued the same.
However nobody should go into someone else home and dictate what happens there. If you don’t like dogs then you don’t enter a home where a dog lives and demand the dog go elsewhere.
They will have to stay somewhere nearby and visit. If you feel like you’ll be on tenterhooks then perhaps the dog could be in another room for a couple of hours? Or incorporated into a Christmas Day and Boxing Day walk?

Itisyourturntowashthebath · 04/12/2023 17:30

@Buddytheboxer your Mum is amazing.

stepintochristmas1 · 04/12/2023 17:39

People can treat their dogs as family members if they so wish , their family their house their rules . If others don't like it they can do one .

cansu · 04/12/2023 17:45

You te them nicely that it isn't possible but that you will try to keep the dog away from her if you can in the sense that it won't sit by her or jump up at her.

Longleggedgiraffe · 04/12/2023 17:47

Actually, I much prefer my dog to certain members of my family and would put the dog first in most socal situations.

Guccigirl123 · 04/12/2023 17:49

You’ve obviously never had a dog!

Cfan · 04/12/2023 17:50

You are not being unreasonable at all! It’s your home and what’s more it’s your dogs home. If you were going to stay with them and insisted on taking your dog to THEIR home and she was afraid of dogs then yes that would be unreasonable, but this is your dogs home, they have a choice, either come and stay and respect your (and your dog’s) home, or stay locally somewhere without pets! I know it’s hard (because you sound like a very reasonable lady) but don’t let this make you feel guilty or awkward. Hope it all works out for you x

WhatGoesUpMustComeDown · 04/12/2023 17:51

Absolutely fuck that.

That is SO rude and so entitled - no way should you send your dog away and tbh your brother shouldn't have asked.

Can you be sympathetic and maybe devise some nice calm activities and say that you're hoping it might be a way for the gf to become more comfortable around dogs? Tell them there's nowhere to send the dog, don't even look.

Your dog is more your family than your brother's new girlfriend. (People that have never had their own dog do not get it - you're not choosing the dog over family, you're choosing YOUR little family and that is fine.)

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 17:53

The previous poster suggesting that it might be a ploy by bil and his girlfriend to get out of a family Christmas is a good guess.
If they have lived abroad for years and done what they fancied the thought of a family Christmas as it gets nearer night not be for them. Or if girlfriend is new on scene she might not be fancying several days with his family she’s never met.
They know Buddy is seen as a family member so know the request won’t be accepted.
So they get to have their Christmas but aren’t bad guys.

Notimeforidiots69 · 04/12/2023 17:56

At the end of the day, this is YOUR Christmas, your dog is part of the family, he stays! Does your DH's brother have to clear the streets of dogs before his GF steps out?! I can understand that some people have a fear of dogs, I really can, but I'm sorry, he's being very unreasonable in asking this. If you're a pet owner, you don't just dump them off somewhere when it isn't convenient for someone else... And especially not at Christmas! And for the people saying it's just a dog, then they don't know the true meaning of pet ownership, I hope they don't own any animals! They're not fit to have them! Please let us know how this goes ❤

Duchydutch · 04/12/2023 17:58

your home is where the dog lives. End of discussion.

diddl · 04/12/2023 17:58

or if we could book him in at a kennels,

Which they obviously offered to pay for?

I wouldn't even look into finding somewhere for my pets tbh.

If she's that wary seems odd that it has only just come up.

I'd consider another room if that would work.

Possibly keeping close on a lead?

Not sure how workable/stressful that might be.

WhatGoesUpMustComeDown · 04/12/2023 17:59

There's nothing more infuriating than people declaring 'dogs don't trump people' - yeh, that's fine, in YOUR world they don't. But, luckily nobody made you Queen or King of society, so that's actually just YOUR personal preference, and many people live by totally different rules. Deal with it.

In my world, some dogs do trump some people. And personally I think humans are far too arrogant and don't give enough respect to other sentient beings with thoughts and feelings - and it's usually because they don't understand enough about animal intelligence and the similarities in our brains and emotion centres.

Live and let live. You don't like dogs, fine. But there's no 'should' about the way others might interact with them.